Finding My Way Home (5 page)

             
“Funny.  I don’t know.  Lots, I guess.”

             
I’m waiting for him to elaborate but he seems content with his answer so I decide to press on.

             
“School? Work? Relationships? Come on, talk to me.”

             
“God Brenda, does it matter?  My life hasn’t been a smooth ride.  I’ve moved around every few months; didn’t even get to graduate from high school because we were never in the same place for too long.  If that wasn’t bad enough, five years ago my mom decided that taking her own life was an easy escape from it all.  Is that what you want to hear? And let’s talk about relationships. I was still in love with the same girl since I was sixteen and no one was ever good enough to replace her.” 

             
I’m too stunned to say anything.  It hurts to know he’s suffered so much and through it all he never had anyone to lean on.  I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like.

             
“I’m really sorry,” I tell him, my voice so small I’m not sure he even heard me.

             
“Ah don’t do that, OK princess?  I don’t need your pity.  I moved on and learned to deal with it.  At least I stayed true to myself.”

             
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

             
“Forget it.”

             
“Oh no you don’t.  Come on Mr. know it all.”

             
“I said forget it,” he shakes his head and tries to move away from me but my stubbornness won’t let him.

             
“Speak,” I say louder and push hard against his chest until he’s trapped in the corner of the room, with no escape.

             
“Ouch, what the hell.  Relax ok? You tried so hard to con everyone into believing your life was so perfect, what you always dreamt of but we both know that was a lie.  All you have to do is look in the mirror to see that the light, the spark in your eyes is all gone.  You are nothing but a shell moving on autopilot.”

             
How does he do that? I haven’t heard, or seen him, in eleven years and still he is able to read me in less than two days.  Involuntary, I start walking backwards until my back hits the wall and I let myself drop to the floor.  I don’t even have the strength to argue with him.  Maybe I just need to face reality for once.  In seconds he’s by my side and pulls me to his chest. 

             
“I’m so sorry.  Crap princess I haven’t been around anyone that mattered in a long while.  I’m not good with words and I think whatever little filter I had back when we were kids, well it’s pretty much long gone now.”

             
I can only nod and try not to think of the way it feels to have his arms around me.

             
“Seriously Bren, let’s just forget about this for today.  You had so much to deal with all at once.  How about I take you out to dinner?  For old time’s sake,” he gives me a crooked smile and just like that I suddenly feel much better.  I nudge him with my shoulder and smile back.

             
“Sounds good.  Is Bonnie’s still around?”

             
“Only one way to find out.”

             
He pulls me up and still holding hands we walk to my car.  We’re full of dust, sweat and I’m pretty sure my hair’s a mess.  Yet we don’t care and for some reason I can’t wipe the smile off my face.  I don’t think Joe’s ever seen me looking so disheveled and I wonder what his reaction would be if he did. 

Bonnie’s diner is not too far from the house and once again memories of my grandparents fly by as we pass old houses and little shops, forcing me to blink several times to see if the images are real or just a figment of my imagination.  We park right in the front of the diner and I can’t believe just how familiar everything is even after all these years.  Last time I had lunch here was right before I left for college and yet the place looks exactly the same. 

             
The same flowerpots in the front, same neon sign in the window, and if I’m not mistaken, even the daily specials were the same.  Mrs. Develon was Bonnie’s daughter and although she was well into her seventies, she still ran the place like a drill sergeant.  Noah opens the door for me and the bell announces our arrival.  A young girl wearing a fifties-style waitress uniform and the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, welcomes us.

             
“Welcome to Bonnie’s.  Only two?”

             
Just as I’m about to answer I’m stopped by a loud shriek coming from behind the counter.

             
“OH MY WORD.  Brenie is that you?”

I take a closer look and while she looked familiar, I still couldn’t remember where I knew her from.

              “Don’t tell me you can’t remember me girl. It’s me, Gigi.”

             
“Oh my gosh.  Gigi, I can’t believe this.”  She comes around and pulls me close in one big hug.  Back in high school we used to be friends.  It all ended when she started dating some older college guy, got knocked up then moved away. 

             
“Lord is it good to see you.  And who is your hunk,” she raises one brow and licks her lips like she’s looking at a piece of apple pie and can’t wait to get her teeth into it. 

             
“What, you don’t recognize me,” Noah jokes and tries to look hurt.  Gigi watches him, rolling her eyes.  “It’s me, Noah, but I guess it’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

             
“Shush Noah.  I was just trying to make you feel good,” she said laughingly.  “Wow, this is just too eerie; seeing both of you together.  I knew one day you’d find your way back to each other but didn’t think I’d get to see it with my own two eyes.”

             
“We’re not-“ I try to explain that we’re not really together like she thinks we are, but she’s already pulling me to one of the tables.

             
“Sit and enjoy lunch.  I have to go pick up my son but I’m getting a babysitter and coming over to your place tonight.  We need to catch up before you disappear again and I have to wait another seven years to see you.”

             
She blows me a kiss and walks away leaving me breathless. 

             
“What just happened?” We both burst out laughing. The young girl comes over and we place our drink orders.  She looks at us like we’re from another planet and that only makes us laugh even harder.  When she returns we’re still not sure what to order so she lets us know that she’ll give us a few more minutes but I swear judging by the look on her face we better be ready when she gets back or else. 

             
The menu is as old as I am, if not older.  We both decide on the fried chicken and garlic mashed potatoes but decline the salad that comes with it. The food arrives and it’s as tasty as I remember it to be. 

             
“Noah?”

             
“Hm?”

             
“Why did you never write?  I mean I didn’t know where you were but you still had my address.”

             
He places his fork back on the table and looks up with sad eyes. 

             
“I came back.  You were sixteen, getting ready for your party.  You had this white dress on that made you look like a real princess and I swear I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. “

             
“My gosh Noah.  How do I not know this?”  I can feel my heart pounding faster and faster as if it’s trying to get out of my chest.

             
“I didn’t come in.  I sat in my truck watching as you were sitting in the backyard looking as if waiting for someone.  I wanted it to be me you were waiting for.  So badly it hurt.  Then this guy came from behind you and looked like he was about to kiss you so I knew I had no place there.  I didn’t belong here so I drove away and tried to forget all about you.” 

             
I lower my eyes and try to think of something to say but can’t think of anything; my mind is empty.  Maybe all the questioning was a bad idea after all.  Nothing good ever comes back when you try to dig out the past. He senses my discomfort and reaches across the table until our fingers touch. 

             
“Hey, it was a long time ago.  I have to believe there’s a reason why things happened the way they did.  I’m just glad you’re happy and that you live the life you always wanted.”

             
We ordered coffee and he leaned back folding his arms.  I try not to stare at the way his shirt stretches across his chest emphasizing his muscles. 

             
“So why Boston,” he asks.

             
“I wanted to go to New York.  You know, be the new Carrie Bradshaw and all.  Turns out I’m not cut out for that so the next best thing was Boston.  I fell in love with the city the minute I arrived.”

             
“Did you ever consider coming back?”

             
I had to think about it for a moment.  Did I ever consider coming back?  Even if I did in the past, now there would be no point with both nana and papa gone.  There was nothing left for me here and it really sucked thinking about it.

             
“I don’t know to tell you the truth.  I enjoy my job and, hm, I guess I don’t have too much free time to think of anything else.”  I don’t realize I’m biting my nail until he pulls my finger out of my mouth. “Oops, bad habit.  I do that when I’m nervous.”

             
“There is nothing to be nervous about.  Not with me.” 

             
Oh boy if he only knew.  I check the time on my phone and realize the afternoon is almost over and I still have lots to do; not to mention play hostess to Gigi. 

             
“We better get going before it gets dark.  I can’t believe Gigi’s coming over.”

             
“Maybe it’s just what you need.  An old friend to bring you back to life,” he winks and goes to pay for our meal.  The young girl behind the counter almost has a heart attack as she drools at him and I can’t help but smile.  He always had that effect on girls when we were kids.  I still remember the first time he picked me up from school and even the teacher kept staring at him like he was some famous movie star.  The funny thing was that he didn’t even notice any of them. 

             
We walk to my car and this time he opens the passenger door for me, his way of letting me know he wants to drive; I don’t protest.  We continue to small talk about silly things always steering clear of things that could potentially upset either one of us.  He parks in my driveway and I decide that it’s best to say goodbye and leave the search for the infamous letter for the next day. 

             
“Thank you so much for lunch.  It really was nice to get away today.”  He’s watching me with dark eyes as if trying to decide whether or not to let me go. 

             
“My pleasure.  Don’t have too much fun with Gigi.  You know where to find me if you need me.”

             
He grabs my hand and I can feel his callous thumb massaging my knuckles, shooting little needles all through my veins.  I pull away as gently as I can not wanting to hurt his feelings.  Everything is way too confusing at this moment and I am not sure of what I should or shouldn’t feel.  With a small nod he hands me the car keys and walks away leaving me standing in the middle of the driveway, feeling lonelier than ever. 

             
Inside the house I check my cell for messages and it really aggravates me that Joe hasn’t bothered to return any of my calls.  I know how busy he is but for once it would be nice to feel needed and to be put first in his life. 

I t
ake a quick shower and change into a pair of sweats and long sleeve cotton shirt and get comfy in front of the television to busy myself until Gigi’s arrival.  As always there’s nothing interesting on so I mute the sound and find myself thinking back at the conversation I had with Noah at the diner.  I still can’t believe he came back to see me.  What he didn’t know was that I didn’t let that guy kiss me.  If he would’ve waited a few minutes, he would’ve been happy to see me slap the crap out of that punk for even trying to pull such a dumb move on me.  But like he said, it was all in the past. 

Gigi
arrives at eight on the dot and her excitement is contagious. Her arms are full of bags and by the looks of it, she must’ve purchased the entire liquor store. 

“Damn girl what did you do?  Looks like you got a little crazy here, don’t you think?”

She laughs out loud and pushes me towards the kitchen.  “Come on move it before my arms fall off.  Don’t judge me ok?  I don’t get to have time off very often so you should feel very special that I left my kid with a sitter just to spend time with you.”  She starts pulling bottles out and all kinds of containers filled with food and my heart melts at the look of it all.  None of my Boston friends ever did anything so sweet for me.

“My dearest friend I’m going to make you my special pineapple rum juice to help you forget all your problems.”   I grab some glasses, paper plates and utensils and I watch her mix the magic potion.  It looks good and I know that we’ll be wasted if we finish it all.  This is going to be one long night.

“So where’s your hunk of a boyfriend?” she asks and pushes one full glass in front of me.

“Oh, Boston.”
  The orangey liquid is sweet and warms its way down to my stomach, instantly relaxing me.

“What do you mean Boston?  When did he leave?”  It suddenly hits me that she’s referring to
Noah and I have to explain to her what the situation is.

“Gosh
Brenie I’m so sorry about your nana.  She was such a sweet lady and I know how close you guys were.”

“Yeah I’m sorry too.  I guess I never really thought the time would come when I would have to let her go.  I took her for granted.  I took it all for granted.” I finish my drink faster than I should and before I know it,
Gigi fills my empty glass again.

“So what’s the deal with
Noah? I mean the way he looks at you, it’s just crazy.  I remember how you guys were when we were kids.  He was so protective of you and I don’t know, he just always loved you.  Everyone was so sure that you’d get married and have a bunch of kids together.”

“Yeah well sometimes things just don’t work out.  Besides we were so young.  What do you really know about love at thirteen?” 
Gigi doesn’t answer; instead she opens up the containers and fills her plate with food.

“I stopped at the diner on my way here since I figured you
wouldn’t have any food.  Come on let’s eat before we get drunk. Remember back in high school when we went to Marty’s house and she got so drunk she puked for hours.  We were so freaking scared that she was going to die.”  

“And you started crying like a baby because you were afraid your mom
would find out about it and kick your butt,” we burst out laughing just remembering that night.  I grab a plate and put a little of everything on it. We sit on the floor eating and going down memory lane.  “So tell me about your son.  Are you still with that guy?  What was his name?”

“Nah, he was long gone after I gave birth to my little
James.  Haven’t heard from him and honestly I like it this way.  He doesn’t pay child support and has no contact with his son.  I was really hurt at first but with my mom’s help I was able to make it without his help.”

I watch my old friend and can’t help but feel so proud of her.  It takes a lot of courage to be able to do all
of that on your own and she still manages to keep a smile on that pretty face of hers.  “Well cheers to you Gigi for being such a brave girl.  I can’t even begin to imagine what it must’ve been like to be so young and with a baby.  You seem happy.” It wasn’t a question but more of a statement.  She really looked happy.

“
Why should I be sad?  You learn to deal with what life throws your way, you know?  And James’s just great.  He makes my life worthwhile. What about you? How’s Boston?  I think that’s were Sonia said you were.”

“Boston is great.  My life’s pretty lame compared to yours.  No kids yet, no husband but I do live with someone.”

“Oh yeah?  What’s he like?  How come he’s not here?” And there is the million dollar question again.  How do I explain what our relationship is like?  Would anyone understand it and not think it’s weird?

“Joe is a lawyer and very busy so I figured it was best if I came alone.  Honestly I didn’t think I would be here for
more than two days but it turns out my nana had a different plan for me.”