Fix You (13 page)

Fifteen

January 20
^th
2007

T
he porch had been decorated with balloons
and streamers, like a lurid, slightly off-kilter rainbow. Ruby’s name was
arched over the door in glittery pink letters. Hanna stood at the bottom of the
steps, her nerves getting the better of her, clutching a purple, patterned gift
bag. A low throb of music was escaping the house, and flashing disco lights
shone through the window, indicating the festivities were in full swing.

She wasn’t sure if she could do this.

Tom had promised he’d be there all night and wouldn’t leave
her side for a moment. He had already arrived, having agreed to play a song for
Ruby, and needing to set up his equipment. Hanna knew she would only be alone
in there for a matter of minutes before she was under his protection.

But minutes were all it would take. She hadn’t seen Claire
or Steven since she arrived back in London last November. She was so afraid of
what they might say.

“Are you coming in or what?” Ruby impatiently pulled open
the front door. “You’ve been standing there for hours.”

Hanna smiled, and ran lightly up the stairs. “Happy
birthday, darling.” Throwing her arms around Ruby, she squeezed her tightly.

“I’m so glad you could come. I was worried you wouldn’t.”

“And miss Tom’s performance? I can’t wait to watch you fan
girl all over him.” Hanna watched as Ruby’s cheeks flushed.

“I don’t fan girl, I just think he’s a really good singer.”

“You keep telling yourself that.” Hanna winked and handed
Ruby her present. “Don’t show this to Claire or Steven. I wanted to get you
something pretty to wear in bed.”

“Is it sexy?”

“No!” It was Hanna’s turn to blush. “But it is pretty and
sophisticated, as befits a young lady. I’m not sure your parents would
understand.”

As she stepped inside the hallway, a feeling of familiarity
washed over her, like walking into a half-remembered dream. Everything still
looked the same.

“Tom told me to bring you straight to him. He’s set up in
the den.” Ruby grabbed hold of Hanna’s hand and pulled her over to the stairs
leading down to the basement. “He’s going to start his set in about half an
hour.”

“Has he told you what he’s going to play yet?” Hanna asked,
wondering if she would be able to blog about it later.

“No, he wants it to be a surprise.”

They reached the bottom of the stairs, and Hanna could hear
Tom plucking at the strings of his Les Paul guitar. As soon as they walked into
the room, Tom looked up through his thick golden lashes and gave her a big grin.

“Hey you.”

“Hi.” She felt like a child who had just found her comfort
blanket. Suddenly she could breathe again.

“Have you told her?” He had turned to Ruby, a slight frown
marring his brow.

“Not yet, I thought we’d better do it down here.”

“Told me what?” Hanna asked, a feeling of apprehension
washing over her.

“Mum and Dad want to see you.” Ruby blurted, her eyes
darting over to Tom as she realized she had let the cat out of the bag.

“Right now?” Somehow she thought she’d have time before
seeing them. She was so unprepared for their reactions to her reappearance in
Ruby’s life.

Tom rose from his chair and carefully placed his guitar in
the stand. Walking over to the two of them, he put his arms around both girls.

“It’s going to be okay. You had to see them again sometime.”

“But I’m not ready. I don’t know what to say.” Somehow “sorry”
didn’t seem to cover it.

“It’s the perfect place to see them again. It’s a party, and
you can’t even hear yourself think.”

Hanna stepped backwards and sank down into the overstuffed
plaid sofa, her heart racing at the thought of having to explain to Claire why
she disappeared from all their lives. From her therapy, she knew it was a
necessary step to rebuild her relationships and reopen the dialogue. Now she
was baulking, wanting to delay the inevitable. She wasn’t sure she could stand
the rejection, or the look of derision she was bound to see in their eyes.

“Do they know I’m here yet?” It had been months since her
last panic attack, but she recognized the signals immediately. She needed to
get control of her breathing and work on getting the negative thoughts out of
her mind. God, why wasn’t she taking the medication anymore?

“I told them you’d be here pretty soon. They’ve already seen
Tom—“

“They’re delighted you’re coming, you have nothing to worry
about,” Tom added.

“You weren’t the one who left their son.” Hanna pointed out.
“Of course they’ll be pleased to see you.”

“We all know you weren’t well, Hanna.” Ruby stroked her
hair. When did their roles get so switched? “You weren’t yourself, but you’re
better now. Richard doesn’t hold a grudge, and neither do my parents.”

Closing her eyes, she reminded herself nothing was going to
hurt her; she was going to be okay. She repeated the mantra her therapist had
taught her:
my heart is still beating, I am still breathing, I can do this.
She
inhaled through her nose, then exhaled through her mouth, gradually slowing her
intake of air until her heart rate had calmed into a slow, rhythmic pattern.

 “I’m okay.” She attempted a reassuring smile. “I haven’t
had one of those for a while.”

Ruby looked frightened, worrying her lip with her teeth as
she continued to stare at her with wide eyes. “I’ll just tell them to stay
away, Hanna. You don’t have to see them.”

Hanna turned in her chair to look at Ruby face on. “I’ll be
fine.” Her voice was stronger, and she hoped, reassuring. “I need to see them
sometime. After all, we’re almost family.”

She had barely spoken before Ruby threw her arms around
Hanna, nuzzling into her neck. “I’m so pleased you’re back for good. I missed
you so much.”

“I missed you, too.” Hanna found her eyes watering as she
hugged her back. “I really did.”

CLAIRE WAS STANDING in the kitchen
when Hanna finally found the courage to go and find her. It was like the clock
had turned back seven years, and Hanna was seventeen again; unsure of herself
and her place in life, feeling inferior compared to the rich Larsen family and
their social confidence.

The absence of Richard was like a knife to the gut.
Everywhere she looked there were reminders of what she’d had, and what she’d
lost. A love so foolishly discarded. More than ever, she wanted to turn the
clock back, to be that girl again, the one who joked with the Larsens, and
helped her mum out at parties

“Hi.”

Claire turned around, her blank expression transforming into
a bright smile as she put her hand on her heart. “Oh, Hanna, I can’t believe
you’re here.” Dropping the napkin she held in her hand, she ran around the
counter and over to the door, pulling Hanna into an all-encompassing embrace.

Hanna froze at first, surprised at the enthusiasm of Claire’s
welcome. A moment later, she hugged her back, burying her head in Claire’s shoulders
as she felt the first hot tears emerge from her eyes. She couldn’t remember the
last time she’d been held, not like this, and it reminded her so starkly of
what she’d lost. Not just Diana—although her mother’s death had been
devastating enough—but Richard, too.

A moment passed before she lifted her head from Claire’s
shoulder, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she did. Claire moved her hands
to Hanna’s bare upper arms and stepped backward, looking at her with a sad
smile tugging at her lips.

“I’ve missed you so much. Don’t you ever run off again.”

Her reprimand made Hanna smile through the tears. Claire
pulled her into the kitchen, pushing the door behind them to give them privacy,
and some protection from the loud bass pumping out from the music system.

“I’m so sorry, Claire.” Hanna swallowed hard in an attempt
to prevent herself from breaking down. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Or
maybe I wasn’t thinking.”

“You were in mourning for your mother, it wasn’t your fault.
I know you needed space, but I prayed every day you’d come home to us.”

“Like a prodigal daughter?” Hanna tried to joke, though the
sobs were a giveaway.

“Like a much loved family member, Hanna, and you are loved
so very much. I hope you know that.”

“I was so frightened you’d hate me for running away.”

“I could never hate you.” Claire was crying now, too. Inky, grey
tears streaked her cheeks, winding down her face. They were both going to need
a touch-up before they could be seen in public again. “I couldn’t blame you
anyway, you were so sad and depressed, and reaching out for something you
couldn’t find. I hoped you’d manage to discover a level of peace in Australia.”

Hanna closed her eyes and thought of her time in Sydney. At
first she had been lost; realizing the misery she was running away from had
followed her across the world. It had been a stark wake-up call, and one which
hit her hard. But, bit by bit, she managed to climb her way out of the pit of
despair. It hadn’t been easy or quick, and she had fallen more times than she
cared to remember, but eventually she made it out into the bright light of day.

“I’m working on the finding peace part,” she admitted wryly,
“although it’s easier said than done.”

“Why don’t you tell me about this new job you’ve got? Ruby says
it’s something to do with blogging, whatever a blog is?”

For the first time a genuine grin crossed Hanna’s face,
lighting up her eyes as she began to speak. “An old colleague has set up a
website for music reviews, although she wants to expand it to include other stuff,
too. I’m the music editor, which is fantastic, and although, at the moment it’s
just me, I’m recruiting some freelancers to help out.”

Claire stood watching her, a smile pulling up at the corner
of her lips. “You look so animated when you talk about work, it’s beautiful to
see.”

“It was the only thing keeping me sane,” Hanna admitted. “When
everything else was going to hell, it was something I could rely on.”

“You could have relied on us, too.” Claire’s voice was low. “I
want you to remember that, if you ever feel so low again.”

The nerves returned as Hanna realized just how much her
rejection must have hurt. If Claire was feeling this bad, then what the hell
had she done to Richard?

“I will.” Her legs were shaking, and she leaned on the
kitchen counter to stop herself from falling. “Thank you for being so kind—”

She was interrupted by the sudden opening of the door and
the swell of music it created. They both turned their heads to see Steven
standing there, dressed in a pair of grey trousers and a blue sweater, his
blond hair falling over his forehead.

“There you are. I think Ruby is ready for us to join them in
the den.” Steven smiled at Claire before realizing there was someone else
there. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interru—”

He stopped talking the moment his eyes fell on Hanna. His
mouth dropped open.

“Oh, Steven, Hanna came to the party, just like she promised
Ruby she would.”

Hanna looked at Steven and saw a man torn by his emotions.
It was like part of him wanted to celebrate her return, and the other part was
angry she left in the first place. She wasn’t sure which side would win.

“Hello, Steven.”

“Hanna.” His response was terse.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Claire gesturing
at him, although she couldn’t make out what she was trying to signal. Steven
raised his eyebrows and gave a slight nod. “How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks.” She sounded so stilted and false, no
wonder he was staring at her.

“You had us all worried for a while, especially Richard.”

“Steven!” Claire’s voice was a warning.

“It’s okay, Claire, I know he’s right. How
is
Richard
doing?”

Steven walked forward and stopped in front of Hanna, his
height making her feel dwarfed in comparison. He reminded her so much of
Richard, from the way he stood, to the way he talked, and it both hurt and
comforted her.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Hanna. He took it very hard.”
His words were controlled, like he was acting as a check on himself. “For a
while he was as depressed as you were, but he’s doing much better now. He seems
to have moved on with his life, and accepted you’re not coming back.”

His words clattered around her mind like a can being kicked
down an alleyway. It was too late. In her effort to save herself, she had
killed their relationship and any respect he must have for her. Feeling a fresh
sting of tears against her eyelids, she squeezed them shut again, reminding
herself this was supposed to be a happy occasion; it was her best friend’s
birthday, and she was going to do her damnedest to celebrate.