Fledgling (17 page)

Ana and Melissa stared at each other. Melissa was the one who spoke up, “At what point
would
you recommend a transplant?” She stumbled over the word transplant, as it got stuck in her mouth.

“Well…if Ana begins to have trouble with lung congestion and liver enlargement, or if the heart begins destabilizing and we are worried about failure…but we don’t want it to get to that point. We need to be aggressive, that’s why I want to take a look inside soon. Do you have any questions about the cath?”

Ana shook her head. She had been through countless heart catheterizations. The process was usually just a day procedure. They would go in through the artery in her neck or thigh to feed the tiny camera into her heart, observing the heart’s function. She would only need to stay for a couple of hours afterwards to make sure the entry points wouldn’t re-open and cause bleeding.

Dr. Tilgan shook hands with Melissa and faced Ana. “Well, it was nice meeting the two of you. And Ana, keep up on your medicine and avoid
any
activity that raises your blood pressure. Otherwise we’ll see you back here in the next couple of weeks. I’ll let the scheduler know up front.”

There it was-what Ana had been waiting for.

“This sucks,” Ana said. Numbness spread through her body. Time suspended in the room, as she watched cars driving through the stormy weather, people running out of the rain to the dry safety of their cars or offices.

“I know, Baby.” Her mom reached out, holding her hand. Melissa took a deep breath and continued, “You can do this. You’re the strongest person I know. I knew it the moment the doctor handed you to me, all swaddled in your baby blanket. I saw your tenacity and courage. You’ve had to go through surgeries and you even started taking medicine before you could eat solid food.

“I’ll be there for you and so will Eva. I’ll do whatever I need to for you. Let’s just wait and see what the cath results are. Let’s not jump to conclusions yet.”

“Right…thanks, Mom.” Ana pushed the frantic emotions away, and welcomed the calm that her mother had inspired. She knew she could do this. The thought of tubes sticking out of her chest again and the staples down her sternum like she was a Frankenstein freak made her cringe. She had been on the bypass machine before, she could do it again. If she had to. What other choice was there? Her fighting spirit rose. Maybe she wouldn’t need a transplant after all.
Maybe this doctor will be different… maybe she’ll fix me
, she thought halfheartedly.

Then again, maybe not.

They stood up and left the room, escaping the sterile environment only to enter the rain that was pelting the parking lot. Ana preferred the rain to the white walled numbness. At least she could feel her skin out in the rain. It was wet and cold.

Chapter 23.

Chance arrived at school late.

He didn’t really want to be there, but figured it would help keep his mind engaged until the afternoon.

He gave up trying to stay focused on his studies, and lumbered through each period. The teachers and other students sensed his mood, staying clear of him. As he walked through the hallways, his classmates scurried to give him a wide berth. The callous scowl frozen on his face drove everyone away.

When the final bell rang, he trudged to his truck and got in. He sat, glaring at the trees until most of the parking lot emptied. The roar of the engine tore into his ears, filling his head with a resounding thunder. The thoughts tormenting him throughout the day fell silent.
Ahh
.

Work was slow at Kenny’s shop. For once. Chance had already stocked the auto parts earlier that week when the shipment came in and Kenny was busy working on the only car there.

“Why don’t you take off? I don’t have much for you today. Go see that girlfriend of yours,” Kenny called from under the hood of a sedan.

“Right.”

Of all days.

Patience wasn’t one of his strong suits. He needed to keep his mind distracted. In a snap decision he jumped into his glossy black truck and rumbled down the road.

He wanted to be close by whenever Ana called, unable to wait longer than he had to. Her street was just up ahead.

Dust billowed behind him as he tore down the road and rumbled past her driveway. The dark sedan was gone, and the house was lifeless.

He continued down the gravel drive a bit then pulled over and got out. The obscured sky reflected what he was feeling inside; the only thing missing was thunder.

Chance walked through a field of tall grasses and approached a grove of firs as the branches called to him.

Melissa dropped Ana off at home before going to pick Eva up at her sister’s house. Rain had continued until they got to the western edge of the lake and cleared once they reached Clark Bend. Clouds remained in the sky in a threatening posture.

Ana walked into the house and went up to her room, turned on the light and slumped over on her bed. She stared at the time. It was after four thirty already.

It was time.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Chance. After the first ring he picked up. His voice was raspy and relieved.

“Finally. I missed you today. It’s good hearing your voice.”

“I missed you, too.” Ana’s voice sounded strangled. Afraid to commit to speech, she was at a loss for words.

“Is it time? Can I come over?”

“Yes.”
Let’s get it over with,
Ana thought, picking at her finger nails.

“Be there in a minute.”

The line went dead and she stood, pulling a sweatshirt over her head, leaving the hood up. Her bleak silhouette slunk downstairs and lingered near the front door, in wait. Trapped by her worst fears.

Ana heard tires on the driveway and then a soft tap swiftly followed. Her hand paused on the door before letting him in.

When his face appeared, relief and sadness flushed through her. They stood, reading each other’s mood.

Then Ana sank into him, needing to feel his warmth against her. His spicy scent made her eyes snap shut, while she drank in each breath.

She reluctantly pulled away to look at him. “I thought we could go out to the rock to talk. Do you mind?” she said, frightened of what lay ahead of her. She was petrified of loosing him, he had become necessary in her life and it caused physical pain thinking about being without him. Even if it was cold and dreary outside, she felt safer at her gazing stone. The minerals that formed the rock had been in existence for millions of years, which lent her inner strength.

“Sure.” He slunk in and grabbed her hand, anchoring himself to her. The tight grip he held her with was desperate, protective.

The dank forest blocked the clouds overhead, leaving the wilderness a murky gray. It didn’t seem to improve when they emerged out the other side in Ana’s sanctuary.

Side by side, they faced the inky green vista. Chance waited lifelessly as a statue for Ana to start, curious and afraid.

Like throwing herself from a ledge, she started without thinking, “I’ve been keeping something from you. It wasn’t done to be hurtful. I just wanted to know what it felt like to be…
normal
for once.”

She concentrated on her lap a moment more before continuing, “I know you’ve noticed how tired I get. There’s a reason.” She exhaled sharply, “I was born with heart defects and a disease that hardens my heart. The condition is getting worse. My heart’s enlarging and hardening.” She forced her eyes to the trees, and scratched her temple. “One of the reasons we moved here was because it’s a lower altitude than Denver. It makes it easier for my heart to function. With my Aunt Tera here, it’s convenient if we need help.”

Chance brushed his thumb on Ana’s hand. She studied their entwined fingers and continued on, unable to lift her gaze. “I was at my doctor’s appointment today…in Spokane. My doctor’s scheduled me for a heart cath. She wants to take a closer look at my heart function, to see why I keep getting worse. Soon I may be…”
You’re almost there, Ana-just say it
, “I may have to be put on the transplant list. But the good news is I’m not there…yet.”

There. She said it. Instantaneously her chest felt light and free before the despair began setting in. She didn’t want to wait for his almost certain awkward reaction.
How else do you respond to something like that?
She couldn’t bear to watch him squirm and continued before he could react, “So…I know it was terrible of me not to tell you. And I understand if this is too much to take. It’s okay…it was too much for my dad also. I don’t blame you for not wanting to get involved in…all of this. It isn’t your battle. I’m sorry I dragged you into my crazy life. I hope you can forgive me.” She stared at her hands.

Chance sat in stunned silence.

How could she ever think I would leave her?
If this was how it had to be, so be it. He adored her. If he could only have her for a short time, then he would take what he could get.

This explained her doleful behavior over the last week. He felt her grasping at their time together as though it were limited. Then he realized that their time
could
be limited. He just hadn’t realized how sick she really was. Everything began falling into place. The scar on her chest and her constant exhaustion, her anxiety about hiking all flooded his memories. A tidal wave of compassion almost drowned him.

Ana sat fidgeting with her hands as Chance remained silent, wondering what he was going to say. Finally breaking the quiet, he turned, falling under the spell of her green eyes. Absorbing her face into the palms of his hands, he said in gentle exasperation, “Ana! Where’d you get the idea I was going anywhere? I could never leave you. Anyways, your life isn’t any crazier than mine. Sorry to disappoint you.”

Ana’s mind spun in confusion. This wasn’t how she had imagined this going. Her unconventional heart thumped away with cautious happiness in an off syncopated beat.

“Whaat?” she stuttered, confused.

Chance laughed in frustration.

“I can’t believe you thought I’d leave after you told me.”

Ana started crying. With her head buried in her hands she was able to muffle out, “It’s what happens though.”

Chance gently removed her hands from her face to meet his gaze.

“You mean your dad?”

Her teary eyes met his. “Yeah. It was too much for him-I
know it
. Chance, you don’t know how it’s been tearing me up inside keeping this from you.”

“I
do
know.” Chance’s expression grew dark.

Ana snuggled into his side while he wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes in concentration.

“So-have the doctor’s done everything they can? Is there any medicine or treatment that could help you?” Fear gripped him. Never thinking this might be how things would work out, he felt powerless, which he wasn’t used to.

“They’ve tried different medications,” she mumbled. “I had a valve replacement surgery a couple of years ago. Anyways, I’ve been a dutiful guinea pig for the doctors.” She shrugged. “This is where we’ve wound up.”

“When is this thing? What’s it called?”

“Two weeks from today. A heart catheterization. They’ll feed a long wire with a camera up into my heart-to watch the heart work. I’ll only be there for the day but I’ll be sedated while they do it. I’ve had it done lots of times.”

Chance sat in silence thinking about what she was telling him. How could he help her? What he really wanted to do was go home and talk to his mother and grandfather. He needed to understand things better.

He sympathized with the reason she hadn’t told him, bringing him closer to her. He understood her reasoning.

The need to feel normal.

It all became clear: why he felt so protective of her. Why his instincts had warned him. He knew she was in danger, and now he knew from what.

Ana’s true depth of character struck him. He admired her strength, realizing just how strong she was. They were so similar, and it frustrated him that he couldn’t share it with her.

“So, tell me the rules. What are you allowed to do?” Chance wanted to make sure he never pushed her too far. He didn’t want to hurt her. If the walks were too much, he would sit on the couch and play board games with her. As long as they were together, he would be satisfied.

“Well, I’m supposed to avoid exertion. If my heart becomes too agitated it
could
stop,” she said looking away. “I self regulate though. I don’t do anything that tires me out. I think I can still go on walks with you as long as I go slowly, and it isn’t too elevated.” Ana watched his face as though she were searching for something.

Chance thought about the times she almost fainted, and when they kissed on the island. He had sensed her heart racing and wondered if he had inadvertently hurt her.

“What if your heart races
too
much? When we were at the lake…” He didn’t know how to ask, starting to feel self conscious. Ana was confused, unsure of what he was getting at. Chance reached out to hold her cheek in the palm of his hand and leaned closer. Both of their hearts raced in anticipation. Chance stopped, searching her eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you. Let me know if this is too much.” He withdrew a little to see comprehension flit across Ana’s face, followed by a rosy blush. “Oh,” she whispered.