Follow Me Through Darkness (11 page)

I can’t undo anything. I can’t change what I’ve done, only where we end up. I can find the answers, save myself, save the people I love, and move forward.

That simple life is gone forever. I can’t even wish it undone. I wouldn’t if I could. Not if it means
not
being out here.

“Neely?” he says again. “Where are we going?”

“What do you know?” I ask. Xenith’s words from that night echo in my head. I shouldn’t tell Thorne anything, but now he’s here and maybe the rules have changed.

Thorne’s eyes search my face. “I only know what Xenith told me, which was pretty much that you were alive and you were out here.”

“Why did Xenith send you?”

“He said I was a liability and that I felt you because you were alive, just out here. He said, ‘You’re annoying the hell out me anyway,’ and I got out the next morning.” He pauses and looks at me. “I couldn’t handle living without you, in case you’re wondering. That was the story Xenith thought up before he helped me kill myself. I don’t remember much after. We were beyond the barrier, and he pushed me in a car and told me I’d find you alive when the car stopped. Here I am.”

Xenith betrayed me. He sent Thorne after promising to keep him safe. He let him travel above. Why did he get to take a car while I had to travel through the darkness of the Burrows for days? I had to fight to live while he was here. I watched all those people- innocent people-die. If he can break the rules, then I can tell Thorne something real.

“Xenith planned out a route of Remnant camps near some of the old cities,” I say. The map that rests now in my pack flashes in my head, with each location and each bend and twist of Xenith’s handwriting. “We’re going through Texas and then over. The camps are all linked to Cecily and the Mavericks. When did you get here?”

“I slept in the casino for two nights,” he says, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Why did Xenith help you?” Does Xenith trust him more than me? Does he think I’m not strong enough to make it?

“First tell me some things,” Thorne says. Determination laces his tense expression, and that’s such a rare thing for him that I nod swiftly and shut my mouth. “Why the Mavericks? Who are they?”

I examine the curve of Thorne’s face, the spark in his eye, and the way his hair swishes away from his cheeks. He really doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know why he’s here. Why would Xenith send him?

“They’re a group in San Francisco that has existed since the Compounds were created. Xenith knows about them. I went to him after I found some information in my father’s office, and he sent me to find them.”

Thorne’s hand runs aimlessly through his hair. He stands to his feet and tosses the apple core across the green landscape. “And you just blindly volunteered to come out here and-what? Join them?”

“After what happened with my father and what he did to you, it was the only thing I could do,” I say, jumping to my feet too.

“How is that logical at all?”

I can’t believe I need to explain it. He should understand. “My father knows we’re connected, and if he knows, it’s only a matter of time before the Elders find out. They probably found out in the same instant.”

“I know you think they did something to your father.”

“I don’t think it. I know. They’re evil,” I say. I’ve felt it since the beginning, but I never told him I found proof. “You heard what Cecily said they did to twins. They would’ve done it to us. I had to leave to stop them.”

“And you couldn’t take me?”

I don’t miss the betrayal in his voice, but Xenith’s words are in my head. I’d asked the same thing once. “Killing us both at once would’ve raised too much suspicion. They monitor everything, and since we were on their radar, they would’ve never let us go. You were safer there where Xenith could keep an eye on you.”

Thorne groans. “I don’t need Xenith to keep an eye on me. You’re supposed to trust me.”

“I do!” He should know that.

“Then why are we here? You trusted Xenith enough to fake your death, but you don’t trust me enough to tell me why.”

I pause and inhale. “That’s not fair. I trust you. I trust you with everything.”

“You don’t.”

Thorne’s jaw is tense, and a heated feeling of his anger attacks me from the inside. It’s not a lot, but just enough to let me know that he doesn’t believe me. He thinks I don’t trust him. I’ve spent my whole life trusting him, and even though I have questions now, he’s always been the only sure person in my life. Even if our love isn’t real, if it only exists because of the branding, I can’t deny who he is to me.

“I read some of my father’s files one night,” I say. “Logs about experiments, twins, myself. I found information on how someone believed there was life here in the Old World and the Elders covered it up by killing him.”

“What?”

I don’t stop. He wants to know what and why, then I’ll tell him. “The branding isn’t what we think it is. Everyone in the Compound is blocked by it. They can’t ask questions or wonder. They have no free will. It’s why they don’t question anything the Elders command; the Elders have been altering us. They did something to my father’s branding-that’s when he changed, Thorne-and it made him completely vacant of emotion.”

I pause to take a breath. Ever since I found out my father isn’t himself because of the Elders, all of his actions make more sense. I still hate it all, but he’s not doing it on his own. Why would they do that to him? What do they want with him?

“According to what I found, the Elders are going to transfer some families to a brand-new Compound and give them a different branding. They’re calling it the Ultimate Compliance, and makes everyone obey everything.”

Thorne shakes his head. “The Elders wouldn’t do that.”

I sigh. I don’t have any way to prove it to him. “They would and they are. I’ve read about it. It will wipe out everyone like that.” I snap.

“So you came out here to stop them and save everyone?” He stares at me like I’m an idiot.

I try to keep my emotions in check so I don’t spill any of my feelings to him. I don’t want him to feel my true anxieties. “Yes.”

He pauses. “You aren’t telling me something.”

“Your family was on the list. I couldn’t lose you,” I add.

His eyes snap to me. “My family?”

“Yes, and you. Staying there meant losing you.” I couldn’t handle that. Losing him forever is too much to even think about.

Finally he shakes his head and takes my hand. “You could have told me that, Neely. I would’ve helped you.”

“I didn’t want you involved,” I say honestly.

“It’s my family,” he says. His family. His.

“It’s mine, too.” The tension flows between us, and a breath hitches in my chest. He’s not as angry, but the spinning confusion courses through me. “We should go.”

“Why you?” The question takes me by surprise. His gaze on me is so intense that I want to look away. It’s so hurt and worried, and I don’t want to see it.

“What?” My voice is barely a whisper.

“Come on, Neely,” Thorne says. He pauses and inhales. His hands squeeze into tight fists at his side. “If there’s this whole method of communication like Cecily mentioned, why do you have to go? Why not just send a message? Why did Xenith send you out here?”

I have to look away again. My head is spinning with Xenith and Thorne, with truth and lies, with deals and death and freedom. Thorne reaches out to me through the connection, but I block him out. He shakes his head and stares off into the distance. As soon as he looks away, I change my mind and try to reach out for him, but he’s blocked me out too.

“This all started with me,” I offer to the silence. “My father told me he was the one in control of everything, and I kept pushing him. I kept disobeying the rules, intentionally-the forbidden books, going out to the barrier, breaking curfew. I wasn’t even hiding it, Thorne. I kept going to you after he told me not to see you. Then the Elders did whatever they did to him because of me. He hurt you because of me and found out about our connection. Someone has to make it right-that’s on me, too.”

“And Xenith has pure motives?”

“Yes,” I say.

“But why you, Neely?”

“They have a plan for me, too. I’d never get to live in the South as a teacher. I was set to be the next director, and I didn’t want that. Especially not after I learned everything. I had to get out, to stop them. It is the only way to live freely.”

Thorne is silent.

“Xenith said the best way to do it was to search for answers. So that’s what I’m doing. If I
can
stop this, if I can do something to save everyone at home, then I will do anything in my power to stop it.”

I want to tell him the rest. That I need to know if our love is real. That I’m on this mission in order to stop the Elders, to find the truth, to fight for my own life, and to free myself from being a puppet to the Elders.

“This seems like a bad idea.”

I cross my arms. “You don’t have to be here. I didn’t want you here anyway.” This is all to protect him, and if he’s here, then I can’t do that.

Thorne’s eyes are closed. His jaw is tight, and his hands are shoved into his pockets. I kick the ground with my foot in silence and look up at him. The boy I love. The boy I grew up with. The only one who knows me.

“Haven’t you ever asked yourself why Xenith cares so much? Or what
he
gets out of this?”

I look up at the sky and watch the sun move to a different spot. Watch the world move around it. I can’t look at him or he’ll know just how dangerous that answer is. I don’t want to see his face when he learns the truth about Xenith. Maybe he’ll never have to. Maybe I can keep pretending
I
haven’t asked that question a hundred times.

I pick my bag up off the ground and toss it over my shoulder. “We should go.”

Thorne steps in front of me, and I’m forced to look at him. “Why do I feel like you’re hiding something?”

I watch him, uncertain where I should move, but the way he looks at me tells me this is a chance to come clean. I’m trying to protect him. I don’t want him to be in danger or to worry, and after all we’ve been through, I need him to trust me in this.

With a sigh, Thorne yanks his bag off the ground and walks on in silence without looking at me.

1DAY BEFORE ESCAPE

XENITH IS LOOKING AT ME
.
I’ve been trying to ignore his eyes for the last twenty minutes, but they almost look through me
.

“Come eat,” he says to me again, but I shake my head. I leave the Compound tomorrow, and life is less scary behind these pages
.

I glance over toward his kitchen from the top of the book I’m reading. “I don’t want to.”

“I’m not giving you an option,” he says back
.

We stare at each other, and a familiar smell lingers in the air around us. It’s hard to tell when I’ll get to eat a real meal again. We’ve loaded some food in my pack, but none of it is very filling. Xenith sets a plate in front of me. It’s the version of mac and cheese that Sara’s made since I was a child
.

“Xenith,” I say. “This is my favorite.”

He smiles at me. “I know. I found the recipe in my mom’s stack. It may not be as good as Sara’s, but-”

I find his hand. “Thank you.” We both freeze until I pull my hand away
.

I put To Kill a Mockingbird on the table next to us and silently take a bite. It’s just as good as Sara makes it. He doesn’t take a bite until I’ve taken three. He doesn’t sit, just leans against the tall table with his plate in his hands
.

“That’s one of my favorites.” He points toward the book. “That line where he talks about courage.” I lower my fork and study Xenith’s face, the way his eyes close into slits when he’s thinking. “How courage is more than a man with a gun, and instead it’s trying something you know you’ll fail at before you ever start but doing it anyway.”

“That’s nice,” I say
.

“Nice?” He moves his hand from mine and crosses to my side of the table. “It’s terrifying.”

I shake my head, confused. I start to take another bite, but he’s looking at me like I’m crazy, so I don’t
.

“Courage is terrifying, facing something that can ruin you. It’s…” He stiffens next to me. “It reminds me of you, of tomorrow.” Xenith moves his plate off the table and takes a bite, then moves to the couch and sits facing me
.

I keep my gaze locked on his eyes. “Why are you telling me this?

“As soon as you stepped into my quarters to ask me for help, when you started snooping, all the odds piled against you. You don’t know what you’re facing, and you’re still going. That’s courage, and it’s impressive. You aren’t like anyone I’ve ever met.”

Is that courage? Stupidity maybe. Only stupid people would challenge the Elders. If they find out I’m not dead, I’ll have openly declared a war. I know it’s stupid-and that I’m only slightly aware of what they’re capable of. I leave the table and stand in front of him
.

“Maybe it’s surrender.”

He looks at me while he chews. “Nah. It’s courage,” he says. He abandons his plate on the side table, and I fall into the chair beside him
.

“If you’d surrendered, you’d still be up there staring out at the ocean and listening to every story they told you. But you’re not. You’re here. Soon, you’ll be out there.” Xenith jumps off the couch and motions around the room. “That’s only a place for the courageous or the stupid.” He pauses. “And you’re not one of the stupid. I wouldn’t let the stupid go out there. Stupid wouldn’t survive two days.”

I need some water. My mouth is dry, and my heart is racing. He’s looking at me like he shouldn’t, and I’m feeling something that I shouldn’t. I ignore it, push it away, pretend I don’t feel anything
.

“It’s all on me, so I hope you’re right.”

Xenith sighs, and his blue eyes search my face. “You can do it. You’re not alone in this.”

I look away and shake my head. “You said it was mine to carry.”

He’s beside me in an instant, kneeling so he’s even with the chair. He puts a hand on my chin and pulls my face to his so I can’t look anywhere else. “That’s true. It is up to you, but you’re only the main part. There are other people doing this with you. You’ve never been alone.”