Forbidden Love (7 page)

Sawm, fasting, is also known as Ramadan and is celebrated in the ninth month of the Muslim calendar, and commemorates the revelation of the Koran to Mohammed. It is a month that tests human discipline. During Ramadan, all Muslims are required to abstain from sex and from letting anything pass through their lips from dawn to dusk, including water and cigarettes. It is against the law to be seen eating or drinking outdoors during the day, regardless of your religion.

Finally, Shahada is the profession of the faith and is the basic tenet of Islam: “La ill aha ilia Allah Mohammed rasul Allah’ (there is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is the prophet).

Since Jordan is a Muslim country, it is not surprising that although I am not a member of that religion, my family and I had to live according to Muslim law. In the world of Islam, Christian and Jewish inhabitants of a Muslim country are referred to as dhimmah (the protected minority). We are not an enemy exactly, but closely watched second-class citizens. Living protected as a dhimmah does not come free. According to Islamic law, non-Muslims must meet five conditions. First, they must pay the jizyah, a poll tax, in order to protect their rights. Next, they must not harm Muslims, have any sexual engagement with Muslim women, steal the property of Muslims, nor cooperate with the enemies of Islam. The list goes on. We non-Muslims must not be flagrant with prohibited things, such as intoxication, adultery, and incest. We must not build new churches or temples, or sound church bells. We must not build any building taller than one belonging to a Muslim, as this would disgrace our neighbours.

If we break the rules, violence is evoked. Non-Muslims who break the conditions of their protection are considered muharib (hostile), justifying the declaration of a. jihad (holy war) against them. Muslims are required to fight if they believe that non-Muslims have rebelled against the law. They are taught to take up the sword and advance to the point that non-Muslims, fearing for their lives, say, “We are Muslims’ or “We will retain our own religion, and will carry on our own way of worship, but we will publicly follow the laws of Islam.” If this happens then the non-Muslims are once again dhimmah and therefore safe. If, however, they refuse to state this, then Muslims must ‘cleanse the world of (the non-Muslims’) existence’ in order to

preserve Islamic society and maintain the integrity of the faith.

The Koran, the Muslim holy book, refers to the early prophets of the Bible and the Torah, but that’s where the similarities end. Muslims believe that the Koran is the literal word of God as it was communicated to Mohammed in a series of revelations during the early seventh century. Mohammed was born in Mecca in a modern-day Saudi Arabia in AD 570 and began receiving revelations in AD 610. he moved to a nearby town in 622 because the powerful families of Mecca had grown increasingly outraged by his claims. This migration, or Hejiri, marks the beginning of the Islamic calendar. Mohammed’s followers returned to Mecca in 630 and took it by force, the first jihad in Muslim history. By 644, Muslims had taken Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, and Israel and spread into North Africa, Spain, and France. I know that Christianity’s hands also drip with blood. But from the first jihad, Islam’s history is one of wars and death in the name of the faith.

The Islamic legal code is divided into two parts: ibadat and mu’amilat. Ibadat (the intention of intimacy with God) is required of all Muslims. Hajj, prayer, fasting, alms-giving, good deeds, prevention of evil deeds, and, finally, jihad are all considered ibadat. And here again the call to war and violence is embedded and codified. There are rules about how these acts should be performed, and for what reasons. For example, if a man grabs a sword and sets off to fight non-believers without doing so for the pleasure of God, he will not be rewarded, but if he does so with ‘divine intention’ then he is considered shuhada (a model) for the entire community and will be rewarded by God. In the Koran, whenever there are the commands qatilu (wage war) andjahidu (struggle), there is also the order

it sabil Allah (strive in the way of God). Muslims claim that Islam is the true religion because it has not disregarded the necessity of warfare.

The other part of the Muslim code, mu’amilat, focuses on interpersonal relations on private lives and contains laws instructing and regulating every possible aspect of life, including how to appoint a Mujtahid (a jurist who must be male and is the equivalent of a judge); restrictions on what type of water (tap, rain, or well-water) are permissible for personal use, for cooking, and for washing; which types of soaps or gels are acceptable, and which are prohibited; and how and when to use the lavatory, and the correct way to clean yourself afterwards. It lists things that are considered najis (evil, unclean) and explains how to make them pak (acceptable and clean) or warns to avoid them. It is this section of the law, which states that a non-Muslim is najis and should be avoided, that was relevant to Dalia and me as Michael entered our lives. If contact is unavoidable, for example if a Muslim is forced to shake the hand of a non-Muslim in business dealings, it lists the steps a Muslim must follow to cleanse himself of this taint of evil.

A woman’s every move is well-covered by mu ami lat There are rules for marriage, divorce, sex, sleep, food, death, burial, bank transactions, and the purchase or sale of property and personal items. And, of course, it states that men are superior to women.

Islamic laws make no distinction between Muslim and non-Muslim women. The Jordanian government, however, distinguishes between the two. For instance, non-Muslim women are expected to dress conservatively, covering as much of their bodies as they can, and to avoid tight-fitting clothing. Muslim women, however, must abide by the following, much stricter, law:

A woman should conceal her body and hair from a man who is Nah-Mahmm (unrelated), and as an obligatory precaution she should conceal herself even from a Na-Baligh boy (young) who is able to discern between good and evil and could probably be sexually excited, but she can leave her face and hands (up to her wrists) uncovered in the presence of a Na-Mahram as long as it does not lead him to cast a sinful evil glance, or to her doing something forbidden; for in both these cases she must cover them.

It is from this law that Dalia’s shar’ia derives. The traditional dress is a loose-fitting garment that comes only in colours accepted by Islam; no bright colours are allowed. It can be worn on its own or over other clothing and has a high collar, long sleeves, and is long enough, in most cases, to fall just below the ankles. While I could grow up to wear modest skirts and trousers, Dalia had been forced to wear the shar’ia since she was ten. While I could wear my hair loose on the street, her veil would cover her head. But once inside the salon, she would change it for a small, less shrouding one.

Muslim women are not allowed to use cosmetics or nail polish, except under certain conditions specified by law, while Christians are allowed to wear cosmetics as long as our fathers permit it. A Muslim woman can use cosmetics when it is for the pleasure of her husband, when she is among other women, and when she is among men whom she cannot marry, such as her brother, father, or son. Dalia and I usually dabbled in cosmetics, practising make overs on each other, and as long as we did it in private and she removed all traces of the make-up before returning home, it was not forbidden.

In itself, nail polish is not hara am forbidden. However, if it is used during wudhu (preparation for prayers) and impedes the flow of water to the fingernails, then it is not allowed. Moreover, if the nail polish is alluring to a Na-Mahram, then it becomes hara am

Islam claims that the Koran specifies all that is necessary for a person’s spiritual and physical well-being. Since we (Christians) were required to follow their (Muslims’) laws, people notice very few differences between our public behaviour and that of our Muslim neighbours. Dress, nail polish and make-up are visible differences. But they are only on the surface. The deeper disparities are only revealed in the privacy of our homes, when we are with our families.

There were differences between my household and Dalia’s. Dalia, for example, was never allowed to join her father or brothers for a meal. When they had company, everyone ate at the same time, but the women were in one room, usually with the young children, and the men in another. My family didn’t Mow this custom. Men and women were allowed to eat together, but the women were expected to serve the men, and could not begin eating until the oldest male had started. Dalia and I were both expected to cook the meals and clean up afterwards, although our mothers usually prepared the evening

meal.

Also, there were certain rooms in Dalia’s home designated for men, and she was only allowed in them when no men were present, and then only to clean them, whereas in my house we were all allowed to enter every room regardless of whether or not there were men in them. Everyone had to wake up before sunrise in Dalia’s house so they could perform their morning prayers. They could return to bed afterwards, but only if they

got up again before noon prayers. In my home, we were not required to wake up at a particular time, just early enough to meet the demands of the day’s schedule.

These small differences between Muslims and Christians were barely noticeable to us, and yet the divide, though not publicly stated, goes much deeper than this. It comes from a firmly held prejudice, embedded in the heart of the Muslim religion. While the Koran does not specifically state that you must stay away from Christians, it calls all non-Muslims unbelievers, or the unfaithful. Woven into many of its passages are phrases and comments declaring the superiority of Islam over Judaism and Christianity in particular,

and suggesting that faithful Muslims should avoid personal relationships with members of those religions:

Oh ye who believe! Take not for friends unbelievers rather than believers.

They desire that you should disbelieve as they have disbelieved, so that you might be (all) alike; therefore take not from among them friends till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah, but if they turn back then seize them and kill them wherever you find them and take not from among them a friend or helper.

This is the passage that gave rise to the rule that if anyone tries to leave Islam and convert to another religion, he or she shall be put to death.

Those who believe do battle in the cause of Allah, and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of Evil; so fight ye against the friends of Satan (minions of the devil).

In this verse we (all non-believers) are referred to as friends of Satan. Had Dalia and her family honoured this, we would never have been friends.

Bigotry, discrimination, and male chauvinism are not just implied in Islam, they are an integral part of Muslim law. It is a religion that caters to men’s desires and demands the total submission of women. This prejudice was at the root of the laws that made a relationship between Dalia and Michael a

crime.

There is even a stipulation that would have prevented Dalia and Michael from getting to know each other without secrecy and subterfuge even if they had both been Muslims. According to the rules that apply to both Muslims and Christians, dating is impossible for either religion. Although it is not specifically banned, you’d have to break several Koranic laws in order to date. For example, it is hara am (prohibited) for a man and women who are not Mahram (related) to be together if no one else is present, as it could lead to immorality and scandal. Over the years, this law has grown to mean that a woman is not allowed anywhere in public or private with an unrelated male and must always be accompanied by a male relative. So, when a woman is seen entering a public place, people assume that the man escorting her is a relative; it is rare to see any women around town unaccompanied by a male, especially in the evening. If you do spot one or two single women, you can be sure they are either tourists or modernized Christians, though most Christian households have yet to advance that far. Certainly not mine.

But even if a couple managed to surmount the challenge of getting to know each other, the old prejudices so infect the laws of marriage that the barriers could never be overcome.

A spontaneous romance the Western idea of marriage for love defies the old practice of arranged marriage, another tradition that can be traced back to the time of Mohammed’s Carriage to the child, Aisha, which was arranged by her grandfather. The laws governing arranged marriages are

very clear: \020If a person proposing marriage is known for his virtue and faith, then it is recommended that his proposal should not be rejected. The Prophet is reported to have said: “Whenever you receive a proposal for marriage to your daughter from a man whose virtue and piety pleases you, then give him her hand in marriage. For if you do not do this way, great scandals and lapses will fill the earth.”

Arranged marriages can be either temporary or permanent, and can be arranged by either a grandfather or a father, but not by a brother. Although most arranged marriages occur in Muslim households, all Arabs follow this tradition. Many families claim that they allow a woman to make the final decision about her marriage, but this is just not so. In truth, if a woman decides that she doesn’t want to marry a certain man, a verse from the Koran is invoked, which ultimately voids her decision and leaves the final choice up to her father. The verse states that one should fear one’s father in the same way one would fear a cruel king, and that one should give priority to his desires over one’s own. In essence, a father only has to state that it is his desire for his daughter to marry a certain man and she is required to oblige.

In Jordan, the laws that apply to marriage were a minefield of dangers for Dalia and Michael. For instance, a Muslim

woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man and a Muslim man cannot permanently marry a non-Muslim woman who is not Ahlul Kitab (Jewish or Christian). There are certain sects, such as Khawarij, Ghulat and Nawasib, who claim to be Muslim but who are classified as non-Muslims. Muslim men and women cannot contract a permanent or temporary marriage with them. In essence, a Muslim man can marry a non-Muslim woman, but a Muslim woman does not have the same privilege. Muslims believe that children are the property of the father, since they carry his name. If a Muslim male marries a non-Muslim female, his children are Muslim. However, if a Muslim woman marries a non-Muslim man, her children would belong to her non-Muslim husband and so the union is prohibited.