Forgive Me (12 page)

T
he anticipation of homecoming this year is unlike anything I’ve seen since I first arrived at Rutgers. Apparently Homecoming falling so close to Halloween is unusual and celebrated for its rarity. Julia and I have finished three bottles of wine as we work on our costumes and I’m hoping mine looks as good in the morning as it does through my double vision right now. My phone dings with a text and Julia throws it on the couch next to me, being careful to avoid the three jars of glow-in-the-dark glitter paint I’ve been using as a medium. The text is a picture of a full moon and it’s from Jason Leer. A small sob lodges in my throat.

“What? What was the text?” Julia asks. I hand her the phone as I go to the front window and look at the giant moon lighting the sky. “Nice pic. I guess he’s using the phone.”

I text back and within seconds my phone rings and Julia says good night, recognizing I could be a while.

“Hello,” I say, suddenly filled with energy even two bottles of wine can’t dampen.

“Just because I’m using this fancy new phone doesn’t mean I want to text rather than talk to you.”

“Point taken. I’m glad you’re using it.”

“Had I known these phones came with naked pictures I would have bought one years ago,” he says, and I laugh, completely unembarrassed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m making my Halloween costume. Are you sure you can’t come up?”

“I can’t miss Kansas. It’s the last rodeo for fall,” he says, and I know all of this. His rodeo schedule is taped to the wall beside my bed.

“I know. I can’t wait until you’re done and really can’t wait to see you Thanksgiving,” I say, and the hunger in my voice surprises me.

“Hmm. What are you going to be for Halloween?”

“Horny, apparently.”

“See that you stay that way until I see you Thanksgiving,” he says, not being playful at all.

“I’m a starry night.”

“I should have known. Send me a picture,” Jason says, and I look down at the very little black dress I have been decorating with glow-in-the-dark stars and regret having sent him the smart phone.

“Are you dressing up? Do people in Oklahoma celebrate Halloween?” I ask, and laugh as the question comes out of my mouth.

“Yes. People in Oklahoma dress up. I don’t, though.”

“Well, I always picture you naked anyway so a costume is unnecessary. If you change your mind about coming, let me know. It’s Homecoming here and things are going to be very crowded.”

“Who’s coming?”

“Jenn always comes for Halloween. It’s a bonus it’s Homecoming, too. I’m trying to convince Margo to come.”

“Sounds like trouble.”

“Takes some to know some.”

“I love you, Annie.”

“I know,” I say, and listen to the empty phone after Jason hangs up.
Stupid cowboy. Why do you have to be so far away?

Jenn arrives with her angel wings sticking out of her backpack. She pulls her halo out of her bag and it’s bent.

“How fitting,” I say.

“I’m so bummed Margo is not coming.”

“I know. She just started dating some guy named Matt and they are going to a party as the girl in the shopping cart and the guy in a toga from
Animal House
. It’s not as funny with only the guy,” I explain.

“Certainly not. Is she going to walk around in a bra and underwear all night?”

“Not just underwear, but old fashioned underwear. She sent me a picture of her hair. She looks great. I think it’s an outside party so I’m sure she’ll have him wheel her around all night.”

“I love that girl,” Jenn says. “Your dress is awesome.” Jenn admires my starry night.

“You have to see it in the dark,” I say as I get up and turn out all the lights in the room. Within seconds the stars on my dress, all different sizes and shapes, take light and glow.

“Charlotte, that’s awesome.”

“I know,” I say, very proud of my handiwork. The lights turn on and Wes is standing in the doorway.

“Hey, what are you guys doing in the dark?” he asks.

“You’ll see later,” I say. “Where’s Noble?”

“He’s going to meet us out later. He has a date.”

“A date? On Halloween? Sounds serious,” Jenn says, and I delight in the anticipation of making fun of him later.

“That’s good. Noble would make a great boyfriend.” With that Julia comes downstairs dressed as Princess Leia on vacation, complete with a Princess Leia wig and a Hawaiian shirt, and Sydney and the rest of my eight roommates come up dressed as planets. All of a sudden Wes’s costume makes sense. He’s the sun. Who wouldn’t love this holiday?

Pictures are taken. I send one to Jason of Jenn, Julia, and myself, and one of the solar system I’m traveling with tonight. We head to the first party at the largest fraternity house on campus. The line is enormous out front, but Sydney has recently become close with a brother and Wes’s twin brothers are both brothers so we’re let in the back fence. The yard opens to an enormous dance floor with fake smoke pouring off it at random intervals. There is a long tube being held out a second story window with a funnel attached to the end. A ninety-pound girl is on the ground with the tube in her mouth.

“Thirsty?” Jenn asks.

“Not if I want to be standing by the end of the night.”

“Oh, don’t sell yourself short, Charlotte,” she says, and Julia arrives carrying three beers in her little hands.

We settle in here, enjoying the clear night until Wes’s friends from home arrive and we move inside. A deejay is playing in a near-completely dark room and the crowd has glow sticks moving with their bodies. My dress takes on a life of its own and I become instantly famous. Apparently, on Halloween it’s okay to touch a starry night, even if you’ve never been introduced.

“Do you want to trip?” Wes shouts in my ear.

“What,” I scream, leaning closer to him.

“Do you want a hit?”

“What?” What the hell is he saying?

“Stick out your tongue,” Wes says, and demonstrates by sticking his out. I do as I’m told and Wes carefully places a small square of paper on my tongue. “Now smile,” he says, and I do. We regroup three beers later, too close to the smoke machine. It makes me cough and suddenly feels scary. I lean into Wes.

“I don’t like the smoke.”

“Me either. Let’s get the others and get out of here.”

“Really? You want to leave?” I ask, shocked. My heart is racing, or is it? Wes was looking forward to this party more than anyone.

“Things are about to hit and I think we’ll be better off someplace else.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’ll see.” Wes gathers our now small group and we walk onto College Avenue. Outside of the loud music and crowd, things appear totally differently. The street lights melt down to the street and back to the sky as I tilt my head. The cars’ distance doesn’t match the sound of their approach, and almost every person walking on the street worries me in some way. We stop at a side street and my inability to figure out if it’s safe to cross the street, even without a car in sight, shocks me.

“You okay?” It’s Jenn in my ear. I look at her and her bright blue eyes are covered by enormous pupils. “Wes told me he gave you a hit of acid.”
Ohhh.
I scowl at her, accusing her of leaving me alone in whatever this is. “So I took one, too. Poor Julia, I shoved one down her throat also.” I exhale the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “Together forever,” Jenn says, and I could hug her.

“Hey girls, I hear we’re tripping tonight,” Julia says, and puts her arms between ours. The three of us cross the street attached to one another as I hope we’ll be the rest of the evening.

We wait for Wes and his friend, Michael, to go in the liquor store and buy a case of beer. By now, everything is so intense I can’t imagine walking into a store. I don’t know how they’re navigating it but I’m staying out here. Jenn shows us a bird in a tree, which we discover is a squirrel. We decide it’s the Jersey Devil, just as they finally come out of the store with their own adventures to tell us about. Wes is carrying a case of beer and three packs of cigarettes.

“It’s going to be a long night,” he says with an enormous grin.

“How long?” I ask, and take the cigarettes from him.

“It’s 11:30 now. We could be like this until dawn,” he says, and I look at him in disbelief. “At least.”

“I’m glad I like you guys.” A horn beeps and the sound reverberates between my ears. We hurry back to 108 Hamilton and pour into the upstairs living room as I lock the door behind us. Exactly who do I think is going to sneak up on us?

By the time I get upstairs the lights are on, the beer has been put in the refrigerator and Julia is playing music. Wes lights a cigarette and Julia gives him an old bowl lined with tin foil to ash into. The sight of it shocks me. Julia hates smoking as much as the next nonsmoker, especially in our house.

“Just this once,” she sternly tells Wes. He moves to the windows and opens them.

“No matter what, stay away from the windows,” he turns and tells me. Suddenly everything out the window catches my attention, especially the cool night air. I’m hot in here. “Understand?” he asks, and I nod in agreement and move away from the window.

“Is everyone tripping?” Michael asks.

“How can I tell?” I ask, still trying to figure out what is going on. Jason’s voice rings in my head, “Stop thinking, Annie.”

“Turn out the lights,” Michael says, and Jenn flips the switch. Michael stands in front of us with a glow stick from the party in his hand. It’s not completely dark in the room because of the street lights, but the little green stick is beaming. Michael moves it from side to side and we all watch in wonderment as a green line trails behind it. He moves it in a circle and the same trail follows it.

“I think I am definitely tripping,” I say. Michael moves the glow stick in a figure eight symbol and the light tries to catch itself. We are all enthralled by his tricks, so much so that we don’t hear the knocking on the door. The doorbell has us looking from one to another, scared to answer it.

“It’s Sinclair,” Wes says, and goes downstairs to open the door for him.
Oh Noble.
His smile is going to light this place up. I hope he’s tripping, too. Noble and I kind of trip through life together without drugs. I can’t imagine how much fun this would be with him. I listen for his footsteps on the stairs, anxious to see him. My phone rings, and when I see Jason’s picture cross the screen I quickly hit ignore and turn the phone over. Julia is watching me sympathetically when I look up. It’s hard to explain. I love him even more tripping, but I do not want to talk to him about it. Something inside of me knows this time needs to be protected; the way Wes moved us here from the party.

I hear voices arguing outside and that fills me with fear. I can’t imagine anyone dealing with something unpleasant right now. Do I have to go to the bathroom? I kind of think I do, but I’m not sure. The voices raise and I make out Noble’s. Why isn’t he coming inside? I move closer to the window, but stay a few inches away, remembering Wes’s warning.

“What is your problem, dude? I offered you one.” Noble moves closer to Wes.

“It’s not about giving me one, you idiot. It’s about Charlotte. Her parents were killed a few months ago. Do you really think she’s ready for her first acid trip? You’re a selfish asshole.” He’s mad about me, about me tripping. My phone rings again and again I press ignore. If Noble has a problem with me tripping, Jason is going to implode. Jenn reads my thoughts, probably all of them, and switches the music. I lay my head back, relax, and drink my beer. The voices outside quiet, and my phone stops ringing and I watch Julia create a pattern on a piece of paper using markers and pens. The swirls keep moving after her pen leaves the paper and my amazement grows with every new color. I wave my hand in front of my face and the same trails follow it that followed the glow stick.

“Thank God we left that party.”

“We would have been all right. It was just really crowded. Hard to trip with all those people around,” Michael explains, and I gather this is not his first trip.

“Is this always the same?” I ask.

He turns his head to me slowly, unwilling to let go of whatever caught his eye.

“No, but it’s pretty much always awesome. The better the people, the better the place, the better the fun.” I rub my thumbs in circles over my fingerprints and notice my hands are wet. Or are they? I rub both palms together and still can’t tell.

“So it’s just like real life,” I say, and the guitar floats, literally floats through the room as I can see the music streaming through the air. I fight to keep a handle on everything and again remember Jason’s plea to not think so much. The song’s lyrics catch my attention. They’re about a car accident. It’s tragic—

The music stops. I open my eyes to see Noble pressing the buttons on Julia’s iPod and I relax. Noble gives Wes the look of death and Wes closes his eyes to avoid it. Noble smiles in my direction, his warmth forced, but welcomed by me. He comes and sits down next to me, sinking us both into the depths of this old couch, and as he puts his arm around me I rest my head on Noble’s beautiful shoulder.

“How you doing, Charlotte?”

“Better now that you’re here,” I say, and mean every word of it. I love Noble so much it’s bursting from me. I let that thought go for fear I might actually see something burst from me. My phone rings and I ignore Jason’s call again with Noble watching. “He’s not going to stop calling,” I say.

“You don’t want to talk to him?”

“I don’t want to lie to him and I don’t want to tell him the truth,” I admit, staring at my phone as it buzzes with a new message notification.

“The longer you don’t answer the more worried he’s going to be.”

“I know. I don’t think there’s ever been a time I haven’t answered. At least not at night, even if I can only pick up to tell him I love him and I can’t talk.” Noble hugs me tight and kisses my head. I write a text to Jason and show Noble for his opinion.