Forever for a Year (32 page)

We didn't talk much at first. It was cold. Really cold, but neither of us wore gloves or hats. It was snowing for the first time all season. It was very pretty but also like we were not in real life. Like the snow was in our minds.

As we walked, Trevor would squeeze my hand whenever he looked at me, which was like him saying he loved me without words, which made me realize how happy I was that we had sex. Because you read all these stories about a girl's first time with a boy she doesn't care about or who doesn't care about her, but Trevor and I were the most-in-love first love ever. If something happened between us and we broke up—nothing would, but just if—then I'd still be happy he was my first.

Eventually, Trevor started talking and he seemed like he just needed to talk so I listened. Girls did this lots, but I'd never seen a boy need to just talk. To, you know, vent. But he was saying how the world is filled with craziness and that if you don't see how crazy it is, you'll be swept whichever way the craziness tells you to go, and if you do realize how crazy it is, you'll be so sad that none of it makes sense and you won't know how you can live.

He was being so deep and interesting and it was something I had never seen in him. I liked it. I did. I had worried he was boring. That's not true. I guess I started to think we had talked about everything we could ever talk about and WE had become boring. But now I realized there was so much more inside both of us and that we could go on forever finding out what was there.

But it was also sort of scary. I was afraid he couldn't keep breathing and walking and talking at the same time. Like he would just fall down and pass out at any second because all the ideas that were inside him were sucking his life away.

So I stopped him, and I hugged him, and I said, “I love you more than ever,” and it felt different to say it today. Like not only that I meant it, but that I meant it in a way that I understood for the first time. I think Trevor could tell because he stopped talking and hugged me back and we held each other a long, long time and it felt perfect.

Then he got hard and we started kissing and we decided we could go to the golf course, which was closed because it was winter, but would have trees we could hide in. So we got there and he took off his jacket and I lay on it and took off my pants and he pulled down his and we had sex even though we didn't have a condom. I was sore, but it felt better than yesterday. I just loved him so much and, today, our bodies felt like they loved each other as much as our hearts.

“Don't go inside me,” I said, and he nodded and then, as if me saying it sped him up, he pulled out and went on my stomach. It was gross but it was better than getting pregnant.

*   *   *

We were both freezing now so we walked to Roth's Diner and ordered hot chocolate, french fries, and soup. We sat next to each other in the booth instead of across, and I didn't notice anyone else in the restaurant even though it was filled with old people for the early bird dinners.

After Roth's, we walked to the movies and watched a horror movie that made me sick to my stomach. So I closed my eyes and went to sleep. After the movie was over, Trevor said, “Want to go to a hotel?”

“What about our parents?” I asked.

“I don't care about my parents.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don't,” he said, and I could tell he meant it.

“My parents would never let me.”

“Why should our parents be able to tell us what to do?” he asked.

“Because they're our parents.” I felt like such a kid saying that, but it was true even if Trevor's answer sounded cooler.

“Just because they made us doesn't mean they know what's best any more than we do.”

“We can't, Trevor. Someday. But we can't. Why don't we go to your house?”

“No. How about we go to a hotel but don't spend the night?”

“But that's so much money.”

“I don't care. I have my parents' credit card.”

“They'll get mad.”

“I don't care,” he said. Gosh, he was different. It was so intense, but sexy. Yeah, sexy. Maybe I knew what sexy meant now.

“Okay,” I said.

*   *   *

So we went to a Best Western, but they wouldn't rent to us because we weren't old enough. So we went to this local motel by the Home Depot. Trevor paid cash so they didn't ask for his ID. We went into the hotel, which smelled like the oxygen had died and rotted, and we both went to the bathroom, got naked, and got into bed. It was the first time we had been naked in a bed.

“You're my soul mate, Trevor,” I said just before we had sex again.

“You're my everything,” he said.

I forgot to tell him to pull out.

 

70

Trevor gives a gift card

I will never feel closer to Carolina or anyone than I felt with her in the motel Saturday night. Never. You can tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. But you don't know and I do. My whole existence will never live up to that moment. It's crappy to know that, but I still know it.

My dad got home Sunday. I didn't tell him about my mom's affair. What the hell could I say? He was clueless. I think he liked being clueless. But him being home made it possible for me to be in the house without wanting to kill my mom. It's like I knew she was someone else's problem again.

*   *   *

Finals sucked. I'm sure I failed every class. Carolina was stressed out. She said she didn't study nearly as much as she planned. I felt bad but she's so smart I was sure she'd get straight As.

I had three dozen roses—pink, white, and red—sent to Carolina's house Wednesday morning for her birthday. Maybe that was too much, but it didn't feel like enough so then I left a voice mail where I sang “Happy Birthday” when I knew her phone would be off. I also told her I'd have a special present that weekend. I didn't know what it would be, but it gave me a few more days to think of something.

*   *   *

All I wanted was to be with Carolina, so I didn't care about basketball but I couldn't quit. I should have quit. But I didn't. I had to play a tournament all night Friday after finals and all day Saturday and all I could think about was Carolina and having sex again.

That Saturday night, she came over and my parents were in the living room, which was torture. Carolina talked to them and I wanted to throw my mom outside into the snow and lock the door but I just went into the basement and let Carolina listen to their bullshit.

We had sex right away, with a condom since I had stuffed them under the couch cushion. Carolina kept saying, “This feels good,” which was good, I think, but maybe that meant it didn't feel that good before. It doesn't matter. It felt good now. It turned me on her saying that and I came.

After that, I gave her a gift card to Banana Republic as her last birthday present. I didn't even know if she shopped there, but it was next to the Apple Store at the mall so I knew where it was. I probably should have drawn her something again. She liked that gift so much. I'll do it for Valentine's Day.

I wanted to have sex again later, but she was tired so we just cuddled and fell asleep. My dad woke us up at midnight by pounding on the basement door. I wish Carolina and I lived together and didn't have to be apart ever.

*   *   *

The second semester started, and it wasn't until I was walking to health class that I realized I didn't have health class anymore, I had Architectural Design as the elective now. And then when I walked into the new class, I realized Carolina wasn't there. She had another elective. We never even discussed it. Strange, right? We wouldn't finish the school day together anymore.

 

71

Carolina texts the unknown

When I woke up on my birthday, there was a text waiting for me:

ALEXANDER TAYLOR

happy birthday, freshman

Alexander Taylor
. He had never sent a text after I told him not to. Until this one. I didn't know if I liked that he stopped or didn't like that he stopped. I almost texted him back “thanks” or something else, but then the doorbell rang and it was flowers from Trevor. I hate to say this—hate it!—but I was more excited about the text from Alexander than the million flowers from Trevor. It's not Trevor's fault. I expected the flowers. But the text was a surprise. It's nice to not know something's going to happen before it happens.

I had two finals on my birthday. How terrible is it to have to take tests on your birthday? When I got home that night, my parents took me out to a birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory. It was my favorite restaurant so it's where we went every year. I was always allowed to bring a friend to my birthday dinner and I had always brought Peggy. But we hadn't talked in years. Not literally, obviously, but it felt like it. I thought about bringing Trevor. My mom expected me to. But I asked Kendra instead and told my mom Trevor had basketball. Which was true, but he would have been done in time to go to dinner. So I guess I lied. But I don't even feel bad about it. Am I becoming a worse person or a better person? I don't even know.

At dinner, my mom asked Kendra, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

And Kendra said, “My dad said I can't have a boyfriend until I'm a sophomore.”

“That's probably smart,” my mom said, which made me feel like such a slut.

My dad said, because he always knows when my mom says stuff that hurts me, “Ellie—we love Trevor. I think Carolina having Trevor will be one of the most important things to ever happen in her life.” Which was true. So true. The truest thing ever. But because something's important, does that mean it's good? Yes. Right? I didn't know. I was so tired.

Kendra and I talked about soccer season and the new semester and other stuff. I didn't talk about Trevor much. I hadn't told Kendra or anyone that we had had sex. Maybe I should tell someone. No way I could tell my parents. But maybe Kendra. But later. I don't know. Kendra was amazing. But her not dating boys made her hard to relate to when it came to boys and sex things. She always said such smart things and always sounded so wise, but it's easy to be smart and wise about boys if you aren't in love with one.

So that night, after I got into bed, I texted Shannon Shunton. I hadn't texted her since a month after she disappeared. This is what I wrote:

ME

I had sex with Trevor

I was ninety-nine percent sure she wouldn't respond, but I figured it would make me feel better. You know, like writing to Santa Claus or saying a prayer. You knew no one would respond, but it felt better doing it just because.

But then someone DID respond. OH MY GOSH. Shannon Shunton was alive! Except the text was:

SHANNON SHUNTON

Who is this?

Could Shannon Shunton have forgotten about me? How could she forget about me? I would never forget about her. I didn't know what to think, so I just texted back:

ME

It's Carolina

And then I waited. So long. And then finally, another text came:

SHANNON SHUNTON'S PHONE

I don't know you. You have the wrong

number. Know who you are you texting

before you tell people your business.

My whole face burst into fire and I died. Not really. But gosh, did I feel like the stupidest person ever. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't sleep because I felt so sick and silly. But you know what else? Shannon Shunton's phone number had been taken over by someone else. Maybe that meant she really was dead. Maybe that meant not all stories had happy endings.

 

72

Trevor sends a secret note

I needed to stop my mom from seeing “Midnight Dog” again without telling her I knew. Or telling my dad. Or telling Carolina. So I typed up a letter that said:

STOP CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE

Then I wrote the address in block letters to hide my handwriting, took a long walk after dinner Thursday night to find a mailbox that was as far from my house as possible, and dropped it into the mail. Then I texted Carolina that I loved her because that's why I was doing all this secretive stuff. To protect her from the horrible crap adults do to their kids.

*   *   *

Licker was becoming my best friend at school because of basketball. He was the best player on the team and I was the best rebounder—rebounding is just about being crazy and relentless, which I guess I was—so the two of us together played almost every minute of every game. Even though I'd rather have sex with Carolina than play basketball, if I couldn't have sex with her all the time I guess basketball was better than masturbating or studying or even playing video games. Maybe not better than video games.

Aaron and Tor were still cool, but we didn't have any classes together and I didn't see them at cross-country practice anymore. Maybe when track started in the spring we'd be closer again.

We got our first-semester grades back and I got four Bs and two Cs, which is about as good at school as I had ever done. It was because Carolina and I had spent so much time studying on Sundays through the fall, even if I would have rather been hooking up. So I owed all my good grades to her, except she had gotten two Bs, when she had always gotten straight As in junior high, and even though she didn't say it, I knew she blamed me. I felt like shit. I'm poison. Carolina was perfect and could accomplish anything she wanted, but I was this destructive meteorite with all my demons and my mom's demons and I was going to ruin her life. If I was a selfless person, I would have broken up with her so she could be free of my crap. But I loved her too much to let her go.

*   *   *