Fire Always Burns (3 page)

I caught Andrew looking at the can, unopened in my hands. His dark eyebrows twitched together, curious. I set the can down next to me on the wood, hiding it from his line of sight. I turned to Luke, ignoring the questioning look Andrew shot towards me.

“Luke, you know we'll help you out anyway we can. We are here for you,” I smiled at him. He gave a halfhearted smile back, tossing his empty can to the ground and stuffing his hands deep into his pockets. He kicked the empty can towards a tarp covered pile. It pinged hollowly through the small space.

Britney stood up and starting walking towards Luke. “I'm really sorry Luke, but I have to get to work. My shift starts in a little bit. Come by though, and I'll get you a drink or two on the house,” she said, giving him a hug. He held onto her, drawing off her strength. I could see her whisper into his ear, and he pulled her in closer before letting her go. She waved to the rest of us, hoisting her purse onto shoulder as she disappeared around the corner of the hardware store.

Luke paced between the lumber pile and the back of the building, kicking the aluminum beer can every time he passed it. It made a strange sort of clock as Eli, Andrew, and I sat there, counting the number of metallic pings. The sun began to set behind the mountains, sucking the rest of the day's warmth with it, but turning the sky brilliant shades of orange and gold. I messed with my jacket, wishing that I had worn a heavier one. Eli's phone began to sing some sort of rap song, but he picked it up before I could recognize any of the lyrics.

“Hey... Yeah, I'll pick up some milk on the way home. Be there soon,” Eli clicked his phone off and picked up his backpack. “Luke, man, I'll see you tomorrow. Tyler will be okay. He's a good kid.”

Luke nodded, his hands somehow going deeper into his pockets. Eli clapped him on the shoulder as he walked towards the path to the parking lot, then disappeared into the deepening dark.

“I got to get home too. Holly, could you give me a ride? Britney dropped me off so I don't have my car,” Andrew said as he stood up. I nodded and stood up as well, grabbing the tarp and pulling it back over the wood. Andrew and Luke grabbed the other tarps, resetting the space. It felt cold and distant when everything was back, our perfect spot nothing more than an illusion. It made me sad.

Luke walked with us back to the front of the store. He stood in front of the glass door, the light spilling out onto the sidewalk and casting dark shadows across his face. He looked so tired, so broken. I hugged him tight, wishing I had a way to fix this. I wanted so badly to wave a magic wand and make his world bright again. As I let go of him, Andrew gave him a hug as well. The three of us stood there for a moment, all looking at one another, not really wanting to break apart. None of us wanted to be alone, but we had no reason to stay.

A customer opened the door and brushed past Luke breaking the spell. Luke sighed and went inside, turning the sign to closed. I could see him heading towards the register to start closing up for the night, but he turned and waved. Andrew and I waved back, and began walking to my car in the far corner of the lot. The streetlamp sputtered to life, the electrical hum filling the empty lot with light.

I unlocked the car door and Andrew slid into the passenger seat, kicking an empty grocery bag out from under his feet. The engine whirred to life, heat slowly trickling through the vents after an initial blast of cold air. I pulled onto the main street and began heading towards Andrew's house. We sat quietly until I turned onto his street, Andrew's house the last one on the block.

“Do you have to get home right away?” Andrew asked, breaking the silence. I shook my head and he smiled at me. That smile made my heart jump. “I don't want to go home yet. I haven't gotten to see you much since you got back. Can we just sit and catch up?”

I nearly slammed the brakes, but instead managed to pull over and park the car. I had forgotten the effect Andrew could have on me. He sighed, unbuckling his seat belt. I glanced over at him, wondering if he knew how much I had missed him. Missed just hanging out and being near him.

“Why don't you want to go home?” I asked, turning the music down to just a gentle murmur in the background. Andrew shrugged, looking out the window and playing with bag under his feet. “Come on, Andrew. You know you can always tell me anything.”

“I got a letter in the mail today about my scholarship,” he started slowly. He stared out the window, avoiding me. He sighed, his breath fogging up the window. “I didn't want to say anything around Luke. There was more than enough bad news for one day without me adding mine.”

“What did the letter say?”

“My scholarship is going to expire. They gave me a grace period, with my dad dying and everything, but they can't save it for me any longer. If I don't go next fall, I lose it.”

I let out my breath in a slow hiss. I knew Andrew dreamed of going to medical school someday. Ever since he helped a kid who broke his arm on the playground, he wanted to be a doctor. He was always looking up medical stuff and volunteering at a free clinic in the city. I always thought he would be halfway there by now, not still stuck in this small town and living with his mom.

“Why don't you go? Your mom would understand.”

“I wish I could," he said. He sighed, before continuing. "Do you know what happened the last time I left my mom alone for a weekend, let alone long enough to go to school? She called the cops and reported me a missing person. She doesn't know how to be alone anymore. I can't leave,” Andrew said sounding exasperated and tired. “She won't let me have my own life, but she doesn't even realize she's taking it.”

He sounded so alone in the dark. So forlorn and lost. I wished I could take the pain away from his voice, absorb it into myself so he wouldn't have to have it anymore.

“I'm sorry,” I said, saying the only thing I could think of. I could see his shadow shrug, his head slowly turning back towards me from the window.

“It's not your fault. I'm just so frustrated. The worst part is she doesn't even realize she is doing it. I hate that I'm stuck in this stupid town because she doesn't know how to be alone anymore. I hate it here. There is nothing I want here anymore,” he said into the darkness. I was glad the darkness hid my features.
Nothing I want here
. I knew he didn't mean me, but I wanted to cry. The insinuation stung.

“I'm sorry,” I repeated softly.

“I didn't mean it like that, Holly. I just, I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to get away from this place. Away from the memories. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels here while the world passes me by,” he rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out how to say what he was trying to say. I stayed quiet this time, not really trusting my voice. Andrew could always tell when I had been crying, or was about to cry. It was like a superpower of his. An awkward silence started to fill the car, but before I was forced to reply, Andrew's phone began to wail.

“Hey Mom. No, I... I'm fine Mom. I'm actually with Holly, we just stopped to talk for a little bit... Mom says hi, Holly,” he said as he leaned back in the seat. I could see his shoulders sag from an invisible weight as he spoke with his mother. “I'll be home in a little bit. Just turn the thermostat up a little... Yes, please start dinner. That sounds great, Mom.” A moment later he put his phone back in his pocket and sighed.

“Tell me your troubles,” I said turning towards him.

“What? No.” He shook his head, his lips keeping the no going long after his voice.

“Come on. We used to talk all the time. Talk to me. If nothing else, vent. Get it out. No judging here. Everything stays in the car- you know the drill,” I coaxed. He sighed and flung himself back into the seat. It took a moment, but he started talking.

“Mom 'forgot' to get the groceries again this week,” he said flatly.

“I remember- I saw you at the store. You said she wasn't up for it,” I nodded encouragingly.

He sighed and continued. I closed my eyes, imagining the scene he was laying out. I could see his mom, the layout of his house, the way their kitchen somehow always smelled of fresh bread.

▪▪▪

Andrew set the last bag of groceries from the car on the floor of the kitchen, making sure he didn't track any mud into the house. Audrey, his mother, was busy putting them away as quickly as he brought them in. He began to help her, putting the milk in the fridge and shuffling around the contents to make room for the rest of the food.

“Thank you for getting the groceries, Andrew. After last night's shift, I just couldn't get going this today. Your dad used to do the grocery shopping for me- he would always buy something special for you, remember?” She stopped for a moment, her eyes going distant, as she drifted into the past.

“Yeah, I remember Mom. He would always get me a special cereal or dessert or something. How about I just plan on doing all the grocery shopping from now on? I can do it on my way home from work on Thursdays and that way and you don't have to worry about it,” Andrew said as he put the eggs away.

“Oh no honey! I am the parent here. You shouldn't have to do that. I appreciate you doing it today, but I'll do it next time,” Audrey said putting her hand on his shoulder. Andrew sighed. That was what she had said last time. And the time before that, and the time before that.

Andrew couldn't remember the last time she had actually gone to the grocery store. Every week she waited until the last moment to ask him to go for her. One week he had gone preemptively, figuring that she would back out yet again and send him off at the last minute; Audrey had been furious. She had screamed that she was the parent and how dare he do his father's duties. The memory made him cringe.

“Ok Mom. I'll be on the computer if you need me,” he replied, turning to head for his room.

“I thought I would make chicken pot pie for dinner tonight. It was your father's favorite,” she called out after him.

“Sounds good, Mom. The veggies are in the freezer,” Andrew yelled back as he opened the door to his room. He could hear his mother rooting around in the kitchen for the various pans and supplies as she started dinner. He sighed again as he sat down at his computer desk and turned on his laptop. The fan whirred to life as he waited for it to boot, feeling beaten yet again by groceries.

▪▪▪

“The groceries are just part of it. A symptom of the whole disease. She just can't get past this and she refuses to get help. I made her an appointment at a therapist, and she refused to go because she said, and I quote, 'I'm not sick Andrew! Nothing is wrong!' I think she lives in this world where Dad is just missing and will come home any day now,” Andrew said into the dark, his voice full of anger and pain. I sat and listened to him vent about his mom, listening quietly as I thought about how his mom got to this point.

It had been almost two years since his dad died. Two days after high school graduation, Andrew's dad had gone to replace a power transformer and never came home. The last memory of his dad was talking to him that morning, his mouth full of cereal as they discussed his plans for college. Andrew had a scholarship to Colorado State University and plans to go on to medical school after that. Mr. Miller had been so proud of him. He had told everyone in town that his son was going to be a big fancy doctor someday, the biggest grin on his face.

Andrew was at my graduation party when a police officer arrived to get him and his mom. I can still see the haunted look on his face as the police cruiser took them away to the morgue. He told me later the coroner said his dad never felt anything, the electric shock was so strong. Andrew could never decide if that was true or if the coroner was just trying to comfort a grieving kid.

Charles Miller had been a good man. I remembered him working long hours, but always coming home to tuck Andrew in at night as a kid, even if he left right after to get back to work. He had loved Andrew more than anything in the world. Andrew had known that things between Charlie and his mother weren't perfect, but growing up he had always had two loving parents. His parents had a happy relationship, but even as a teenager, I had noticed that they were more friends than lovers.

Andrew's mom took Charlie's death really hard. I remembered her laying in bed for months after the accident, barely moving and refusing to eat. Andrew spent a lot of time at my house that summer, his own house too full of pain. Andrew had been incredibly grateful when my dad had helped him arrange the funeral, as his mother was in no condition to do it. Andrew had no idea if he wanted to be cremated or buried, and no concept of how to arrange any of it. When he had to sign the papers to release his father's body, he went with my dad. When my dad came home, his shoulder was damp with tears and he had tear marks on his own face. I never said anything about it, but I was glad someone had been there for him.

We were supposed to leave for college together, but when the water was turned off because Audrey forgot to pay it, he canceled his plans to go to college and took over. His father's life insurance paid off most of the mortgage, and Charlie had saved up enough to keep the lights on for a while. It had taken a lot of time, patience, and help from my dad, but Andrew had finally gotten his father's affairs in order and the bills sorted out.

When money started to get low, he told his mom it was time for her to go back to work. She seemed confused at first, but she had sat silently as he told her he was putting off school and getting a job at the local hardware store. He told her he would take care of her, but that he needed her help to make ends meet. He had called me that night because he could hear her crying through the walls.