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Vessel Dignity, who held a healthy disdain for Perfection is always friendly to me when I drop off the daily supply. She and the Vessel’s she works alongside are clearly more generous now that I don’t have Perfection in tow. I try to talk to her about where she comes from, but there never seems to be time to really talk. A Humbleman always lurks, inspecting the Vessels with watchful eyes.

Perfection ignores me, besides her daily cornering in the hallway, threatening me not to mention that I am doing her job. Of course I won’t utter a word, besides the reprieve it gives me, it’s also in close proximity to the green house in which Mom works. I can sneak in visits with her without raising suspicion.

When visiting Mom I usually find her in a maze of vegetables, weeding on her knees. She’s brief with me, asking if I’m ready for the Nobleman’s visit, she’s bought into this whole idea of me being a potential match for him. I keep looking into her eyes, but I can’t find the person who stood up to Dad, who fought for me to go outside in the Hazmat suit on the compound, who chose to keep me alive, looking back at me. She’s changed, resolved to lead a life here.

“Have you mentioned to the Council your gift?” she asks, focusing on me, on showing them my light. I cringe at the mere mention of the men I have no trust in.

The moment I voice my reluctance she retreats, not letting me in any closer. Ever since she Bound herself to Resolve she’s held something back and I wish I knew what. Duty always hovers a few feet from Mom, forcing our conversations into stilted whispers. I lean into Mom, urging her to reconsider the decision to stay here, but she always shakes her head sharply. Though the more time I spend trying to talk with her, I notice women nursing arms in homemade arm slings, and dark circles on their faces.

When I ask Mom about the novice stitches above Duty’s lip she drops her watering can on the concrete greenhouse floor. Water splashes across our feet as she covers my mouth with her hands, wiping the words from my lips.

When she moves her hand, thinking me properly hushed, I take a chance on being the brave girl I was with Integrity.

“Mom, I have a way to leave this place, and you need to come with me. Integrity told me I could go after the Nobleman comes. We can go together.”

Her eyes dart to Duty, and then across the rows of carrots towards the diligent hands pulling them from the dark soil. When Duty gives her a nearly imperceptible nod, Mom takes my arm and walks with me towards the shed holding garden supplies.

“Lucy, I’ve told you in as many ways as I know how, this has to stop. These dreams of leaving are a waste of time.”

“No, Mom, listen, Councilmen Integrity promised. I’ll get him to let you go too.”

“Don’t be stupid. You can’t trust the men here. Surely you aren’t as naïve as that?”

Still confused, I realize with a flush of embarrassment that maybe I am as stupid as she thinks.

When I don’t answer, she continues, “It’s not your fault, Lucy. Look, you’ve been taught to believe, that’s all the compound ever reiterated. But listen, if you want to survive here, you have to duck your head and toe the line.”

“Who are you?” I step away from her, the divide between us an impassable sea filled with currents and undertows so heavy I find myself drowning in them. “It’s one thing to not look for trouble, but you want me to turn a blind eye to everything. I’m not as dumb as you think; I know why Duty has stitches on her lip. The men here have pushed me against the wall, and I’ve seen them cart innocent girls away to the dark rooms. Why is that okay with you?”

“We don’t have the luxury of asking questions.”

Her sigh is long, and in the pause I see the truth. Standing in between buckets of potting soil and trays of drying seeds, in our cotton dresses and heavy braids far from home, I see how lost we’ve both become. There is no life raft between the breaks, no foamy waves ushering us to the shore.

Things were easier before. Our compound held fast to doctrine I accepted as truth. I didn’t question Dad or Forest. I answered with “yes, please” and I said “thank you” and I wore my convictions in the form of a Hazmat suit.

I don’t know how to be like Mom, not anymore. Before I left home I never considered a life where I didn’t believe what I was taught. But things have changed. Now I’m questioning everything, but instead of breaking free, I’m supposed to stay quiet.

She wants me to nod my head when all I want is to shake my fists.

****

In my room I stand in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection, realizing Mom isn’t the only one who’s transformed by being here. When I look in the mirror I still see the same Lucy with green eyes and auburn hair, far from the only home I’ve known. A Lucy who is private, who wants to understand my so-called-gift before I share it with anyone else.  But I also see a different Lucy beginning to emerge; a girl who wants to say what she thinks and take risks. I want to take my newfound convictions beyond the walls of my heart, beyond the walls of the Refuge.

I blink at my reflection, seeing the sensibility that’s been pounded in my skull since I was a child. In practical terms I know the tug of war inside sways too easily for me to take any sort of stand for what I believe. I need to understand more before I can choose to have faith in myself.

I tour the Refuge, with my two helpers, Timid and Hana, by my side every step of the way. They’re my silent partners as we explore each nook and cranny we are allowed. We sneak into the flower garden, and I weave tiny crowns of chamomile for their hair, we rub swatches of thyme against our wrists, smiling at our homemade perfume. We watch the boys in the woodworking shop whittling away, and the Humblemen in the metal garage, cutting sheets of steel in two, forging iron together. We watch Vessels in the sewing hall, zipping on machines and dying fabric from their looms. Hana and Timid always want to go in the kitchen, but the Vessel’s shoo us away whenever we get close enough to smell the next meal. When we run into Perfection in the hallways, she avoids me. She sees me as competition but what she doesn’t know is I’m no threat to her, not with my desire to leave this place.

The Refuge is industrious; there are no lazy hands or restless feet. Diligent and dutiful are the people of The Light and I could stand behind the ethic if it wasn’t so buried in power and control.

When the Vessels aren’t working, they sing. They rehearse every evening in the great room, practicing for the Nobleman’s return, wanting to show him they are the most graceful Refuge of Vessels. I’m required to stand alongside them during the practices, playing the part of a good Vessel, but I keep my voice quiet, not wanting to ruin the harmonies with my unflattering vocals. I doubt any group could be better than them; their voices sweep me away.

In the classes I sit in on, I learn that there are three Refuges in all. This one’s no different from the others; they’re all located on small islands throughout the sound. Mom was right about this sect, The Light survived the virus because they were Prepper’s too, they just happened to be smarter than our compound. They never lived underground in unnecessary hatches, instead they survived in their marble ensconced Refuges. They knew when it was okay to breathe the air again once the virus had dissolved from the air.

The days are long, and my anticipation for the Nobleman’s visit is fierce. I’m counting on Humbleman Integrity sticking to his word, even if the other Councilmen disagree, even if Mom thinks me a fool for holding out hope. This hope is all I’ve got, and I’ll cling tight as long as I can.

chapter twenty

T
he morning starts with lights brightening the room and an announcement delivered through the overhead speakers. We are reminded the day we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. The Nobleman’s visit. Timid and Hana are already up when I open my eyes, ready to help serve me as usual. I’ll miss these girls after I leave, but I won’t miss being the person who puts them to work.

“Humbleman Integrity wants to see you, Lucy, after you’ve gotten ready,” Timid says.

“Did he come see you?” I ask, not having spoken to anyone on the Council since the night a week ago when Depend pressed me against the wall. I’ve purposefully stayed out of their way, hoping a low profile would offer me a quick exit.

“Yes, while I was in the kitchen getting your meal.” She points to the table holding a plate of eggs and toast.

I dress quickly, wanting to know what he needs to see me about, anxious for the day to begin and end. I slip out of the room with the girls on my heels, and after using the bathroom, we make our way down the long hallway to the Council’s chambers. An unusual flurry of activity surrounds us, Vessels are everywhere, cleaning the floors, polishing walls, and hurrying in every direction.

No one answers when I rap on the door of the chambers. I knock again. “Humbleman Integrity? It’s Lucy, you called for me?”

The door opens and Humbleman Integrity surprises me by holding his finger to his lips, shushing me. “Come in, quickly now. I shouldn’t be showing you this, but you needed to see.”

I motion for Timid and Hana to stay outside and follow him through the door.

“You only have a minute. The other Councilmen will be here soon and they can’t see you. But I need to you to see this, I need you to know what the stakes are for you when you make your choice.” He rushes his words as he leads me across the room.

I gasp, Basil sits vacant in a chair, a shell of the girl I met such a short time ago.  Her black hair hangs over her blotched and blurry face. Dark almond shaped eyes rimmed in black, as black as the room I imagine she’s been in.

“Basil, what happened? Are you okay?” I fall to my knees grasping for the hands of the girl whose promises I broke.

“Don’t, Lucy.” She pushes me away. “Get up and be strong. Don’t feel bad, you didn’t know. You didn’t know what happened to me.” Her voice shakes as she speaks, and mine shakes as I listen, because
I did know
. I knew, yet I did nothing.

“You have to listen to them, Lucy. Do what they tell you, and promise to take care of Hana for me. And never….” she gulps for air as she tries to speak.

“Of course I’ll watch over Hana, but never what, Basil? Never what?” I tremble, scared for what has happened to her once tough exterior, and scared of what will happen next. She speaks with such finality.

She grabs her throat searching for her voice, and then speaks clearly as though these are the words that matter, “Never try to leave.” Once the last syllable is uttered, her eyes glaze over, as if she’s disappeared. All her energy went into her warning, and while her body sits here breathing, the girl I betrayed is gone. 

“Basil? Basil!” I shake her, screaming, but I am unable elicit a response.

Humbleman Integrity tries to lead me back to the door I came through, but I push him away, wanting more time with Basil, needing to understand her.

“What are you doing with her?” I beg, my fists hitting him in his chest. I can’t lose another person. Dad. Mom. Now Basil.

“She’s going somewhere safe, somewhere she can learn to be well again, and understand her place in our fold.”

“What did you do to her? You told me going into the dark room helps.”

“Usually it does, but Basil is uncooperative. We’re moving her to another Refuge, where they have more resources for her.” He says it like he wants to help her, but if he wanted to help why did he let this happen in the first place?

“I thought I could trust you. You knew this was happening and did nothing to stop it.”

“This situation is more complicated than that, Lucy. The world isn’t black and white, surely you know that better than most.” He looks at me like he expects me to say something, but I’m quiet, unable to speak. “I didn’t bring you here as a threat, I wanted you to see Basil, so you knew what we, I mean, what
you
are up against.”

I shake my head, looking back at Basil. If she’s been in a dark room this whole time I can only imagine how she feels, I was frightened being in the pitch-dark hatch back at the compound, and that was for a few minutes, not weeks.

“You need to go prepare for the Nobleman’s visit. He will be here soon,” Humbleman Integrity urges me.

“And Basil?” She sits dazed and confused with Hana outside the door, not getting a chance to say goodbye.

“You should be more concerned for yourself, Vessel.” He guides me towards the door.

I promised Basil I’d take care of her sister, and of course I must. I can’t let what happened to Basil happen to Hana, too. I knew where she was yet I did nothing to try to help. Convictions mean nothing if I’m not brave enough to act on them. I wanted my own security more than I wanted Basil, the only person I’ve ever considered a friend, to be safe. I hate my part in what’s happened, I’ll do anything to make my wrongs right.

“Basil will be leaving on the same boat the Nobleman arrives on.”

“Can’t we do something to change this?” I plead.

“Nothing now, Lucy. Some people are meant to live in the dark until they learn to accept the light.”

Basil’s hollow face reveals more about her past week than words ever could, I walk out of the room wiping my eyes, stuffing down my sobs, knowing the young girls won’t understand my tear-streaked face. What I’ve witnessed is too horrible for them to comprehend.

“Let’s go to the Haven, and wait there for the Nobleman’s Procession to start,” I tell them. Their eyes dart between one another, trying to figure out what’s going on, but I can’t talk now.

Once inside the Haven, I tell the girls to stay with me, I don’t want them to leave my sight. Guilt washes over me each time I look at Hana, knowing her trust in me is undeserved. Realizing, with a pang, that Mom was right, I’m not going anywhere. Leaving Hana and Timid here to fend for themselves is not an option

“We’ll get in trouble for not sitting with our Humbleman’s family,” Timid whispers to me.

“Not this time. I promise. It’ll be okay, they said I have special privileges today, that’s what the Councilmen wanted to see me about,” I say, lying about the reason for my chamber room visit.

That quiets the girls and they sit next to me, one on either side and I wrap my arms around their shoulders, pulling them close. I want to believe I’m protecting them, guarding them. In truth I know I hold them because if I let go, I’ll lose myself in a heap of shame.

The Vessels begin filling the Haven, and the ones with the best voices hug the walls. The rest find their seats with their families. Hana, Timid, and I are near the front, but our pew remains empty while the pews around us fill, fast.

Perfection strides in, regal as ever. Her white gown has been made with more accentuating cuts than mine. I look at my free-formed dress, knowing she must have had little mice working on hers, emphasizing her body’s flawless-ness. She must be so happy now, having waited so long for the Nobleman to make his way back to her. I didn’t care for the way she treated me when I first arrived, but now I only want good things for everyone. The idea of more suffering is unbearable.

She stops when she sees me, leaning down to murmur in my ear, “Such a shame, what happened to that friend of yours.” I ignore her, and look at Hana, worried she heard, but Hana’s busy watching the candles being lit.

“You don’t know anything.” I tell her. Because she doesn’t, she doesn’t know the things I do. I knew what I wanted, to get away from this place, and I was willing to use the ticket I had been offered as a free pass to clear my conscience of what was going on around me. I know how wrong that was, but now I can’t do anything to help her. Basil’s leaving, without Hana, and I did nothing to stop it.

Perfection walks away, sitting in the front pew, and I focus on the peace-giving-feeling the Haven always brings. I’ll do anything to get the image of a blank-faced-Basil from my mind.

The Council enters and stands in front of the altar table.

Basil should be lying here, she was the sacrifice. These men sacrificed her to teach me a lesson. Humbleman Integrity stands with his hands clasped and head bowed beside the other Councilmen. Looking at him I wonder why he brought me to see Basil. Was it a threat, or to warn me of the dangers ahead, did he hope it would help in some way?

I look at the other men on the Council … Humbleman Discernment, Perfection’s father, a man just playing a game so his prized offspring will win the heart of the prophet. And Humbleman Depend? Everything I know about him, that he likes to rein his mates in tight and never let them think or speak for themselves, disgusts me.

They offer me food and shelter if I promise to give them my mind, body, and spirit. I accepted their gifts; never realizing the cost would be so great. I want to stand and run out of here, but there is nowhere to go.

Just when my heart is consumed with anger to the point of bursting, the fury fades as quick as it came. The Vessels begin their song and the lights come on blindingly bright … brighter than the brightest sun imaginable.

The Nobleman. He walks down the center aisle of the Haven and he brings the light, he is the reason it burns so bright.

My body melts, slides down into the pew, deeper and deeper, as though the wooden bench and I are one. Oxygen escapes me, and for a moment I believe I never need to breathe again, this light is enough, all I need. His ability to shine goes against all rational thinking, but this power is real. I watch him wave as he greets the fold, and it would be impossible to refuse the luminosity he carries.

I keep my eyes wide open, and although I want to look around to see if everyone is as overcome as I am, I can’t. I can’t take my eyes off of him.

As he walks up the platform, commanding the attention of the entire sanctuary, I realize Perfection was right. Only not, because she said he was mesmerizing and intoxicating … but this? This is everything and nothing; I’m undone by simply looking at him.