Finding Me (35 page)

As we make our way toward Adam, my sisters, and Kyle, my eyes scan the faces of the gathered crowd, sliding over smiles from those that I love, and others that I barely know until I see Fitz. His face is smiling, but I can tell by his tight stance and how his shoulders are squared that something’s bothering him. I slowly turn away from him and catch Wes, Landon, and Jameson sitting together in a pack near Sharon. Each of them is smiling at me without reservation. Then I catch sight of Jesse and Abby sitting beside Jack and Ethel Janes and feel my smile grow as she swats at Jesse and wipes her eyes with a tissue. Finally, I look to the front as we cross the last few feet and my eyes dance across three of my older sisters looking proud and happy to have me here causing a chill to run through me.

Ian releases my arm, and I look to Adam as I clutch my bouquet with both hands and catch the slight nod he directs my way as I move to stand beside Kendall.

The ceremony ends with Adam dipping Jenny with a kiss that fills the backyard with cheers and whistles that have all of my sisters and me smiling between laughs.

We’re herded to the far end of the yard for more pictures where we remain for over an hour as guests are directed inside while tables and chairs appear in a setting for the reception.

As we’re needed less and less in the shots the photographers choreograph, we’re drinking more. Flasks and glasses are passed around with toasts to every subject under the sun.

“He’s wearing Converse.” Kendall turns to look at me, her eyebrows raised in confusion.

“Max,” I whisper, watching her eyebrows rise even higher. “Am I being crazy and reading into things?”

Her head shakes as her hand grips my arm. “It has to be a sign. You always wear yours.” We stare at each other for a moment before a smile spreads across her face. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m being crazy! I’m thinking his shoes mean something.”

“It’s Max. Everything means something.”

“Or I’m projecting my own desires and it’s grossly skewing my outlook.”

Kendall’s eyes close and her head shakes. “Don’t talk yourself out of this. Maybe it is coincidental, but really, I think everyone here knows it’s not.”

“I don’t know what to do! I feel like if I try and explain how I feel, my words are all going to come out wrong.”

“So show him.” Kendall’s eyes dance with excitement. I stare at her for a few beats knowing that she’s insinuating I kiss Max, and how wrong that would be. I also realize this may be one of my last chances to tell him how I’m feeling and I refuse to miss this opportunity. I slowly nod in agreement, eliciting a squeal from her as her arms wrap around my neck. The others look over to us for a moment before they turn back to the photographer, and Kendall and I fall against each other with giggles bubbling through us.The doors finally open, and the guests stream out of the house, filling the backyard once again. I impatiently search the crowd, seeing less familiar faces intermingling with the occasional familiar one, until the last of the guests emerge.

“Where is he?” Kendall demands as Jameson and Wes join us.

Jameson nods at the same time a throat clears that has Kendall and I turning to find Landon behind us with Max a short distance away.

Butterflies take flight, their wings feeling longer with the addition of alcohol as I watch his strides cover the next few feet so he’s standing in front of us. I want to study his face and see if his features will be unguarded and reveal anything to me so I can best figure out how to tell him how I’m feeling. I’m building the nerve to do so when a hand rests on my arm, breaking my focus.

“Ace, Kendall, we need one more!” my mom looks as reluctant to say these words as I am to hear them, but we turn and follow her toward the rest of the wedding party that’s now surrounded by our extended family.

As soon as the photographer gives us the green light to go, the DJ announces it’s time for Jenny and Adam’s first dance. A sweet ballad streams through the speakers, and I stand frozen on the outskirts of the dance floor, taking in every detail of this moment. Adam leads my sister to the rented dance floor with an arm wrapped around her waist. His face is bowed to hers as she smiles at something he whispers for only her to hear. When he reaches the very center, he releases Jenny and keeps walking to the other edge of the space. I have to stand on my toes, and crane my neck to see what he’s doing, but can only see the back of his tuxedo until he turns and I see Lilly holding his hand.

A collective sigh travels through the crowd, watching as he leads her back to Jenny. He lifts Lilly with his left arm and wraps his right around his bride, and as the song starts over, they fall into a graceful rhythm together.

I turn as a hand squeezes my shoulder and find Jameson beside me with a warm smile spread across his face, enunciating the small silver scar on his chin.

“I know this smile. Don’t tell me you’ve had another epiphany.”

Jameson laughs and tightens his grasp, pulling me closer to his side. “I’m proud of you for wanting to tell Max how you feel. I’m glad one of you is smart enough to do it.”

Jenny turns and I see her eyes searching the crowd, a move that reminds me so much of Danny and how his eyes always seek mine at his matches, that it fills me with guilt. Her eyes meet mine, and I shove my impending thoughts aside and smile in return, but my heart’s racing so fast it makes my breathing increase and my palms to grow sweaty.

The crowd around us breaks out in cheers, drawing my attention to the fact that the song has ended. I catch the end of a kiss shared between Adam and Jenny as others begin filling the dance floor while a faster beat runs through the speakers.

“Come on!” Abby’s voice cries from my other side. She reaches forward and gives my arm an aggressive tug. We join the crowd on the dance floor where my nerves slow down and my smile grows as we begin dancing.

I stay with her as others leave to visit and new ones come to share in the fun, allowing the onslaught of fears and emotions to subside as I immerse myself into the comfort and warmth of Abby as we laugh and dance with each other.

Wes slides in behind Abby, and the two do a grinding move that has me bent over laughing because I can’t get over the fact that she’s married and pregnant and dancing like this. Wes’s face is covered in a matching grin that expands when Jesse starts waving his hands and firing off Spanish words and English threats. He’s followed by Landon and Jameson. Kendall and Max trail after them, their hands connected in a warm embrace that melts my heart.

“Why aren’t we dancing?” I turn, hearing Kyle’s voice and see his arm slung around Fitz’s shoulders who looks rigid and uncomfortable, making me laugh once again.

I step forward and pull him from Kyle and while holding his hands begin dancing, trying to get him to loosen up. He stares at me stoically, refusing to move a single one of his muscles to comply with my movements, but it doesn’t deter me. I continue dancing in front of him as a new song plays, one that is on one of his favorite playlists and that I’ve heard him sing along to on numerous occasions. This time I sing it, and when I hit the chorus, his face cracks into a smile and he shakes his head, but I feel his muscles loosen.

Kendall and Abby join around Fitz, making his cheeks darken and his eyes to shine with amusement.

Eventually, I give in and leave Fitz and begin dancing with Savannah, who’s having a difficult time breathing because she’s giggling at nearly everything. My eyes continue, drifting to Max, who’s now dancing with Shelby, and I briefly wonder if he realizes who she is since he couldn’t recall her name a few days ago.

His eyes travel from the crowd in front of us to me, and our eyes meet, making the muscles in my body forget what they were doing seconds ago as my moves become slower and stiffer.

“Alright, my turn for a dance, little lady.” I turn and find my Uncle Wyatt, a husband of one of my mom’s sisters, who has always been stuck on calling me little lady.

The wedding continues and as it does, I continue to search for Max, but each time I find him, an outside force seems to break us apart when either another person approaches one of us or the speeches and toasts begin. By the end of the reception I’m so done with waiting, and watching from a distance that I’m ready to steal the microphone from the DJ and just share my feelings with everyone.

“What are you doing?” Kendall’s voice is a raspy whisper, startling me. The devious smile plastered across her face tells me it was her intention.

“Come on,” I say, taking her hand. “Help me find Max.”

Kendall’s eyes seem to curl as her smile spreads even wider, and her hand tightens around mine with silent assurance.

Our heads turn, scanning every inch of the yard. I glaze over the smiles that invite us to stop and make conversation. Without focusing on a single one, I know none of them are Max;
his
presence is something that I feel.

My body involuntarily turns and I see Max tucked by the back fence with his father. His eyes find mine nearly instantly and my heart stops, seeing the allegation that has his eyes narrowed and his brows knitted. I drop Kendall’s arm and without thought, I approach him, feeling the violent pulsation of my heart. Max’s jaw tightens as I reach them.

“Here she is!” Tim’s voice is light and jovial, but I don’t turn to acknowledge him, my head is spinning trying to grasp the right words, as I maintain Max’s stare.

“You found my dad?” Max’s eyes are unreadable. I don’t recognize the emotions behind them, but his tone, although quiet, isn’t laced with gratitude or shock; it’s uncertain.

I’m sure each beat of my heart is visible as I remain frozen in place, not certain how to respond or continue.

“Why? Why did you find him?”

“I don’t know exactly … It started as something to do to get my mind off focusing on my own dad, and everything that happened with us. That led me to trying to understand your fears better so I didn’t have to think so much about my own. It somehow became a project, an obsession for me to complete because I couldn’t give you back my dad, or change what had happened, but I could give you something else to show you that—”

Max’s head shakes, and his hand rises to cut my words off, then he turns to Tim. “You didn’t come because you wanted to find us. You came because you were guilted into it.”

“Max, no,” Tim objects. I catch the movement of his head-shake out of the corner of my eye. “I’ve wanted to find you and your brothers for years. I just never had the guts to do it, but she taught me a really important lesson.”

“And what’s that?” Max asks.

“That there are no guarantees in life. I may not have another ten years to wait around and wonder if you guys will accept me back into your lives.”

My eyebrows rise for a second because I hadn’t been insightful at all when I had found Tim. The first few times we spoke I had been purely factual, concerned he was the right Tim Miller and that he deserved to meet Max.

“She’s really something special,” Tim says, and I feel myself cringe because I know Max well enough to know his dad’s encouragement is not going to help me right now.

“When are you leaving?” Max’s words nearly cut off the end of Tim’s, and my fists clench with nerves.

“Monday, I have two days left.” My voice sounds uncertain of my answer, but Max nods a few times and then reaches for the latch on the gate beside us and doesn’t look back as he heads to his truck.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

–
Carl Bard

“W
hat happened?” Kendall asks as I catch Wes’s keys.

I shake my head in response. I can’t respond to her right now because I’m not sure what in the hell just happened. I don’t know if Max is mad because I found his dad, or that we hadn’t told him, or because my presence may have ended his current relationship, or if it was even anger that he was fighting to conceal, and it’s causing my own feelings to jumble into a tangle that’s difficult for me to sort through.

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asks.

“No, I need to talk to him alone.”

“Call me, okay? If you need anything, just call me,” Kendall says as I turn to the house to leave.

Standing in the street I turn and look for Wes’s truck and find Fitz with his hands in his pockets, standing in the middle of the street, staring at me.