Finding the Dream (For the Love of Music #1.5) (19 page)

Twenty-four

Sierra sat in the passenger’s seat recognizing that the next three hours would be little more than anticipation of her parents, and instead of being a wreck over the whole thing, she was just tired.

Driving would be better than just sitting at home and waiting.

Donovan sat behind the wheel of his van. “It’s not safe, but if you wanna sleep, you can crash in the back.”

“I slept in.” Sierra let out a sigh. “I’m okay.”

“You know what I need?” he asked as he leaned over the center of the car.

“Hmm?”

“A kiss.”

She turned to face him. Donovan.
The
guy.
THE
guy. Asking her for a kiss.

Instead of answering with words, she crushed her mouth to his, wrapping her arm around his neck and pulling them together. His kiss was slow and deep and soft and perfect.

Donovan broke their kiss with a chuckle. “I will never get tired of this mouth.”

His hand rested on her cheek for a moment longer before he settled back into the driver’s seat. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

He slipped the car into gear and they started out of town.

“There are some things I want to talk to you about before I leave, so this is actually fine.” He gestured toward the road. “This trip.”

“Aren’t you full of silver linings today?” she teased.

“That’s what a night of great sex with the amazing Sierra does to a guy.” He winked. “There’s a blog post title for ya.”

“Very funny.”

“Okay but seriously.” He pushed out a short breath and grasped her hand. “I want to build a life with you, See. I want… I don't want anyone else. I can see myself with you. It feels…easy.”

“Me being pregnant and us being in the car to go talk to my parents feels easy?” she asked.

“Not when you put it like that.” He smiled again.

She poked his cheek already missing him.

“I want to be with you. Right now I can’t imagine not wanting that. And this baby…” He took their intertwined hands and touched her stomach. “I want… This will be like proof that I can do better than I had, and I’m going to do everything that—”

“Wait. Stop.” Sierra loved that he was okay with the possibility of her being pregnant, but, “The tests could be falsely positive. It’s so common to lose the baby in the first trimester. I don’t feel like that’s certain yet. I can’t… After knowing what it’s like to really be with you, I don’t think I could handle feeling like you were with me because I might be pregnant.”

Donovan’s face was relaxed and they continued up the highway together. “I… I don’t know how to separate you from the idea of the baby. I know that before I knew you were pregnant, I was ready to move forward in a big way with you. There’s no way any answer I give you won’t be tainted by what I know.

“When you said you were pregnant. I didn’t panic. I felt… It felt… It felt sudden, but I’m more worried about you and how you feel about it and your parents and… That’s it. For me?” His fingers tightened around hers and Sierra held her breath, her heart swelling with every word. “For me, I’m ready. I’m older. I know you. I mean
really
know you.”

Sierra felt her emotions welling up and when she blinked, tears rolled down her cheeks. “We’re going to be okay.”

“So okay.”

“But… On the road, Donovan. Months. And…” And she could only guess at the kinds of offers Donovan might get.

“Chris is recently out of rehab. It’s no secret that Lita James’ mother died of an overdose, so my guess is that the after party scene will be pretty tame. I think it won’t be nearly what I’d always imagined, you know? Also. I’m yours, Sierra. You have my heart and my life and…everything.”

“Because of the possibility of baby?” she asked quietly.

“Because of you.” He kissed her hand. “And I hate the idea of Clark not approving of me for you, but…”

“I can’t handle the idea that he won't be thrilled once he gets used to the idea. He knows you, Van.”

“And maybe that’s the problem.”

She was so stunned she couldn’t speak. “How could that be the problem?”

“You rest. Try to fall asleep. I hear growing a person is hard work. Even a small one.” He kissed her hand and Sierra just stared.

Donovan swallowed. “I’m not perfect, Sierra. I was in a shitload of trouble from a few different places when I moved in with your family.”

Sierra leaned over the car and kissed his cheek. “You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. But I’m pretty sure you’re perfect for me.”

Once again he quickly pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her.

They were really going to be okay.

Donovan pulled into her parents’ driveway and Sierra jolted awake next to him. She was definitely a lot more tired than normal and worry pinched at him because he’d be gone.

“Sorry,” she said as she stretched. “We’re just jumping right into all the hard things, aren’t we?”

“Together. Yes.”

She pulled in a breath and pushed out of the car. Donovan followed and the front door opened to reveal Sierra’s parents.

Clark looked…unreadable. His brow was pulled together strangely. Confused?

“Donovan and I are going to take a walk, why don’t you girls get comfortable inside?” Clark suggested.

Sierra grasped Donovan’s arm and looked up at him with her wide, worried eyes. All Donovan knew was that he wanted this house to once again feel like a place he was welcome. He wanted to talk to Clark and Lani about how in love he was. How happy.

Clark walked past Donovan and Sierra sliding his hands in his pockets. Donovan pecked Sierra on the cheek before following.

“So,” Clark started as they hit the sidewalk.

“I can guess at a few things,” Donovan said.

Clark nodded.

“You probably had something very different in mind for Sierra.”

They took a few steps in silence.

“An idea that she’d meet some nice guy in college without a complicated past. That he would be about to graduate with a good, steady job in architecture or finance, or be a doctor or lawyer or something. That she’d take her time and get to know this guy and then start to date him. They’d get married a couple years down the road. And then once he was settled in his job, they might have a kid or two.”

Clark actually chuckled and Donovan felt himself take the first truly relaxed breath since leaving home.

“And instead she ended up with a guy like me.”

“You think I object to you?” Clark asked evenly.

“I would if I were you.”

“Why?” Clark asked.

Donovan snorted. “Just look at where I came from.”

“And look at who you’ve become.”

“I run a small store and do some music. Neither of which is steady. Both of which could just end at any time.”

“I was shocked, Van. Totally and utterly shocked. I knew if I said anything, it would have come out completely wrong. Lani said something might spring up between you two and I laughed her off.” Clark kicked a stray rock onto the street. “I should know after thirty years to listen to her.”

“I love Sierra. I loved her like she was my sister when I lived with you and like a friend after that, and after not seeing her for a couple years and having so much fun living with her… I fell in love with her in a different way. I know you want better for her, but I don’t think anyone could love her like I do. It takes my breath away. The idea of leaving now feels…”

Clark rested an arm over Donovan’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze before letting him go. “I wanted you to come live with us long before I asked you to. Long before your parents’ deaths dictated that you find a new place to live.”

Donovan glanced at Clark but he still watched the pavement.

“I think Sierra chose well in you. I just wish…”

“You wish it would have happened differently.”

“Of course.”

And that wasn’t something that would change anytime soon. “I’m sorry for her sake, but not for mine.”

That’s all Donovan had, and he hoped it would be enough to ease her father’s mind.

Clark’s head rested forward in something between resignation and a nod. But they were talking, there was honestly between them, and Donovan was okay with the rest taking some time.

Sierra gave her mom her best ‘really’ look when Lani rested her hands on Sierra’s cheeks. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

Sierra backed out of her mother’s hands. “I feel fine. Tired. I slept a ton last night.”
After all the great sex.
“And slept most of the way here.”

“How does Donovan feel about all this?” she asked.

Sierra smiled. “He’s like… I’m afraid to believe him.”

“That good, huh?” her mom asked.

Wait a minute. “You know I’m sort of mad at you.”

Her mom frowned.

“Poor Donovan! You wouldn’t even speak yesterday!” Sierra pushed into the house. “And now dad is giving him some kind of crappy lecture.”

“And you don’t think he deserves it?” her mom asked.

“No!” Sierra threw her arms in the air. “He was out with his friend Chuck. He’s twenty-four. He’s allowed to go out and get smashed with a friend once in a while. He came back to the apartment and I totally instigated it.”

Her mom just stopped at the top of the stairs, staring.

“What?”

She sighed. “Your father’s over-protectiveness has worn off on me more than I thought.”

Sierra sat on a stool at the kitchen counter. “I can’t help you with that except to tell you to please let it go.”

She sat next to Sierra. “How do you feel about being pregnant?”

“I took two tests at Target, Mom. It could be nothing.”

She shook her head. “It’s not nothing. Those tests use the same technology that the tests at your dad’s office use. Do you know how far along you are?”

“No idea. No… I guess I could do the math back to that night.”

“It goes by your last period, not conception, so you can add maybe a week to that day…” Her mother’s face reddened slightly. “Whenever that is.”

Sierra placed a hand on her stomach. She was probably further along than she thought she was. Crazy.

“So is Donovan not going on this music thing then?” she asked.

“He has to go, Mom.”

Lani’s brows rose.

“There’s no way I’d let him stay home. No way.”

Her mom folded her arms. “You shouldn't be doing this alone.”

“And you and dad shouldn’t have separated me and Donovan. What is this?
Questioning
? Separate us out to get better answers?” She could feel her mood shift into frustration.

“No.”

Sierra turned back for the front door. “I’m gonna go find Dad and Donovan and head for home.”

“You know you’re welcome to stay here while he’s gone,” her mom said.

No. Sierra loved her little room in her little place, and she wasn’t going to finish the semester early anyway.

“I have a home, Mom. I’ll be fine.” She pushed open the front door and ran into Donovan, his arms around her waist immediately.

“Hey there.” He gave her a half-hearted smile—one that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Sierra’s gaze shifted to her dad.

“You know I wanted different for you,” he said. “But you two will be okay.”

And for that moment, and for the next little while, it was enough.

Sierra leaned into her dad and whispered, “I’m happy. I promise.”

He patted her back, and Sierra knew it would take time, but that he’d be okay.

Make sure Donovan knows how much I love him.

- Sierra

Make sure Sierra knows how much I love her.

- Donovan

Twenty-five

Donovan drove, the road sort of blurring into the background.

“Today was another crazy day,” Sierra said.

“Agreed.” He couldn’t stop touching her. Holding her hand. Running his fingers up her arm. Touching her hair. Resting his hand over the stomach that held their baby. Their child that would grow into a person, and his throat swelled every time he thought about it. About doing it all with Sierra.

Just before they reached the highway, Donovan slowed, his heart racing. But he was ready to share this with her. Wanted Sierra to have all the pieces of him. Who he was and who he wanted to be.

His heart filled his chest. “Would you go somewhere with me?”

She tossed her hair back. “Sure. Wherever. I’m just trying to figure out how huge I’m going to be when you get back.”

“You’ll be beautiful.” He touched her chin.

He flicked on his turn signal and pulled into the old driveway.

“Where are we?”
she asked.

“In the middle of my past.”

His body grew stiff with memories just like last time he’d come. So much had happened since then. Donovan pushed out of the car and walked around to open Sierra’s door but she was out and waiting for him when he reached her side.

Donovan blinked and reached out his hand. Sierra immediately grabbed on and they began walking together. Slowly.

“This is where I grew up.”

They took two more steps together. “I can’t believe it’s still here… Overgrown I mean, and not turned into something.”

“Me too.”

“Who owns it?” she asked.

“My dad’s brother. I’ve never spoken to him in my life.” Step after step they made together, and Sierra couldn’t know the significance of having her there, but it didn’t matter. She was with him and wanted to be.

“Some days I could hear Dad yelling from about here.” Donovan paused and Sierra stepped closer to him, grasping his arm. “The driveway felt so incredibly short on those days.”

Sierra grasped his arm and kissed his shoulder.

“I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be the opposite of my dad. It doesn’t work. And sometimes I’m not even sure what the opposite should be.”

“Van…” She kissed his cheek this time.

“When I do something horrible like running out on you the morning after we slept together, I feel like I’ll never escape who I’m supposed to be. And there are times like today when I feel the love and excitement over this baby we’re bringing into the world, and I don’t feel doomed anymore.” He stared up the driveway hoping she’d understand.

“You’re you, Van. I love you.” He could feel her sincerity in every word.

“It is terrifying to let someone see all the parts of me. I can’t… I’m so afraid I won’t be what you need.” He stared up the driveway. Let himself wallow in the memories of the place.
Let himself believe that he’d be better. That he’d be all the good things he wished his dad had been.

“Don’t you get it, though?” she asked quietly. “You’re my friend. And now we’re more… That’s all I need. That’s all I
want
. You’re enough.”

He was enough.

Donovan stopped, pulling her into him and Sierra’s warmth wrapped around him. “You’re enough. Just you.”

The pressure of Sierra and the place and his past and present and future all tangled in his chest. “I wanna do the right thing,” he said.
“Always.”

“Go. Play music. I’ll be blogging and looking for more fish. Taking care of our little one.”
Her face rested on his chest and she tightened her arms. “The baby that still only feel half real.”

“I’ll be missing you.”
And he wasn’t sure “missing” was nearly powerful enough a word.

“Good.” She kissed his neck. “Because I’ll be missing you too.”

After what could have been two minutes or an hour, Donovan released his hold, and rested his forehead on hers.

“You don’t want to go to the house?”
she asked.

“Nope.” He squeezed her hand. “I’ve got everything I need.”