For You Mom, Finally (8 page)

My colleagues at
Gourmet
—Doc Willoughby, Larry Karol, Richard Ferretti, Bill Sertl and Robin Pellicci—who pitched in every time I said, “I can’t do that because I’m working on the book.”

My brother, Bob Half, who has always been the best big brother anyone could ever have.

My guys, Michael and Nick Singer, who are endlessly supportive.

Above all, my editor Ann Godoff, who saw exactly what this book should be even when I did not. She kept saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll get it right.” Great editing is a great gift, and it is one for which I am truly grateful.

And as always, thanks to the MacDowell Colony, where I started working on what eventually turned out to be this book. It is, perhaps, my favorite place on earth.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. The stories that Ruth Reichl shares of her mother Miriam and her adventures are affectionately known as the “Mim Tales.” What are some of the stories that your family would call Mim Tales? Have you ever considered writing them down for the future generations of your family?

2. Reichl’s first book,
Tender at
the
Bone,
opened with a whopper of a Mim Tale—Miriam accidentally poisons a few dozen people at a party. Later, Reichl “could not keep from thinking that I had betrayed my mother.... I wanted to make it up to her” (p. 5). Was there a moment in your life when you let slip a secret, or shared a story that felt like a betrayal? How did you make it up to that person? Was it ultimately forgivable?

3. At sixteen, Miriam received a letter from her father that outlined her perceived strengths and failings: “You are a dear girl ... and you have a fine mind. But you will have to resign yourself to the fact that you are homely. Finding a husband will not be easy” (pp. 19—20). Instead, Miriam was encouraged to study abroad, to improve her mind, while her more beautiful sister stayed at home to cultivate social status. In your own life, are there choices you have made that were directly influenced by the perceptions of others? Were they the right ones, or did they lead to regret?

4. As Miriam reaches her late twenties, the pressure to marry becomes nearly intolerable. Even today, many young women worry that they will be condemned to a life of spinsterhood. Why, when most women are able to support themselves, is there still such a compulsion to marry? What are some of the stereotypes unfairly assigned to unmarried women? If you are married or unmarried, envision the opposite for yourself. In what ways would your life be more difficult? In what ways would it be more fulfilling?

5. After World War II, “all those smart, competent women sat at home, twiddling their thumbs and telling their daughters how much they had enjoyed working during the war” (p. 52). Why was the male establishment so keen to have women return to the kitchen? It is widely known that even now, equal pay for equal work is not much more than a catchphrase. What can women do to encourage more equality between the sexes?

6. Ruth and her mother Miriam often have a strained relationship—much like the one Miriam has with her own mother. Do you recognize your own relationship with your mother in these experiences? If you have a daughter, what is the relationship between you and your daughter like? Why do women tend to resent their mothers (on varying scales, of course)?

7. Miriam wrote a letter to the newly married Ruth, yet it was never opened. In it, she posed a question to herself: “Why did I always do what my parents felt that I should do and not listen to my own feelings” (p. 90)? Having finished Ruth’s portrait of her mother, can you answer that question for Miriam? What can you see in her upbringing and personality that may have caused this disappointment with her own life?

8. “Believing that work, beauty, marriage, and motherhood were the forces that shaped her destiny, she tried to teach me how to do better at each of them than she had” (p. 108). What are the forces that shaped your destiny?

9. Miriam was determined to give Ruth a different kind of life than the one she had. Did she succeed? In what ways?

10. With this in mind, do you believe that Miriam’s unhappiness with her own life is unfounded? Do you think she expected too much?

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