Finding the Center Within: The Healing Way of Mindfulness Meditation. (30 page)

You must begin with lovingkindness toward yourself. If you are upset and angry with someone, it will not do to try to force yourself to feel compassion toward him or her. The difficult emotions you experience testify that
you
are the one most in need of lovingkindness at that point. Begin with yourself. Send yourself oceans of love, patience, and understanding. Often, this will be enough, as the kindness toward self begins to overflow to those around you.

Metta meditation begins with self and then expands in progressively wider circles, each of which is a little more difficult, a little more of a stretch. From a base of genuine self-love, we gradually expand the focus of our concern. First we expand to those who are closest to us, such as our families, then to our friends, then to neutral individuals or acquaintances, then to enemies—those the very thought of whom causes us pain—and finally to all beings. This is a progression from easy to hard, in other words, based on the assumption that self-love is most natural and easy, then love of our families, and so on, with love of enemies and universal love the hardest. However, as we have discussed, in our culture it is not always to be assumed that we love ourselves in a true and genuine sense. So it may be easiest at times to water seeds of love by beginning with our partners, our children, or whomever we find it easy to feel loving toward, perhaps even the cat or the dog.

2. Begin with yourself. Let a loving, accepting attitude arise toward yourself, toward your body and mind. Smile warmly to yourself. Aloud or silently, as you breathe consciously, say the following: May I be happy and joyful.

May I have all that I want and need.

May I have ease of well-being.

May I be safe and free from harm or injury.

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May I be free from anger, fear, worry, sorrow, and all afflictions of body, mind, and spirit.

May I attain the peace beyond understanding,

liberation from all suffering,

the bliss of enlightenment.

3. Pause and breathe between each statement, letting the intent behind it be clear and vivid, not mechanical. Stay with each statement for at least a few breaths, and continue until you start to feel a change in your consciousness.

4. When you are ready, move on from yourself to others. Changing the pronoun “I” in the statements above appropriately (you, he, she, they), extend the same intentions to:

•

the people closest to you, your family, your beloved

•

friends

•

neutral people or acquaintances

•

enemies or people the very thought of whom causes you pain

•

all beings

As above, try your best to make the intention behind the words clear and vivid.

5. Do not rush through this for the sake of some kind of completeness. It is best to take your time and proceed in a relaxed way, rather than trying to complete a list in order just to get through it. If you are the one most in need of healing during a particular session, you may spend the whole meditation period sending yourself lovingkindness.

It can help to practice this systematically. For example, spend a whole meditation period on yourself (or a week or a month of meditation periods), then move on to those closest to you for the same amount of time, then to friends, and so on. Or if you prefer, include some of each level within one sitting. But however you choose to practice metta meditation, it is most important to remember to do it with true feeling behind the words and not simply by rote.

You might like to begin with the intentions as stated here. They have the virtue of a broad and generous spirit. But of course, adapt them or use others as you see fit. It is helpful to use the same intentions at each 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 193

Pinpoint Your Resistance

Subtle changes begin the moment you start this practice. Like a good, patient scientist, be alert for these, as well as for the more profound changes that take longer. Allow a period of time for regular metta meditation and see what happens to your mental state and, indirectly, to your relationships.

With certain individuals, you may notice some resistance to cultivating the same intentions toward them that you cultivate toward others or toward yourself. Of course, you expect this when it comes to working with enemies—those the very thought of whom causes you pain. More surprising, however, is when we experience it with ourselves. For example, when working with the statement “May I be happy and joyful,” do you notice a slight twinge of doubt, as if it were not okay to wish this for yourself ? Or you may balk a little at wishing yourself to have all you want and need, especially if you have a traditional Western religious background. “All I
need,
okay, but is it really okay to have all I
want?
Isn’t that a little greedy?” But this is precisely the point as you stretch and extend your sense of kindness toward yourself and then toward others. Gradually, the resistance loosens, and you feel a greater openness, with fewer restrictions and limitations. You might find it easy enough to pray for your own enlightenment, but when it comes to asking the same thing for Harry or Sally, you feel a twinge of reluctance. Imagine Harry and Sally being enlightened persons! This can be especially difficult with our enemies, finding it hard to acknowledge them as spiritual beings who are also seeking liberation from suffering.

Such resistance shows that the practice is hitting home. When these 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 194

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intentions penetrate your consciousness deeply enough, you will notice an increased ease in dealing with others, and may notice them responding to you differently as well. Others sense the change. Simplify, Simplify

You might like to use the full statements listed above (or similar ones) for a while. These words focus our thoughts, which otherwise remain blurred, indefinite, and fluid. After doing this for some time—perhaps weeks or months—the words may sometimes feel burdensome. At this point, experiment with using fewer words, simplifying the sentences, or using no words at all. For example, when practicing metta meditation for yourself, imagine just resting in the presence of total love and acceptance, perhaps saying the word
love
to yourself. Likewise, with other people, you may find a wordless capacity emerges to just hold them in love. In practicing for all beings, you may want to imagine a light reaching out from your heart to all living beings. This can be more than sufficient without using words. When your intent becomes hazy or unclear, then return to the full verbal form. As with meditation in general, there are many moments during the day to practice metta meditation informally. A therapist or doctor may pause briefly between seeing patients, for example. The mail carrier can silently voice an intention at each stop. It does not take a lot of time. You can find ways to practice metta meditation with each person you come in contact with in quiet and unobtrusive ways. Slowly, you may begin to see this change your interpersonal landscape. Examine Your Relationship Skills

Part of the practical nature of Buddhism teaches that kind, loving intentions, while important, are insufficient. The pain we create for one another more often stems from ineptitude or lack of skill than from negative intent. The practice of mindfulness helps tremendously with this as we observe with full awareness how what we say and do affects others and how what they say and do affects us. When we can do this calmly and without excessive self-recrimination or blame, we gradually learn what is skillful and what is not.

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In personal relationships, we allow room for positive intentions. It is helpful to honor the positive intention behind someone’s overly blunt remark. But skill is vital nonetheless. And the lack of it can create an animosity that, over time, robs us of our compassion and our peace. At that point, when we lose not only the ability but even the intention to be loving toward someone, it is difficult to get back on track. Consider, for example, the profound animosity you find in some couples. If two people are together, presumably they came together out of love and attraction. So how does it happen that, months or years later, this love has degenerated into regular hold-no-prisoners, straight-for-the-jugular arguments or even physical violence?

Lack of skill accounts for much of this degeneration, ultimately turning love into hatred. This is a transformation we could live without. Perhaps because of our devotion to ideals of romantic love, we somehow expect that a good relationship should come easily, of itself, without effort, care, or attention. Instead of wondering how to care for our relationship, we view the relationship as a static, unchanging entity, judging it good or bad, as though that’s just the way it is and there’s nothing we can do about it. But no matter how strong the love is at the beginning, if a relationship is not grounded in a down-to-earth capacity to give mindful attention, being aware of what we say and how we say it—if there is no willingness to give some effort to everyday things like listening deeply and performing small kindnesses—the day will come when love is overtaken by hatred.

Last night I saw
Antiques Roadshow
on television. I watched a woman’s eyes light up because the five-dollar article she bought at a garage sale was appraised at thousands of dollars. I wondered about the person who sold this piece so cheaply. What if he was also watching the show and saw that he had sold something worth so much for so little?

Yet this is an everyday occurrence in our relationships. Through lack of skill, we give away our most precious possession for a pittance. We sell our most important relationships for practically nothing. Skillfulness and preparing the groundwork together. One enhances the other. It does not matter how well you weed and water your garden 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 196

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if the soil is not prepared in a way that allows the seed to germinate and stretch into the light. Likewise, no matter how well you prepare the soil, if you do not take care of the young plants that emerge, your harvest will be disappointing. If you do not prepare the ground by cultivating lovingkindness, you will find it difficult to put your skills into practice. Without preparation, your anger and hostility may be too strong. Even if you say the right words, but by tone and gesture betray an underlying anger, then your words will ring hollow and false. It requires both processes working together—preparing the ground and regular care—metta meditation and skilled practice, to produce the harmony and everyday miracle of good relationships. Listen Deeply

To listen deeply to another person is to give a wonderful gift. Since our culture values action and solving problems so much, we vastly underrate the healing power of listening. We think that to be helpful, we must say something, do something, offer advice, or solve the problem for the other person. “Good advice is often a doubtful remedy,” wrote Jung, “but generally not dangerous because it has so little effect.” Even when our advice is helpful, it is often not the advice per se that helps but the concern that the other person feels behind it. Deep listening is the most important part of psychotherapy. But even therapists tend to assume that it is our words of wisdom, our wonderful advice, or our brilliant psychological interpretations that make the difference. And while these all have a place, it is less significant than generally assumed. Even our words of therapeutic wisdom may ultimately be more of value because the client feels cared for by them than because of their specific content. Those of us who practice therapy, valuing it as we do and as we should, must at the same time realize that the existence of our profession is at least as much a symptom of the lack of deep listening available in our doing-and solving-oriented world as it is a cultural advance. When we realize this, we will not be led astray; we will realize that we need to say less and listen more, with more depth, clarity, and calmness. To listen effectively, we must create a space for the other’s concerns in our hearts. We cannot do this when we are already full of our own thoughts, plans, worries, and goals. We cannot do it when we are plan-08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 197

To listen to another person requires a willingness to
understand
. To understand means to
stand under,
to calm your mind enough to let your own concerns, reactions, opinions, judgments, and preconceptions take a place below the concerns of the other at least for a while. Understanding may even be more important than love, for if you understand, then you love. But if you say you love, but do not understand, you may be deluding yourself.

Put Beliefs and Attitudes Aside

Often when we say we are listening, we are actually just running the other person’s words through the filters of our own beliefs and attitudes. One such filter is
agree/disagree
. With this filter on, we do not listen, we simply test the other person’s words against what we already think is true. It matters little whether we agree or disagree. Even if we agree, we do not really hear, but we defend ourselves and our own view of the world, creating distance between ourselves and the other. For there’s a perception that to let another person in may change us. And this perception is correct. To listen is in fact a willingness to be touched and changed by another.

A second filter is
pleasant/unpleasant
. If what the other person says creates a feeling of tension or unpleasantness in us, we want to defend ourselves from it; we want to push it away. Sometimes when we cannot help but blurt out our sage advice or judgment, it is because by doing so we are attempting to hold this discomfort at bay. It makes
us
feel better to say, “What you really should do is . . .” or “You’re looking at it wrong. The truth is . . .” It reduces
our
discomfort to say such things. But it may not be so helpful to the other person. She may even feel,

“You just don’t understand!” For our offer of solutions or advice, while protecting ourselves from unpleasant feelings, can close us off from the reality of the other person. And if the other person disagrees with our advice, we can close her out still more by saying to ourselves, “See, it’s her own fault! She deserves it. She won’t listen!” For if we can persuade ourselves that the other person has brought misfortune on herself, we 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 198

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