First Love (Love Nibbles Book 2) (9 page)

Mattie blinked as if a math problem finally made sense. “
That’s
why you went walking alone all the time. Are you going to marry him?”

“Good heavens, no, Mattie. That’s impossible. You know that.”

“But you’re in love, right? I mean, you let him kiss you so you must be.”

Rachael would have smiled at her sister’s simple equation if the words didn’t hurt so much. “I don’t know.”

Mattie frowned again. “But if you marry him you wouldn’t live here anymore. You wouldn’t even be able to come visit could you? I’d miss you.”

Rachael fought back tears. She imagined never being around her sister or brother, her parents or any of her relatives ever again. It would be an impossible price to pay. She should simply bow to Lapp’s request, make her confession and wipe her slate clean.

And perhaps it was time she was baptized. As Ruth had said, a person reached a point where they needed to grow up and put away childish daydreams.

*

“Mr. Yoder, I’ve come to apologize for sneaking around and seeing your daughter behind your back.”

Rachael stood near the open window, tapping her hand nervously against her leg as she listened to Joe talking to her father out in the yard. Over a week had passed since the night of Mattie’s accident. She’d forgotten how the mere sound of Joe’s voice affected her. She could barely breathe and her feet wanted to fly out the door to him.

“I hear your apology. You are forgiven. Now there is no more to be said so please go.”

“Excuse me, sir, I wasn’t finished. I’m not sorry for
seeing
Rachael. I’m sorry for hiding it.” Joe said firmly. “I’m here to ask you now if I can continue courting her.”

Rachael’s soul ached at the sincerity in his voice. Joe didn’t know that her heart had changed. Time apart and relentless pressure from her family had re-shaped it.

“No, you may not,” Datt answered flatly.

Joe pushed on. “I know someone from outside your religion is unacceptable, but I love your daughter and I don’t think religion should come between people who love each other.”

“My answer is no, and Rachael’s is too. She will make her confession on Sunday and asked forgiveness for breaking our church law. She wishes to put all of this behind her and she will not see you again.”

There was a long pause before Joe said, “I don’t believe you. You’re keeping her from me.”

“Ask her.” Her father opened the door, stepped inside and beckoned her. “Come Rachael.”

She was choking. He couldn’t expect her to actually face Joe and tell him to leave. “Datt, I can’t…”

“Come!”

Slowly she followed him out to the porch. Joe stood in the yard, the sun shining on his hair and reflecting from his eyes making them a more brilliant green than ever. He gazed at her with a look that nearly broke her heart, intense longing and sorrow and fear all mingled together.

“Rachael?” His questioning voice asked everything.

“I’m sorry. I told you it couldn’t last. Our lives are too different. We can’t be together.” She dropped her gaze from his as the words spilled out. She stared at his feet instead, at the hole in the toe of one of his work boots. “I should never have allowed things to go so far.”

“Rachael, no. Don’t let them get to you. What about everything we talked about, all our dreams for the future? We don’t have to stay here and live like this.”

She shook her head. “It’s time to grow up and face reality.” She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. “I’m truly sorry if I hurt you.”

Before he could start weaving his seductive words around her, she turned and hurried back inside, closed the door and leaned against it. She wrapped her arms around her trembling body which felt as if it would never be warm again.

She listened to Joe’s footsteps walking away and each muffled step was like a hammer blow to her heart.

*

After service the next Sunday, the children left the room and Rachael faced the adult members of the congregation. Deacon Braden had agreed to a sitting confession, which was at least less humiliating than one that required her to make her apologies on her knees. Still it was daunting to face the silent congregation and reveal her transgressions. These people she’d known all her life would soon see a different side of her. They would know she was not who they’d always expected her to be. Probably many of them had already heard. Despite church teachings against gossip, rumors and news spread like wildfire in their community.

Braden spoke first. “Will you tell the members what happened?”

“I had a friendship with my neighbor, a young man outside our faith. I ended it and now I’m asking forgiveness. I want to put all of that behind me and to be baptized in full fellowship.”

Silence followed her words. She glanced around, focusing on inconsequential details like Mrs. Lapp’s shiny eyeglasses and Mr. Zook’s arthritic hands. Then her gaze met Ruth’s shocked face and she looked quickly away. The people seemed to want more from her so she added. “Also, I went to the drive-in movie and danced to music on the radio.”

“What was the nature of your ‘friendship’ with this young man? Was it physical?” Preacher Lapp cut through any politeness to go right to the meat of her sordid affair. He wanted to air
all
her dirty laundry.

“At first we just talked. Later we kissed.”

“And...” he pressed.

Her heart pounded. She glanced up at the assembled congregation in their straight-backed chairs in neat rows. Their eyes seemed to grow and grow until they were only eyes and more eyes staring at her. She quickly looked back at the floor.

“What else did you do?”

Her jaw tightened. She wanted to shout, ‘None of your business!’ She cleared her throat. “At one point during our friendship, we had relations.” Her face burned with hellfire.

Deacon Braden’s cool voice rescued her. “And now you wish to ask forgiveness. Let us all pray for Rachael, who has so bravely revealed her sins and commended herself to our Lord.”

Before Lapp could ask more embarrassing questions, Braden repeated. “Let us pray.”

The people bowed their heads and prayed for Rachael’s soul.

*

She moved through the following week in a dream. Every detail of her life was normal. Every day flowed as it always had. But she was a sleepwalker who watched herself as if from a distance.

Rachael did her chores and talked about mundane things with her mother and played games with her recovering sister. And the other Rachael watched her do these things.

She kept busy and corralled her mind, not permitting it to stray toward Joe. She focused on her future, which would be exactly like her present.

One evening, Daniel, the only person who’d remained quiet during all the accusations and recriminations, asked her to take a walk with him. She looked up from her mending, startled. She and Daniel had stopped spending time together long ago. He was always working or off somewhere with Lida. Although he lived at home, it was as if he’d already moved on.

They crunched across the shorn hay field together.

Daniel lit his pipe, puffing hard to get it going. The sweet smell of tobacco wafted to her. He sucked on the pipe and looked off across the field. “You and Joe, eh?”

Rachael sighed. “Please don’t lecture. It’s over now. Finished. I just want to forget—”

“I’m not lecturing.”

She fell silent and so did he. They walked quietly together. A redwing blackbird trilled its melody as it winged past. The air was a shimmering, strange, yellow-green. Dark clouds gathered on the horizon. A rainstorm was finally rolling in after almost a month of heat and sun

Daniel stopped to gaze across the fields. “I don’t know, Rachael. I love Lida. Of course I do. But sometimes I feel like I’m only going through with this marriage because it’s too late to stop it. We’ve been together since we were sixteen. There has never been anyone else. And sometimes I have these feelings that I want—” He broke off, his hand pressed against his chest as if holding back emotions that wanted to spill out.

He turned to her. “Do you think you’re the only one who wonders if there isn’t something else, something different than this life we lead?”

Rachael was shocked. She’d never heard Daniel express any doubts about his life or his future with Lida.

Anguish twisted his face into a mask she hardly recognized. “I have desires too, for things I couldn’t even begin to explain to you. Desires a man should never have. If you think you’ve found someone who can bring you true happiness, maybe you should think harder before you give him up.”

Rachael’s mouth opened but no words came. She could hardly fathom what he was trying to tell her. What sorts of desires? What did Daniel want that he didn’t have? If she lived a million years, she never would have expected to get such advice from him.

“Come on. This storm’s about to break. Let’s get back before we get soaked.” Daniel took her arm and they walked together back to their home.

Chapter Twelve

The worst of the storm had passed and the clouds settled into a steady rain. Rachael sat in her hot room near the partially open window trying to catch a breeze as she brushed out her hair and braided it for bed. Mattie was already asleep, her leg in the cast resting on a pile of pillows.

“Rachael!”

Her name drifted up from outside. She dimmed the keroscene light almost all the way so that she could see out into the darkness.

Joe stood in the muddy yard in the steady drizzle staring up at her window. “Rachael! Please, I need to talk to you.” His voice sounded different and he swayed a little on his feet as if he might be drunk.

Her heart pounded. She knew he could see her in the window, but she didn’t answer him.

He ran his hands through his soaked hair. His clothes clung to his body and water dripped off his face. “I don’t believe what we had meant nothing to you. I don’t! Just open the window and talk to me or else come down.”

She clenched her jaw so tight it hurt and waited for her father to crash through the front door, yell at Joe and send him away.

He continued to gaze up at her for several moments, until it was clear she wasn’t going to answer. “All right then. Just listen. I’m leaving. I can’t stay around here anymore, living so close to you and not having you.” His voice broke.

Tears slipped down Rachael’s cheeks. She clenched her hands together to keep from throwing the window wide.

His chin dipped down and he rubbed a hand over his eyes before looking back up. “I can’t stay on the farm any more no matter how much my family needs me. Dad will have to get a hired hand next spring. Anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon. I just wanted tell you. Please, Rachael, come with me. I love you.”

She pulled the curtains closed over the rain-streaked glass, but peaked through the gap between them. Quiet thunder rumbled in the distance. Joe continued to stare at her window for several long moments before he spoke again.

“If you change your mind, I’ll be going late in the afternoon. I love you,” he repeated then trudged away with his head bowed.

Rachael grabbed the pillow off her bed and buried her face in it, stifling her sobs so she wouldn’t wake Mattie. Her heart had been ripped in two and she hated herself for hurting Joe so badly. She should never have gotten involved with him, never started this thing, then she wouldn’t know what she was missing.

How could she have imagined that one innocent conversation with her neighbor would lead to this heartache? She longed to run down the stairs and across the muddy ground after him. Instead she sat clutching the pillow to her chest and staring into the dark for hours.

*

Rachael stood on the sidewalk looking up at the theater marquee.
Back by Popular Demand: Rebel Without a Cause
. She checked the time. The matinee was about to start. She glanced down the sidewalk. Her father would be at the granary for a while. She was surprised he allowed her out of his sight, but her manner had been so penitent since her confession that he probably thought she’d sown her last wild oats.

Rachael looked at the courthouse clock. If she watched this movie it would keep her mind occupied until it was too late for her to go running after Joe. Her father would be upset that she’d been to a picture show, but she was beyond caring about that.

She gazed at the poster with the sad-eyed young man then walked to the ticket seller in his booth. “One, please.”

He glanced up from his magazine and his eyes widened. “You people are allowed to go to the movies now?”

Rachael didn’t answer.

He ripped off a ticket and slid it under the window. “That’ll be fifty cents.”

She counted the change from her carefully saved egg money.

“I don’t know what it is with kids and this movie. They can’t get enough of it. The manager brought it back for the popcorn sales alone.” He took her coins. “Enjoy the show.”

She walked into the theater and took a seat, surprised at how easy it was.

At first she was so caught up in the color and movement and larger than life images on screen she could hardly concentrate on the story. But as she began to really follow it, she realized with surprise that she agreed with that nasty boy Harley. The main character, Jim Stark, whined and moped, but didn’t actually
do
anything to try to change his life. He drank and smoked and drove too fast and destroyed things around him. She could understand his frustration, but his actions were all so pointless.