Forget Me Not (7 page)

Looking perplexed at my coldness, he sits back in his chair. “Because I needed a fresh start.”

“From me?”

Hurt thunders in his stormy eyes and he shakes his head adamantly. “No, from me. I guess I wanted to leave who I was behind and be someone different.”

“Who you
was?
” I scoff. “You
was
my boyfriend. Is that person gone along with the name?”

“No, Mickey…I’m still…” Jesse shakes his head and looks away, seemingly searching for words. Little old lady innocently interrupts by clearing our plates. Thankfully, she doesn’t mention the sudden change in atmosphere. Although, she’s probably oblivious to the difference as Jesse still cups my hands in his. She shuffles away, still smiling.

“I thought we weren’t going to do this right now,” he mutters, lowering both his tone and eyes. I shrug in resignation. He can have his way and we’ll talk another time. Or so he says. I mentally add more questions to the list of things to discuss.

"I really need to be getting back," I sigh, releasing his hand as I stand up. He sighs responsively and stands, taking my hand again.

"Okay, Cinders," he teases, trying to encourage a smile but failing. We leave in silence.

Sitting in his car, he hesitates starting the ignition and then stops what he’s doing altogether. He looks up, disappointedly, I think.

"I’d offer to drive you back, but…I'm not sure I'm ready for Starling just yet," he mutters, studying the dashboard and refusing to make eye contact with me.

“Oh, okay.” I don't know what to say. I guess I shouldn't have expected him to take me home. Starling is in the opposite direction to where he needs to be. He lives in New York now, so that will take him almost three hours to get back and that's without taking me home first.

"Sorry."

"No, it’s fine. I'll get the train," I reply, not looking at him either. The awkwardness is impossible to ignore. What a shitty way to end our time together.

"No, I'll call you a cab when we get back to the hotel." Crap, that's going to cost me.

The journey towards our impending goodbye is a far cry from the cheerful drive we enjoyed just a few hours earlier. No music fills the car, neither does the silly arguing that accompanied it. The mood has considerably darkened.

My mind is tangled with even more questions in light of this new information. He changed his name, or at least chose a different name to go by. Nobody called him Lee in Starling. I suppose that's the point. He wanted a new life, and this little change helped to insure it. I recall all of the times that I searched for Jesse Jenner in phonebooks and over the internet. No wonder I could never find anything; he didn’t want anything to be found. He acted so perplexed by my reaction, as if he didn’t think it was a big deal. But, he doesn’t get it. To me, it just confirms how desperately he wanted to be someone other than the Jesse that I knew.
My
Jesse.

On top of that, I don't know when I will see him again. He says he's not going anywhere, but he’s just said that he can't go back to Starling yet, so where does that leave us? As I try to work it all out, I can’t imagine a scenario where I get to keep him in my life. We could perhaps keep it casual. I’m in New York increasingly with work so we could catch up when I’m there. My heart constricts at the very idea, that wouldn't be enough. The more I see him the more I’ll want to be with him indefinitely.

It’s impossible.

My bag has been collected from Jesse’s hotel suite and a taxi has been ordered. We’re standing outside in the parking lot, our hands to ourselves and our attention elsewhere. To see us now you’d never think there was anything between us. We couldn’t be further apart. I don't know why when all I want to do is cling to him and soak up every last bit of his brilliance, regardless of our uncertain future.

Jesse looks up from the concrete floor and stares at me, exploring my face with his bold blues and making me feel overly self-conscious. He’s tentative as he steps closer.

"What?” I ask, fiddling with my bangs, worrying that my hair has been battered so much from the wind that I’m actually sporting an afro. Reaching into his back pocket he pulls out his wallet, finds a small grey business card and hands it to me.

"Here's my work number, my assistants number, my home number and my cell. There’s my email address on the back too.” The latter two numbers have been added in pen, I guess he doesn’t give them out very often. I smile, knowing that he thought about it in advance. He pulls a slip of paper from his wallet and continues, “Here’s my home address for when you’re next in New York."

I take them from him and immediately put them in the zip compartment of my purse, terrified of losing the precious information. Inwardly, I laugh at the irony of now being able to reach Jesse in every conceivable way when I’ve spent the last ten years with nothing. Not even the right name.

"Do you want to call my cell so I have your number?"

"I have a business card too, ya' know," I say, giving him a poke to the chest in mock annoyance. I take a purple card from my purse and slot it into the front pocket of his pants. When he smiles warmly I feel a little apprehension leave us both. Now that we’ve established options to keep in touch our goodbye seems a little less daunting.

Only a little.

He takes my hands and pulls me near to him, finally allowing me the closeness that I’ve been craving. Just as our arms lock around each other the taxi cab pulls up next to us and lowers the window.

"Taxi for Ms. Cole?" asks the driver.

"Yes, erm, two minutes please," Jesse answers, frustrated, I think. The driver closes his window and waits impatiently, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel.

"You'll let me know when you get home safe, right?" Jesse asks as he slides my bag onto the back seat.

"Yeah," I say, fighting that damn lump in my throat again. “Wait.” Suddenly unsure where my phone is I reach over into the back of the cab and rummage through my bag, sighing with relief when I find it.

I turn back to Jesse, finding him stood by the driver's window. Fighting the feeling that this is a final goodbye I pray silently that he will be true to his word that he isn't going anywhere. His fingers lift my chin so that my eyes reach his and he kisses me with such tenderness that I almost cry.

"I'll speak to you later, okay?" he says, softly.

"Okay."

“I’ve had such a great time, sweets.” His voice is gentle against my ear, and then he pulls away to kiss my cheek. I’m not certain what his words mean, but it sure sounds like a goodbye.

“Jesse…” My mouth is covered with his own before I can ask, and even with its brevity, the kiss is enough to silence me. I sigh, defeated, and slink into the cab. The car pulls away and I watch Jesse grow smaller in the distance, all the while fighting the belief that this is the second time I have lost him.

Chapter 9

The light is beginning to turn a dusky pink in the endless sky that surrounds my parent’s picturesque house. As the taxi driver pulls up to the bottom of the steps he whistles in appreciation. This is the first time I’ve heard more than a breath escape his mouth for the entire drive and I’m glad. Through the silence I’ve managed to revisit the events from the last twenty-four hours and explore what they mean for me and Jesse. After an intense mental workout I’m still none the wiser.

I collect my bag from the trunk and return to pay my fare.

"No, ma’am. It's already been taken care of."

"Sorry?"

"The gentleman at the hotel paid me more than enough. Have a nice evening ma’am," he says, and with that he's gone.

Jesse paid the fare. Of course he did. No doubt it was guilt money for not bringing me home himself. I’m just about to retrieve my phone so I can text Jesse to thank him when I hear Benjamin’s laughter from inside.

I stride up the steps and in through the front door, dropping my bag to the floor. Following the sound of voices I make my way to the heart of the house, the kitchen. Benjamin is sat at the table with a paintbrush in his hand and my mother hovering over him lovingly.

"What ya’ making?" I ask, grinning when they both look up at me.

"Mom!" Benji shouts excitedly, and I walk over to kiss him on the head. "Look what we made! It's a dinosaur!" He points proudly at the squiggly mess in front of him.

"That's fantastic!" I enthuse. "Looks like you’ve had a nice time with Grandma and Grandpa. Did you look after them?"

"Yeah, are we coming for lunch tomorrow? Grandpa’s tired now so I told him to rest but he’ll be okay tomorrow, right?" he asks, only half paying attention to my answer as he clumsily casts his paintbrush over the clay.

"Maybe, sweetheart. Grandma and Grandpa might want a bit of a rest."

"Nonsense," my mom chips in, "I’m already marinating the meat."

"Thanks, Mom." I say, knowing that it pleases her just as much as it pleases me. She worries that we live on cereal and takeouts. She’s not completely wrong.

"Cup of tea?"

"Yes, please." We walk over to the kettle, leaving Benjamin to put the final touches to his dinosaur. I watch my mom work. Her usually sparkling eyes a little strained and her golden hair messier than standard. She’s either been run off her feet with Benji or she’s been fretting about something.

"Did you have a nice time?"

"Yes, thanks. Pretty tired now though," I yawn.

"But, you’re okay?" she asks with a knowing glint in her eyes. I know she has her mother’s instincts honed in on me and she is fully aware that something is up.

"Yeah, just tired like I said," I reply, shrugging, unwilling to offer the information she’s rooting for.

"You know what I’m asking, Michaela." She lowers her voice. "Did you see Jesse?"

I don’t know why I assumed for one moment that she didn’t know the real reason behind my going to the reunion. She never mentioned it beforehand, but she probably didn’t want to risk planting the idea in my head.

"We spoke. He’s fine. I’m fine," I omit, shrugging my shoulders and trying to appear indifferent. Suddenly I feel like a child again, lying to my mother.

"So, you haven't spent the afternoon with him?" She’s looking at the kettle as she pours the hot water into the cups and yet I still feel like she is reading my mind.

"What? Why would you..?" I don't get chance to finish my denial before she tells me that she saw my car parked outside Emma’s house when she went to the store. Assuming I was back she came to meet me, only for Emma to fob her off with some story about me going for a walk. Bless Emma for covering for me, but it was in vain. My mom knew immediately that I was with Jesse.

"Do you not remember last time?" she asks. Her voice is weak and I get the impression that she most certainly does. I hurt for my parents when I think of how I was back then, but since I became a mother myself, to think of Benjamin hurting like that makes the pain impossibly worse.

"Yes, of course I do, Mom," I insist. I clear my throat, and touch her hand. "But, we aren't seventeen anymore. We’re adults. We talked and it was lovely. Please don't worry about me."

She huffs and rolls her eyes. "Of course I’ll worry about you. That’s my job. I can't pretend that I think this is a good idea, but I agree, you’re an adult now. So, behave like one.  You have Ben to think of now, too."

Her words cut into me. I don't know whether she’s implying that I will forget about Benji if I fall in love again or whether she thinks that when I’m heartbroken and mourning I’ll allow Benji to be affected by it. Whichever her opinion, they’re both difficult to digest and my petulant immatureness rears its ugly head.

"I am fully aware of that, thank you. I don’t need you treating me like a child when I am a mother myself. Benjamin won’t be affected by my seeing Jesse. I doubt I’ll be seeing him again, anyway. Thanks for the tea, but I should get going.” I exhale loudly in order to rid my body of its annoyance and when I feel calmer I turn and speak to Benjamin. "Are you done now, sweetheart?”

"It's not dry yet,” he answers, pointing to his masterpiece.

"Well, we can leave it here to dry and bring it home tomorrow, can't we?"

"Oh, okay," he sighs, jumping down from the chair and finally falling into my arms. I kiss his head again and inhale his homely scent.

"Say thank you to Grandma for looking after you."

"Thank you, Grandma. Will you look after my dinosaur please?"

"Of course, Ben. Bye-bye, darling. We’ll see you tomorrow." She gives him a sloppy kiss and then leans in and kisses my cheek.

“See you tomorrow. Love you.”

"Bye, Mom. Love you too.” Argument forgotten.

Benjamin stays up late, again, but I’ve missed him and want to spend some more time with him. We watch his favorite Batman cartoon on repeat until he falls asleep and I carry him to bed.

In his absence I allow myself a glass of white wine. It's cheap and nasty and I shouldn’t be drinking it, but it’s all that’s here and I’m in desperate need of some alcohol generated clarity.

In my haven of peace and quiet I allow my mind to wander. What a day, seeing the love of my life again, the intimacy, the playfulness, the beach, the goodbye.

The goodbye
.

I was meant to call Jesse when I got home. I pull the phone from my bag, thinking that it’d be easier to just text him. I’m shocked to find four messages and seven missed calls. Only the first one is from Emma.

Call me! Ur mom has just been here! I think she knows u r with Jesse! xxx

Are you home safe?

Have u forgotten about me already?

Okay, I’m worried now. Call me ASAP

Emma has tried to call once but the rest of the calls are from an unknown number. When I check his business card I find that the number matches Jesse's cell. I’m pretty surprised at how intent he is on getting hold of me. I assumed his instructions to call were out of politeness. He must think I’m ignoring him, that I don’t want to speak to him. He couldn't be any further from the truth.

After texting Emma to let her know I’m okay and that I’ll update her soon, I type in Jesse’s number, save it to my phone and then call it, all the while biting my finger nails in nervous anticipation.

No answer.

That's it. I’ve blown it. I fill up my glass and prepare for a miserable night grieving the loss of my only love for the second time. Then, my phone rings. The name Jesse flashes at me on the screen and I take the call at once, annoyed with my inner drama queen.

"Jesse?" I answer sharply.

"Mickey, are you okay?" His voice is tense and he’s talking loudly over a rumbling of background noise.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm so sorry I..."

"What?" he shouts. "Mickey, I can't hear you, hold on a minute." The line goes quiet except for a faint shuffling sound. A minute goes by before it goes completely quiet. Has he hung up?

"You still there?" a breathy Jesse asks. Without the background noise I can fully appreciate how his voice doesn’t lose its charm over the phone. It’s smooth and laced with masculinity.

"I'm here. Jesse, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you before. I left my phone in my bag and then I had a few things to deal with here."

"Is Benjamin okay?" he asks. I startle slightly, his worry throwing me off.

"Yeah, he's great. He's tucked up in bed. Why?”

"I was worried," he replies, his voice softened.

"About Benjamin?"

"About you. I thought you hadn't made it back safely, and then yeah, I was worried in case Benjamin was poorly or something and that's why you weren’t able to get to a phone," he explains. I sink into the sofa and feel myself warm from the sound of his voice, from his concern.

"No, everything’s fine. Thanks for the concern though. My mom was a bit difficult, but other than that it’s all good."

"Difficult?"

"Yeah, she guessed I was with you."

"You didn't tell her earlier?"

"No…I didn't want her to worry. I told her I was with Emma." My hand covers my face to hide my embarrassment at being caught out, even though he can't see me. I don’t want to go into details regarding the reasoning behind my mother’s dislike towards him. Not over the phone at least.

"Why would she worry?"

Cringing, I admit defeat. "Because…she knows how I feel about you. She knows how I took it when you left and so, I guess she just doesn't want to see me get hurt again." I reluctantly confess. Silence vibrates between us for some time before I say, "Jesse?"

He exhales slowly. "How did you take it?" His voice is a hesitant whisper.

I mirror his hesitance. "I thought you didn't want to do this now?" I whisper back, repeating his line from earlier today in the hope that Jesse will spare me this conversation. I want to be with him when or if we are able to open up to each other, not miles apart.

"No, you’re right, I don't. Sorry. Soon though, okay?" He suddenly sounds so distant and I sag, regretting the direction of our exchange.

"Yeah, okay."

"I have to go Mickey, I'm at work and Saturdays are pretty busy."

"Oh, of course. I-I'll speak to you soon?" I stutter in disappointment.

"Soon, I promise. Bye, sweets."

"Bye."

The line goes dead. The warmth that radiated from his voice and blanketed me just seconds ago has vanished, so I reach for the throw on the back of the sofa and pull it over myself. I contemplate turning on the television, but no amount of fiction can match the drama that is currently ravaging its way through my life. I need to stop thinking about him, over thinking about him, but it's all I can do to convince myself that the last eventful twenty-four hours has been real. 

Unable to let go and desperate to feed my Jesse addiction, I retrieve the laptop from the coffee table and fire it up, hesitating before typing his new name into Google. No going back now.

LEE JENNER.

Suddenly, a catalogue of unexpected pages are listed and my mouth hangs open in shock. All this time I thought he was absent from any source of public records, when really he was simply known under another name. Some search results regard other Lee Jenner’s, but the ones about my Jesse all detail the same things; his success, his money, his bars, restaurants and nightclubs. All of which Jesse has yet to tell me about. I should be annoyed at his reluctance to share this with me. You’d think he would want to shout about his success from the rooftops. Unless he doesn’t trust me? The thought makes me feel a little ill.

As I continue to scour the results I learn of a Jesse that I’ve never known and several things occur to me…

He is rich
. Not Bill Gates rich but rich beyond anything I’d have imagined for a runaway teen. His rise to success is highly anticipated and I’m impressed, but I would be impressed with anything that Jesse found himself doing. After the start to life he had it’s a miracle he isn’t behind bars.

He’s pretty well known
. Known in the financial circuit especially, but his name also appears in the same context as some celebrities. Not as an equal match, but it seems as though his bars are used as celebrity hangouts and he plays host. I curse myself for never having read any gossip magazines. If I had then maybe I would have found Jesse without needing to attend a school reunion.

Jesse is a player
. It’s clear that Jesse enjoys spending time with a wealth of beautiful women. I guess that’s what happens with success. I can’t say that I’m surprised, his looks alone would always make him a catch, but I’m quite hurt at the volume of articles devoted to these conquests.

Despite everything, what strikes me as the most odd is the lack of knowledge the media has regarding Jesse’s past. Considering how much information is offered about Mr. Jenner, nothing is mentioned of his beginnings here in Starling. To anyone else it appears that Lee Jenner just fell out of the sky with riches to his name. The wrong name.