Forgive Me (18 page)

“It’s nothing compared to giving you up,” I say, and kiss his lips.

“Your senior year won’t be easy.” Jason pulls my hair from my face and holds it in a tight ponytail at the nape of my head. “It’s just us. We’re supposed to be together. No one else. You’re going to have to fight for us.”

“I’m tired of fighting. You act like it’s us against the world, as if the whole universe is conspiring against us,” I say, and stare at my beautiful Jason Leer.

“You are naïve, Annie. It’s the difference between belonging to each other and belonging with each other.”

Jason and I ride out the rest of the storms, six hours’ worth, drinking wine and playing War with a deck of cards he found in the dining room cabinet. We sit on the floor amidst candles, having lost power halfway through the night, and when I yawn, he scoops me up and carries me to bed. It’s the safest I’ve felt since June 27th of last year and I am grateful to him for it. I fall asleep with my head on his arm and dream about telling my mom how much I love him.

“Annie.” His voice in my ear stirs me. “Annie, wake up.” He’s not in bed with me, though. He’s leaning over it, already awake. “Annie, wrap your arms around my neck.” I do as I’m told and wrap my arms around Jason’s thick neck. He lifts my naked body off the bed and covers me with a blanket. I rest my head on his shoulder, my lips touching his neck, as he carries me through the back door. He sits in an Adirondack chair on the end of the dock with me straddling him. My legs hang off the sides of the chair and Jason arranges the blanket to cover them too. It’s a cold morning, the storm having washed away all the humidity of the day before.

“What are we doing out here?” I ask, still groggy.

“I want to watch the sunrise with you in my arms.” Jason rubs my back and warms me awake. I leave my face nestled between his neck and his shoulder.

“This has been the happiest week of my life,” I say, and try to recall a day I felt happier than today. My solace is a herculean feat on his part.

“Even better than when you went to Disney World in kindergarten and brought the whole class Goofy pencils?” I remember how happy my classmates were with their gifts. No matter where we end up, Jason and I came from the same place. Salem County, New Jersey.

“Yes, even better than Disney World,” I say, and sit up to face Jason, fully awake now and wanting him. “And you are my favorite ride.”

I kiss Jason again and make love to him on the dock of our cottage at Cedar Creek Lake while the sun rises behind us.

I will never forget you.

“My God, you’re glowing. Were you plucked in Texas?” Violet asks, and I guess plucked is as good a word as any.

“Plucked, sucked, and completely fucked,” I say as I float across the room, and land on the couch.

“Charlotte! The language, that’s not like you. It must have been some trip,” she says.

“I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but at some point I’m going to move to Oklahoma.”

“The way you look right now makes me want to drop Blake and go there myself,” she says, and walks to the top of the stairs to yell to our roommates a floor below.

“You guys. Come up here and look at our fair Miss O’Brien. She’s drunk on love. Either that or she lost her virginity in Texas.”

“How was Panama City?” I ask, still euphoric. I hope this lasts until I see him again.

“Debauchery. Complete and utter. Fun like that should be illegal.”

“I’m sure it is,” I add.

“You’re coming next year. Vegas, baby.”

“I’ll have to check the dates,” I say, making no promises. Hopefully our deal holds up because without it I can only imagine Jason’s reaction to a Vegas spring break.

I
have now flown this flight enough to know the route the pilots take. I settle into my seat aware of our descent and study the landscape through my window. The amount of undeveloped land still astonishes me, no matter how many times I land here. The anticipation of seeing him feeds the hollowness inside of me. It’s been almost a month since spring break and each day felt like a year. His letters came more often and his calls were kind again, and that made it a million times better than the month before. We may survive this yet.

“Your necklace is lovely. Do you ride?” The woman crammed into the seat next to me asks. I instinctively touch the rowel necklace Jason had made for me.
Not a horse, but I ride someone who does.

“No. My boyfriend had it made for me. He’s a steer wrestler,” I say, watching my manners.

“A cowboy, huh? I was in love with a cowboy once.” She looks up wistfully.

“What happened?” I ask, hesitant to break her reminiscence.

“I don’t know. We were young and he was on the road a lot. Rodeo cowboys are born. It’s not a choice for them. In the end I guess it was a choice for me.” I bite my lip and crush my necklace between my fingers. Something about her is making me angry, or is that fear?

“Oh,” I say, wanting this conversation to end.

“Is he in Oklahoma? Is that why you’re coming here?”

“Yes. We’re going to a rodeo in Kansas this weekend,” I say, and wince at the similarities of her past and my future.

“Well, enjoy,” she says, and the plane’s wheels touch down. I’m thrust forward as the plane struggles to a stop; completely out of my control. It slows and taxis to the terminal, back to my cowboy.

The Tulsa Airport, like Oklahoma City, which I also frequent now, is small in comparison to Philly or Newark. It’s a short walk through the terminal even if my gate is at the very end. Jason is waiting for me, as usual, as soon as I clear the security line. He kisses me and my knees give out beneath him.

“Miss me?” he asks as I open my eyes and look into his playful gray ones.

“Insanely.”

“You are a sight for sore eyes, Annie O’Brien.” He pulls back and looks me up and down. “And it’s one tremendous sight.” Jason leads me out of the terminal and we wait on the curb for Harlan to pull up.

“It’s going to be a long ride. You sure you’re okay riding with Harlan? It’s not too late to get my truck.”

“I’m fine with it if you are. I’ll do whatever you want,” I say, and lean into him, a naughty invitation in my tone.

The only problem with riding with Harlan is having to wait until Fort Hays, Kansas to get my hands on him. Harlan pulls up in his fancy truck with a trailer hitched behind it carrying the team of horses. I guess we’re
all
headed to Hays today. Jason throws my backpack in the back of the truck as I climb in the middle.

“Hey, Charlotte. How’s Jersey? Did you miss me?” Harlan asks.

“Of course. You ready to kick some ass this weekend?”

“That’s the Jersey spirit I love. We are absolutely gonna kick some ass.”

“What events are you in?” At this Harlan seems to hesitate. He looks out his rearview mirror and fidgets. I turn and see Jason walking to the truck door and forget what we were talking about. Jason climbs in and puts his arm around me and we ride five hours to Kansas unable to touch each other. I feel every breath he takes, every single heartbeat moving through his body, and it makes me want to jump out of this truck and haul him out with me. We finally see the signs for Hayes and I rub Jason’s leg. He halts my hand and gives me a warning glare.

“You two suck to ride with,” Harlan says, and I feel for him.

“The ride home’ll be better,” I say. “We haven’t seen each other in a month.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s check in at the hotel first so I don’t crash the truck into a brick wall from discomfort.”
Poor Harlan.

We check in at the Hays Super 8. It’s next to the Conoco and McDonald’s and on a strip with several other budget-friendly hotels. I couldn’t tell you what the room looks like because by the time I take a step into it, Jason is ripping the clothes off my back. Five hours in a truck with Harlan was a mistake we are about to rectify. He turns me around and I kiss him. Oh the taste of him. This will never get old. He pulls the bedspread off the bed and throws me on top. He jumps on me and knocks the wind out of me and apologizes as he kisses my neck and starts to suck on it.

“I’m wearing a tank top tonight.” Jason stops and lifts up to face me with an absolutely devilish grin.

“And?”

“And I thought for once I could go out without being covered in bruises. Maybe make a good impression,” I say playfully as he proceeds to run his lips down my stomach.

“I’ll stick to areas not seen in public,” Jason promises with a wicked grin. He slides his arm under my stomach, arching my back, and runs his tongue past my belly button and licks each nipple. He stops and my skin wants to climb off of me and follow his tongue to wherever. Jason leans back, pulling his arm out from under me. I open my eyes and with them I beg him to continue.

Jason pulls my shirt over my head and bends down and yanks my skirt off, taking my panties too.

“I want to see you.” He stands over the bed, silent and contemplating me. Jason’s eyes traipse over every inch of me. They brand me, marking me for all other eyes in the future. I shiver under his stare and he smiles. He’s well aware of his effect on me and he loves it. His eyes linger on my lips and finally, meet my own. A new chill runs through me and I want to reach out to him, but I stay still, a lover at his mercy.

“Annie O’Brien, you are so beautiful,” he says, and I blush.

I rise up onto my knees and unbutton his shirt. It’s difficult to move slowly, but I force myself as the throbbing between my legs pounds against my thighs. I push his shirt off and the width of his arms catches my eye. They’re as big as my legs. I run my hands over his shoulders and down each arm. I pull his undershirt over his head and the look in Jason’s eyes gives me permission, permission for an endless list of possibilities. He trusts me with his heart and I’m not going to let anything happen to this beast.

I run my hands across his bare chest and slide each nipple between my fingers. I lick them and kiss his chest between them, and the throbbing between my legs pounds away at me. I take a deep breath and exhale. What should I do to my enormous cowboy?

I undo his pants and lower his zipper with rushed hands. My body’s needs are difficult to manage. Jason helps me lower his jeans and I watch as he stands again, completely erect. He is physically gifted, in every way. I swallow hard at the sight of him and wrap my fingers around his balls and run my hand up and down his shaft. I can feel it in my hand, and in my mouth, and between my legs. It’s the only thing that will make this pounding stop and I swallow again at the thought of it.

His cock in my hand, I look up at Jason. His head’s back, his face to the ceiling, and his eyes are closed as he breathes deeply. Even here, naked, he is utterly invincible. A god walking amongst us mere mortals and he’s mine. I rise up and kiss his neck and I continue playing with him and he moans, “Ohhh,” with only a tiny breath escaping him.

Jason tilts his face toward me and the look in his eyes screams at me to run toward him and from him at the same time. He takes my hand and lifts me by the shoulders as he throws me on the bed. I haven’t bounced off the mattress before he mounts me and pulls my knees above his shoulders. He thrusts into me, my feet behind his head, and I cry out for all of it. The pounding takes him and releases him each time he moves and I cover my eyes with my hand, the sight of him too much to process with him overtaking me.

Jason rides me this way until my hips almost break from the weight of him and he releases one leg and the electrical current trapped in the wires of my body. I come, and come again as he continues to fuck me. I’m sure I can’t see straight. I grip his biceps, my tiny hands trying to hold onto to something as Jason raises his shoulders, taking my one leg with him, and comes. He continues as his body quivers and every fear I’ve ever had seeps out of me, the touch of him making me brave.

God, I love Jason Leer.

Satisfied and completely spent, I lie in Jason’s arms, running my fingers over his hands.

“How are you ever going to steer wrestle today?” I ask, more relaxed than I’ve been in a month.

“It’s not the bulldoggin’ I’m worried about, it’s the bull riding.” I must have heard him wrong. I stop caressing his hand as his silence weighs on me like a challenge. I sit up and look at him sternly.

“The what?” I ask, and he laughs, not because he thinks it’s funny, because he wants me to feel ridiculous and I do not.

“I’m doing both this weekend. Bull riding and bulldoggin’. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah, it is a big deal. What the hell are you doing?” I ask, a little less cool than I would like to seem.

“It’s not like I’ve never ridden a bull before. I just happen to prefer bullldoggin’. The opportunity came up so I’m taking it.”
Opportunity?

I lay my head back down silently. I’m going to regret anything else I say at this point. Including,
My mother was right.
I don’t belong here.

“Long go-round starts soon. We’ve got to get goin’,” he says, and pulls his arm out from under my head, almost taking my ear off with it.

“Long go?”

“Two days of long go-rounds, short go-rounds on the third day. Only the top ten make it to day three.” I nod my head, filing the information away in my “Crazy Ass Shit about Rodeo” mental folder and sigh as I examine the damage to my clothes. This is why I now bring a few extra outfits with me.

Jason deposits me in the stands near other Oklahoma fans and hands me a sheet of paper with all the events and entrants typed on it.

“Is this my program?” I try to smile. I don’t want him to trade me in for one of these chicks that obviously has no problem with him riding, catching, wrestling, or being gored by animals.

“You gonna be okay?” he asks, acknowledging that I’m trying.

“Just dandy,” I say, and smile for real this time. He’s awesome. This is awesome. It’s all so fucking awesome. It’s going to be over in a few short hours. He kisses me, too provocatively for public, but I’m probably not heading back to Hays soon so may as well ruin my reputation, and walks to the other side of the arena where all the cowboys, and cowgirls, appear to be having team meetings of some kind. The Fort Hays State University Rodeo has as much pomp and circumstance as Cowtown and the school flag is brought in on a horse. Right behind the American flag, of course. These cowboys may be crazy, but they’re patriots.

A gorgeous long-haired brunette sings the national anthem from atop a horse and each school is announced. About fifteen are called, most of which I don’t recognize the names of, and I remember Harlan’s reaction to hearing Rutgers for the first time. Are we really that far away from each other? Oklahoma State is announced and a group of girls three rows down go wild, led by the Salem County’s finest, Stephanie Harding. When she turns around I wave hello. Hopefully I’ll have time to talk to her later and see how she likes Oklahoma. For now my eyes are fixed on the end of the arena where the bulls are already in their gates. Jason’s listed as the fourth rider in the first event. His bull’s named Rocco. Come on, Rocco. Be gentle.

The first three riders take off and I’m mesmerized. It’s absolutely insane to me. I quickly gather the point is to stay on the bull eight seconds and then get the hell off as soon as possible. You don’t get any points beyond the first eight seconds, so why stick around.

Jason’s announced and I can make out the top of him towering above the gate, looking down and doing something with his hand as the bull moves beneath him. I feel sick. I am going to throw up all over this bleacher. The gate opens and the bull bucks out with Jason holding on above. His one hand is in the air mirroring the jerking motion of the bull as it waves in one direction and snaps back. The bull jumps, or bucks, or whatever, and throws his rear legs into the air until a buzzer sounds and Jason jumps off landing on his feet and steadying himself with his hands as the bull contemplates rushing him. Jason climbs up the wall as two rodeo clowns corral the bull. He hops down, tips his hat to me, and follows the bull out of the gate. I exhale and drop my forehead to my hand. When I look up Stephanie and her friends are cheering wildly. I’m still trying to breathe.

Bull riding, Saddle Bronc Riding, Team Roping, I’m almost relaxing as I research bull riding rules on my phone. I get a text from Jason:

Yeah, well, I do better when I’m not.
Instead I text back:

Cowboys and cowgirls who have finished competing filter into the crowd and I hear them talking about the parties tonight and tomorrow night. Apparently there’s one sponsored by Fort Hays the last night. I wonder if we’re going to any of these. Jason’ll probably find three more jackpots. That boy could compete all night long. I’m starting to understand the way he is in bed. He’s just rough. In all the right ways.

The fifth event is Steer Wrestling and Jason is first. The guys that have recently joined me talk of Jason and how good he is. He and Harlan are on their horses in the chutes and I realize how much easier this is to take in now that I’ve seen it before. I brace myself for the next five seconds and watch Jason push his hat down low on his forehead. The gate opens and the steer runs out, followed by Jason and Harlan. My eyes never leave Jason. When he catches up to the steer something monstrous happens. His horse misses its footing and appears to fold up on himself with Jason under him. The steer runs by stomping on Jason’s head in the process and I’m left watching a motionless Jason lying in the dirt as Harlan races over on his horse.

I’m out of my seat and running toward the arena. I’m five feet from the gate when a boy grabs me around the waist and hauls me back.