Forgiven: One Man's Journey from Self-Glorification to Sanctification (5 page)

As my grandfather grew older and began to lose his senses, my mother kept telling me over and over again that I needed to go see him before he died. But I never could. This mountain of a man was my boyhood idol, and to see him weak and frail would have been too much even for me. When Granddad died I didn’t attend the funeral — I couldn’t. I didn’t want to remember him that way. In his last days, my grandfather came to Jesus, after staying as far away as he possibly could for his entire life. Now I understand that he did this for one reason only

— to assure himself that he would one day see his Anna again.

I’m going to point out certain instances in my life where, now that I’ve been saved by Jesus Christ, I can clearly see that God was present.

Unfortunately, having been blind to his light at the time, I just couldn’t see the grace he was desperately trying to extend.

The first instance took place at the time of the unexpected death of my grandmother. As I said here, for as long as I could remember, it was a ritual that every Sunday was spent visiting with my grandparents. The ratio of them coming to our house, compared to our going to theirs, was 25/75. They were the elders, so out of respect you just went there more often. As I got older, when my grandparents would visit I was usually off doing something else. With my teens came girls, cars, freedom and 19

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Elvis Costello. It pains me to say this now, but I was beginning to out-grow them.

However, I can remember vividly that last weekend prior to Nana’s passing. That Sunday, my grandparents showed up unexpectedly. On this occasion, for some reason, I can remember being especially happy to see them. At the same time, I was overcome with a feeling that I should stay home and spend some time with them. That Sunday I enjoyed the company of my grandparents and did little else. A few days later, my grandmother was dead; I would never see her on this earth again.

I now know it was God’s voice that spoke to me that day. In his special way he was telling me what was to come that week, and his message blessed me with more time with my beloved Nana. Though at that time I didn’t understand what I do now, and I wasn’t ready to accept God into my life, I did realize one extremely important thing — that we should savor every minute, every second with the ones we love. You never know when God will take those whom you cherish the most. It is imperative to treat your loved ones like it’s the last time you’ll see them — every time you see them. Better yet, treat everybody that way. Everyone you come across in your everyday life, they are all God’s children, and that’s exactly how they should be treated. Just stop for one second and try to visualize what a world like that would be like; a world where we treated each other with love, dignity, respect, honor, forgiveness and grace.

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Chapter 4

HANDSOME JIMMY

AND LUCIOUS JOHNNY

Now that I’ve established that those I shared my house with were a few partridges short of a family, it will seem inevitable that I would be forced to rely on some sort of vice to escape the everyday madness.

Like a lot of kids, I chose television. From as far back as I can remember I was raised on, and by, the boob tube. Some of my fondest memories involve sitting on the couch with my dad and just becoming a part of Yogi Bear’s world. Man, I loved that bear, but I have to admit, I was never a big fan of his sidekick, Boo Boo. Always whin-ing, crying and complaining about something, always in that high-pitched, Fran Drescher voice, “But Yogi, what if Ranger Smith finds out?” Do you think that for one minute Yogi cared about Ranger Smith? Yogi owned Smith. It was all about getting that illusive pic-i-nic basket, by any means necessary. You’ve got to respect that.

Even at the age of five I was taken with an animated mammal simply because he was sticking it to authority.

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But then Yogi got soft.

Enter Cindy Bear. Southern twang, frilly umbrella — Jellystone Park would never be the same. And Yogi went gaga over her. Suddenly he was no longer chasing the basket, but like every other adolescent male — he was chasing the skirt! Why, Yogi, Why? He lost it all — the swagger, the confidence, the cocky manner — suddenly, he had those pesky little cartoon birds flying over his head everywhere he went, whistling self-consciously whenever Cindy strolled by. Yogi left me with no choice — the bear was out, and the Caped Crusader was in!

I said it when I was six, and I’ll say it again in my 40s, the original
Batman
series was the greatest television show ever created, and the actor behind the cowl (as the Mad Hatter would refer to Batman’s mask), Adam West, was a genius. In portraying the superhero, to use one of my favorite sayings, West just flat “got it.” In the Russo vernac-ular, “get it” means wink-wink to the audience. During my wwf run in the late ’90s, we aired a commercial during the Super Bowl with the tag line: “wwf . . . get it?” The message was designed to tell the audience, “Wrestling is fake; lighten up, have fun with it.” This was the exact swagger and confidence with which Adam West portrayed Gotham’s favorite crime fighter. The show was a classic example of the writing being solid, but the actor “getting it” to the point of making it off-the-charts entertaining. And this exact formula was what made Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mick Foley and the Rock the mega-stars they were. Writing like Shakespeare won’t necessarily get you to where you want to go — it’s all about how your actors play it out.

That’s why, in wrestling, some guys get over (become popular with the fans), and some guys don’t. At the end of the day, they have to carry the ball, they have to deliver the written word. West delivered the word with dead-eye accuracy, much the same way the aim of his bat-a-rang would crack the devilish Egg Head.

• • •

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“It Feels Like the First Time.”

Ah, yes, that classic Foreigner song brings back memories. A boy of six just doesn’t forget the first time he fell head-over-heels, gaga, in love. I attribute my loss of innocence to
Batman
as well. I know what you’re thinking — no, his leotards weren’t a turn-on. But I can’t say the same thing about Julie Newmar’s skin-tight catsuit. What male tot can ever forget the warm, tingly feeling they first experienced when Newmar pranced onto the tv screen. It was like the feeling I got when my dad took me to go see my favorite team, the San Francisco Giants, play the New York Mets at Shea Stadium — combined with a snow day at school, and topped with two full sleeves of Chips Ahoys chased with a tall, cold glass of milk.

Yes, this clearly had to be love. As corny as it is to put it this way

— Newmar was the cat’s meow. Even Batman got all silly over her. Up until that point I didn’t think he even liked girls! After catching an episode which featured the feline, I wanted to grab my crayons and write all over my Batman coloring book, “Me & Catwoman,”

“Catwoman & me.” This was pure, unadulterated puppy love. Julie Newmar, wherever you are, thank you for making me a man!

Over the years my imaginary love relationship with boob-tube beauties would continue. As a matter of fact, let’s take a look at my Top-10 “Dream Fantasy Television All-Chick Weekend”: 1. pamela ewing

The whole enchilada. Very sexy — showed just enough, but not too much. That little southern accent helped. Killer body.

2. laura petrie

Doesn’t matter that she was in black-and-white. Back in that era television had
never
seen anything like Mary Tyler Moore.

Just look at those reruns on Nickelodeon — Richie’s mom was on fire! Those tight dresses, those skirts showing just enough leg for the time — I’m telling you — she was fine.

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Vince Russo

Now, maybe mtm didn’t age gracefully, but even today, I’d take her over Rose Marie in her prime!

3. leah remini

As Doug’s wife, Carrie, in
King of Queens
, Leah is every husband’s fantasy. And, she’s got that whole New Yawk thing going on to boot. Sexy, killer body — killer accent. Talks back a little too much for my taste, but as long as she knows when to keep her mouth shut, everything will be fine.

4. cher

Now, I know Cher probably won’t be on anybody’s list, but back in her day she was it. First off, in the opening monologue with Sonny, Cher never wore — how should I say it —

undergarments. If you were a young kid at the time, you went to bed thinking about that. Heck, as an adult I still go to bed thinking about that.

5. barbi benton

I hate to admit it, but I sat through
Hee-Haw
every week just to watch Barbi Benton. Man, those cut-off Daisy Dukes were just something you never forgot. What didn’t this woman have? She could be much higher on the list — but then again

— she was on
Hee-Haw
.

6. young sally struthers

Sally Struthers — let me rephrase that —
young
Sally Struthers. Back in the early ’70s there was nothing like Gloria Stivic on television. As a young kid, who didn’t notice those short miniskirts, that tight stomach, those two, giant, monster . . . eyes? Wow, Archie’s little girl was every little boy’s dream — “Those Were the Days.”

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Forgiven

7. jeannie

Call me crazy, but I liked Jeannie (Barbara Eden) much better when she was in civilian clothes. That Harem outfit was okay, but it was those killer legs. The one thing I never understood about
I Dream of Jeannie
was why Major Nelson didn’t just move into the bottle with Jeannie and never come out?

8. chrissy snow

You have to put Suzanne Sommers on this list — if you don’t, something’s wrong. However, the reason why she ranks only eighth is because the character was just too absent-minded for her own good. I don’t think dumb blondes are as appealing to men as some women believe.

9. jayne kennedy

To me, I never noticed Jayne Kennedy for her body — she was just a natural beauty. And at the time, when I was about 12 or 13, J.K. exemplified that forbidden fruit . . . and we all know what I’m talking about. She was just downright dangerous.

10. connie selleca

And you thought I didn’t have any class. During her
Hotel
years, Connie was the most beautiful woman ever to hit the small screen. And, you always looked at her as a lady. You never wanted to do more than just hug her. When all was said and done, that was the kind of woman I really wanted . . .

when I grew up, of course.

honorable mentions:

Susan Dey (Laurie Partridge), Valerie Bertinelli (Barbara Romano), The Golddiggers (Dean Martin’s variety-show dancers) and Diana Rigg (Emma Peel,
The Avengers
).

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After
Batman
ended its run, I was forced to hang up my terrycloth cape and mature to the age of nine. Though the Caped Crusader was highly respected, it was time to seek out a new, “real” role model. It wouldn’t be difficult . . .

A microphone stood in a single spotlight, then a voice from above would say, “Ladies and Gentlemen . . . mr. tom jones!” I’ll say it, because I can now get away with it — I wanted to be Tom Jones. This man was the hippest thing since the Footsie (a toy from my youth — if you haven’t experienced the Footsie, then you haven’t lived).

His moves, his mannerisms, ladies throwing underwear
everywhere!

The Fruitinator used to punish me by not letting me watch
This Is Tom
Jones
. That may seem gay now, but at the time it was cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, the Welshman was just so cool — every gyration turned the women in the audience to goo. What power there must be in entertaining — thousands of screaming fans there just to see you.

Growing up, that sensation always appealed to me. There was something about power I was intrigued with at an early age — not just any kind of power, but the power of entertainment. Which leads us to my original attraction to the World Wide Wrestling Federation (wwwf).

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. It was the early ’70s, I was maybe 11 at the time, and I was watching our 13 inch, black-and-white, $69 Emerson television set in our family’s guest room. There was no cable in my area yet, so we were only able to pick up a hand-ful of stations. I was flipping through the uhf channels, when I came across something that I just couldn’t take my eyes off — a grossly overweight man in a Hawaiian shirt, with a rainbow of rubber bands somehow attached to his walrus cheeks. As if that wasn’t enough, this real-life cartoon character was standing adjacent to two flashy, flamboyant, long-haired, shade-wearing blondes. The trio was Captain Lou Albano, Handsome Jimmy and Luscious Johnny — a.k.a. the Valiant Brothers. Their charm and charisma reached out and pulled me inside the television set. There was just something so exciting about this. It was new, it was fresh and it was
entertainment
. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on it — these guys were actors and they were 26

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Forgiven

good. Now please, don’t misread that last sentence — these guys no doubt were athletes, but they were, first and foremost, performers.

The ring was their stage, and the fans their audience. The event was nothing more than a play, chock-full of compelling and titillating story lines. It was larger than life, and there was nothing else like it.

Over the years, I became a dedicated wrestling fan — not as a mark (somebody
obsessed
with the wrestling business — wrestlers get highly offended when others in the business refer to them like this), but as a fan. From the moment I saw Captain Lou and the Valiants, I recognized the wrestling business for what it truly was — sports entertainment. I mean, how could anybody possibly think this sideshow was
real?
The business was what it was, and I enjoyed it for being just that. Back in the day, two of my all-time favorites were Chief Jay Strongbow and the “Big Cat” Ernie Ladd. The Big Cat, he was just “it.” Not only could he whoop any man, but his way with words was nothing short of brilliant. His best schtick came when he would refer to a very young Vince McMahon Jr. as “Mr. tv Announcer.” When I got into the business years later, it was both an honor and a privilege to meet all my boyhood favorites. Not only did I get to break bread with the Valiants, Captain Lou and the “Big Cat” (who had the biggest hands I’d ever seen), but I actually got to work with Chief Jay during my early days in the wwf.