Foolish Fire (19 page)

“At an abortion clinic. Or somewhere. There are places where it can be done. Her parents don’t even have to know about it.”

“That seems so drastic….”

“Yeah. I thought about it long and hard. I actually thought of having the baby. But there’s no way. For either of us. I want to go to college, and so does she. In the end…well, we decided to go through with the abortion.”

“Is it very expensive?”

“I don’t know. Whatever it costs can be covered by selling my bike.”

“But you just bought it!”

“I know. At least I got to ride it for a week….”

“When did you find out about the pregnancy?”

“Just two days ago. You’re the first person I’ve told. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna tell you or not today. But I had to tell someone. It’s been hell living with it.”

“I can imagine.”

He was silent for a long time. When he spoke again, his voice was a dull monotone, as if he were talking to himself, as if I weren’t even there.

“You know, it’s not an easy choice to make. It’s harder for the girl, of course, but it’s also hard for the boy. And we used to joke about it, too, before…. It’s terrible just to think of it. Do you know, they actually scrape away a part of the uterus? It’s permanently damaged afterwards. She’ll never be the same. And the baby. It’s a living thing they kill. A human being.”

He was looking down at the ground and I felt helpless.

“Damn,” he muttered as if to himself. “One little shot of pleasure and you have to pay for it the rest of your life.”

“Take it easy, Jack. It can’t be that bad. It happens all the time. You hear about it all the time.”

“Yeah, to other people. This is me. I’m talking about
me
.”

“Sorry.”

He looked hard at me. “Listen, Guy. Promise me one thing. Promise me you’ll always use a rubber when you fuck a girl. Okay? Don’t do like I did. It isn’t worth the extra pleasure.”

“Sure, Jack. I promise.”

“That’s all I wanted to say, I guess. That, and showing you my bike.”

I thought how little likely it was that I would ever have to fulfill the promise, for I was protected by something so much more powerful than a mere rubber sheath. He would laugh himself silly if he ever learned.

“It’s getting dark. Should we head back?”

“All right.”

Without another word we walked back to the bike and returned to town.

*

As he was about to drop me off in front of my house, I noticed two boys walking down the sidewalk. Jack, too, was peering in their direction.

“Who are they?” I asked.

“One of them looks like Mark Warren.”

“Who’s the guy with him?”

“Guy named Alex Benniker.”

“Never heard of him.”

“Plays basketball for St. Mary’s. Good player, too. I didn’t know he was one of ‘them,’ though. Just goes to show—you never can tell.”

“Yeah.” We’d pulled up in my driveway, and I got off.

Mark and his friend seemed to be looking our way.

“Look at those faggots,” said Jack musingly. “In a way, they’re lucky, I guess. They can fuck each other all they want and not worry about anything.”

“Yeah.”

“I almost wish I was a faggot myself.”

“No you don’t, Jack. Don’t say that.”

“I know. Well, see you later, Guy.”

“Yeah.”

He pulled out of the driveway with a wave and shot down the street, roaring.

By now Mark and his friend were getting close. Alex was a tall boy with curly brown hair and he was bouncing a basketball lazily as he walked along, occasionally twirling around, feinting past imaginary opponents and shooting at phantom baskets. Beside him Mark was dangling a gym bag and laughing at his antics.

My first thought was to duck into the garage to avoid having to meet them. But after Jack’s confession, everything to do with Mark seemed so silly; my fear of his tempting me seemed so immature, so childish. Some of Jack’s sad maturity had rubbed off onto me, making me feel superior, above it all. I wasn’t afraid of Mark anymore.

As they approached me, Mark’s face froze and he stared straight ahead, looking right past me as if I weren’t there. Alex noticed this change in him and became cautious. This gave me confidence.

“Hi, Mark,” I said in an exaggeratedly friendly manner. I looked at Alex, then back at Mark in what I hoped was an insinuating manner.

Mark didn’t answer. As they walked past me, I noticed the glance they exchanged, and the subsequent look of suspicion Alex cast toward me. They continued on without a word, as if nothing had happened.

I looked after them, smiling, but felt a sudden surge of anger boil up inside me. My limbs ached with the desire for violence.

I wondered when they’d become friends. Mark had never mentioned Alex to me before. But of course it had nothing to do with me anymore. Mark was free to find a new friend with whom he could play his games. A new friend he could tempt in his bedroom.

The lousy faggots.

I felt the blood drain from my face.

I went into my house and locked myself in my bedroom. After I felt enough time had passed, I came out to the living room. I still knew Mark’s telephone number from way back in junior high school.

Mark answered the phone after a couple of rings. “Hello? Warren residence.”

“Mark? This is Guy.”

“Oh. How have you
been
?”

I winced at the fake syrupy tone of his voice; the irony in it sounded so contrived that I felt embarrassed for him. “I’ve been just fine, Mark. As if you didn’t snub me today.”

“Who’s the one who refused to answer my calls for the past two weeks?”

“I was busy.”

“Apparently so.”

“Since when were you friends with Alex Benniker?”

“Alex? What’s it to
you
?” He suddenly sounded defensive.

“Just curious. It’s just that I didn’t realize Alex was ‘like that’.”

“You don’t even
know
Alex, and here you are making accusations about him. I’m surprised at you. I thought you were the one who was so open-minded about people’s sexual preferences. Alex and I are just good friends.”

“Well, even if he’s not queer, I’m surprised he isn’t afraid of being seen with you.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Listen. I’m only telling you this for your own good. You shouldn’t be making yourself so obvious. A lot of guys in school would beat you up just for that. You’re taking a big risk.”

“I’m not worried. They’re just jealous, that’s all. Most bullies are just that—jealous. Like a certain bully I knew back in the eighth grade.”

“You’d better stop your insinuations—if you don’t want me to beat you up myself.”

“I thought you were over all that. Some friend you turned out to be.”

“Friend? You mean you still consider us friends?”

“Sure. I mean we can still see each other, even though you know about me. In fact, now that you know me for what I am, our relationship will be more honest.”

“Listen, Mark—you won’t….”

“What?”

“You won’t tell anyone about what we talked about in your bedroom, will you? I mean, I trust you on this. You have to give me your word. If anyone found out about it….”

“Am I hearing you right?”

“Listen, I personally don’t care if you’re gay. But other people might suspect something if I keep seeing you after knowing you are. That’s what I’m worried about. People might get the wrong impression.”

A near-hysterical laughter rang in the earpiece. It went on for a long time before he managed to control himself.

“So that’s it. Is that why you were so afraid of meeting me since then? I could have saved you all your worry if you’d only met me. Listen, Guy, I’m sorry about what happened in my room. I guess that’s what got you all upset. Don’t worry about it; I just got a little bit carried away—I must have misunderstood your signals.”

“Signals? I wasn’t giving out any signals. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He laughed again, this time much more gently. “Guy, you don’t know how silly you sound. But I can’t talk right now, my parents are home. Listen, anytime you wanna talk, just drop by. Both my parents work, so I have the house to myself on weekdays till seven. Come by whenever you want to. All right?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Bye, Guy.”

He hung up.

For some reason, the only thing I felt was relief; I felt exactly like a boy who’s been begging and begging a girl for a date, and she’s finally relented.

Boys Who Never Kiss and Tell

I was in the Sunnyside Mall looking for new clothes when I spotted Mark walking down the plaza. As I ducked behind a pillar to hide from him, I noticed he was with someone—Alex Benniker, again. They were talking together and laughing. Apparently they’d just finished watching a movie, for they were among a large crowd of people pouring out of the theater’s opened doors.

I watched them walk past the display window, then slipped outside and began following them. With all the shoppers in the mall it was easy to keep the two boys in sight without being seen myself. But when I tried to get close enough to catch what they were saying, it became too risky.

They seemed to be heading to the East parking lot. I’d parked my own car in the South parking lot, so it would be a little tricky to tail them once they’d gotten in their car.

As they left the mall by the East exit, I posted myself by the door and noted their direction. Scanning the rows of cars, I spotted Mark’s red MG. They were obviously heading toward it.

I made a dash toward the South exit and rushed out to my own car, got in, slammed the door and started it up. By the time I got to the East parking lot, Mark’s MG was just pulling out into traffic on Kennedy Drive. As I maneuvered my way toward the intersection, an old Volkswagen van suddenly backed out of a parking space in front of me, blocking my way.

I had to content myself with noting the direction Mark’s car took. I would never be able to tail it.

When I finally got to Kennedy Drive, I took the direction they’d gone, wondering where they might be going. For some reason, it had become very important to me to verify that the two boys were having a sexual relationship. But unless I virtually caught them in the act, Mark would be able to deny everything. I dreamed of catching them coming out of a motel room or something….

I’d been driving along for some time, keeping a sharp lookout for the tell-tale red color of the MG, before I remembered Mark telling me that both his parents were usually out during the weekdays. I cursed my own carelessness. If my guess was correct, Mark and Alex would be heading there right now.

I made a turn at the next light and doubled back toward Mark’s house. It seemed to take forever to get there. The first thing I saw as I pulled over to the curb was Mark’s red MG parked out in front of his house. I felt my throat go dry as I imagined the two boys inside the house, perhaps inside Mark’s bedroom.

I shut off the engine and began my wait.

But with the air conditioner off, it began to get uncomfortably hot. I rolled down the windows to let in a little breeze. From where I was parked, I could see Mark’s upstairs window. The curtains were open. That meant they probably weren’t in the bedroom. Or if they were, they weren’t worried about being seen.

I got out of the car and approached the house. It appeared to be all quiet. I suddenly pictured them in a very compromising position, and myself ringing the doorbell to strike fear into them.

I went to the front door and, peering around to make sure no one could see me, rang the doorbell. Even as I was standing before his door, I still wasn’t quite sure why I’d come.

The door opened and Mark was standing there. He didn’t seem at all surprised to see me. I had expected quite a different reaction—panic or confusion, perhaps.

“Guy. I didn’t expect you to drop in.”

“I guess not. Especially since you’re so busy now.”

“Busy? What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No I don’t. What’s the matter, Guy? You look agitated.”

“I saw you with Alex.”

“Oh?” He seemed amused. “Yes. I dropped him off at home just now. Why didn’t you say something to me?”

“Just friends, huh? I thought you said you and Alex were just friends. What were you doing going to the movies together?”

“Can’t two friends go to the movies together anymore without being accused of homosexuality?”

“He’s inside right now, isn’t he?”

“No way. No one’s here now but me, Guy.”

“Bullshit.”

“If you don’t believe me, you can come in and check. You don’t know how silly you sound.”

He stepped back to let me in. I stepped inside the hallway and looked around.

“Go ahead,” he said. “The living room’s that way, Sherlock Holmes….”

I peered around at all the downstairs rooms.

“He’s up in your bedroom,” I said.

“Go on up and check.”

“I’m not going up there.”

“Listen, the best way to find out is to call him at home, because that’s where he is right now.” He picked up the telephone on the sideboard. “I’ll tell you his number.”

“Never mind.”

In a taunting voice he said: “You know something, Guy? You sound like you’re jealous or something.”

“Jealous? Why should I be jealous? I ain’t the fag.”

“Well, you’re acting for all the world like a jealous lover. I didn’t know your feelings for me were that strong.”

“Get lost. Stop trying to deceive me with your stupid fag jokes.”

“But you forget—I
am
a fag. I can say those things now. At least, in front of you.”

I glared at him, but he only tisked his tongue.

“Listen. It doesn’t make much sense standing here and talking like this. Why don’t you sit down and make yourself more comfortable? I was just fixing myself a sandwich. Would you like one?”

My heart began to race but my voice, amazingly, remained quite calm. “You’re not gonna—try anything, are you?”

“Try anything? Like what?”

“Like make a pass at me like you did last time. It’s not gonna ever happen again, right? Because if it does, I’m gonna beat the crap out of you.”

He laughed. “Don’t worry. Nothing’s gonna happen that you don’t want to happen. After all, you’re stronger than me, aren’t you? How can I make you do anything against your will?”

“I guess you’re right.”

He looked at me questioningly. “Look, I don’t want to be enemies. I want to stay friends. Even though you seem to be so upset about my sexual leanings. How can I help that? I like boys. That’s all there is to it.”

I didn’t move.

“Why do you feel the need to bully me just because I like to suck dick?”

I felt a film come over my eyes. At his words, an erection began blossoming in my pants, so sudden and unasked for that it was painful. And something told me he knew of my predicament—that he’d purposely caused it with his provocative choice of words.

I swallowed.

Tiny shivers were passing through my body. The more I tried to calm myself, the harder my dick strained. I wondered if he noticed. When I looked at him there was an amused smile on his face. At once my defenses came up.

“What’s so funny?”

“The way you have your…you shouldn’t try to hide it like that.”

“I’m not trying to hide anything.”

“Yes you are. You have your hand cupped over it.”

“No I don’t.”

I moved aside my hand and looked down, and to my embarrassment, saw my excitement clearly outlined under my jeans.

Far from showing contempt, however, Mark was gazing thoughtfully, almost sadly at it. This calm scrutiny only made things worse. Despite all my mental entreaties I felt myself harden even more. “I can’t help it,” I said weakly.

I sat down abruptly to try to hide my embarrassment.

He said softly, “Don’t you find it difficult sometimes to keep from getting a hard-on, especially when you feel uncomfortable? Like in the locker room, changing for PE class? I mean, just the act of undressing is a turn-on, isn’t it?”

I thought of the rumors I’d heard about his getting hard in the showers back in junior high school.

“I can manage,” I said gruffly.

“Not everyone can.” He laughed. “But I don’t take PE anymore so I don’t have to worry.”

He looked at me for a while without saying anything. Then, out of the blue, he asked softly, “Tell me the real reason why you came here today.”

“I
told
you.”

“That isn’t it and you know it. I think I know the real reason, but you’re too scared to say it—maybe even too scared to think it.”

“And what is that, may I ask?”

“You want to take me up on my offer. Isn’t that it?”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

“You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.”

“Boy, are you ever wrong. You don’t know how wrong you are, Warren.”

“Oh?”

He stood by the coffee table regarding me with an enigmatic look, his weight concentrated provocatively on one leg.

“That afternoon in my room. You wouldn’t have minded, would you? If I’d gone ahead and done it.”

I didn’t trust my voice enough to speak.

“Well?” he prodded.

A strange feeling began to overwhelm me. It suddenly seemed as though everything was taking place in a dream. I felt remote, detached from it all, caught in the middle of a hallucination.

“I can’t figure you out, Guy.” His voice seemed to come from far away.

I could barely see his face. He came over and sat down on the sofa near me; I jumped up and moved to another chair. I wanted to run from the room but felt too weak to make the effort. I couldn’t budge from the room.

“Close the curtains,” I said. “I don’t wanna be seen here.”

“No one can see us here from the street. Besides, there’s a tree blocking the window.”

Feeling my mouth go dry, I whispered: “Close them.”

Tisking his tongue, he whisked the curtains shut, plunging the room into darkness. He walked over to the side-table lamp and switched it on. Its green shade bathed the room in a summery haze.

I took a deep breath. My heart was still hammering wildly, and little tremors were chasing themselves all up and down my body. I didn’t want him to see how nervous I was.

“What time do your—your parents come home?” I asked. My throat was all dry.

“We have the whole house to ourselves until seven tonight.”

I stared at the curtained window.

He sighed. “It’s so hot in here with the curtains closed.”

“Why don’t you turn on the air-conditioner?”

Ignoring me, he stretched both arms over his head and began peeling off his T-shirt. I watched it slip up and away, revealing smooth skin whose whiteness was blemished only by two button-like nipples, pale pink in color. Flipping the T-shirt away, he turned to face me. “That feels so much better.”

“Put your shirt back on, damn it.”

“Guy, you look so cute when you’re angry.”

“I said put your shirt on.”

“I don’t have to. It’s my house.” He sat down on the sofa. “Do you want to know the truth about me and Alex?”

“Yes.”

“Alex isn’t gay. But he’s very open-minded about certain things.”

“Meaning?”

“He lets me suck his dick.”

I felt my face flush. “Are you two lovers? Are you going steady or something?”

“No, silly. Like I keep telling you, it’s not like those boy-girl things. It doesn’t work that way with us. Besides, there’s a certain other boy I like more. I only wish he were more sympathetic.”

I didn’t say a word.

“Can you guess who he is?”

I swallowed.

“Will you at least let me sit down next to you? I’m not gonna bite you or anything.”

“No.”

He came over anyway and knelt on the floor near me, resting an arm on the chair but making no move. “Well, Guy?”

“Well what?”

“Won’t you let me do it to you?”

“………………….”

“Is it yes or no?”

I couldn’t say a word, so he pressed on: “I’ll do everything. You just sit there and let me do all the work.”

I shook my head.

“Well then just tell me this: is it completely out of the question? If not today, then some day in the future.”

I took another deep breath, feeling as if I were getting ready to plunge into ice-cold water. “It’s not com
plete
ly out of the question.”

“Well, if it’s not completely out of the question, that means it’s yes. Or is my logic getting confused by my desires?”

Before I could stop him his hand was moving toward my belt buckle. The speed with which he was getting down to business was dizzying. I stopped his hand. If he undid my pants, there would be no hiding my own desire.

“I can do it myself.”

Self-consciously I toyed with the fly. My fingers felt clumsy and unresponsive. I told myself it would be no different from undressing for PE class and tried to believe it. I remembered how shy I’d been the first time I had to get naked in front of other boys.

Seeing my hesitation, he sighed impatiently. “Here, let me do it.”

I let him undo my jeans and offered no resistance. He seemed unbelievably calm about the whole thing. Without the slightest trace of self-consciousness, and with a certain practiced skill, he pulled my briefs down and let my erection spring free.