Finding Strength (25 page)

“She doesn’t want to face the facts,” I reply, wincing from the pain that is beginning to return.

“I’m not ready to face them either. What am I going to do without you? And Braxton? What is he going to do?” Pain etches his features and it’s me that has to look away this time.

“You both go on living. You have each other.”

“We need you, Anna.”

I have no answer for that. I have to believe they will both take care of each other, lean on each other, and continue on living the best life they can. I know Zak can and will do everything in his power to make sure Braxton makes the most of his life. I just hope that Braxton can do the same for Zak.

Three days later, the doctor comes into the room, new scans in hand. Her eyes are dim, dark, and portray an undeniable sadness. She takes her time checking the scans I’m sure she has already read. Maybe she is hoping to see something different if she just looks one more time. She checks the machines, nothing the readings in the chart, then she turns to me. The final blow that I knew was coming is delivered.

“There’s nothing else we can do, Anna. The damage is too severe and there is no reversing or stopping it. It’s time to consider hospice where they can keep you comfortable.” There is no emotion save one in her voice. It’s riddled with sorrow and hopelessness.

“When would I go?” I ask.

“You would need to sign some paperwork and then we can transfer you over to the Living Waters facility. I can give you some time to think about it.”

“I don’t need to think about it. I’m ready.”

Chapter Forty-Two

I look around the room and see the faces of those I love. Those who have never let me down, who have always been there. All are somber, all reflect pain. My mom and dad are sitting across the room on the small loveseat. Shane and Amy have chairs pulled up at the end of the bed. Braxton is to my left, tablet in hand, as if to concentrate on anything other than this. Allie has her chair pulled up as close to Braxton as she can get, her head next to his as she watches what he is doing. Zak is to my right. He looks tired and worn out. The lines at the corners of his eyes look to have deepened. His eyes meet mine, his lips turn up at the corners offering me a small smile.

The door to the room opens and Kolby comes in, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He sets them down on the table along the back wall in the room and comes to stand beside the bed.

“I just wanted to bring you those,” he pauses and jerks his head in the direction of the flowers, “and to check on you.”

“Thank you, they’re beautiful.”

“If you need anything, you just let me know.”

“I will.”

Shane follows Kolby out, needing some fresh air and time away from the solemn feel of the hospice room. It hangs heavy, making the air feel thick, like trying to breathe in an underground tunnel. Zak takes my hand in his, bringing it to his lips and placing a gentle kiss to the back of it.

“I’m going to walk outside with Shane. I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Amy moves to the chair that Zak just vacated. Her eyes are rimmed red, evidence of the pain she feels, the heartbreak that is sure to come.

“Everything is going to be fine. You’ll see.”

“I wish that was the truth, Anna. I’m not as strong as you, I guess. Nothing is going to be the same.” A tear rolls down her cheek, I watch its movement as it drops from her chin.

“I didn’t say the same, only that it will be fine.”

“Braxton, Allie, would you like to go with us to get some dinner for everyone?” My mom asks, wanting to let Amy and I have this talk without the kids present. I give her a smile and mouth ‘thank you’ to her. Braxton and Allie follow my parents out of the room. Before they can get too far, Braxton comes sprinting back to my bed, throws his arms around me, as much as he can, and kisses my cheek.

“I love you, Mom.”

“Oh, baby, I love you, too.”

I hold on to him a little longer then I hesitantly loosen my grip. I let the tears fall just as he makes it through the doorway.

“I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to leave any of you, but Braxton, that’s my baby and I’m not ready to leave him.”

“Then fight, Anna. Don’t give up,” Amy pleads.

“It’s not that simple. I’ve done all I can do and I’m too tired to fight anymore. Besides, it wouldn’t help anyway.” Amy drops her head to the bed and cries, her sobs muffled by the blankets. I squeeze her hand, it’s the only way I can comfort her. When her sobs quiet I ask her, “Will do you something for me?”

She looks up, face still wet from her tears, a few stray tears still making their way down her cheeks. “Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll look after them. Make sure they are okay. Do the same for them as you did for me, please?”

“I promise.”

The light from the TV cast a subdued glow over the room. The sound turned down so low, I can barely hear it. Braxton went home with Amy and my parents left just a few minutes ago. Zak moved the fold out chair next to the bed after they left and is softly snoring. I don’t know how many more days I have with them, and I wish that I could take their pain somehow. If I knew how long I had, maybe then I could help prepare them better.

I close my eyes in hopes that sleep will soon pull me under its spell, taking away the worry. Instead, another sharp pain rips through my chest, eliciting a moan from deep inside my chest. Zak is up on his feet instantly, pressing the button on the wall that will alert the nurses. A few seconds later, a nurse with short blonde hair dashes in the room. It doesn’t take her long to see what the problem is and without saying a word, she scurries out of the room, returning a moment later with a syringe with what I assume is pain medication. She administers it and within minutes, the pain is gone, masked by the drug running through my veins.

“Thank you,” Zak tells her as he staggers to and then slumps down in the chair. His head in his hands.

“Feeling better now, Anna?” she ask me, sincerity and true compassion visible on her face and in her eyes. It’s comforting to know that this complete stranger cares so much.

“Better.” My breaths are coming in fast, short pants. I feel like I have just run a triathlon.

              “Good. If you need anything, you just let me know and I’ll be here.”

The next couple of day pass by in much the same manner. There is someone, or a few someone’s, constantly bedside keeping watch over me. My body is beginning to shut down, it’s harder to move and talking has become a chore. It takes great effort just to have enough air to push a few words out. There’s nothing for me to do but wait. I have thought to myself numerous times in the past couple of days how I wish that God would just take me, save them from the pain, the suffering. It would be easier on them all to be able to grieve, begin picking up the pieces, and move on.

People come and go from my room throughout the day. Aunts and Uncles that I haven’t seen in years come to visit. It is funny how death can bring people together, either from guilt or from true remorse for being absent from your life. Some old friends from high school came by as well. Word must have gotten out and spread like a wild fire through town. If I wasn’t so weak and confined to the bed, I’d probably throw them all out. It kind of sounds rude when I put it like that, but the truth is, if you couldn’t be my friend when I was perfectly fine, why pretend to be one now. I guess they are looking for some sort of hero cookie, or to be able to say how they were here for me in the end. Zak caught on pretty quick, he’s always been able to read me easy without any spoken words, and he sends them on their way after a few minutes and fake tears. I love him for that.

Finally the visitors trickled to a stop, only my family remaining. Amy, Shane, and Allie are included in that equation of family since sometimes it’s not always about the ones who were born with the same genes as you, as much as it is the people who choose you, that make a family. I scan the faces of each person sitting with me. Each one different, yet the same. Poignancy, heartache, despondency, despair, and sorrow blanket their expressions. As I look at each one, I know that if I just look hard enough, I will find a ray of hope. One’s spirit is never completely dashed, one’s flame never fully put out, and in the end, it will be hope that carries them on and lifts them up from the ashes only grief can cause. It’s in that hope, that each of them will find their own inner strength that will set forth a new determination to live each day to the fullest. It’s in that hope, that I close my eyes and let sleep claim me, pulling me into its peace.

It’s been eleven days since I was transferred from the hospital over to hospice. Each day, I can feel my body deteriorating even more. I struggle with the things that should be so easy. Moving, opening my eyes, breathing. As much as I want to stay, I know it’s almost time to say good-bye. I turn my head slightly and see my husband and son, sitting in the chairs beside my bed. Braxton, my sweet boy, has his head lolled back against the chair in an awkward position. For ten years, he has been the joy of my life and I will carry that with me, always.

My eyes move to Zak. He has his head leaning on his shoulder, his eyes are closed. I once thought that I would never find love again. Not the kind that I had with Jacob, but I was wrong. Zak has brought so much to my life and given me an unconditional love that I never knew existed. I see Zak’s eyes open and he looks at me, meeting my gaze. He rises from the chair to stand beside me. My vision is fading as my breathing becomes shallower. It’s so hard to get the air to my lungs. My heart rate begins to slow, the monitor following its beats, slows as well. Zak sits on the edge of the bed and runs his finger along my cheek and down my jaw. I hear a whispered ‘I love you.’ I try to say the words back but my mouth will not cooperate, or maybe my body just doesn’t have the strength to say the words I so desperately want to say. I tried. Oh, how I tried! Zak must have seen it in my expression as I hear him once again whisper, “Shh, I know, baby. I know. It’s okay to go.” I watch as a tear slides down his cheek, over his jaw, and drops away just before he brings his lips to mine one final time.

As I move my gaze from Zak to Braxton, I am filled with their love. I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that in love, there is strength. And it’s in that love that I find the strength to let go. Taking one last shuttering breath, I close my eyes and exhale the last remaining life I have in me.

Epilogue

One Year Later

              There’s a cool breeze rustling the empty branches on the trees. The sun is shining and a few puffy clouds float across the rich blue sky. Amy and Shane and are standing in front of the three granite markers where each of their friends lay at rest beneath the soil and grass. Amy slowly sits down on her knees, first speaking to Lindsey.

“Hey Lindsey bug. I still miss you, every day. I wish you were here with us, but I know you’re probably much happier now that you have your mom back. You take care of her up there. I love you.” She turns her attention to Jacob’s name. “Hey Jacob. We miss you, too. Take good care of our girls until we meet again. I love you.” Shane places his hand on Amy’s shoulder, it comforts her as she turns her attention to Anna’s name. “I don’t even know where to begin. I miss you more than words could ever say or express. Braxton and Zak are getting better every day. I’m keeping my promise to you. I’m going to give Braxton the diary today. I had it printed and bound and I think you would like it. They are waiting to talk to you but I want you to know that I love you. In my heart, you will always be my sister.” Amy stands, folding herself into Shane’s embrace as they step away from the graves allowing Zak and Braxton to take their place.

Braxton is quiet, just staring blankly at the names engraved in front of him. He wipes the tears from his eyes even as they continue to fall, one after another. “I love you,” he says before turning and running to Amy and Shane. They wrap him in a hug and let him cry his pain out into their chest.

Zak bends down on his haunches, his arm resting across his thigh. He sits in silence for a few moments just letting the grief wash over him.

              “Hey, Sunshine,” he says. Reaching up, he rest his hand against the stone, letting his head fall forward. “I’d do anything if I could just hold you or see your smile just one more time. I need you, Anna. I wish I could have traded places with you. You should be the one here raising Braxton.” Zak didn’t hear Braxton walk up behind him and he startled when he felt his hand touch his shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay, Dad. I have you and Mom is always here,” he says pointing to his chest. Zak put his free arm around Braxton as he continued to talk to Anna. “We miss you. I love you, Sunshine.”

They stood, neither moving to walk away for several heartbeats. Shane and Amy stood flank on either side, standing tall and offering a silent support. The four finally turned as one and made their way back to the waiting vehicles. Braxton and Zak climbed into the truck. Zak turned to Braxton before he turned the key in the ignition.

“You called me Dad,” he stated.

“You’re all I have left besides Gramma and Grandpa. I know my real dad is dead, but you have been my dad for as long as I can remember. I want you to always be my dad.” Zak pulled Braxton into an awkward hug, his heart feeling a mix of so many different things, but one stood out more than any. Joy. Zak was sure as the day is long that there was nothing he wanted more than to be Braxton’s dad.

“I love you, Son.”

“I love you, too.”

Later that evening, Amy asked Braxton to follow her. They walked out onto the back patio, Amy closing the door behind them.

“Let’s sit,” Amy said, taking one of the chairs and then waited as Braxton got situated in the other one. “I have something for you. Your Mom and I worked on this for you,” Amy pulls the book from a bag she had sat next to the chair earlier in the day and holds it out for Braxton to take. He carefully takes the book, his eyes never leaving the cover as if it held his mom inside. And in some way, it did. “She wanted to give you something that would always help you remember her.”

“She made this for me?” he asked in astonishment.

“She did. I think you should check out the very last page,” Amy said, standing from the chair. “I’ll go inside and give you a moment.”

When the door clicked behind him, Braxton gingerly opened the book to the very last page. There, in his mother’s own handwriting was a letter addressed to him. He slunk back in the chair, bringing his feet up and resting the book against his legs as he read.

My Dearest Braxton,

             
Please know that I never wanted to leave you. I have loved you every second from the day you were born. You have been the joy of my life, and you have brought me so much happiness. I wanted to leave you with something that will always remind you of me. When you think you are forgetting me, read the words on the pages. When you feel alone, you’ll find me within the bindings. I’ll always be with you, wherever you go in life, I’ll be there. I want you to live your life with the most meaning possible. I want for you love from the inner-most part of your heart. Hold on to those closest to you and never let go. Forgive before being asked, help when someone is in need, love hard, and live free.

              You have a family that loves you as much as I do. Shane and Amy will always be there for you. Your grandparents will help you all they can. Allie, she’s your best friend. Protect her always. Zak, he loves you as if you were his own. Take care of each other, be there for each other and remember, you are never alone.

              Just one more thing before I go, know that I am proud of you. I’ll be waiting in the wings when our time to reunite comes. I’ll be watching over you, every adventure, every big event, and even the small ones, I’ll see them all. Know that I’ll be proud of you then, too.

              I love you, son. Nothing can ever change that.

              Mom

“We must always remember that sometimes our happy ever after isn’t what we pictured at all. It may come in the form of marrying the love of your life, having a family, and growing old with them.
Sometimes, however, it’s much deeper than that. For Anna, it’s being happy and free of pain, knowing that we will carry on and that everything is going to be okay. Even though she left behind people that she loved, we’ll see her again,”

Braxton hugs Amy tight around her waist. Stepping back, he looks into her eyes, “It’s all gonna be fine.”

“Yes, it is.”

The End