Finding You (18 page)

My whole body was ablaze as Logan changed the angle of his hips so quickly that I screamed out his name. He was unrelenting as my moans of pleasure entwined with his groans of desire.

“I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you. I will always love you, Neva.” He said, before plunging inside me once more as the inferno detonated inside me. He took me to a place where I couldn’t comprehend, splitting me in half with an orgasm so fierce it took my breath away.

“I love you.”

The walls inside me contracted from the incredible tingling that encased my body from just his words, as Logan’s hips jerked and his back bowed.

“I fucking love you.” He groaned as his found his own release.

It was right then, in that moment that I realized that Logan White had captured my heart. I could only hope that he wouldn’t break it.

I was hot, so freaking hot. All I could feel was heat, why was I so damn warm? I slowly pried my eyes open, smiling when I noticed Logan sound asleep. His right arm was resting above his head as he slept on his back, he looked so peaceful. His gorgeous features even more pronounced in the morning light as he slept. He was stunning.

His arm was underneath me, cradling my body, while his leg was slung over my waist, trapping me, keeping me. I needed to make this as painless as possible, for him. Not for me, I deserved to feel like shit; to be the bad person. My heart will break, it will shatter, but surely it would be worse if we were together. My demons and fears would tear us apart, leaving only broken hearts and shattered dreams.

I slowly moved from the bed, trying my hardest not to wake him. I was a coward and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. I just didn’t want to see Logan’s face if he had to watch me leave. It would kill me. I loved him enough not to put him through anymore shit from my past, a past that rips through my present and taints my future.

Sliding out from the bed, I frantically looked for all my clothes, finding my phone on the floor by my panties. It was on silent, but the screen was screaming at me that I had missed several calls. Picking up my phone, I swiped my finger across the screen to reveal the total destruction I had caused. Angel’s name appeared before I could see the damage, shit. I had left the party last night without telling anyone where I was going, including Angel. I’ll call him later, right now I needed to get back to my dorm.

Quickly picking up my clothes, I ran into Logan’s bathroom, throwing my clothes down on the floor before stepping towards the sink. Looking into the mirror, I gasped from the reflection that stared back at me. My eyes sparkled without the use of makeup, my cheeks were glowing a perfect pink and my hair looked glossy. My body glowed while my mind splintered in two. I was such a horrible bitch. Tears stung my eyes as I hurriedly threw my clothes on, knowing I wasn’t just about to do the walk of shame, I was doing the walk of ‘the bitch who just broke her best friend’s heart.’

Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the bathroom to find the bed empty. Where was Logan? Shit, I didn’t want to do this face-to-face. I wanted to sneak out and be the cowardly bitch that I was. But before I could leave, I heard the door swing open. Turning around, I saw Logan taking heaving breaths looking at me with wide eyes.

Tears stung my eyes as I watched Logan run his hands over his handsome face as he gasped for breath, had he gone for a run? I bit my lip hard as I watched a single bead of sweat run down the side of his face, a face that was only last night snuggled close into my neck.

“Where did you go?” Logan asked as he walked into the room, kicking the door shut behind him.

“I was getting dressed.” I replied as heat flamed my face, the reason why I was naked this morning staring me right in the face.

“I thought … I thought you left.” He uttered so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

“I was.” I whispered as I moved my gaze to my feet, not wanting to look him in the eyes anymore.

“You were going to walk out of here while I was still asleep?” My eyes quickly snapped towards his as his voice raised with his question. “After everything, you were going to just fucking leave?”

“Yes.” The tears fell quickly and freely as I watched pain flash across Logan’s face. His brows furrowed as he tried to take in what I had just said.

“I’m sorry.”

It was pathetic. I was pathetic. Sorry wasn’t going to fix anything nor was it going to help, but all I could do was watch as Logan’s eyes turned into something I had never seen before. He was angry, angry at me.

“Save your fucking apologies, Neva.” He said before angrily wiping away tears that had escaped his eyes. “We both understood that this was only one night, but I hoped that maybe when I finally told you how I fucking feel, that maybe you wouldn’t rip my heart out.”

I gasped as I watched more tears drop onto his cheeks, his eyes now bloodshot and his face tear stained.

“You have ripped my fucking heart out, Neva and what’s worse is that I love you far too fucking much to hate you for it.”

I couldn’t hold back the sobs that threatened to escape as the tears spilled from my eyes. It was then that I realized that in trying to protect my own heart, I had shattered another.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The words tasted sour as they poured from my mouth, as the enormity of what I had done hit me, hard. Throwing my hand over my mouth as I tried to stop the sobs from escaping further, what had I done?

“Logan, I -” I started as I took a step forward but Logan swiftly cut me off with a shake of his head.

“I’ll keep my promise, I’ll leave you alone.” He said closing his eyes as he quickly sucked in a breath.

“Logan.” I didn’t know what to say. What do I say to the man I loved … The man who laid his heart out to me … The man who had made love to me?

“Please.” He pleaded as a sob broke from his lips. “Just go.” He stepped further away from the door, indicating for me to leave.

I didn’t know what I was more afraid of, Logan breaking my heart or me shattering his. I needed to tell him, I needed him to understand why. Taking a deep shaky breath I made my way towards the door, there was no use trying to apologize to him. It was clear ‘sorry’ wasn’t going to make a difference, I had hurt him. Deeply.

As I reached the door, I quickly turned to face him, his eyes wide, not knowing what I was doing. But, I had to do this. I had to make him understand. Before Logan could react, I placed my palm against his cheek, which was now soaked in tears, killing me further.

“You scare the shit out of me, Logan.” I said, watching as Logan’s face flashed with shock. “You know me on a level that no one else does, you see the real me, the broken me.”

I closed my eyes, remembering the night of one of my worst nightmares I had ever had to endure. I was fifteen, and Logan had been pulling me out of my hellish nightmares for four years, always by my side when I need him most … until that night.

Tate and Logan had been invited to a house party, Logan was reluctant to go, worried that I would need him when he wasn’t around. I was quickly becoming sick of my nightmares tying him down, tying him to me. But I soon regretted that decision when I was once again pulled into the shadows. Darkness seeped through every fiber of my being as I was restrained under another spine-chilling torment.

I was being tortured. The demons were killing me emotionally, breaking me physically, thrown right back to the day at the hospital. I was pinned to the ceiling above my father’s body, desperately watching as a scared ten-year-old me was being ripped apart from her father. My wrists were pinned, outstretched beside me, the grip becoming tighter and tighter as the minutes passed. Pain shot through my body as I watched a doctor walk into the room, unable to scream as another hand wrapped around my throat.

Tears spilled from my cheeks as I watched a doctor turn off the machines that were keeping my father alive, the lines on the screens flattening out as my father silently slipped away. I wanted so much to comfort him, struggling against my captors, but they were unrelenting. They pinned me down tighter against the ceiling, torturing me further.

A cloud of black smoke suddenly covered my body, only to disappear seconds later. My eyes struggled to adjust to the different lighting. My eyes widened as I looked around, the scent of car fumes penetrating my nostrils … I was on the bridge again, a demon floating over my body once more.

In a wave of panic my mom had called Tate and Logan, unable to wake me from my nightmare as my demons carried on the painful onslaught. They broke me into tiny little fragments, controlling me, and tearing every last shred of my spirit.

“I will always love you.

I will always protect you.

I will always keep you safe.”

Three tiny promises penetrated through the darkness as searing pain ran through me, my throat feeling as though someone had slashed it with a razor. I was crying out, screaming in pain for both my ten-year-old self and the father I would never be able to get back. My demons were locked away until the next night of painful memories would wash over me, guarded by my protector as he soothed my shivering skin. My erratic heartbeat settled as the sobs calmed into silent hiccups. He had come to protect me, to save me from my demons once again, pushing them back into the abyss.

Tears spilled down my face as I stopped the memory, taking me further into my past, realizing that he had spoken the same words when he was making love to me. I gently stroked away a single tear from Logan’s eye as I tried to explain further.

“You have seen me in my darkest moments, those earth-shattering, gut wrenching moments where I am pulled right back to that day in the hospital. You have seen my pain and suffering and that is why we can’t do this, Logan. My grief could tear us apart.”

My tears were constant and unrelenting as I took a shaky breath and continued.

“My past will tear us apart, don’t you see that? With Angel I can pretend I am normal, not the broken Neva that you know or see. The look in Angel’s eyes isn’t sorrow or pity, it is fire, want and need. He doesn’t know me.”

Logan’s eyes closed as he sucked in a breath once more.

“I need you, Neva.” He croaked before biting his bottom lip.

“I know, but it’s time I protected you. I need to protect you, I need to keep you safe, from me.”

The more I spoke, the more I lost a piece of myself to Logan, his face was a picture of heartbreak. I had done that, and I fucking hate myself for it. I slowly wiped away one more of Logan’s tears with the pad of my thumb, smiling weakly at him.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, before leaning in and briefly grazing my lips against Logan’s cheek.

I didn’t wait for a reply as I quickly opened the door and left Logan behind, making my way down the corridor before suddenly stopping in my tracks, hearing Logan’s breaking voice.

“Stay safe, Neva.”

“Always.” I said, knowing he wouldn’t have heard me as I walked out the building. Leaving behind the man I loved with a broken heart.

“Where the hell have you been?” Low snapped as I made my way into our dorm.

“Not now, Low.” I shot, hiding my tear-stained face with my hair as I made a bee line for the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and locked it tight behind me.

“What’s going on, Neva?” Low asked from the door, her voice taking a calmer tone than before.

Placing the palms of my hands against the wall in front of me I let my head bow, the tears now coming thick and fast as I was no longer able to hold in the gut-clenching sobs that escaped.

“Shit.” I cried before throwing the palm of my hand against the wall.

I let the sobs take over my body, allowing them to consume me. The tears melted together on my cheeks as my lips burned from the saltiness of my pain. I was doing this to protect him, to protect me. Frustration took over as I silently cursed the man that caused all the pain, all the suffering. The man that broke me into millions of pieces and left me to put them back together; the bastard that killed my father.

Justice was served, they said. My ass, justice was served! The man who killed my father was injured in the accident. They were just cuts and scrapes compared to what my dad went through. Once he was released as a patient he was arrested, charged with Vehicular Manslaughter. We were told he pleaded guilty and was sentenced to ten years. Thankfully, we didn’t have to go through further trauma of going to court. Ten years wasn’t enough, it was never enough.