For Tamara (6 page)

Yr Mum spent a long time studying myth. / What she would also call history, occult, religion, and magic. / I don't want to teach it to you. / Yet, I know you will have your own. They will likely be no worse or better. / But a mystery is just something we do not understand. / But there are a few things that are useful & common: study the stars, planets, the sun, & moon. / Read a solar flare. / A flare my dear tells you so much more than cards, or a stick. / Those tell you what you already know. / Explain the aurora borealis.

I'm trying to get out of seeing him. / Frankly, I'm lonely enough / to forget your Father (for a time). / In this case “or worse.”

When I sit here waiting for you I just remember: I love my husband so much. Please, please let him come home safe to me.

I'd like to fall in love again. The old school way. The way where I take just one look. (I'm sorry.)

Hate the chicken dance at weddings / my girl, yeah. / Names of plants are important / like people. / You puking at the prom.

The mural on your wall. / I started that day / finished between patients. / That sea! / There was so much life.

I want to tell you not to worry. / Not for you, me, or your Dad. / I wish I could sing to you more. / You're lucky in that you have nothing to miss.

Being left in this world, / with random luxuries / a fake fireplace. / Here I am making you a calendar. / My darling T.

I can't stand that I reflexively reach out with / my left hand for you.

We used to say / during blackouts / when we lost electricity / 9 months later: babies. / Your Dad wasn't here for the 1st blackout. / But you were, T.

I cry about you sometimes. / Then I remind myself this is it, / to stop being such a sillyhead.

Your Dad is extraordinary. / Love him for that. / You can eat Mayday berries.

She kicks / like you in your sleep.

The worst ones were on
tv
. / One by one, the time has come. / But yeah, now I'd like to know. / We're growing this garden without you. / In a bunker / you / at work. / I wonder about your lab. / You left me here with winter & sickness & I have to grow tomatoes. / We dance over one. / We'd love those rations about now.

I want to tell you she is glorious and beautiful. / I want to write you postcards. / I want security clearance / if that matters now.

I know I used to rant at you for a site going down. / But now, I really need to rant about a water pump. They're being moronic dickwads.

You got me. / I will give you anything for her. / My darling dearest. / But you are running a fever / someone should really look at that leg.

You know why you are in this book, right? You were going to work at a Lab. It was half underground. I don't have your clearance, but there is no one to watch over me now, so I know you are likely alive. I also know you are in a structure that makes outside communication nearly impossible, especially now. In short: you are in it as I think you are alive. Plus, T. has to know her father. (I wish you were here to tell me what you wanted her to know).

Yeah, because he would.

T.: Have family dinner. / I never much did that / but it really is important.

I know I should be telling you to make sure you brush your teeth. / But I trust you want your teeth. / So T., I get to be sappy.

When you learnt screaming didn't help / no matter who was listening.

Half the bed is for you, / My Beautiful Idiot.

Whenever anyone said you were never around, I usually just smiled. I wasn't like I didn't know that was the deal. I never understood those couples that went to the market and bought food for the dinner they had planned that night: don't get me wrong, that sounded great, but it wasn't for me. Time apart gives you something to talk about. Plus, you get time apart.

But I did get a few e-mails a day, at least. Even if half were in our little code of song lyrics and fictional sounds and lord knows.

I didn't cry the day it happened. / I remember watching the news / then mostly went through my day.

I still feel like I'm betraying you. / After all these years.

There are two things I love more than myself. / And T., you are one.

He was, is my husband. / So no, this isn't like any other problem. / He wasn't just anyone else.

I need you to prep for amputation. / No, we don't have the time or supplies. / We have to cut and run. / Now go!

T., on that day I looked up “how to make a candle”; sadly, due to a grade school trip, I can — with wax. Everyone just wanted to scent it.

They need to be stripped & washed. / Their car needs to be blocked off. / Thyroid meds (Potassium Iodide) & narcs. / No discussion on this one.

I watched the explosion on
tv
, / heard the commentators nearly crying. / That was the first sign.

Teaching your kid to write in numerous languages is far harder than it sounds. / We all need help.

Who put me in charge? No one. But you are happy to take it from me. I currently run a hospital & school at the end of it all. Give it a go. / Trust me.

I am scared. / I know I don't tell you. / But that is pretty much my job, T.

Yr Mum evolved such that she loves small spaces / good vantage points / sleeping at weird hours. / Love me anyway, ok?

I reach back to you.

I know you said Time only goes one way. And that is why I know you, if only you fix this.

You all slink out tonight so I can / quiet, dive into the sky.

Schrödinger's cat: you explain it to your kid. / I have shit to do.
btw
That is me losing my temper. / Sorry. / I will explain, just not now.

I don't know what happened. / But it was bad. / And it was time to fortify the house. / Always sleep with your back to the wall / with a line in sight. / No windows / shallow roof if you can. / I wanted a supply list of meds and weapons. / Secondly, I wanted someone with paint to paint a cross on the house to mark it a hospital (and help me board it up).

T., your Dad worked all over the world. /
cern
,
lhc
, Arecibo / and a handful of National Labs where he is now. / If he ever reads this tell him, I never settled. / Not once.

I will never be able to replace teaching you myself how to spot a satellite. / Even the Big Dipper. / Darling, know I would if I could.

Any object that has significant mass can be a “straight edge.” / Never only depend on rulers.

My Mother would stay up to laminate things. / I get that now. / No one should have to make a star chart from scratch.

My Idiot, there are worse things in the world than your
iq
& crazy. / Pls trust me on this one.

You were always gone. / But you were always, always coming back. / Husband of Mine: use that brain of yours: / come back. / And yes, anytime is a fucking picnic.

There are different types of stars based on size / how they die or collapse. / Some are like the sun. / Larger ones: white dwarf. / The neutron star: creates a black hole. / But before they die, / they swell: / a red giant. / Then there are supernovas/ae. As a very great man once said / and I'm pretty sure your Father could explain to you far better / “you are made of star stuff.” / The iron in our body is from a star that died. / Even the oxygen.

My Beautiful Idiot, / what I wouldn't give to be with you would take a googolplex of pages / but unless I make them, / they aren't here. / But she misses you. / I tell her stories about you / and she misses you. / If you are alive, use all that tech to find us, ok? / Fuck the world. / Husband of Mine, today is for me. / First crop. I'd swing it in your face. / Don't you dare do this to me. / Not again.

When I say, when anyone says, “get down”: Do. You hear gunfire — hit the ground & cover your head. / Because I love you, Tamara.

T., / my darling dearest, / you'll be okay. / In fact you'll be brilliant. / And you never needed me for that. / Goodbye, my love.

My grandfather gave me a keyboard. / The first song I learned was “Silent Night.” GAGE.

I'm writing F=ma in your Dad's shirt. / I think he would be proud, of my attempt at least. / He could do this far better than I. / I got languages.

I had this dream:

I said “I love you” by accident. The kids, everyone was packing, leaving, and you kissed me. You nodded, smiled.

We were packing. The cars were out front. I was at the third-floor window when I waived.

I said I was staying. I did not mean to hurt anyone. You held my hand and stayed out of sight. But they knew. She knew.

Wood furniture.

Tamara, you will watch me die. / This will be your responsibility. / All. / No, it isn't fair. / This was never fair.

T., know he isn't Dad. / Dad isn't here. / Play nice. / Yes, of course I wish yr Father were here / but he's just not. / Mum is lonely too.

I've been writing so many things for you, / I can't tell what I've done already. / No orb-weaving spiders here are poisonous.

I dealt with so many of your traits / & I never questioned them. / My geniuses. / And yes, T., / you most surely are one.

You left / and here I am / calling in the troops. / Your daughter would like a photo of you. / I tell her you are helping. / I hope you are still alive.

T., use that star map well. / Know the stars will change & move. / Know Orion is set to go nova.

My life is a miraculous disaster.

Because what he does is more remarkable than remembering my birthday. / Not that I wouldn't like that, / but I forgive it. / Rather traditional.

There is an image. / Me kissing my hand / turning it out to send it to you.

Your Father had me move all over the world. / Now I'm just trying to make one safe place for you.

Tamara, / you keep fucking working / always fucking working. / You take breaks to cry. / But you always keep fucking working.

T., as a kid I used to talk to myself on my way to school. / Writing this book has me doing this again. / You're making me myself again.

I know, darling, / I could wake up every day at 7 and have a shower and put my hair up and go for a run. / That is never going to be your Mum.

I'm annoying. / I kiss you over and over / because you are a miracle, Tamara / forgive me.

You know I'm telling you all this / for when (not if) / I die. You're going to have to keep on / and if your Dad gets here / slap him for me.

Should I be telling you about
Cinderella
or
The Little Mermaid
/ or should I be writing new fairy-tales. / I wish you could tell me.

Mum's tired of explaining everything she can think of. / She misses home, Dad, / and for this not to be her job. / She wants a day off.

There are other ways to test for and treat / infection. / Smell, infections smell. / All kinds of smells. / Cut it out. / Dress it up clean.

Okay, I'm taking T. out to look at the moon. / You magically are looking up at it too, okay? / She'd like that. / As would I.

Learning how to say “no” is one of the hardest and most important things you can learn.

Your Mum is real good at reading people, / even in their sleep & dreams. / I do not wish this on you; / you should have a say.

Do you like your hand? / The rest of your arm? I am way too tired to do an amputation today. / Do you think that blood infection can wait? / My Darling Dearest, My Beautiful Idiot: know I will never, ever forget you. / Darling I am very, very tired. / Even if your Dad were here. / Simply too much work. / I need to sleep.

Tamara, suicides will not be uncommon. / I do not want you to think of them as irrational. / Try and help / but these people have lost everything they've got. / n times over.

I haven't written enough about how to protect yourself. / Don't scream. / Take a breath. / Jam a screwdriver in his eye.

I know after 9 years I'm supposed to be over you. / Sadly no one can compete. / Plus Tamara still wants to meet you.

I want to be able to reach my hand out / and have you hold it. / I know. / Not my biggest concern. / I would just like it.

Even when you were here, you would leave me scraps of paper with a note before you left for work. / I still have those. / Leave another.

T., ppl are going to remember and develop rituals. / Let them. / Yourself. / Just don't let them into the gov't. / Respect, but have law for all.

You know I would move the moon for you. / Although that would screw with orbit, tides, etc. / So at least a moon rock, / My Beautiful Idiot.

T., I'm sleeping in your bed tonight. / As much as I protect you / you make me able to.

Ok, teams: pharmacy;
hs
lab; latrine; water; food; fortification. Go.

He's my husband: he'll be fine. He married me. I think he can deal with this.

I have this life of extraordinary memories. It could be far, far worse.
I'd like to think you can hear me. / That we are looking at the same moon. / All that romantic crap. / But I just want you to send us a message, ok?

I end up sleeping on the sofa. / I have all these beds / but when I turn around / you aren't there. / No one is.

When I'm not wearing my wedding ring / for work, whatever. / It is because I still love my husband. / That does mean I don't care for you / but that I do still very much love my husband. / And yes, you may think that foolish / but I know that man and he is very much alive.

Climb up / past the treeline / as high as is safe. / Survey the land. / We could do with a map.

Shut up. / I don't care. / See this girl here? / Yeah, I have to teach her to survive. / So hush.

T., when you are really thinking of someone you miss / run the back of your thumb from the centre of your temple to the bridge of your nose. / No, it won't bring them back. / It is just what we do.

I hold you like a child. / But you can't be one anymore, T.

Smell is an excellent way to determine the type of infection you're dealing with. / Have the patient lick the inside of his/her wrist. Smell that.

Darling, sometimes there are simple questions about who you should be with. / Brush my hair?

T., I know you're going to want someone to take care of you. / But this is it, Darling. / Rest up. / You can do this.

Always repeat an order. / This is like a ship. / We can't lose anyone / and every order has to be understood.