Follow You Down (18 page)

“You wanna see her?” Nikki looks nervous even asking. Do I? Yes, of course I do. I have wondered how she was for years, but should I? Probably not. I can’t take the chance of getting attached to her again or her getting attached to me. But my mouth ignores all the reason why this is a bad idea.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“We have to go to the next floor, that’s the pediatric floor. I just came down here to get her some Cheetos; the vending machine upstairs was out of them.”

I nod at her and follow her to the elevator, watching her press the up arrow. “So, I heard you’re dating Dani Hartley. Is that true?”

“Yep. It is.” I answer her in a flat tone, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“Does she know about me? About Lisa?”

“Yeah, I’ve told her about y’all.”

“Oh, okay.” We step out onto the pediatric floor.

The walls are covered in murals of princess and cartoon characters, and the nurses all have on bright colored scrubs. Nikki stops in her tracks and looks at me. “Well, I’m happy for you. I know if you settled down with someone, she has to be an amazing girl, because you’re an amazing guy.”

“Cut the shit, Nikki. Why are you being so nice?”

She looks offended. “Damn, Lucas, am I such a bad person that it’s impossible for you to believe that I am genuinely happy for you?”

“Ugh, yeah, it kind of is, Nikki.”

She doesn’t look offended. She just nods and starts walking again. I follow her in silence. She stops outside a door, pausing before she walks in. “Ya know, Lucas, I have been really shitty in the past, but I’m trying really hard to change. It may not look like it to you, but I don’t want to just keep being a raging bitch for the rest of my life. I want to be the kind of mommy Lisa will be proud to have. I’m to moving New Orleans with my parents and Lisa as soon as she’s released. It will give us a fresh start.”

She looks sincere and even tears up a little when she says Lisa’s name. Maybe hell has frozen over and Nikki has finally decided to grow up and be a mom instead of just a party girl. “Well, I hope that’s true, Nikki. Lisa deserves that.”

She smiles softly. “Yeah, she does.”

We walk in the room and I instantly spot a mound of brown curls lying on a hospital bed watching Dora the Explorer. She’s holding on to a stuffed animal and it takes me a second to realize it’s one I got her.

The day she was born, I bought a pink teddy bear from the hospital gift shop. It was the kind that babies can play with, no parts that she could pull off and choke on. I would put it in her crib every night and tell her that Pinky would watch over her when I wasn’t there. It pulls at my heartstrings to see that she still has it.

“Lucas?” Nikki’s mom stands up from her spot by Lisa and hugs me close to her.

“What are you doing here?”

“My brother’s girlfriend is here. I came to see her and ran into Nikki. She told me Lisa was here, so I thought I would come up and say hi.”

She smiles softly at me. She knows how much it broke my heart to find out Lisa wasn’t mine.

“What’s your name?” Lisa has quit watching Dora and is watching me instead.

“My name’s Lucas.”

“Oh, my name’s Lisa. Are you friends with my mommy?”

“I sure am. Who ya got there?” I point at the pink bear in her arms.

“This is Pinky. She’s my best friend. My mommy says someone really special got her for me. Wanna cuddle her?”

“I would love to cuddle her.”

Lisa hands Pinky over to me and I give her a tight hug.

Lisa crawls over, sitting in my lap. “Do you got candy?”

“Lisa!” Nikki tries to scold her and ends up laughing.

“Sorry, no candy.”

“Oh. It’s okay. You bring candy tomorrow?”

I glance at Nikki and her mom, not sure what I should say. She won’t get candy tomorrow because I won’t see her tomorrow. That breaks my heart and I know this probably wasn’t a good idea, seeing Lisa. In just a few minutes, I have fallen in love with this little girl all over again. She won’t remember who I am or that she let me cuddle her bear, but I will. And it will fuck with me for the rest of my life.

“Mommy will get you some candy tomorrow, baby. Mr. Lucas has to go home now.” Nikki doesn’t miss a beat.

“Oh. Okay, Mommy. Bye, Mr. Lucas.” She hugs me tight and kisses me on the cheek. I hold her close to me, remembering the day she was born when I held her in my arms while she cried for the first time. She was so small and perfect. I think I knew then that she wasn’t mine, but I loved her anyway.

“Bye, Lisa.” I smile at Nikki and her mom, but walk out of the room without saying goodbye to either of them. I need to get the hell out of there. Who knew a little three year old could bring me to my knees like that.

“Lucas, wait!” Nikki runs down the hall after me.

“Sorry I didn’t say bye. Tell your mom I’m sorry, too. I just needed to get out of there.” I start pacing back and forth in front of the elevator.

“It’s okay. If I would have known seeing her would upset you, I would have never brought it up.”

“It’s not that it upsets me, Nikki; it just hurts. She’s not my kid, but I want her to be, and that hurts like hell.”

“I really did think she was yours, ya know? I never lied about that. It was between you and the piece of shit who is actually her father, and I thought it was you. That’s why I told you.” She’s crying. I have never seen Nikki cry. I assumed ice queens didn’t shed tears.

“I prayed that it was you, Lucas; every night I prayed it would be you. You would be able to give her what I knew I couldn’t, a good, stable parent. But it wasn’t you, and I still hate myself every day that I ever drug you along and let you think she was yours, because I know you love her. And I know she deserved a dad like you, but instead she got stuck with a shitty mom like me.”

“Don’t say that, Nikki.”

“Why not? It’s the fucking truth. I’ve spent most of her life getting fucked up and leaving her with my parents. What kind of mother does that to her kid, Lucas?”

“One who just wasn’t ready? But what matters is you’re trying now. You can’t condemn yourself for your past mistakes, just don’t make them again.”

She laughs, “Lucas, you were always too good for me.” I don’t know what to say to that, so I just don’t say anything. “I gotta get back in there. They’ll be around soon to give her another IV dose of medicine and I have to hold her while they do it.” I nod at her and smile before stepping on the elevator.

I hear her right before the doors close, “Hey, Lucas?”

“Yeah?”

“Think you could ever change your mind about me? We could be a family again. Me, you, Lisa.”

“No, Nikki. I’m sorry, but that’ll never happen.”

Her shoulders drop slightly and I can tell she is fighting back another round of tears. “I understand. It was good to see you, Lucas.”

“You too, Nikki.”

She watches me as the doors close. What did I just do? Talking to Nikki like that, seeing Lisa, these are all things I need to talk to Dani about, but I won’t. Hell, I can’t. She would never forgive me for hiding things from her, and that is exactly what I did.

“Yo, bro?” I step off the elevator and see Logan walking toward Molly’s room with two cups of coffee in his hands.

“Hey, man, how’s Molly doing?”

He drops his head and shakes it back and forth. “I don’t know, man. How is she supposed to be doing? She just shot her kid’s dad and killed him. How the fuck does someone recover from that?”

“They don’t, man. Logan, I think you need to expect the fact that Molly may not feel the same about y’all after all this. She may need some time and space to figure out some shit. Understand what I’m saying?”

“I do, man, but I don’t agree. I think she needs me more now than ever. It may take a little while for us to get back to where we were, but I know we’ll get there eventually.”

“All right, man, just be careful, okay?”

“Aren’t I always, big brother?”

No, no you aren’t.

I spend about an hour with Molly and Logan. I can tell she’s starting to pull back from everyone, not just Logan. Ryan comes in and she just doesn’t act the way she normally does with him. She’s too quiet, and that is not like Molly at all.

I leave the hospital and drive back to Dani’s, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Two days. That’s how long it took for shit to go from bad to worse. Molly ended it with Logan, just like I knew she would, and he crumbled into a million fucking pieces, just like I knew he would.

I spent most nights over the last few weeks at my apartment with him, just making sure he didn’t lose his mind. He drinks too much and cries. God does he fucking cry.

“Is he playing that song again?” Dani walks around my living room picking up the beer cans that Logan has left everywhere. She has been amazing these last few weeks, bringing over food and even listening to Logan vent when he goes off on a drunken tangent, which is almost every day.

“Yes he is.” He has been listing to the same fucking song on repeat. “Apparently, he and Molly danced in a field to it, or some shit like that. I don’t really know. All I know is he is seriously getting on my nerves.”

“Lucas, come on, he’s your brother.”

“I know that, Red, but he has got to get it together. If he wants to get her back, he can’t fall apart like this. I know what he’s going through sucks, but he needs to quit bitching and do something about it.”

“I agree, but Molly does too. Ryan says she cries all the time, but refuses to call Logan. She says he’s better off without her.”

I raise my eyebrows at Dani insinuating I predicted this shit would happen the day after she shot Brian. “I know,” she sighs and plops down on the couch. I sit down beside her and pull her legs across my lap, resting my hand on her thigh. “I should have listened to you.”

“Red, you should always listen to me. I’m always right.”

“Sure you are, honey.” She pacifies me and rubs the side of my face where a layer of stubble has started to come in.

“We’ve got to figure out some way to get them back together. I don’t know how much longer I can stand depressing music and drunken crying. I love my brother, Red, but I refuse to watch him drink himself into a stupor over this shit.”

“So what’s your brilliant plan, Mr. Wade?”

I growl and squeeze her thigh. “You know it drives me fucking crazy when you call me that.”

She laughs, “I know, that’s why I do it. You know what Logan needs? A vacation. Maybe some time away will give him room to think, and maybe him leaving will force Molly to realize she doesn’t want to lose Logan for good.”

“That’s it!” I grab her face and kiss her mouth hard. “Red, you’re a fucking genius!” She looks confused. “Hand me my phone.” She does, but still doesn’t understand what’s going on.

I call Brett, my brother’s former neighbor when he lived in New Orleans and one of the only guys he still talks to from there.

“Hello?” Brett’s voice has a deep creole accent to it. I met him a few times when I would visit Logan in New Orleans. He always seemed like a nice enough guy.

“Hey, Brett, this is Lucas Wade, Logan’s older brother.”

“Hey, man! How ya been? I hadn’t heard from Logan in a while. Everything all right?”

I remove Dani’s legs from my lap, stand up, and pace the room, rubbing the back of my neck. “Actually, man, it’s not; that’s why I’m calling. See, Logan and his girl had a really bad breakup, and, well, he’s handling this one about as well as he handled his breakup with Lizzy.”

“Say no more, man. What can I do to help?”

“Think you could call him and convince him to come visit you for a while? A week or so? I think maybe getting out of town would help him clear his head a little.”

“Sounds like a great plan, man. I’ll give him a call now.”

“Thanks, Brett. I appreciate it, man.”

I hang up with Brett. Now, to activate the second part of my plan.

“Who the hell are you calling now?”

“Ryan.”

“Why are you calling Ryan?”

“Give me a few minutes, Red, and then I’ll explain everything.”

She just rolls her eyes at me and stands up to finish cleaning my apartment. She needs a maid’s outfit. The kind that is backless so I can stare at her ass while she cleans.

“What’s going on, Lucas?” Ryan answers and sounds out of breath.

“Hey, man, did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Naw, not at all. I just got through working out. What’s up?”

“Well, I have a plan that I think might bring Logan and Molly back together. You in?”

“Fuck yes, dude. Anything to help end this shit. Molly has been a hot mess the last few weeks.”

“Logan too. I feel your pain.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Well, I called Logan’s best friend from New Orleans and he should be calling Logan right about now to invite him to come stay in New Orleans for a week or so.”

“Okay, what do you need from me?”

“Well, I need you to tell Molly that Logan left for New Orleans and you have no clue if, or when, he’s coming back. Make her think that he left for good. I think realizing she really lost him will make her quit being a dipshit.”

“Nice plan, dude. Did you come up with that all by yourself?”