Forgive Me (18 page)

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

              The message reads,
I want to see you today.
I wish I got tingles, or that my heart would flutter, or something, but I just stare blankly at the message. I have only two reasons for wanting to see him; one, I want to disperse this sexual appetite that has invaded my body, and two, I want to feel cherished by someone. The side of effects of Zander Fields have done some pretty traitorous damage to me.

              I send out a quick message back.
I’m not sure if that is a good idea.

              I continue lying in bed, home alone as Clay, Faith, and Justin are all at work. I’ve already caught up on everything I’ve been sent by my boss, and its too hot to really do much of anything else, even with the air conditioner going.

              When my phone pings again, I look down and can’t help but laugh at Tanner’s reply.
Stop trying to play Cinderella. You may be a princess, but its not cute. I’ll be there in twenty.

              I bite down on the side of my nail and think if I should tell him not to bother, but then my sex seems to jump to life and I realize, I just need to get laid. And who better than someone who knows what they’re doing? Plus, who knows when the next time I’ll have a chance to have sex again is.

              Without saying anything, I climb out of bed and run into the bathroom. I showered, but I’ve been sweating, so I grab a wash cloth, running it under warm water. I lather some soap on it before pulling down my shorts and panties. I wash between my legs quickly, then I hurry up and dry it. Hey, you never know. I’d rather smell and taste delicious down there. After placing my shorts back in place, I throw the cloth in the hamper.

              Once I get my teeth brushed, my hair adjusted, some deodorant added, and I do about five double checks in the mirror, I walk out of the bathroom. Perfect timing too, because I hear the rumble of his truck pulling into the driveway.

              Immediately my throat feels like its closing and every voice in my head is telling me I’m making a huge mistake. Taking several deep breaths, I shake it off. Tanner meets me at the front door and I laugh. “You coming in or we leaving?”

              He grins. “I hate to play this card, but I only got an hour for lunch. I was kind of hoping to come in.”

              I shot a glare at him. “You think I’m some kind of booty call or something?”

              “You could never be just a booty call. Trust me.”

              He leans in and presses his lips to mine. I don’t feel the warmth there I did last time, but that could be because I’m not drunk this time. Or because I’ve been too busy thinking about Zander. Those thoughts all get pushed aside though, and I focus on the task at hand. Tanner. Me and Tanner. Sex with Tanner. Hopefully this time its pure pleasure without the pain.

              He slides out of his boots and ushers me out of the mud room. “I snuck in a quick shower before I came over, but my boots probably still stink,” he says with a small laugh.

              Grabbing his hand, I lead him down the hall to where my current room is. I’ve never done something like that. Its not even my house and I’m about to have a quickie with a guy I’m not even dating, while no one is home. And whether he admits it or not, this is a booty call, and for some reason, I’m not that ashamed.

              I thought Tanner would be focused on getting me naked first, but that isn’t the case, so as he is almost done getting undressed I decide to shed what little clothes I’m wearing as well. He looks me up and down approvingly before licking his lips. “Damn girl, I’ve missed you.”

              Some tingles take place in my stomach but more out of embarrassment of being completely naked in front of Tanner, allowing him to take in my body with his eyes instead of getting to the kissing and touching and sex.

              I take a step forward and smile up at him. “Are you going to make love to me now?”

              He cocks a brow. “Make love?”

              My cheeks flame.
Damn you romance novels!
“Um… are you going to…”

              “Have hot, passionate sex with you?” He grabs my hips and pulls me forward, lowering his face to mine. “Fuck yeah.” His lips crash down on mine and my core starts to flood with need. Good, I need this. I need to release the built up tension finally. I wish it were with…. Never mind. I can’t think about
him
while I’m doing this with Tanner.

              Tanner backs me up until the back of my legs hit the futon and I fall back onto it. He joins me, climbing between my legs, and kissing me passionately. I have to admit, the way he kisses me sure brings me joy.

              His hand reaches down and starts to rub between my legs, moistening me all over before he sticks a couple fingers in. Everything about the situation kicks up a notch and all of a sudden I just want more. No, I need more. I need it right now.

              My mouth leaves Tanner and I bring my lips close to his ear. “I need you,” I whisper out.

              He backs away from me and reaches down into his jeans, pulling out a foiled wrapper. Once its put into place on his erection, he climbs back between my legs and uses his hand to guide his penis to my entrance. I close my eyes and bite down on my lip, awaiting that stinging pain to start. Except, it doesn’t sting, it actually feels… good. Powerful. Fulfilling.

              “Open your eyes,” Tanner tells me.

              I listen to him, and watch him watching me. His eyes look down to where he is entering me and I can’t help but look down too. There is something extremely hot about watching it. Half way in, he pulls out slightly and with a little speed pushes into me until I swear he is at my cervix. I scream out in pain, but I admit, this time it feels amazing.

              After a second, I look back down and watch him do it a few more times. Each time feeling better than the last. I can feel where I may be sore afterwards but its covered up by the gratifying desire deep within.

              Tanner’s body covers mine as his face comes down and stays inches above mine. He works his way in and out of me and with each thrust, I find myself feeling more incredible. Before I know it, the small tingles start at my core and I know I’m about to get off. Tanner kisses my mouth hard before he looks at me again. “Come for me, Lexi. I want to watch you.”

              I’m not sure what it is about his words, but they give me a power unlike any other, and my body rocks into the most blissful euphoric state imaginable. My breasts push into his chest as my back arches, and I can’t help but dig my fingers into his beautiful head of hair. With a few soft grunts and a low growl in Tanner’s throat, his body stiffens and I know I’m being joined in my state of mind.

              When his body relaxes on top of mine, his head falls in the crook of my neck. “Shit, Lex, that was amazing. Just what I needed.”

              I stare at the ceiling as I realize that even as amazing at that just was with Tanner, I almost feel disgusting now. I just don’t feel for him, but what I do feel like is such a slut. A near panic arises in my chest and I want to shove at Tanner to leave, but that doesn’t feel right. So instead I allow him to lay on top of me, both of us sweating, coming up off from the high we just went through together.

              When Tanner’s body finally lifts from mine, it feels as though its been an hour, but according to the clock was only three minutes. I close my eyes and lay here and Tanner quickly gets dressed back into his work attire. “You okay?” he asks after a few moments.

              “Yeah, no, I’m uh, I’m fine,” I tell him. I look in his direction and give him a smile, one that I hope says,
don’t worry about me. I’m just exhausted from that great sex.

              I think it works too, because he grins at me as he buckles his belt. “I’ll see you later then?” he asks.

              “Of course,” I tell him. Its not a lie. I will see him, probably many times. Just not in this state. Not ever again. I’m just glad I realized my mistake this early on.

              He leans down and kisses my lips softly. It’s a friendly kiss and I admit, I do enjoy his soft lips against mine. “I’ll call you later.”

              “I’ll see you around, Tanner.” I almost slip up and say
thanks for coming over
, but I remember I practically thanked him last time we had sex, so I’ll it be.

              He leaves the room, leaving me here in my naked glory. The second the front door shuts, I turn to my stomach and let out some seriously ugly tears. Sometimes, I truly hate my life. No, no, that is not right, I don’t hate my life because I love too many people
in
my life. No, what I hate is me. Yeah, that is right. I hate myself.

              Zander shows up early to pick Justin up on Wednesday. Thankfully so, because Justin is still in the shower and has to pack his bag. Gunner and him worked late on the farm today because apparently one of the cows had some offspring, and Justin got to help deliver them.

              He came home gushing about, telling me in gory details about everything that happened. He said he never experienced something so miraculous, and it made me proud. Even if I was almost throwing up in my mouth at the details.

              So while he is showering, I knock on the door and tell him to hurry his bum up. Then I sneak outside to where Zander is parked in his truck. I don’t think he notices me until I’m opening the door, because the look he gives me is one I hope I never receive again. I don’t feel very welcomed right now. But welcomed or not, I just want to get a few words in with Zander, alone, before he takes Justin for the night.

              Before any words come out of my mouth, Zander quickly speaks. “I am his father, I am an adult, I’m responsible, and he is at an age he can tell me things. I don’t need momma bear here to bark orders at me about this and that, and being a father.”

              “Shit, Zander,” I nearly yell. “I’m not here to fight, or judge, or to
bark orders
.” I roll my eyes and slide a little closer to him, lowering my voice to a normal level. “I wanted to say thank you for taking him tonight. I also wanted to make sure that this isn’t putting a huge damper between you and Emerson, especially so close to your wedding.”

              “Shes pretty pissed, I ain’t gonna lie, but its because it
is
so close to the wedding and my attention isn’t focused solely on that. And while we’re talking about the wedding… I wanted to tell you that I’d like Justin to be one of my groomsmen.” He looks down at his hands instead of at me, like I’m going to scold him for asking such a question.

              It doesn’t even upset me. Well, the fact he wants Justin in his wedding doesn’t upset me. The fact he is having a wedding, and I’m not the bride, that is what is upsetting. But again, its my own fault, so I don’t say as much.

              “If that is what you want, I’m sure that’ll make Justin proud.”

              He peeks up at me with a smile. “You’re really okay with it?”

              “I don’t have a choice really.”

              “You always have a choice, Lexi.”

              “So don’t you, Zander.”

              He cocks his head. “What is that supposed to be mean?”

              “Oh, um, nothing,” I tell him. I don’t want to say
a choice between your fiancé and I,
even though that is what I was thinking when the words came out. Darn, I wish my thought process had a restart button. I could really use a system update right about now. I need to get over the fact that Zander is not mine, has not been mine, and never will be mine.

              My answer doesn’t seem to satisfy Zander but he doesn’t really say anything, he just stares at me, looking lost in thought. Probably mimicking me.

              After a few seconds, he smiles and reaches for my hand. “I know this is completely out of line, and if you say no, I understand, but um. Would you go shopping with Justin and I tomorrow to get him suited for a tux? I wouldn’t ask but Emerson has other things she has to deal with, and I’ve never worn a tux so I don’t even know where to start. I basically had Em do everything when it came to my fitting.”

              “You’ve never worn a tux? What about prom?”

              He sighs. “Oh Lexi, high school… I didn’t… I didn’t go.” He ends it at that and asks, “Where is Justin anyways?”

              “Oh, he worked late. He had just gotten into the shower when I came out. He should only be a few more minutes.”

              “Okay,” he says with a nod. After an expelled breathe, he admits, “I’m nervous about him spending that night. Is that weird?”

              I can’t help but smile. “No, actually, not at all. I think I would be too.”

              “I rented some movies, and I borrowed my buddy’s game system and some video games. I also bought a bunch of food. I don’t know much about him.”