Focus (16 page)

W
e got
to the restaurant and took our seats. The maître d’ poured us some wine, and Asher and I clinked glasses.

I decided just to rush into my questions. There was no holding back anymore. Ever since I found out about the kidnapping, I needed answers. I was determined to get them.

“So, Asher,” I said. “I heard from this girl named Marisa.”

Asher’s face went pale. “I can explain.”

“I’m sure,” I said. “But why didn’t you tell me all of this? About Yuri and the Bardha gang and Robert who apparently had me working in a strip club that doubled as an underground escort service?”

“I should have told you,” he said. “But I didn’t see a reason to stress you out like that. I guess I wasn’t thinking that Marisa would have gotten in touch with you so soon.” He shook his head. “I should have thought about that.”

“Yes,” I said. “I guess you should have told Marisa not to call me, and, if she did, not to tell me the truth about things.” I was sarcastic when I said this to him, but I don’t think that he picked up on this.

“You’re right about that,” he said. “I should have told her not to say anything.”

I furrowed my brow. This conversation wasn’t going well at all. “No, Asher, I wasn’t being serious about that. I was trying to tell you that you probably should have told me all of this. If for no other reason than to let me know that I might still be in danger.”

His face contorted. “I took care of all of that.”

“All of what?”

“Robert and Yuri. They both know not to mess with you anymore.”

I narrowed my eyes. “So, you do know these men.”

“No. I mean, I know them now. But I didn’t when all of this happened. I’ve been trying very hard to keep my head down and stay out of trouble with the mafia here. My mistake was not at least keeping abreast of all that’s going down in that world.”

I bit my lip, trying to decide whether to believe him. He seemed shaken by my abrupt questions. That wasn’t a good sign.

That wasn’t a good sign at all.

“What do you mean, you took care of them?”

“They now know who my father is,” he said. “And they’re not willing to cross me now. I told each of them that if they do, in the future, they’ll pay the price. And it won’t be pretty.”

I took a sip of my wine. “I thought your father couldn’t protect me unless we got married and he gave his blessing.”

“CJ,” he said. “Most of the mafia around these parts won’t mess with me, and won’t mess with anyone close to me. That’s because of my father’s power. There are some men, however, who will try to mess with the people close to me. They’re willing to play with that kind of danger, knowing that, at the moment, there really wouldn’t be any kind of major repercussions for them and their group. That’s why you need my father’s protection as well.”

I took a deep breath. I had to come out with my misgivings, and deal with the fallout. “Asher,” I said. “You weren’t behind my abduction, were you?”

He looked stunned. Then clearly angry. He shook his head, and didn’t say anything at all. His face was turning red, though, and he was shaking a tiny bit.

We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. I was having trouble gauging his reaction to my question.

Finally, he spoke in measured tones that showed that he was trying, very hard, to contain his anger. “CJ,” he began. “I realize that you don’t know me very well right now. As far as you’re concerned, we’ve only known one another for a matter of weeks. So, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But if you think, for one split second, that I would ever, and I mean ever, do something like that to you…” He shook his head again.

I swallowed, hard. It was clear that he was being sincere, and I felt stupid for even asking the question. I put my hand on his arm, and he looked at it and then looked up at me. I felt like melting as I looked into his blue eyes, now so filled with hurt. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “It was just that everything seemed just too coincidental. You apparently found me pretty quickly, and, well, you told me that you were in the Russian mob. And then I end up held captive by somebody in the Russian mob, and abducted by men in the Albanian mob. I did some research, and found out the Albanians and the Russians often work together.” I was rambling, because Asher continued to look pissed. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “But I also couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me about all of that.”

Asher’s face showed the anger draining away. He shook his head. “Scarlett and I decided it was best that you didn’t know about all of that. There’s something else that is much worse that you need to know about, so we both thought that it was best that you didn’t know about the abduction. It wasn’t necessary to tell you about the abduction, especially since I took care of those two men. They got the message, and so did everyone who works with them.”

He hung his head.

I drew a breath. I wanted him to tell me this other news, but was so, so terrified of hearing it at the same time.

In a small voice, I said “tell me, Asher. Tell me about the tragedy that happened that I forgot about.”

I
was sitting
across from CJ, stunned, absolutely stunned, that she would think that I was behind her abduction. It never even occurred to me that she would ask me something like this.

If she only knew what kind of lengths I went to protect her, she would never doubt me again. But she didn’t know. She didn’t know, because I chose to keep all of that from her. It was for the best, Scarlett and I agreed. There was no need to put that on her, on top of everything else. Once she found out about her brother, she was going to be extremely fragile, anyhow. For her to know that she was also abducted and held captive could do even more damage to her mental state.

I didn’t count on Marisa calling her. Why I didn’t think about that, I didn’t know. It just didn’t occur to me.

My anger dissipated, though, when I realized that CJ had a point. I
didn’t
tell her about her abduction. I had good reason, but she didn’t know that. And it did look suspicious, considering her kidnapping was at the hands of the mafia. It wasn’t the Russian mafia, but she was right about one thing –the Albanians and the Russians often worked hand in hand. I thought at first, myself, that CJ’s kidnapping had something to do with me and my own connections back in Russia.

So, she could be forgiven for thinking that the entire thing was too coincidental. I probably would have thought the same in her position. And she really didn’t know me. As far as she was concerned, I was a stranger to her, still. We had a great time the previous weekend, and she certainly was warming up to me. She even said that she loved me, because she emotionally felt very connected to me. I didn’t doubt that, because I had to believe that there was a part of her that still remembered me from before.

But I was still a stranger to her. So, of course, she was going to question me after finding something like that out.

I felt the anger drain out of me as I sat there, looking into her beautiful eyes. She was sorry for questioning me, sorry for doubting me. I knew that she was.

Then, she asked the question that I hoped that she would never ask.

And I really didn’t know what to say to her.

A
sher was just staring
at me, but his hand was on my hand. He looked as if he didn’t quite have words.

I just waited for him to start speaking. I realized that I was barely breathing myself. I had no idea why it was that I needed to know this information right at that point. I only knew that the time had come.

And I trusted Asher. I trusted him completely. I had gone through my doubts, I asked him about them, and he gave me the answer that I was craving. He had nothing to do with my abduction. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and I apparently paid the price for this. It was nothing more than that.

Once I figured out that I could trust him, I knew that I needed him to tell me what I had been avoiding all this time.

Could I handle it?

I guessed that it would depend on what “it” was.

He sighed. “Okay. I guess I need to tell you everything.”

I nodded my head. “Please. Go on.”

He bowed his head, and looked extremely nervous. “CJ, there’s a reason why your mother hasn’t been at your bedside. Why she hasn’t been answering your phone calls.”

I felt alarmed, but I wanted him to go on. “There is? Why? What did I do? I mean, my mother and I have had our problems, but nothing that we wouldn’t be able to solve.”

He gripped my hand tighter. “Your brother, Nathaniel, is dead.”

I shook my head rapidly. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,” I said. “No. Stop. Don’t tell me anymore. Stop. Please. Please, Asher. Please.” I didn’t want to believe him. I couldn’t believe him.

My heart, however, knew that this was true. My beautiful, precious little brother was dead. I felt like I was being split in two with grief.

I knew that the knowledge of this had been with me all along. It was at the edges, threatening me.

I realized that I was crying, and Asher had his arm around me, and was handing me a handkerchief. “CJ,” he said. “I love you. I’ll be right here for you every step of the way. I hope that you can understand this.”

I shook my head. “This can’t be true. Tell me it’s not true.”

“I wish I could,” he said. “But it is true.”

I was shaking all over, but I managed to croak out the word “how?”

Asher was silent. “I don’t think I should tell you this. I think that you’ve found out enough.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to break you, CJ. I feel that right now isn’t the best time to go into that.”

“Tell me,” I said. “I need to know. And I’ll find out, sooner or later, so you might as well just tell me right now.”

Then, all at once, I had a flash. I heard Nathaniel in the car. “Leave the car running, it’s too hot in here,” he said.

I tried to shake that off, but I couldn’t.

I had another flash. Me, in the police station, pleading with God to take me. To take me, so that Nathaniel could be returned in one piece.

I had a lump in my throat. Asher was talking to me, but it was like he was at the end of a long tunnel. I could hear him, but not really. His voice sounded distorted.

“I killed him,” I said. “I remember now.”

I had more flashes, like lightning rapidly running through my brain. The panicky feeling. The walls closing in on me. Me going home after finding out Nathaniel was dead, and overdosing on an entire bottle of aspirin. Then being rushed to the hospital by my roommate, and being transferred to a psychiatric hospital. I told Scarlett that I was going away for awhile, on vacation, after my suicide attempt, but I was in the hospital.

In the hospital for a month.

I shook my head, trying to will away the flashes of memories that were flooding me all at once. I desperately wanted these memories to stop, but, at the same time, I knew that I didn’t really want that. I needed them to come back.

“CJ,” he said. “I’m going to take you back to the hotel room.”

“No,” I said. “I need to stay here. There are things coming back to me, and I don’t want to interrupt it. I need to go through this.”

There was something else. Something else. What was it?

I tried to concentrate. I still didn’t remember a lot, but what I was remembering was scattered, incoherent. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a ton of missing pieces.

It seemed like forever that I sat there, Asher sitting right by me, putting his arm around me protectively. I was shaking all over, but there was one more memory that was somewhere in my brain that would make me feel better.

Then it struck me.

“Nathaniel,” I said. “I saw him. I saw him. He told me that he was okay, and that he forgives me. He’s waiting for me, and he still loves me.” I shook my head rapidly, remembering how I saw him. I didn’t remember how I saw him, I just remember that I did. “And he’s happy.”

I remembered more about the encounter. “He’s happy, and he gets all the cookies he wants. And my mother and Stella would be talking to me soon, because he’s trying to make them talk to me. He blew me a kiss and said that he would see me again, but not for a long time.”

Asher was still there, but I didn’t really know it at this time. I was flooded with the memories of seeing precious little Nathaniel, waiting happily for me on the other side.

“He’s okay, Asher,” I said. “He’s okay.”

Then I collapsed.

I
came
to in the hotel room. Asher was sitting right by me on the couch. He had a cold rag on my forehead, and he was whispering to me.

“Asher,” I said. “It’s okay. I remember now. Not everything, but I remember the feeling I got when he was taken from me. More importantly, I remember seeing him. I think that I was taking drugs, or something. That’s hazy. But I saw him. He was as real as you are right now.”

Asher smiled and kissed me on the forehead. “I’m happy that you’re getting your memory back.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that it’s come back,” I said. “I still don’t remember meeting you. But I do remember Nathaniel. What happened to him, and…what he said to give me peace.” I smiled. “And that’s what I feel, Asher. Peaceful about it. About him. He still loves me, and he’s happy.”

He held me close. “That’s such a relief,” he said. “I was so worried to tell you about all of that.”

I nodded. “I guess I needed that jolt to bring it back to me. I just wish that I could remember you more clearly. How we were together.”

He brushed my bangs back from my forehead and kissed it lightly. “There’s probably a reason you don’t remember our time together,” he said. “You weren’t doing so good at the time that we met.”

“I wasn’t? I mean, I can understand that. I would imagine that I was traumatized beyond belief.”

“Yes,” he said. “You were suffering from panic attacks anytime you went outside.”

“I was? How did I get over that?”

There was a part of me that knew the answer to that question.

I met Emily in the mental hospital. That’s probably how I ended up there – trying to get over my panic attacks and traumatization.

“You checked into New York Presbyterian,” he said. “You were there for a couple of months.”

I nodded my head. “Well, that explains Emily.”

“Who’s Emily?”

“She’s a girl who I met in the mental hospital. She had a tragedy happen to her as well. We apparently went through the same feelings of guilt, regret, and a lot of sadness. She called me and we met for a drink. I was going to tell you about that, but I wasn’t ready to hear why I was in the hospital, so I just didn’t bring it up.”

“Okay,” he said. “That makes sense.”

I felt my eyes closing.

“Sleep CJ, you need it,” he said.

And I knew he was right.