First Love and Other Sorrows: Stories (3 page)

She and my sister spread the newspaper on the dining-room table to look at the ads.

“We’ll just have to settle for sandwiches tonight,” my mother said to me. My father was dead, and my mother pretended that now all the cooking was done for my masculine benefit. “Look! That suit’s awfully smart!” she cried, peering at the paper. “Montaldo’s always has such nice suits.” She sighed and went out to the kitchen, leaving the swinging door open so she could talk to my sister. “Ninety dollars isn’t too much for a good suit, do you think?”

“No,” my sister said. “I don’t think it’s too much. But I don’t really want a suit this spring. I’d much rather have a sort of sky-blue dress—with a round neck that shows my shoulders a little bit. I don’t look good in suits. I’m not old enough.” She was twenty-two. “My face is too round,” she added, in a low voice.

My mother said, “You’re not too young for a suit.” She also meant my sister was not too young to get married.

My sister looked at me and said, “Mother, do you think he shaves often enough? How often
do
you shave?”

“Every three days,” I said, flushing up my neck and cheeks.

“Well, try it every other day.”

“Yes, try to be neater,” my mother said. “I’m sure girls don’t like boys with fuzz on their chin.”

“I think he’s too proud of his beard to shave it,” my sister said, and giggled.

“I feel sorry for the man who marries you,” I said. “Because everybody thinks you’re sweet and you’re not.”

She smiled pityingly at me, and then she looked down over the newspaper again.

Until I was four, we lived in a large white frame house overlooking the Mississippi River, south of St. Louis. This house had, among other riches, a porte-cochere, an iron deer on the lawn, and a pond with goldfish swimming in it. Once, I asked my mother why we had left that earlier house, and she said, “We lost our money—that’s why. Your father was a very trusting man,” she said. “He was always getting swindled.”

She was not a mercenary woman, nor was she mean about money—except in spells that didn’t come often—but she believed that what we lost with the money was much of our dignity and much of our happiness. She did not want to see life in a grain of sand; she wanted to see it from the shores of the Riviera, wearing a white sharkskin dress.

I will never forget her astonishment when she took us—she was dressed in her best furs, as a gesture, I suppose—to see the house that was to be our home from then on and I told her I liked it. It had nine rooms, a stained-glass window in the hall, and neighbors all up and down the block. She detested that house.

As she grew older, she changed, she grew less imperious. She put her hair into a roll, wore dark-colored clothes, said often, “I’m not a young woman any more,” and began to take pride in being practical. But she remained determined; she had seen a world we didn’t remember too clearly, and she wanted us to make our way back to it. “I had it all,” she said once to my sister. “I was good-looking. We were rich. You have no idea what it was like. If I had died when I was thirty, I would have died completely happy….”

But being practical did not come easy to her. She was not practical in her bones, and every spring brings back the memory of my mother peering nearsightedly, with surprise, at the tulip shoots in her flower border. And it brings back her look of distraught efficiency during spring housecleaning. “You’d better clear your closet shelves tonight,” she would warn me, “because tomorrow Tillie and I are going in there with a vacuum cleaner, and we’ll throw out everything we find.” Year after year, I would run upstairs to save my treasures—even when I was sixteen and on the verge of a great embarkation, the nature of which I could not even begin to guess. My treasures consisted of my postcard collection—twenty-five hundred cards in all, arranged alphabetically by states of the Union and countries of the world (the wonder was that
I
lived in St. Louis)—an old baseball glove, my leaf collection, two obscene comic books I had won in a poker game at a Boy Scout jamboree, my marble collection, and thirty-five pages of secret thoughts written out in longhand. All these had to be taken out to the garage and hidden among the tools until the frenzy of cleaning was over and I could smuggle them back upstairs.

After supper, as the season grew warmer, my mother and sister and I would sit on the screened porch in the rear of the house, marooned among the shadows and the new leaves and the odor of insect spray, the light from our lamps sticking to the trees like bits of yellow paper. Usually the radio was on, and my mother, a book on her lap, her face abstracted (she was usually bored; her life was moved mainly by the burning urge to rise once more along the thin edge of social distinction), would listen to the comedians and laugh. When the phone rang, she would get up and go into the house with long strides, and if the call was for my sister, my mother would call her to the phone in a voice mottled with triumph.

Sometimes in the evening my mother would wash my sister’s hair. My sister would sit in front of the basin in Mother’s bathroom, a towel around her shoulders, smiling. From my room across the hall I would hear my sister chattering about the men she knew—the ones she dated, the ones she wanted to date, the ones she wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. My mother would interrupt with accounts of her own cleverness, her sorties and successes when young, sometimes laughingly, but sometimes gloomily, because she regretted a lot of things. Then she and my sister would label my sister’s suitors: one or two had family, one had money, one—a poor boy—had a brilliant future, and there were a few docile, sweet ones who were simply fillers, who represented the additional number of dates that raised my sister to the rank of a very popular girl.

In these conversations, my mother would often bring up matters of propriety. Late dates were improper, flirting with boys other than one’s date, breaking dates. Then, too, she would try to instruct my sister in other matters, which had to do with keeping passion in its place and so preventing embarrassment for the boy and disaster for the girl. My sister would grow irritated. “I don’t know why you talk like that—I behave very well,” she would tell my mother. “Better than the other girls I know.” Her irritation would please my mother, who would smile and say that only good-looking girls could afford to be good, and then they would both laugh.

I used to wonder why my mother didn’t take my sister’s success for granted. My sister was lovely, she had plenty of dates, the phone rang incessantly. Where was the danger? Why did she always lecture my sister?

Once, my mother said my sister ought not to dance with too many boys or she would frighten off the more serious ones. My sister was getting dressed for the spring dance at the country club. Arrogant and slender, she glistened like a water nymph, among her froth of bottles and jars and filmy clothes. She became furious; she screamed that she
liked
to dance. I closed the door to my room, but I could still hear the two of them. “Don’t be so foolish,” my mother kept saying, over and over again. “Please don’t be foolish….” Then my sister, on the verge of tears, said she just wanted to have a good time. My sister’s date arrived, and I went downstairs to let him in, and by the time I came back upstairs, the two of them were laughing. My mother said she was just trying to be helpful; after all, my sister was impractical and her looks wouldn’t last forever. My sister, as she opened the door of her room, said, under her breath, “They’ll last a lot longer yet.”

I’ll never forget the wild rustling of her voluminous white skirt as she came down the hallway toward me. Her face was strangely still, as if seen by moonlight. Her hair was smooth and shining, her hands bent outward at the wrist, as if they were flowers. “How beautiful you look!” I cried. My sister smiled and then solemnly turned all the way around, and her huge skirt rose and fell like a splash of surf. She was so beautiful I could hardly bear it. I hugged her, and she laughed.

Later that night I asked my mother why she got so distraught. Wasn’t my sister popular enough? My mother was sitting in the kitchen, in an old, faded yellow housecoat, drinking a glass of warm milk. “You don’t know anything about it,” she said, with such sadness that I rose from the table and fled to my room.

“I know what I’m saying!” my mother would cry when she argued with my sister. “You must listen to me. People talk….You don’t know who you’ll meet on a date; it’s good to accept even if you don’t like the boy…. Girls have to be very careful. You’re thoughtless. Don’t you think in fifty years I’ve learned what makes the world go around? Now, listen to me. I know what I’m saying….” But my sister’s face was so radiant, her charm was so intense, she pushed her blond hair back from her face with a gesture so quick, so certain, so arrogant and filled with vanity, that no one, I thought, could doubt that whatever she did would be right.

I wanted to be arrogant, too. I didn’t want to wear glasses and be one of the humorless, heavy-handed boys my sister despised. I was on her side as much as she’d let me be. She was the elder, and she often grew impatient with me. I didn’t seem to understand all the things involved in being on her side.

Night after night I saw her come home from work tired—she had a secretarial job in a hospital and she hated it—and two hours later she would descend the stairs, to greet her date, her face alight with seriousness or with a large, bright smile, depending on her mood or on where her escort was taking her that evening. A concert or an art movie made her serious; one of the hotel supper clubs brought the smile to her face. She would trip down the stairs in her high heels, a light, flimsy coat thrown over one arm, one hand clutching a purse and gloves, her other hand on the banister. In the queer yellow light of the hall chandelier, her necklace or her earrings would shine dully, and sometimes, especially if she was all dressed up, in a black dress, say, with a low neck, because they were going out to a supper club, there would be an air, in spite of her gaiety, of the captive about her. It was part of her intense charm. In her voluminous white skirt, she went to the spring dance at the country club and brought back to my mother the news that she had captured the interest of Sonny Bruster, the oldest son of M. F. Bruster, a banker and a very rich man—more than interest, it turned out, because he started calling my sister up almost every day at work and taking her out almost every night. My mother was on the phone much of the afternoon explaining to her friends that my sister wasn’t engaged. It was criminal the way some people gossiped, she said. My sister had only gone out with the boy ten or twelve times. They were just getting to know each other. Then my mother began to
receive
calls; someone had heard from a friend of Mrs. Bruster’s that Mrs. Bruster had said her son was very serious about my sister, who was a very charming, very pretty girl, of good family…. My mother rubbed her hands with glee. She borrowed money from her brothers, and every week my sister had new clothes.

My sister would come home from work and run upstairs to change. Sonny would be due at seven, to take her out to dinner. My sister would kick her shoes off, struggle out of her dress, and dash around the upstairs in her slip.

“Mother, I can’t find my earrings.”

“Which earrings, dear?”

“The little pearls—the little tiny pearl ones that I got two Easters ago, to go with my black…”

My sister was delighted with herself. She loved being talked about, being envied.

“Mother, do you know what Ceil Johnson said to me today? She said that Beryl Feringhaus—you know, the real-estate people—was heartbroken because she thought Sonny Bruster was going to get engaged to her.” My sister giggled. Her long hair was tangled, and my mother yanked a comb through it.

“Maybe you ought to cut your hair,” my mother said, trying to hide her own excitement and to stay practical. During this period, my mother was living in the imminence of wealth. Whenever she stopped what she was doing and looked up, her face would be bright with visions.

That spring when I was sixteen, more than anything else in the world I wanted to be a success when I grew up. I did not know there was any other way of being lovable. My best friend was a boy named Preston, who already had a heavy beard. He was shy, and unfortunate in his dealings with other people, and he wanted to be a physicist. He had very little imagination, and he pitied anyone who did have it. “You and the word ‘beautiful’!” he would say disdainfully, holding his nose and imitating my voice. “Tell me—what does ‘beautiful’ mean?”

“It’s something you want,” I would say.

“You’re an aesthete,” Preston would say. “I’m a scientist. That’s the difference.”

He and I used to call each other almost every night and have long, profound talks on the telephone.

On a date, Preston would sit beside his girl and stolidly eye her. Occasionally, toward the end of the evening, he would begin to breathe heavily, and he would make a few labored, daring jokes. He might catch the girl’s hand and stare at her with inflamed and wistful eyes, or he might mutter incoherent compliments. Girls liked him, and escaped easily from his clumsy longing. They slipped their hands from his grasp and asked him to call them up again, but after a few dates with a girl Preston would say disgustedly, “All she does is talk. She’s frigid or something….” But the truth was, he was afraid of hurting them, of doing something wrong to them, and he never really courted them at all.

At school, Preston and I had afternoon study hall together. Study hall was in the library, which was filled with the breathing of a hundred and fifty students, and with the dim, half-fainting breezes of high spring, and with books: it was the crossroads of the world. Preston and I would sign out separately, and meet in the lavatory. There we would lean up against the stalls and talk. Preston was full of thoughts; he was tormented by all his ideas. “Do you know what relativity means?” he would ask me. “Do you realize how it affects every little detail of everyday life?” Or it might be Spinoza that moved him: “Eighteenth-century, but by God
there
was a rational man.” I would pace up and down, half listening, half daydreaming, wishing
my
name would appear on Preston’s list of people who had elements of greatness.