Finding Love (5 page)

“I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. But it will get better. Trust me. Even when you’re at rock bottom, things always get better.”

Addison knew that Rebecca was speaking from experience. After losing her husband in the September 11
th
bombings in NYC, Rebecca had been left to raise her young son alone. Leo, now almost fifteen years old, didn’t remember his father. It occurred to Addison that her baby would never know its father either, whether she gave it up for adoption or not.

Her heart hurt.

What kind of life could she provide for her child as a single mother working in a coffee shop? She didn’t want to struggle to make ends meet like her own mother had in those early days, but then again Adele Parker had picked herself up by her bootstraps after the death of her husband and started a thriving real estate business. Addison knew it could be done, but she didn’t know if she had the fortitude to do it.

Addison spent the first half of the day learning the ropes at Jolt, everything from how the coffee machines worked to how to make the perfect blueberry scone. It was a far cry from her interior design business, but it was calm and quiet, which was what she needed right now.

Her plan was to stash every dime she made at Jolt, which wasn’t much, and save up to get her own place. Maybe it would be in January Cove or maybe somewhere closer to the city again, although she doubted she could afford that.

Adele would want her to stay at the house for as long as possible, and Addison knew that, but she was far too proud to take handouts from anyone, including her mother.

After lunchtime, the coffee shop slowed to a crawl. Rebecca had gone to a parent/teacher meeting at Leo’s school and Addison was left twiddling her thumbs. She wiped the tables down twenty times and practiced on the cash register, but she was getting bored.

She stood at the window and stared across the street at the ocean, wishing it was mid summer and she had a bikini body again. Boy, she’d had some fantastic times at that beach with her brothers and mother. Fishing off the pier had been one of her favorite past times with Kyle, and she thought she might just do a little fishing soon to clear her head and reacquaint herself with the sea.

As she was lost in thought, her cell phone rang and she ran to grab it. The number was unknown, so she picked it up in case it was an urgent call about one of her family members.

“Hello?”

“Well, there you are,” the familiar voice of her soon-to-be ex husband said. Funny how she used to think his voice was strong and sexy, but now it sounded evil and sickening to her.

She’d been avoiding calls from his cell phone and office numbers for weeks, but he’d finally gotten her to answer. She almost hung up, but morbid curiosity got the best of her.

“What do you want, Jim?” she said, her voice even and full of anger at the same time.

“Don’t you think we need to talk, Addy?” he said, adding strong emphasis to her name.

“Don’t call me Addy. That’s reserved for people who love me.”

“I tried to love you, but you made it impossible when you bedded some guy in a bar and got knocked up. By the way, way to go on that one.”

“Jim, if you’re calling just to harass me, I’ll file a restraining order.”

“Whatever. We need to discuss our divorce settlement.”

“What settlement? Last time I heard, you were trying to take everything and leave me with nothing.”

“You make it sound bad, sweetheart. I just want my fair share, and since your piddly little interior design hobby amounted to squat in terms of our monthly income, I deserve the lion’s share of our property and finances.”

“Well, that’s not how my attorney sees it.” She was growing weary of this conversation and was sorry she’d answered the phone. Next time she saw an unknown number, she wasn’t picking it up. She walked behind the counter and leaned against it, staring at the coffee pot as a distraction.

“Your attorney? Are you talking about that schmuck, Helen Monroe? Wow, Addison, you’re really out of touch. First of all, she’s as old as homemade sin and hasn’t won a case in four years. Everyone knows she’s just waiting for death at this point,” he said, chuckling into the phone like the Joker she thought of him as these days.

He was probably right about old Helen. Addison hadn’t been able to afford a top notch attorney, which Jim knew all too well. Plus, he was so well connected in Atlanta that no one would’ve taken her case anyway for fear of retribution. Jim wielded a lot of power in the legal community.

“Jim, I’m busy right now. Just get to the point.”

“The point is that you need to face facts. You’re not getting anything, and you’re just wasting precious money that you don’t have fighting me on this. You’re not dealing with an amateur, Addison. I’ll destroy you, and you know it, so why not save yourself money and time and sign the agreement?”

A rage she’d never felt in her life welled up inside of her. Her hands shook and sweat started beading on her forehead. This kind of stress couldn’t be good for the baby or her.

“Let me tell you something, Jimbo,” she said, sure that would irritate him as he hated his old nickname, “There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I’m going to let you take me to the cleaners. I’ll fight you until my last breath because you didn’t build that business of yours without my help. So, you just dig your heels in, buddy boy, because we’re about to have a showdown. You hear me?”

“You’re a stupid, stupid woman.”

“Kiss my ass, Jim!” she said as she pressed the end button on her phone and slammed it onto the counter, cracking the screen in the process. When she saw the screen, she burst into tears. Just add that to the list of broken parts of her life.

“Addy, you okay?” she heard Clay say behind her. She was so embarrassed.

“What? Yeah. I’m fine,” she said, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. “What can I get for you?” she said, holding onto the sides of the cash register for dear life.

Clay stepped toward and pried her hands from the cash register, pulling her around the counter and into a chair. “You’re not okay. What’s going on?”

In that moment, she was so thankful for the ruffly apron she was wearing. Any day now, people were going to get suspicious about her belly enlarging.

“It was Jim. On the phone.”

“Ah…. I heard you say someone needed to kiss your ass. Thought it might be an open invitation.”

Addison burst into laughter, the tears falling from her eyes at the same time. “You’re a nut!” she said, wiping her eyes. “Thanks. I needed some comic relief. I swear Rebecca’s going to want to fire me if I don’t get it together.”

“I doubt that. She’s practically a Parker family member already. Plus, Adele would knock her out for firing the prodigal daughter.”

“Probably,” Addison said. “Seriously, can I get you something?”

“Nah. I was just walking by on my way home. Thought I’d say hello. Again.”

Something in the way he said it gave her butterflies in her stomach. But she couldn’t be getting interested in anyone right now, let alone the guy she thought of as a brother growing up. Still, he was looking extremely hot these days.

“I heard you live down off Cherry Street?”

“Yep. Couple doors down from my parents.”

“How are they doing?”

“Fairly good. Dad’s got some early dementia, but Mom’s still spry as she ever was.”

Addison smiled. “I loved your Mom. She made the best blueberry pancakes!”

“Still does! You’ll have to come say hello while you’re in town. She’d love to see you,” Clay said.

“Maybe I’ll do that one day soon,” Addison replied.

“Well, I’d better get home for lunch. Good to see you again, Addy. And don’t let Jim get you down, okay?” he said as he rose from his chair. Addison stood as well.

“Easier said than done, I’m afraid,” she said.

“He’s not worth it, Addy. Even if you walk away with nothing, you’re still better off without that jerk. You deserve so much more,” he said, seeming to stop himself from saying more.

“Thanks, but you’re biased. You’re practically a brother to me, Clay,” she said with a smile.

“A brother. Hmm, I guess I can see why you’d think that.” Again, an odd response. She didn’t have the brainpower to think about it in depth. “See ya later,” he said as he smiled and waved before disappearing outside.

As soon as Addison opened the front door, she knew she was going to be sick. Her mother was cooking fish, and that was one of her morning sickness “no-no” foods. The list was ever-growing, like her waistline, but fish was high on that list. Just the smell sent her running for the nearest bathroom, often just gagging continuously and never actually throwing up. The dry heaves were almost worse than real throwing up. How was she so lucky to get morning sickness in her second trimester?

Adele called from the kitchen as Addison closed the front door behind her, hand over her mouth as if that would keep her from starting the whole process.

“Hello, dear!” Adele called as Addison rushed through the foyer and into the powder room. Crouched over the rarely used toilet with her feet pushed into the base of the pedestal sink, she was at her lowest of lows. “Addison, are you okay?” her mother asked from behind her.

“Morning sickness, mother. That’s all,” Addison squeaked out in between dry heaves.

“Oh, dear, is it the fish smell?” Adele asked, suddenly aware of what she had done.

“Mhmmm…” Addison mumbled, trying not to open her mouth. “I’m sorry, Mom, but I have to get outside in the fresh air,” she said as she jumped up and ran back out the front door. Sitting on the stoop, she put her head in her hands as she worked to stop the cold sweats she was having. The dry heaving stopped, but her stomach was still churning when her mother came outside followed by Jenna and Tessa.

“Oh, I remember those days very well,” Jenna said. “I had horrible morning sickness with Kaitlyn. I swore that child was a demon trying to escape my body!”

“I don’t know why I’m suddenly having morning sickness four months in, but I guess that’s why I’m not gaining a lot of weight yet,” Addison said, wiping her brow with a warm, wet washcloth her mother brought outside.

“I’ve made an appointment with Dr. Sylvan for tomorrow morning. Maybe she can help you with some remedies,” Adele said.

“The best thing that worked for me was ginger. Anything with ginger. Ginger ale. Ginger salad dressing…” Tessa said. Addison started gagging again.

“Please, no more food talk right now…”

“Sorry,” Tessa said, feeling bad that she’d said anything. “Is there anything we can do?”

Addison got her bearings once again and surveyed the amazing women sitting beside her. Two weren’t officially family to her yet, but she considered them to be already.

“No, but thanks. Mom, I think I’ll just go up to my room and lie down for awhile.”

Adele looked remorseful. “Honey, I’m so sorry. I will air out the house for a few hours, I promise. And spray air freshener…”

“No air freshener please. That might do more harm than good,” Addison said wearily.

“Okay. No air freshener then.”

Addison felt terrible for putting everybody out in more ways than one. Here she was sounding ungrateful for the dinner her mother had cooked. Fish had always been one of her favorites, but pregnancy had stolen her taste for it at the moment.

She slowly stood, put her hand over her nose and walked inside and up the stairs. Thankfully, the smell hadn’t made its way upstairs yet, so she was able to close her door and get a reprieve from the noxious odor that was assaulting her senses moments before.

She shrugged out of her work clothes, which themselves smelled like a mixture of coffee and blueberry scones, and tossed them into the hamper beside her closet. She then ran a hot bubble bath and spent the next half hour soaking before she fell into her bed and into a blissful sleep.

***

Somehow, Addison had slept right through dinner yet again. Pregnancy was greatly affecting her ability to act normally these days. When she walked downstairs that morning, she wasn’t at all surprised to see her mother standing there, purse in hand, waiting for her.

“Addy, your appointment is in twenty minutes, sweetie,” she said, smiling through somewhat gritted teeth.

“Oh, gosh, I totally forgot…” Addison said, still wiping the sleep from her eyes. “I slept right through dinner last night. I need to grab a bite and get ready.”

“Well, hurry along because we can’t keep Dr. Sylvan waiting,” Adele chided. No matter how old Addison was, her mother was still her mother. Prompt. Put together. Stern. Independent.

And she wondered if she could ever measure up to be that kind of mother.

Fifteen minutes later, Addison and her mother were turning the corner onto the road where Dr. Sylvan’s office was located. A small, white cottage style building right off Main Street housed the popular OBGYN’s office. They pulled into the parking lot and walked toward the building.

“Dr. Sylvan is a very good client of mine, you know,” Adele said.

“I remember. Didn’t you sell her this building a few years ago?”

“I did. But that’s not why I mention it,” Adele said, stopping just short of the door and looking at Addison.

“Oh… I get it. You don’t want her to know about my situation?” Addison said, feeling a little defeated. Adele’s eyes got wide.

“Of course not, Addy! I’ve already told you that we’re proud of you and the woman you’ve become. I’m not ashamed of this situation at all. What I meant to say is that I know you don’t want it spread around town just yet, and Dr. Sylvan is bound by doctor patient confidentiality, so you can tell her anything. Okay?” Adele said, pushing a stray hair off Addison’s forehead.

“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate all the support. I really do,” she said softly.

An hour later, Addison and her mother were getting back in the car. She had loved Dr. Sylvan and felt good that she now had a doctor monitoring her care. The baby’s heartbeat was strong, and her blood pressure and vital signs all looked good. She would get her first ultrasound in a couple of weeks and maybe even find out the sex of the baby.

The pregnancy was becoming more real everyday. No longer could she try to pretend everything was normal in her world. Soon, everyone would know she was pregnant and getting divorced, and eventually the info about it not being her husband’s baby would be public knowledge too.

“You know,” Adele said as she drove, “I was thinking about turning Brad’s old room into a nursery for the baby.” She didn’t make eye contact with Addison, and she knew it was because her mother was sweetly digging for information on whether Addison had made a decision on adoption yet.

“Mom…”

“I’m not trying to push, sweetie. It was just an idea. Brad’s room has that lovely built in bookcase which would be great for a nursery. Plus, it faces the garden out back.”

“I know, but there won’t be a need for a nursery if I decide on adoption, Mom.”

Adele pulled off the side of the road and looked at her daughter. “Addison Rose, I’m your mother. I know you better than anyone else on Earth, and I don’t think you’re convinced at all on this whole adoption idea.”

“I’m not convinced, Mom, but I already told you that I haven’t made up my mind totally. There’s a lot to think about,” she said, staring out into the vast ocean.

“Maybe I can help you consider the options…”

“I appreciate it. I really do. But this is kind of a personal decision, and you’re not exactly the most objective about this,” Addison said with a smile. “I already know where you stand.”

“That’s true, but I don’t think you really understand why I feel the way I do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nobody knows this, but your aunt Susan gave up a baby when she was nineteen years old,” Adele said, referring to her younger sister. Susan lived in Virginia now, and Addison hadn’t seen her in years.

“Really?”

“Yes. It was an embarrassing situation for our parents. Back then, girls were sent away to special homes if they got pregnant out of wedlock. Susan wasn’t given the choice of putting her baby up for adoption. That was decided for her, mainly by society. Anyway, she went away to the girl’s home, which was at a convent up north, and then she came back after having the baby. Susan was never the same again. She became despondent and tried to take her life a couple of times during her twenties. Then she met Arthur, her husband, and things got better. But even now, she brings her baby up on occasion when we talk. She still cries and wonders where her baby girl ended up, what kind of life she had, if she’s still alive…”

“Wow, I had no idea.”

“I know there are women who give up babies all the time and go on to have full lives, but I also know that there must be a hole in their hearts because once you’re a mother, you’re always a mother, Addy. That pain is real, and it will always be with you. Just like you miss your Daddy, your child will feel the absence of you too. It’s unavoidable. I just want you to think through everything before making a rash decision, and then I will support you no matter what. But you have to ask yourself if you can deal with not knowing your baby.”

“I would opt for an open adoption so I could still have access…”

“Addy, how hard will that be, though? Watching someone raise your child? Only seeing pictures? Won’t that make the wound even worse?”

“Mom, you’re not helping here,” she said, getting irritated.

“I’m sorry, but I’m your mother and I want to be honest with you. I just don’t think you’re going to be okay with this. I know you. I know you have a heart of gold, and inside I think you want to raise this baby, but you don’t want people to judge you.”

“It’s not that, Mom,” she said, tears starting to well in her eyes. “I’m not sure I want to raise this baby because I don’t know if I’m enough. All this baby will have is me. I’m about to be divorced, my career is in the tank and I’m living with my mother. That’s not enough for a baby.”

“Honey, this phase of your life is temporary. Things will get better. I just don’t want you to make a permanent decision based on temporary circumstances.”

Addison reached for the door handle and cracked the door. “I need to clear my head,” she said stepping out.

“Addy, honey, wait…”

“I’m okay. Really. I just need some time. I think I’ll take a walk on the beach,” she said, wrapping her sweater around her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to upset you again…” Adele said as Addison shut the door and looked into the now open window.

“You brought up some valid points. Now I need to think about them. I’ll see you a little later,” she said with a weary smile before walking down the path to the beach.

***

It was getting colder in January Cove by the day, and Addison was having a hard time adjusting for some reason. Right now, she wanted to be somewhere warm and cozy, maybe a tropical island where no one knew her.

Deep down, she realized that she was becoming a bit of a whiny baby and she hated that trait in other people. Addison had always been the renegade of the Parker family, always going her own way. Now, she felt like curling up in the corner in a fetal position and waiting for nine months to pass.

Her mother was right about one thing. She was nowhere near prepared to hand her baby over to a stranger. It wasn’t that she had any problem with adoption per se. In fact, she’d love to adopt a child herself. One day. Maybe.

Giving up her own flesh and blood seemed impossible. But didn’t hard decisions always seem impossible anyway?

Still, she felt too conflicted to make a decision just yet. After all, this wasn’t a decision to be made overnight.

She pulled her sweater around her tighter and walked toward the ferry. Maybe she’d take a quick run to the island to clear her head. The last time she’d ridden the ferry was ages ago when old Mr. Denton used to make the daily run. Now that January Cove was more popular, she hoped that the ferry wasn’t full this time of year because she really just wanted to be alone.