“Bullshit,” Lance snapped. “They know I won’t go in the ditch, they will all stay there.”
“Brother, you were the one who said we didn’t need to hit a lot of stuff.”
Leaning up over the steering wheel with a grunt, Lance huffed, “Fine.”
Carrie looked up at Jennifer with her night vision. “I peed,” she whispered.
“I did too,” Jennifer said, still staring wide-eyed ahead, seriously thinking about turning her night vision off. If Lance was going to drive down a cliff, she really didn’t want to see it coming.
Chapter 12
March 14
They were east of Lafayette when Jennifer looked at the GPS. “The GPS says we have traveled sixty miles, but Lafayette isn’t that far from Lebanon; it’s only like thirty-something miles.”
“You can’t trust the skanky whore, Jennifer. Haven’t you learned anything?” Lance shouted, bent over the steering wheel.
“Sorry,” she whispered as Ian turned around.
“We have to take these back roads, and they don’t head in straight lines like the main roads do,” he said quietly.
“The whore likes fucking with us!” Lance shouted, making Ian aware he didn’t say it quiet enough.
Turning back around in his seat, Ian glanced over at Lance. “She’s given us warning on all our turns lately.”
“Just because the whore knows I’ll use a tampon on her ass!” Lance yelled, and Jennifer coughed, slapping a hand over her mouth and shooting snot out her nose.
Leaning over and glancing back, Ian saw Jennifer digging in a bag. “You found out what they are used for?” he whispered over to Lance.
“No, but it’s bad. You see the way that Frank guy took off running this morning after I threatened to use a tampon? It must be painful and degrading for a man to just make him run into a group of stinkers. I mean, he let them chew him up instead of facing a tampon,” Lance said quietly.
Thinking about it, Ian nodded in agreement. “The string isn’t that big; what the hell do you do with it? If women use it, tampons can’t be that bad.”
“Dude, remember in health class when we watched that child birth?” Lance asked, and Ian gave a shudder.
“Not funny, bro. I wanted to erase that from my mind. That’s not the image I want to remember for the honey hole. My God, think of the stitches they have to use to make it like it was,” Ian hissed.
“That’s my point; if women look at that as nothing, shit if I want to know what the fuck they do with a tampon. I’ll run my punk ass off like Frank did if someone comes at me with one,” Lance said and wiped sweat off his face.
Nodding in agreement, Ian watched the sweat drip off Lance’s face. “Why are you sweating? It’s freaking cold as hell in here.”
“Amigo, this driving shit is hard work. I have to hold my foot at just the right spot to stay at forty-five and have to worry about skanky bee-atch,” Lance said, tilting his head toward the GPS, but his eyes never left the road.
Turning to ask for a bottle of water, Ian found Jennifer with a hand over her mouth, having convulsions. “You laughing?” he snapped, and she shook her head, but Ian knew better. “Well, stop it. Lance is driving good now.”
“When haven’t I driven good tonight?” Lance snapped, and Ian refused to answer.
“I need a water bottle for Lance,” Ian said, holding out his hand.
With tears in her eyes, Jennifer bit her bottom lip and dug out a bottle then passed it up. Grabbing the straw off the dashboard, Ian held out the bottle, shoving the straw in Lance’s mouth. Ian’s eyes got wide as he watched the bottle drain faster with the straw than he could if he’d turned it upside down.
“Thanks, needed that,” Lance said, smacking his lips. Dropping the bottle on the floor, Ian reached over to pat Lance and felt he was soaked in sweat. He moved his hand to Lance’s chest rig and found even it was damp.
“Jesus, bro, you’re drenched.”
“I just told you this shit is hard. It’s not like X-Box,” Lance said then grinned. “I do wish we had one of those Twisted Metal rides. I could just hit the machine guns on some shit.”
Ian reached down, turning all the vents he could to Lance. “Want me to crack a window?”
“Fuck that,” Lance said, barely shaking his head. “I have night vision, but it’s still spooky out there. I see a motherfucker with a chainsaw and hockey mask, we see just how fast this Hummer will go. I don’t give a shit what’s in the way.”
“Bro, we talked about this shit. That’s why they all die in those movies; they panic.”
“Amigo, dead bitches are walking. I see a motherfucker wearing a hockey mask, we break the sound barrier,” Lance said then got a mischievous grin. “Well, if this is like a horror movie, we get to see naked women running around.”
“Not funny, dude,” Ian grunted, making a disgusted face. “I saw Ms. Stevens walking around naked as a stinker while you were asleep.”
“And you didn’t wake me up?” Lance snapped as Ian just shook his head.
“It wasn’t pretty.”
Lance groaned. “They tear her up?”
“No. She only had a bite on her leg near her ankle.”
Lifting his foot up some, Lance glanced over as the Hummer slowed. “So her skin would’ve been waxy white, but man, she had mega gazongas!”
“Trust me; they didn’t look right without her tight shirt on,” Ian said with remorse. “They almost touched her waist.”
Lance cringed. “Aw man, that’s just gross!” he cried out then turned back, leaning over the steering wheel and pressing the accelerator.
“You didn’t see it, amigo, and for that, be thankful. That wasn’t the sight I want in my mind for knockers,” Ian groaned.
In the back laughing quietly, Jennifer leaned over Dino, burying her face in his fur. “Oh man, I always wondered what boys talked about,” she whispered, wiping her face on Dino. Sitting back up, she panted, trying to catch her breath. A part of her wanted to join the conversation, but she was scared they would remember she was there.
“Merge left,” the GPS said, and Ian looked at the screen and saw the road they were on merge with another. “See, the bitch is fucking with us,” Lance said. “I can’t merge with that pasture.”
“Don’t, dude,” Ian said, straining to look ahead. “Holy shit, we are going to merge with another dirt road.”
Lance saw the road they were on slowly pull beside another and become one. “Fine, the whore got that one.”
“First programmed rest stop,” the GPS said, and even Lance looked at it; he did take his foot off the accelerator though.
“She’s trying to trick us,” Lance said, turning back to the road and pressing the accelerator.
Looking down at the map, Ian said, “Uncle Doug programmed rest stops. There’s nothing really around here.”
Slowing down, Lance looked around, and they had flat, freshly plowed fields on both sides of the road. He could see to the limit of the night vision goggles. “Okay, we’ll take a break,” he moaned, slowing down and looking at the GPS. He saw they had traveled over a hundred miles. “Don’t fucking think we stop every hundred miles,” he snapped, pointing at the GPS.
“We need the break, bro,” Ian said, and everyone moaned in agreement.
“Hey,” Lance snapped as the Hummer stopped. “Don’t get attitude; I will turn this motherfucker around and head back to Uncle Doug’s, and we will start this shit over again.”
They all just looked at him in shock. “Dude, you really want Dino to take a dump in the Hummer?” Ian asked, nodding toward the massive head between the seats.
Nodding, Lance looked around. “Good point, but don’t think this is something we do every hundred miles.” Leaving the Hummer running, Lance cracked his window and sniffed the air then opened the door and got out.
Ian jumped out and opened the back door, helping the little ones out. “Don’t get more than ten feet from me,” he said as Jennifer got out.
Even though she could see for over a mile, she had to agree it was spooky out there. “Ian, move over to the middle of the road so we can pee,” she said, grabbing the girls’ hands.
“You’re with them,” he said, scanning the area.
“Ian!” she snapped harshly. “I’m not asking you to hold our hand; just stay close.”
“Fine,” he said, moving over some, and Jennifer led the girls over to the side of the road. Ian saw Lance walking around, checking the Hummer.
He stopped at the front of the Hummer and looked at the hood. “Amigo, you’re not going to believe this, but there’s teeth stuck in the hood.”
“I’ll be there in a second,” Ian said, not turning to glance at the girls’ progress. Watching Lance come around, Ian jumped, seeing the colossal body of Dino come around the front of the Hummer. “You could’ve warned me that you let Dino out. I almost took off.”
Getting down on his knees and looking under the Hummer and trailer, Lance said, “You’re the one that said he might shit in the Hummer.”
“We’re done,” Jennifer said, walking past Ian as Lance walked around the back of the trailer.
Ian walked to the front of the Hummer and immediately saw three teeth embedded in the hood. “I don’t care who you are; that hurt.”
Pulling off his gloves, Ian took care of business as Lance walked around the front of the Hummer. “Making better time than I thought we would.”
“Yeah, we’ll be in Kentucky in a few miles,” Ian said, zipping up. “You already take a wiz?”
“Shit, my mouth is so dry I think it’s about to burst into flames.”
Ian reached out and touched Lance’s chest. “You’re soaking wet, Lance. You need to drink some water.”
Lance didn’t respond but was looking down at the hand Ian had on his chest. “Butt munch, you just wiped your piss and nut sweat on my chest.”
Dropping his hand with a sigh, Ian pulled on his glove. “I don’t piss on my hand; I know how to aim.”
“Let’s go; I want to get to the cabin,” Lance said, turning around. “I’m pissing on you when you go to sleep for wiping your pissy hand on me.”
“Chill out, dweeb. Where’s Dino?”
“He’s in the Hummer. He laid a fucking land mine in the middle of the road. If a car hits it, they will wreck.”
Ian grabbed his door and grinned, looking back at the pile. “Better on the road than in the ride. That load is bigger than a basketball,” he said, closing his door.
Lance adjusted the pillow he used to keep him close to the steering wheel. “I’m surprised Dino didn’t pass out.”
As Ian set his AR between his feet and Lance climbed in, Jennifer shook her head. “Honestly, you’re talking about a pile of shit. Can’t we find another topic?”
“Hey, you should’ve heard Dino groan,” Lance said, grabbing the steering wheel. “I thought a baby elephant was going to come out trumpeting.”
Jennifer shook her head as everyone giggled, and Lance shifted into drive. “Boys talk about some weird stuff.”
“Yeah, like girls don’t,” Ian huffed.
“We don’t talk about dogs taking a shit.”
Taking a breath to pop off, Ian thought better of it and pulled up his map. “Right turn one point one mile,” the GPS said. “The tires may be over a foot wide, but be damned if I’m going across a freshly plowed field,” Lance said as the needle on the speedometer hit forty-five.
“No, there’s a road up here, but we turn off it really fast,” Ian said, studying the map. “It seems for the next few miles, we do that.”
As Lance made the turn, the GPS told him another turn was coming. In less than ten miles, he was on his fourth turn. “This is getting old,” Lance mumbled.
“Left turn two point four miles ahead,” the GPS seemed to mock him.
“You hear that? That bitch is smiling as she shouts turns!”
“Lance,” Ian sighed. “When we get to the cabin, you can kill GPS.”
“About time,” Lance shouted with joy. Ian looked up and saw a form in the road, stumbling along.
“You sure it’s a stinky?”
“It’s in the middle of the road; it’s fair game,” Lance said, lining up the Hummer.
When they were several hundred yards away, the figure turned around, looking toward them. It could barely make out the dark shape moving down the road but heard the Hummer well enough and suddenly started jumping up and down, waving its arms. “It’s not a stinky,” Ian said, bracing for impact.
“It’s not one yet,” Lance corrected. “It’s trying to make me stop, it’s in the middle of the road, and I haven’t hit anyone in a long time.”
Agreeing with all but the last, Ian asked, “Can’t you try not to flatten him?”
Barely moving the steering wheel, making the Hummer move over a few inches, Lance maintained his speed and said, “Okay, I moved over.”
Ian almost sighed upon seeing the man run toward the ditch. “He will never know how lucky he was,” Ian mumbled.
Letting out a long sigh, Lance frowned as he kept his eyes and concentration on the road. “See, I didn’t chase him in the ditch.”
Looking at the GPS then his map, Ian said, “Very good,” then looked up. “We’re in Kentucky.” The girls gave out a cheer as Lance stayed hovering over the steering wheel. “Water,” Ian said, reaching back, and felt a bottle of water placed in his hands. He grabbed the straw and shoved the bottle in front of Lance. “Drink it,” Ian said with no emotion. When the bottle was empty, he tossed it to the floor as they rode in silence.
“Why is the sky so bright to the north?” Lance asked without looking away from the road.
Turning, Ian saw Lance was right. He lifted up his goggles, blinking. There was more than enough light to drive by without the goggles, but with them, it was much easier. “It looks…orange.”
“Left turn two point six miles then proceed one point four miles, and turn right,” the GPS announced.
Nodding, Lance growled, “Yeah, trying to confuse me now, aren’t you, cock knocker.” Turning north, Lance had to turn down the intensity of his goggles again. “Is there a football stadium up there?”