For the Love of Alex (17 page)

“It’s good to see you too, my friend. Sorry I haven’t come by sooner.”

It was probably better that way. The last time they spoke on the phone, they argued. They exchanged a few emails since but a wall had been erected between them and neither seemed too anxious to climb it.

Leah wanted to reach out to Claire after she asked Alex to leave, but she didn’t how know her friend would react. She certainly did not want to hear any judgments or I told you so’s. She was reeling enough on her own. The last thing she needed was to see someone else feeling pleasure about a decision that was killing her slowly each day.

“Come on in, Claire.”

Claire stepped into the apartment. “Is Alex home?”

“Can I get you something to drink?” Leah offered as she went to the kitchen. That was an obvious attempt to avoid Claire’s question, and Claire was much too astute to let her get away with it. She followed Leah into the kitchen.

“Tea would be great. Thanks.”

Leah filled the kettle and waited. It didn’t take long for Claire to ask again.

“Is Alex here, Leah? If it is a bad time I can come back.”

There was never a good time. Not these days. There was nothing but bad times and worse times. Today was as good as it ever would be.

“Look, Claire. Alex is not here. In fact, he hasn’t been here in weeks. I asked him to leave.”

Claire’s eyes grew so large that Leah thought they might burst. “You asked Alex to leave? He started using again, didn’t he?”

No point in lying. “Yes. I wonder if he ever really stopped.”

“Oh, Leah. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for both of you.” Leah couldn’t hide her disbelief. “I know you think I was anti-Alex, but I wasn’t. He was destroying himself every day and I feared for you, Leah. I just didn’t want him to destroy you too. I wish I could do something to help Alex get better for his sake, but mostly for yours. He is sick and he won’t get better unless he chooses to. I didn’t want you to fall with him. I know I haven’t been the most supportive friend. Frankly, I’ve been a judgmental bitch most of the time. I’m sorry, Leah. If there is anything I can do for you now, I’m here. I will be here for you as long as you need me.”

That was the last thing Leah expected to hear, but it was the one thing she needed to hear. She hugged Claire and cried in her friend’s arms. Finally, she could unleash her pain. Someone could be there for her.

The whistling tea kettle broke up the tearful moment, but for the first time in weeks, Leah felt some relief. She poured them both a couple of mugs of jasmine tea and they went to the living room to talk. Finally Leah really talked to her friend, and Claire really listened.

“I can’t believe you’ve been going through so much. Don’t take this the wrong way, but is that why you’ve gained weight? Are you eating to cope? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your comfort food especially in times like this, but I know you’ve always been so conscious of your weight. I’m surprised you would allow yourself to gain a few pounds. I don’t mean that as an insult. You look great with a few extra pounds. Ugh. That probably came out the wrong way and I just made things worse, didn’t I? I seriously have foot-in-mouth syndrome. Look, eat what you want as much as you want. I will go buy you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s right now if you want.”

Leah erupted into laughter. It was a sound so foreign to her ears. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed or felt so carefree. This was so much better than crying.

“Oh Claire, I do love you.”

“I didn’t hurt your feelings?”

Claire looked so pitiful that Leah reached over and gave her a reassuring hug.

“I have gained weight and I will be gaining a lot more in the next six months.” Leah searched Claire’s face to see some sign of understanding, but Claire looked perplexed. “Claire, I’m pregnant. That’s why I had to let Alex go. I have to protect our baby from his addiction.”

“OMG! WTF!”

This might be the first time ever in Claire’s life where she was at a loss for words. “You’re speaking in text, Claire.” It was as if the shock robbed her of her ability to speak in normal English sentences.

“Wow!” Claire shouted.

Well, at least she was speaking in actual words now. “That was sort of my reaction when I found out. I was convinced I had an ulcer or a tumor. To my surprise, the doctor told me it’s a baby. I still didn’t believe her until I saw the sonogram and heard its little heartbeat. That made it so real for me. It changed everything. I knew then I couldn’t go on like this. The baby has to come first.”

“How did Alex react to the news?”

“Actually, he was happy. Once the shock wore off, we both were, but it wasn’t enough. He still chose heroin over us, so I had to let him go. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Part of me doubts it was the right thing to do. My mind says it was right, but my heart feels like I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

Claire reached over and hugged Leah. “I really admire you. You did the right thing girl, but I don’t know how you found the strength to do it. I don’t think I could have been so brave. I wish I would have come sooner, but I’m here now Leah for you and the baby. I like the idea of a baby. I get to be Auntie Claire. I hope it’s a girl. We can get our nails and hair done and I can teach her the art of designer shopping. There are Prada days and Louis days. Baby girl needs to know the difference. There is so much she can learn from her Auntie Claire.”

“All the important things in life?” Leah teased.

“Exactly.”

Claire stayed over most of the night as the women made popcorn and watched a couple of classic horror movies. Neither was in the mood for romance, but watching a gorefest was the perfect medicine for them.

Leah was sorry to see Claire leave, but at least now she knew her friend was back and she didn’t have to go through all of this so alone anymore.

Claire was so excited about the baby. She was already inquiring as to how old the baby needed to be for a manicure. Leah tried to tell her that there was a fifty percent chance the baby was a boy, but that didn’t matter to Claire. She explained that boys needed manicures as well. Leah wasn’t buying it, but she would save that debate for another day. There was plenty of time to worry about that stuff. For now, she just wanted to get through the rest of this pregnancy safely.

Dr. Lechter’s concerns about preeclampsia scared her more than she wanted to admit. She would do whatever it took to take better care of herself and the baby.

She went to bed shortly after Claire left. As usual, she slept holding on to Alex’s shirt. She may have asked him to leave, but she wasn’t quite ready to let go of him yet—not completely.

She awoke to a banging on her door. She looked at her alarm clock at it was 3:52am. She knew immediately who it was. She grabbed her robe and went to the door as soon as she could. The last thing she needed was for one of the neighbors to call the police. That already happened twice, and Alex was removed from the building both times.

“Alex, I’m here,” Leah called out to him.

“Hey babe.” His voice was so hoarse and raspy. It sounded painful to speak. Leah wondered if the rawness of his words was because of the drugs or his tears. Probably both.

“It’s late, Alex. Why are you here?”

She could hear him slide down the door as he sat on the ground. “It’s my birthday today. Happy birthday to me.”

She remembered. She never forgot his birthday. She didn’t expect to spend it with him, but she had hoped to see him even if just for a moment. There would be no going back, though. Nothing had changed. By the sound of his voice it was clear he was as lost as ever.

She still couldn’t see him. She couldn’t let him come home. She thought about sending him a present, but it seemed a bit trite under the circumstances. Besides, she didn’t know where to send it. Was he living in a motel, at his parents, or, God forbid, on the streets?

Leah slid down the door as well and clutched her knees to her chest as she listened to his heavy breathing. He wasn’t well. She could feel it with every fiber of her being. She wanted to open that door to him and let him in, but she couldn’t.

“Happy birthday, Alex.”

“I’ve officially wasted twenty-two years today. How many more am I going to waste, Leah? How many more do I have left? I’m so tired. Can I come in?” he asked. “Never mind. I don’t want to hear you say no. Can we just talk for a little bit? I miss your voice. I want to hear your voice today. Your voice reminds me that my life was worth something at one point. That maybe the entire twenty-two years wasn’t a complete waste. There was good in those years. There was you.”

“I don’t consider one moment we’ve shared to be a waste. You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever thought possible.”

“I’ve also made you more miserable than you ever should have been,” he acknowledged ruefully.

She couldn’t deny those words. “There’s been by far more good than bad. I want to believe there can be in the future too. It’s up to you, Alex. Choose our future over the drugs.”

He sat there so silently that for a moment she thought he’d fallen asleep. “The first time I celebrated my birthday was with you. It was that first day of school when I met you. I had woken up that morning and made a wish. I knew there wouldn’t be a cake or candles for me. Not in that foster home, but I still made a wish as I ate my cereal. I wished that I would finally have a friend. I wanted someone in my life who cared about me, cared what happened to me. I wanted to matter to someone. I didn’t want to be invisible anymore. I went to school that day and I saw you and I knew my wish had come true. You looked at me in the classroom. Not around me, not through me, but at me. You saw me. You were the first person in my life that really saw me. I felt reborn that day. I had finally come to life. It was you, Leah. You brought me to life. That was the first day of my life. That was the best day of my life.”

It was the best day of hers as well. At the time, she hadn’t known it was his birthday. She found out many months later. To make it up to him, she used her allowance and bought him a chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing. His favorite. And every birthday since, no matter where they went or what they ate, they ended the day sharing a chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing.

Today would be no different. “Wait a second for me, Alex. I’ll be right back.” She went to the kitchen and grabbed the small white bag she’d left in there earlier. She hadn’t known if he would show up today, but just in case, she wanted to be prepared. She opened the door. He was still sitting in the doorway. She sat across from him, not trusting herself to ask him in.

He looked so weathered. His eyes were glazed. His hands so swollen and scarred. He had lost more weight and looked so fragile, so broken.

 He deteriorated so much in just a matter of weeks. Part of her blamed herself. Maybe if she’d let him stay he wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Her eyes began to fill with tears and she knew she was powerless to stop them from spilling over.

Alex erased her tears with his scarred fingers. As usual, he could read her thoughts. “You did the right thing, babe. I was angry at first, hurt and scared, but in the end it was for the best. I don’t want you to end up like me, like this. The baby has to come first. I am not fit to be anyone’s father or anyone’s husband. I’m sorry I didn’t leave on my own and that I had to force your hand. Don’t feel bad for this. This is my own doing.”

Leah fumbled with the bag in her hand and finally just handed it to Alex. Her eyes were so blurred from tears. She didn’t expect this reaction from him. Usually he was angry when he visited or hurt, but never so accepting, so resigned. This reaction scared her more. It was like his fire had been extinguished. Not even a spark of hope remained.

He opened the bag and saw the cupcake. That brought a brief smile to his face. “Will you share it with me?”

She could see the tears in his eyes and his desperation. He expected rejection, but she would not deny him this. Not today.

“First bite for the birthday boy,” she spoke, easing some of the tension. Alex took a bite and then offered it to her. She bit into the cupcake, savoring the rich chocolate but mostly just enjoying this moment with him. Right or wrong, she missed him. She loved him.

They ate the cupcake in silence, slowly trying to savor the moment. Eventually there was nothing left and she knew this moment, this truce between them, was over, but she didn’t want it to be. She was warring with herself and her heart was winning the battle. She wanted him to stay.

Before she could offer, Alex rose. “I have to go,” he spoke.

Leah scrambled to her feet. “You could…”

“No I can’t, Leah. I can see it in your eyes. We both know it would be a mistake. Don’t say the words. Once I hear them, I won’t be strong enough to walk away from you.”

She knew he was right even though she didn’t want him to be.

He placed his hand on the slight bulge at her waist. “Do you think it’s a girl or a boy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Claire is convinced it’s a girl. I think she just wants it to be a girl.”

“What do you want it to be?”

“I like the idea of a boy who looks like you or a girl who looks like you,” she smiled. “What do you prefer?”

“A healthy, untainted child. That’s why I need to go.” Alex stepped further into the hallway, reinforcing the distance between them. “Look Leah, I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s very likely that I won’t be around much for this baby. I do love it, though. Please. Don’t let this child grow up thinking I didn’t care. No child deserves to grow up feeling like its parents didn’t care.”

They both had grown up feeling that way. Alex abandoned by his parents while she was forgotten.

“My words might not be enough. Your actions would make all the difference, Alex. Just be there for us. Show this child that you love him or her.”

He nodded, but she could see the resignation in his eyes. He wasn’t planning to be around and it was time for her to plan to raise this baby alone.

He turned to leave but then he stepped back in the doorway and grabbed Leah’s shoulders, tugging her to him. As if fearing she would reject him, he fused their lips together, holding her so close that she couldn’t push away even if she wanted to. She didn’t want to, though. She wanted this kiss as much as he did.