Fire and Ice (Guardians) (37 page)

"I called a cab," Maia said shortly as she pushed the button for the elevator.

Jack walked up to her, afraid to touch her because he might not be able to let her go.
 

"I love you, babe. Please be careful."

The elevator arrived sooner than Jack would have liked it to. Maia stepped in, looked back at him and smiled weakly.

"I love you too, Jack."

CHAPTER NINETEEN

She left me. She just left me
. Jack stared dumbly at the elevators and stood there for what felt like an eternity. He was hoping that it would open at any moment and she would choose to come back and forget her god damn assignment. Or maybe he was in a nightmare and he would just wake up.

When it was apparent that she was not coming back, Jack slowly marched to their bedroom like a zombie and sank down on the bed. He buried his face in his hands feeling like he was going to shatter with some emotion he couldn't quite handle.

It was anger, anger and some form of betrayal. Why was he angry at Maia? Wasn't this what they had agreed upon? That he would not interfere with her job? That he had understood the consequences of getting involved with her? Everyone had warned him—Derek, Viktor and Maia herself.

Or maybe it was anger at himself for constantly lying to Maia when he said he was OK with her job and its associated risks, when truthfully he wasn't?

Suddenly he felt exhausted ... mentally, physically and emotionally drained. He crawled into bed, still in his work clothes, and inhaled the scent of her on the sheets. And then he fell asleep.

Jack dragged himself to work for the next three days. It had been painful to wake up in in the mornings to a cold empty bed. He just wanted to lay there and stare at the ceiling. Is this what he had been reduced to? Someone adrift with no direction? He forced himself to get out of bed and get ready for work. He nicked himself a couple of times shaving, and decided to give up for the time being.

He'd been a robot for the past few days, just signing papers, responding to phone calls with little enthusiasm and
 
simply breathing but not feeling any life in him.

Derek was coming in today after an extended vacation past the New Year. Perhaps his friend would be able to kick some sense into him.

"So are you growing a beard, Jack?" Derek asked as he moseyed into his office. "Everyone seemed relieved that I'm back, said you weren't yourself. So what's up?"

"She's gone," Jack replied dully. Not looking at his friend but just scribbling idly on a notepad, he told him what had gone down when Maia left.

"Ah...I thought you were okay with that part of her life," Derek said tentatively.

The spark seemed to return to his body, or was it rage?

"Obviously, I lied!" Jack snapped. "Why would she leave like that? Can you explain that to me? Why would she do that if she loved me? No matter how you look at it, the way she just left me, like I was some meaningless fuck, was totally screwed up. Do you know that I feel anger towards her? I should be worried, but no, I am angry at her. What does that say about me?"

"Jack ..."

"What does that say about me that I am feeling anger instead of worry?" Jack repeated in an anguished whisper.

"Jack, maybe you're angry because she put you in a situation where you're worried about her and there's nothing you can do to protect her," Derek said quietly. "Does that makes sense?"

Jack threw his pen on the table and raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm not like this. I can handle this better. It's her job and I have to understand it."

Derek looked at him doubtfully. "She'll be back before you know it, Jack."

Unfortunately, in the next few days, Jack did not understand. He just got angrier and angrier and his emotions began to spill into his work. He started snapping at everyone and his staff started avoiding him. Derek had to pull him aside a couple of times to calm him down.

"I take it understanding is not working?" Derek asked.

"Fuck off!"

"Jack, I'm the only one here who is willing to face you," Derek said. "Now you've got to get a grip of yourself or you're going to bring this company down in a space of a week."

Derek was exaggerating of course. The company could run itself smoothly thanks to Jack's efficient assistants—but his assistants were presently nervous wrecks because of him.

Right now, Jack felt like the company could go to hell and that's when he realized that he was holding on to anger so toxic it was making him irrational. He was not this person. He seriously had to get his act together.

"I'll sort my shit out," Jack assured his friend wearily.

For the next two weeks, things at work returned to normal. As normal as Jack could force himself to be at the office. He also finally shaved his beard and had buried the anger somewhere deep inside him. A pit of worry had started to grow with each passing day as the three-week mark approached. Was Maia all right? No news was good news right? Jack was itching to call Viktor but Derek had cautioned him about that. There was nothing Viktor could tell Jack: it was against protocol and might only bring about a repeat of the Mike Callahan debacle if both men went into a pissing contest.

The nights were a different story. He didn't want to go home to his apartment. He felt an unbearable ache in his chest because she wasn't there. He missed her and was slowly going out of his mind with anxiety. This made him lose sleep at night, and though he tried to put on a brave front at work, his face was haggard and taut with dark circles shadowing his eyes.

He lived on caffeine during the day and whiskey at night with the occasional slice of pizza that Derek would try to shove down his throat. He was functioning, but he was also empty.

***

The first inkling that Jack had that she was back was the aroma of apple pie that wafted through the elevator doors as the car reached the penthouse.

Elation hit him. She was back. She was safe, Jack thought as a surge of emotion overwhelmed him.

Then he saw her. His beautiful Maia, smiling at him as if she had never left. She walked towards him as he stood motionless in front of the elevator. He was stunned. He was stunned that, as she approached, the pent-up anger that had consumed him that first week came roaring back.

As she reached out to hug him, he recoiled. He held his arms out to hold her at arm's length and shook his head numbly at her.

"Jack?" Maia asked, a frown etched in her face, alarm in her eyes.

"I can't do this," Jack found himself whispering hoarsely. His own voice sounding so distant. "I thought I could, but I can't"

"Jack, I'm back. I'm sorry that ..."

"No, Maia. I was wrong to think that this could work," he continued quickly, wanting to get it all out because he knew that if he kissed her he would be dragged back into their complicated relationship. He had managed to untangle himself, hadn't he? He had survived the past three weeks. He missed her terribly, but he was functional. He could do this. Now was his chance to work her out of his system. "I don't think this relationship can work. I'm sorry, Maia."

"You're ending this?" Maia's voice caught in a hitch, her hand went to her throat as if in disbelief.

"I don't accept what you do, I lied," Jack admitted. "I'll always try and want to protect you. But not knowing where you are, what danger you're in—that will drive me insane. That's not a life I want. A life of not knowing. It'll turn me into a horrible person—that's not me. You'll always choose your job, I'm not even going to try to compete."

Maia's eyes flashed with pain and Jack fought the urge to yank her into his arms and kiss her to make that pain go away. Just as quickly, a mask fell over her face, her clear blue eyes turning so icy they made Jack wince.

"I see," Maia said with no emotion. "I guess there's nothing else I can say?"

Jack strengthened his resolve. He could do this. When he spoke, it was with businesslike detachment. "I hope you can get your things out by tomorrow. I leave for work at around 9:00 am."

Maia gave a snort of disgust. "Is this how you end all your arrangements?"

Jack sighed. "Maia, I'm trying to make a clean break for both of us."
 

 
"You speak from experience of course," Maia said mockingly. "Don't worry Jack, you won't find a trace of me anywhere when you come back tomorrow."

She grabbed her purse and walked to the elevator. Before she stepped in, she looked back at him and said, "Have a good life, Jack."

And then she was gone.

"He broke up with me," Maia said despondently as she tossed back a shot of tequila. She was with Derek at a bar in Georgetown. She had gotten into a cab and promptly burst into tears. Bawling like a little girl, the first person she called was Derek.

"You two drive me bug fuck," Derek said tersely as he tossed back his own drink. "Jack was a fucking mess when you left. If you'd handled that better, you two probably wouldn't be in this shit."

"So are you saying it's my fault?"
 

"Maia, stop acting like a child. You know what I mean," Derek said irritably. "I thought Jack had sorted his shit out, he's only dug himself a deeper hole. Look, this is just anger and he will come around."

"You know I was going to stay in Russia for a few more weeks? There were weeks' more work, but I told our client that I needed to fix some personal stuff—meaning Jack," Maia said sadly. "I guess I don't need the week I requested."

"You're going back?"

Maia nodded, her face hardened. "I called Viktor before you arrived. I'll be leaving with a couple of Guardians in a few days. Our client is going on full offensive. It's going to be war."

"Holy shit," Derek said as he ordered a couple more tequila shots.

"This last gig was tough. Had to travel almost halfway through Russia without being detected," Maia shuddered in recollection. "We had some really close calls. Nearly got my head blown off by a sniper. Another time we got cut off from our ammo truck and had to fight our way out with Molotov cocktails."

"Jesus. Is it going to be more of the same thing when you go back?"

"I hope not. Like I said, this time we're going on an offensive. We're planning an assault on the enemy stronghold, when we could get a lock on it, that is. That's why I still had time to come back. Guess I should have just stayed behind and helped in the search," Maia said as the thrill of the mission returned. With no anchor, no Jack, she had become this deadly weapon once more who was willing to do whatever it took to finish the job.

Derek frowned as a killer gleam entered Maia's eyes. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

"You know what? I've never been better," Maia declared as she tossed back her drink and laughed with rancor. "I have no more Jack to worry about. I've said this before. What makes an effective Guardian? No attachments."

 
"Maia, don't say that," Derek pleaded, concern in his eyes. "He'll come around, the man is confused."

"I won't let him come near me again. He broke my heart, Derek," Maia whispered bitterly. "I didn't ask to be in a relationship with him. He pursued me and then when he couldn't handle the heat, he tossed me out—he gave up, just like that. I don't need a man like that. I was better off by myself. Like I am now. Where all I feel is the thrill of my next mission. Let that be a lesson."

"Jack's hurting. He's proven himself to you more times than ever. He's never felt this strongly for anyone and he doesn't know how to handle it," Derek tried to argue.

She shrugged. "It's too late."

"Sweetie, don't be like this."

Maia shook her head as she stated resolutely. "I'm done."

***

Jack anxiously strode into his apartment. He had gotten up that morning with pragmatic optimism. It was Day One of life without Maia. He saw Derek briefly at work but his friend did not speak to him, acting seemingly pissed which, Jack suspected, he was. He felt guilty for getting Derek caught up in the drama between him and Maia. Everything would resolve itself eventually.

As Jack loosened his tie, he saw a keycard on his kitchen counter. Maia's elevator keycard to his apartment. He felt a pang settle in the pit of his stomach, a swell of emotion starting to push up uncomfortably into his diaphragm. He walked swiftly into the bedroom and noticed that everything looked tidy—too tidy. The bed was made, the sheets changed, the night tables and dressers wiped down. The floor was vacuumed and polished. The scent of lemon and bleach assailed his nostrils as he entered the adjoining bathroom. Every single tile gleamed, all his personal essentials were there but not a single item of hers was left.

Maia's words echoed in his head, "
You will not find a trace of me anywhere...
"

Jack walked into the huge closet. Maia's clothes, shoes and bags were gone. He moved to the dresser and started opening the drawers, a strange panic starting to well up inside him. Gone. Everything that belonged to her was gone, even her scent, that special perfume that was all Maia... Jack inhaled... nothing. Except. Jack opened the bottom drawer and he saw them—the necklace and earrings he had given her for Christmas.

He picked up the boxes and opened them. The diamonds sparkled as he remembered the night he had made love to her, how he was bent over her and moving inside her, pumping into her lush heat.

Jack flung the jewelry boxes at the far wall and tore through the apartment desperately searching for any sign of her, any clue that she had been there and that what they had shared had not been a dream. But there was nothing.
 

She had erased herself from his life
.

 
An anguished howl pierced the room, as he sank down on the hardwood floor beside the bed. His cheeks were wet. He was crying.

"What have I done?" he rasped, a guttural sound against the walls.

This was what he wanted, right? He had told her to clear out by today. And she did. So what was that twitch in the pit of his stomach? That burn on his chest that had become so heavy and painful it weighed down like an anvil? With shaking hands, he poured some whiskey and tossed it back.