Fobbit (19 page)

Was he hit by the truck and nobody noticed? Did he have a heart attack and fall to the ground, unnoticed by the gathering crowd of Local Nationals? Did he drop his car keys and crawl under the truck to look for them just when the grenade went off over his head? And how do we even know it was a
he
? Maybe it was a woman who was raped by the GIs after the accident and the GIs had then tried to burn the evidence. These were the dark alleys his imagination wandered, especially after sticky lingering situations like Abu Ghraib.

It was still too early to speculate on this one, though. Gooding punctuated the last sentence—“An investigation is ongoing and statements are being taken”—then printed the release for Lieutenant Colonel Harkleroad to review while eating his breakfast of a bran muffin and Diet Coke (with a side order of jelly donut).

A few minutes later, Major Filipovich arrived for work, trudging into the cubicle maze with carabiners, mini flashlights, compass, and earplugs case dangling off his flak vest like Christmas ornaments. “Morning, Gooding.”

Chance stood next to the printer, waiting for the press release to spit out into his hand. “Morning, sir.”

“How goes it today?”

Chance hesitated, knowing if he broke the news to Major Filipovich before Harkleroad could read the release, Filipovich would go all bat shit and try to take matters into his own hands. Chance decided to play it cool. “Oh, you know, sir. Another damn day.”

“Ain’t that right. Just another Monday on a shelf of Mondays.”

“Way I look at it, sir, every day is a Monday when you’re over here.”

“Groundhog Day.”

“Word up.”

The one-page release landed in Gooding’s hand and he quickly concealed it behind his back as he walked toward Harkleroad’s office. He needn’t have been so stealth, however: Flip Filipovich was already clicking through another hand of solitaire on his computer.

Harkleroad sat at his desk, head tilted back, a wad of tissue jammed up one nostril. There was a bloodstain the shape of Australia in the center of the PAO’s chest.

“Guh muhwig, Sergeant Goodwig.”

Gooding edged cautiously into the room. As always, he kept a close eye on the fit-to-burst buttons straining against the PAO’s belly. “You okay, sir?”

“Nose bleed,” he said, the hanging-down part of the tissue fluttering like a skirt from his breath. Harkleroad’s thin hair was sweat-plastered across his scalp, his meaty shoulders hunched around his neck. He pointed apologetically at his nose. “Came ober me all ub a sudden.”

“Cheer up, sir. Maybe you’ll get a Purple Heart for this.”

Harkleroad stared at Gooding until the NCO cleared his throat and waved the release in the air. “This just a needs a once-over, sir. As soon as I get your initials, I can press the
send
button.”

As Gooding waited for Harkleroad to copyedit the press release about that grenade-pitching Captain Shrinkle, he tried not to pinpoint the location of cities like Sydney and Melbourne on the PAO’s chest.

When he returned to his cubicle, Gooding was pinching the press release between two fingers as if it were wet and dripping.

“More red ink?” Filipovich asked.

“That and a little bit of Harkleroad’s hemorrhage.” Gooding held up the story.

Flip whistled. “Looks like
Friday the Thirteenth, Part Twenty
. Well,” he stood and yawned, “good luck with that.”

As Major Filipovich donned his battle rattle, Gooding asked, “Off to the gym, sir?”

“Yep. Gotta get in the daily workout.” They both knew this was code for “forty winks back at the hooch.”

“We’ll see you later, sir.”

“Yep, okay. Have fun scrubbing those words until they’re all shiny and pretty,” Filipovich said, pointing at the story about the grenade incident. “Meanwhile, do what I do: think dark thoughts about Harklefuck. It’s the only way I get through this shit.”

Staff Sergeant Gooding had his own miniature subversions (though they were less violent and more respectful of his military superiors).

Take his list of Forbidden Words, for instance. Halfway through this deployment, Gooding had started to keep a running tally of catchphrases that popped up in conversations around the palace, the evening BUBs, and from the talking heads on TV. He kept a yellow legal pad at his desk, jotting down the latest inane verbal turd that dropped out of the mouths around division headquarters—words like:

Iraqi Face
(as in “we have to put an Iraqi Face on this news story to take the emphasis off of U.S. involvement”)

Global Cosmopolitan Media

Information Dominance
(favored by Corps PAO)

Iraqidocious
(favored by Major Filipovich)

Pretzel logic
(practiced by Lieutenant Colonel Harkleroad)

Metric assload
(as in “I’ve got a metric assload of ammunition to deliver to the battalion tomorrow”)

Iraqinization

Baghdad Ladies
(as in “I know a dude over in Logistics who goes up to the chief’s office every day, begging like a Baghdad Lady”)

Pole-vaulting over mouse turds
(i.e., worrying about the inconsequential and insignificant)

Nexterday

The next candidate for his list would almost certainly have something to do with the latest “terrorist versus insurgent” brouhaha. He just needed a clever, pithy expression to write on his notepad.

Gooding pulled up his e-mail and read, from the bottom up, for the eleventh time in as many hours, the message trail that had come down from higher headquarters.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected], [email protected], frances [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

29 JUNE 2005 0849hrs

Subject: Informal Public Affairs Guidance Regarding Current Use of Terms

All:

This is a friendly reminder that we need to cease and desist our habitual use of the term “insurgent.” Remember, we now have a democratic country with an elected transitional government that we so wonderfully helped install. This is no longer a provincial puppet gov’t ruled by an evil puppeteer. The Iraqis are fast approaching something that resembles Philadelphia, circa 1776. Anyway, bottom lining it: Sunnis and other extremists are targeting and killing civilians along with Iraqi Security Forces. There is no discriminate use of force on the part of the attackers—it’s a free country and violence is a free-for-all, just like it is in any democracy.

Our intel reports indicate that at least a significant portion of the violence is imported from outside the borders of Iraq, so one can’t reliably call them rebels.

Thus, we here at STRATCOM consider your prolonged use of labels not only to be politically incorrect but grammatically improper. “Insurgent” lends a dignity the thugs and murderers opposing us don’t deserve. The word is too palatable for our audiences.

Therefore, we are asking you to cease and desist with “insurgent” and use “terrorist” instead.

Again, just a friendly reminder.

V/R,

MAJ Reginald Lesser

Deputy Chief, Strategic Communications

MCI, Baghdad Branch

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

29 JUNE 2005 1325hrs

Subject: Fw: Informal Public Affairs Guidance Regarding Current Use of Terms

I queried higher HQ on the guidance about changing our term for Anti-Iraq Forces from “insurgents” to “terrorist” per STRATCOM’s query/concern. I was told the guidance was premature. The folks at Multi-Corps Iraq are only
considering
a change at this time. Don’t jump the gun. We’ll still use INSURGENTS for now.

V/R,

LTC Harkleroad

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

29 JUNE 2005 2043hrs

Subject: Fw: Re: Fw: Informal Public Affairs Guidance Regarding Current Use of Terms

All,

At the present time, there is no OFFICIAL guidance to change use of terminology. I may have miscommunicated when I said earlier that there is a move. There is no move, only a suggestion on our part. SUGGESTION does not mean DIRECTIVE.

My suggestion was prompted by some low-level discussion here at MCI but has not been vetted with senior leadership or higher headquarters. For now, we need to stay the course with “Insurgent” while continuing to review our choice of words. Words are important. Words can wound, maim, and kill.

There’s more background we can discuss when we next get together, privileged information that I’m not at liberty to divulge at this time.

Perhaps a few poolside drinks over here in the Green Zone are in order?

Look forward to seeing you!

Cheers,

MAJ Reginald Lesser

Deputy Chief, Strategic Communications

MCI, Baghdad Branch

From: [email protected]

To: MCI Staff_All, STRATCOM_PA_Group, [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

Cc: [email protected]

30 JUNE 2005 1431hrs

Subject: AIF Semantics

Gentlemen,

Word has reached our office about increased confusion regarding the use of “terrorist,” “insurgent,” and all associated terms. After much discussion behind closed doors and numerous consultations with our cultural liaison staffers, we have come to a decision point regarding the bomb planters.

Multi-Corps-Iraq has decided to get away from the term “insurgent” because of its formal definition:
a person who revolts against civil authorities or an established government.
In other words, a rebel but not necessarily a belligerent. He could merely be one who acts contrary to the policies and decisions of one’s own political party. Indeed, our very nation was founded on the principles of rebellion and it would not be out of line to call great men like Alexander Hamilton, Henry Clay, and Paul Revere “insurgents.” So, to link what’s going on here in Iraq at the street level to the glorious cause of our nation is, in my opinion, a travesty and, frankly, something that turns my stomach.

Bearing that in mind, the term “insurgent” is thus not entirely correct for this particular time or phase of the newly reborn Iraqi government.

Whereas the term “terrorist,” whereby a deranged individual employs a systematic use of terror as a means of coercion, is a more appropriate and acceptable term to use in our briefings, press releases, and everyday conversation. “Criminal” can also be used as a substitute in some cases, by its definition: one who has committed a crime against a lawful government.

So we will no longer dignify these horrible, despicable creatures with the title of “insurgent.” I am directing all subordinate staff members to immediately start calling them what they are:
TERRORISTS.
We are, I need not remind you, currently waging the Global War on
Terrorism.