Finding My Thunder (18 page)

I
looked to Danny but he was answering the two women, blond and red, and saying
he didn’t believe in free love, he’d told Robert that and they said sharing
didn’t mean you didn’t love someone, that when people got out of the bondage of
thinking they had to enslave themselves to one person their minds opened up and
they found all the love out there, the rainbow of variety we were meant to
experience….”

Before
I could think, Robert was saying to Felix, “Chill man, they’re square like
that,” and Felix said, “It’s all good, Mama.”

Danny
was no longer holding my hand. They were all crowded around us looking at the dog
and Dickens was telling them her name and they were making over her and the
women were making over Danny, petting Sooner and petting Danny, and the blond
was kissing a different guy now.

They’d
been wanting to get a dog, a watch dog, and they really liked Sooner and how
mellow she was, and she was, that was the thing, and I couldn’t believe it
after the hell-hound she’d been at Naomi’s.

Dickens
then led the nursing woman and one of the men out to get the puppies and I was
on my feet now, being led by Felix and Robert toward the stairs, but I kept
looking toward Danny and Sooner and I was worried about Dickens out where I
couldn’t see, then I caught a glimpse of him out of the big front window and he
was at the car handing the puppies to the others and they were looking excited
and happy. I calmed down a little and checked back to Danny. Red was over him
now, talking right into his face, a big grin and blond was still petting
through his hair.

If
he was just going to let that happen, I told Robert he could show me upstairs
cause what would it hurt. I was so mad at Danny for not paying attention and
allowing those women and their big boobs to take over, just like in high school
when the cheerleaders would get around him after a game.

And
Felix was leading, Robert and me behind as we went up the long staircase. I
heard Danny say my name. Red answered I’d be right back. Then another guy was
jogging up the stairs. They showed me the rooms, bright, mattresses on the
floor. A nursery with a baby bed for the little one downstairs. A big room with
egg cartons stapled to the walls where they jammed.

Robert
picked up a guitar, and the other one sat at the drums and Robert played a
couple of riffs and he was kind of good, but I didn’t know anything, and the
drummer started in and they jammed around a little, then Robert had to rip some
Hendrix sounds.

“You
like Hendrix, little mama,” Felix said in my ear. He’d disappeared for a
minute, now he was all slicked up, a long dress on, and his frizzy hair in a
ponytail.

Robert
was still bent over the guitar making a lot of noise. The drummer grinned at
me, and I couldn’t believe I was making such a splash. I said to Felix, “I have
to find Danny.”

“Oh,
oh don’t rush off,” he said, grabbing my arm. “Hey…come see my mural. It’s upstairs,
pretty mama. Come up and see. I’d like to draw you. You’re like the Mona Lisa. A
psychedelic Mona Lisa, man. Your face…your body…you inspire me…like a muse. What’s
your name…Hilly? You’re like a flower, man, all full of life’s nectar. You’re
all curves…I want to draw this, man, this skin…you’re what? What are you? Like
Hawaiian?”

I
was letting him lead me to the doorway because the drums were splitting my
skull.

The
guitar stopped. “Where you
goin
’?” Robert said to me
or Felix, I couldn’t tell his eyes were so loaded and barely open. He even
weaved on his feet a little.

“Art
is calling, man,” Felix said.

“Oh
no, no, no, man,” Robert said, the guitar strap hanging around his neck. “She
don’t….” he belched. “Leave her here. Hilly.” He belched again and took the
guitar off and set it against the wall. This whole time the drummer hadn’t let
up. I could feel the pressure in my head building.

Drummer
was yelling for Robert to pick up the guitar and play.

Felix
tugged on my arm and I heard Robert, “Hilly…don’t go with that asshole.”

“Ignore
him,” Felix said pulling me along to another skinny flight of stairs.

I
stopped there. “I…I need to get back….” I turned to go back down.

Felix
said, ‘no,’ a bunch of times, grabbing my arm again and pulling. “C’mon, Mama. I
want to paint you…paint on you, man.”

I
worked my arm free of him. “Um…no thanks.”

I
heard rapid steps pounding their way up. “What the hell, man?” Danny said looking
between me and Felix. “Hilly…I couldn’t find you.”

Robert
was saying, “It’s nothing. I’m taking care of her.”

“I’m
gonna paint her, man,” Felix said to Danny. “Don’t possess…and oppress. You can
watch, man. But don’t interfere. This little mama…she’s got a right to be free,
man.” He was pulling me toward the stairs again.

Danny
charged forward and grabbed Felix’s arm. Felix was bigger but Danny was just
more in control of it. “Let her go,” he said.

Felix
let me go and held his hands up like Danny had a gun. Robert yelled at the
drummer to stop. There was a final crash like the guy threw the sticks, then he
started to argue with Robert.

“C’mon,”
Danny said to me. “They want to keep the dogs. Come on.”

He
held my hand as we quickly went down the stairs. Was this it? Was I just going
to leave my Sooner in this crazy place?

Sooner
was lying on the cushion we’d been sharing. Her puppies were gathered around
her and the women were gathered around the dogs petting and cooing.

Dickens
was like the Marlin Perkins explaining each pup—how different they were from
each other. This crowd loved that idea.

The
woman who had been nursing told me, “We’ll take good care of them. Robert will
let Danny know when they’re weaned. We won’t keep all of them…but we have a lot
of people come around. We can find homes and you can help with that. We’ll let
you know. You can come out and see them any time you want,” she said.

“Thanks,”
I said. I went into a speech about what a great dog Sooner was, but they were
barely listening. The pipe was ready and they were drifting toward it.

“Don’t
worry,” the woman said, “they’re a peaceful group. And I can’t do anything with
the nursing so I look out for things. It’s a cool scene here.”

“Yeah,”
Danny said, tension in his jaw from having just confronted Felix, not that I’d
needed him too, but still he had done it. “We better get
goin
’,”
he said to me.

I
nodded. I went to Sooner and patted her head. “Bye old girl. I’ll visit soon.”

She
looked away. She was more interested in her pups. A second story window opened
and Felix called out, “Hey Mama, you ever get free come and find me.”

Danny
flipped him off and we kept walking to the car. Dickens thought this was
hysterical.

We
all got in the front seat. Danny started the car and we pulled onto the road. Dickens
kept looking back in case Sooner followed, but she didn’t.

“I
wonder how many owners she’s had,” Dickens said.

“Maybe
lots,” Danny said. “It makes her more adaptable, you know? Like…she knows the
ropes. It’s like she fit right in there.”

“Well
one good thing,” Dickens said, “we get to eat supper at a restaurant.”

He
took my hand in his grubby one. Danny already held my other.

“’Mod
Squad,’” Dickens said, and Danny groaned.

Finding My Thunder 28

We
were quiet on the ride home. The depressing fact that Sooner was out of my life
was weighted with the relief that she had found a home where she would have a
chance to raise her puppies and be loved.

It
wasn’t perfect, but neither was my house, from day one if I was honest. I’d
pretty much lived in fear that Lonnie would discover her and shoot her or drive
her off. And at Naomi’s it was impossible.

Danny
drove us to Corning and we went to a diner there. It was still risky cause
Corning was where everyone went who wanted to get out of Ludicrous for a
minute, but we were really hungry by now.

Soon
as we went in there we saw Lauren and her family eating dinner. Danny walked in
front of me and Dickens and led us to a booth in the farthest corner. Lauren
craned her neck to watch and her mouth was open.

When
we sat, Danny was on one side, not moving over for me so I sat with Dickens. He
smiled a little and grabbed a menu. He pretended to be engrossed so I figured
he was worried about protecting me again and I softened up about it. I knew he
was upset about me going upstairs, but I was ticked off too. Not a lot, but it
had put something between us.

Dickens
got hamburger and French fries. As he poked the beloved meal into his mouth and
chewed non-stop he seemed thoughtful. He had a few questions…most of them to do
with living naked and how cool that would be, but Danny told him to shut up and
eat and he did. We all did. Or tried to. Danny just picked around. I’d never
seen him waste food.

“Are
you alright?” I asked him.

“Yeah,”
he answered but he pushed his plate over to Dickens and that one polished it
off.

Once
we got to Danny’s house he told Dickens to get out.

“Can
I still sleep in your room? Please, please?” Dickens said.

A
little girl came out of the house then. “Danny,” she called, “Sukey is on the
phone and he wants to talk to you. Mom says to hurry up and get in here.”

“What?”
Danny complained hitting the steering wheel and turning the car off. “I’ll be
right back,” he said to me all crabby.

“I’ll
just walk home,” I said.

“No,”
he said firmly. “I want to talk to you.”

I
sat back in the seat and ended up alone, which gave me time to look at the
house. Annie popped her head out the door and waved and held up a Nancy Drew
book and I waved back. Her hair was in curlers. She waved once more and popped
back in the tired metal screen door. The whole place looked tired, like too many
feet trampled the grass into the earth. It was a solid house but the way it was
settled it looked like it had just let out a big sigh.

Danny
was in there at least five minutes. When he emerged I didn’t like the scowl on
his face.

He
got in the car without saying anything and started it up. He pretty much sped
away from the curb and down the street in the opposite direction from Naomi’s
house. I said, “Where we going?”

And
he said, “Somewhere we can talk.” And I felt sick to my stomach.

So
we drove out of town like we did those nights Mama was in the hospital. When
Dickens got out I’d slid by the door and he didn’t pull me over by him. I had
my arms folded over my chest. He asked me if I wanted to go to the cemetery and
I said, “I don’t want to right now. But…thanks.”

“You
don’t have to always thank me,” he said and I didn’t have an answer.

So
we went in another direction and ended up near the quarry. He parked down some
dirt road and we got out and sat on the hood on the car. He said…, “You want to
tell me what you were
doin
’
goin
’
upstairs with those men that way?”

“What
do you think?” I said.

“What
I said before,” he said looking at me, eyes all intense and him angry. “You
have no sense of self preservation. If you were going to war…you’d be shot
first day. You’d go right in the jungle and say come and get me. Oh…and you’d
forget your weapon, too.”

“Really?
You think I haven’t been strong in my life?”

He
quelled a little. “I didn’t mean that….”

“You
don’t know what you mean. So just shut up.”

We
sat there staring ahead, a foot apart, the hood warm under our butts on this
warm night, our heels hitched on the silver bumper. We were looking into trees
that inclined downhill. Chipmunks were pretty busy rustling through there.

“I
can tell you this…you ain’t ever going back there,” he said.

“You
can tell me?”

“Don’t
get all women’s lib on me either. You’re too naive to be in a place like that.”

“Oh.
I get it. You’re going back. And you can report to me. About the dogs.”

“I
ain’t
goin
’ back there.”

“Oh
I’ll bet. I saw how it was when they got around you. Just like at school. You
love the attention. You have to have it I’ll bet.”

He
glared at me, his lips stacked mean.

“Sometimes…I
don’t know what I’m doing with you,” he said.

I
gasped a little. I slid off the car and stood. “I’m not enough.”

He
reached for me but I stepped away. “Why do you say that?”

“You
can get women….”

“Anyone
can get those women.”

“You’re
just saying that so I don’t think anything about those men.”

“All
we were there was new meat. You do realize….”

“I
didn’t go upstairs to be new meat. I went up with Robert to see the room where
they play their music.”

“I
know that…but you….”

“It’s
not like with Sukey. Did you think of that?”

He
shook his head.

“They
weren’t going to do anything I didn’t want.”

“He
was pulling on you.”

“I
could have gotten out of it. Robert was there, too.”

“He
had his hand on you and he was pulling. He was coming on to you. You do know
that you are defenseless if a guy wants to force you?”

“Yes.
Your brother taught me that.”

We
just looked at each other.

“What
happened that time with Sukey?” he asked, his face…terrible.

“You
saw….”

“I
know what I saw. But…what was it? Was it going to be rape?”

“I
didn’t even know about rape when that happened…but I knew it was real…what he
was gonna do. I’ve never thought about it. Like…shoved it down. The main thing
was you…you broke with me. It’s like that’s all that mattered. But…I have
dreams sometimes…and he was…in real I mean…his hand was working between us…and
he used his weight to hold me there…and his hand was…unzipping….” I had my
hands on my face, I was breathing too shallow, but I could hear the grunts,
feel the angry fumbling, and what he said, “Bitch…bitch.”

Danny
flew off the hood and let out a roar, then he turned and hit the hood of the car
and it dented and he kept hitting it.

I
tugged on his shoulder, “Stop it.”

He
did but he pulled away from me and walked toward the trees, his hands dug into
his hair.

“It
was a long time ago,” I said. Why were we even talking about it?

He
turned to me and let his arms flop to his sides. “No. When we went to the boy’s
farm? You told that boy, the one I flipped off…your name. Hilly. There’s not too
many of those. That’s what Sukey wanted to talk about tonight. It’s like…he’s
sick. He’s dwelling on this. And I brought you there to that farm…like led you
in to it…and Tahlila…that’s my fault, too. Taking you to that place tonight. All
my big ideas…that are going to get you hurt…just like when we were kids…only
now we ain’t kids…so….”

“You
can’t talk like this to me….”

“I’m
leaving. I’m enlisting tomorrow. Tomorrow, Hilly. What I realized tonight? I
have to break with you so I can go. I have to.”

“Not
tomorrow,” I whispered going to him. “You said you needed me. I love you. We
already talked about this…we have a plan….”

“Just
stay with Naomi and go to Temple and be the girl you’ve always been. I’m…I’m
nothing but trouble. You have school starting. Two weeks you’ll be back there. You
have to make it there. They’re cruel. Just do like you know. You’ll be okay. I’ll
be gone. Don’t think of me so much.”

I
made some kind of sound like an animal and collapsed against him. He dragged me
back in the car and he was trying to speak kindly to me.

“Why?”
I kept asking. “Why are you doing this to us?”

“I
don’t have a choice,” he said back, viciously. He was crying and we backed out
of where we were. I had no sense of it, just the car moving. I was screaming,
begging.

When
we got to Naomi’s he put the car in gear and got out to wrench my door open. His
hand was firm on me and he led me to the gate. “Go on inside, Hilly. Go in
there.” He wouldn’t look at me and his voice was concrete.

I
heard Naomi come out on the porch but I wouldn’t look at her, wouldn’t look
away from him. “You’re killing me,” I said.

Now
he did look at me, madder than ever. “Don’t you dare let me do that. Don’t be
your mother.”

Then
he got in his car and pulled away.