Fractured (18 page)

I sighed, exhaling shards of pain that cut me to ribbons from the inside out.
My mom
, I tried to say, but nothing came out.
Mom mommommommom.

It capsized me. Thirteen years of buried longing crashed over my body, crushing me. All those years, all those wishes, those fantasies that she’d come get me, that she would
rescue
me. Only to find out that she was trapped in oblivion, a place I couldn’t find on any map.

And now she was trapped somewhere else, just as unreachable.

Raphael bent over me, and from him flowed a golden sheet of light, radiating outward, spreading around us.
Wings
. Arching over me, shielding me while I cried and cried and cried, tossed by the waves in my mind. Within our shimmering shelter, he bowed his head and put his hand on my forehead.

“I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I can’t stop.”

“Take as long as you need,” he murmured. “I’ll wait for you.”

He sat motionless, eyes closed, anchoring me to
now
so that my memories couldn’t trap me
then
. His golden wings covered us, glittering diamond-bright, so beautiful it hurt, until I cried myself dry. And when my last sob fell silent, the glow around us retreated, rolling back into his body and fading away. He opened his eyes and looked into mine. “I’m going to let you sleep now, because I have to heal your body.”

I nodded, and he lifted the world from my shoulders.

My body was like a stranger’s. A warrior’s. Strong but scarred. My wet hair dripped rivers down my back as I let the towel fall to the ground and stared into the mirror. A starburst pink-silver scar marked my chest, hovering below my collarbone. My stomach was lined with Sil’s claw marks, silver-white. My dead best friend’s face was etched onto my forearm.

The marks of battle.

My skin was knitted together, smooth and decorated with scars that proved I’d fought back. And survived, unbroken. My mind was a different story. It was an open, tender wound, raw and throbbing, clamoring with the battle of
now
and
then
. I lifted my chin and glared into my own eyes, seeing nothing but her face. “The next time I see you,” I whispered, “I’m going to kill you. I won’t hesitate.”

I turned away and finished getting ready for school. I’d awakened a few hours ago from Raphael’s special brand of dreamless sleep, healed and well rested, at least on the outside. The Guard house was dark and silent. Malachi, Jim, and Henry were still in the field, and I slipped away in the night, too ashamed to see them.

Some Captain I was. They were better off without me.

Which is why I was so surprised when I found them parked outside Diane’s house as I left for school. Jim hopped out of the passenger seat. Malachi sat in the back. His eyes slid over me for an electric second, but his gaze didn’t reach my face before he turned away. Henry kept his eyes trained on the street in front of him.

“Captain,” Jim said as he joined me on Diane’s front steps. His hair was combed, and he’d shaved. He looked like the all-American poster boy. His blue eyes skimmed up and down my body. Not in a checking-me-out way, though. More in an I-heard-you-were-mortally-wounded way. When he was finished with his assessment, he squared his shoulders. “I wanted to ask you something. Can I …” He looked down at himself, and that was when I noticed he had a backpack slung over his shoulder. “Can I go to school with you?”

“Sure,” I said, watching Henry pull away from the curb, carrying Malachi away from me. “It’s a good idea, since the Mazikin may be after some of our classmates. What kind of school were you in before you … you know.”
Before you died
.

He frowned. “I’ve never been to a school.”

“How come?” He’d never talked about the life he led before he became a Guard. Neither had Henry, actually, and I hadn’t wanted to pry. But if he was going to join me at school, I needed to know he wasn’t going to cause more trouble than he was worth. “Were you raised in a time when there weren’t schools or something?”

“No, I was raised in a
place
where there aren’t schools.”

“And where’s that?”

He looked squarely at me. “I grew up in the Countryside.”

My mouth dropped open. “Huh?”

Jim clutched the strap of his backpack. “What do you think happens to those who die in childhood? Or as babies?”

“I never really thought about it,” I said quietly. “You died … young, then?”

“I was pretty much born dead,” he replied in a hollow voice. “I was alive for a few minutes, long enough to get a name, but that was it. And then I was raised in the Countryside with a bunch of other kids like me. They turn us loose when we reach maturity, and we stay … like this. Forever.” He gestured at his body and then raised his head. “I can read. I bet I can keep up.”

“Okay,” I murmured, pushing back all the billions of questions I had about what he’d just told me. “We’d better go or we’ll be late.”

“The incident at the homeless camp is big news this morning,” he explained as I backed out of the drive. “Only one survivor was found. A woman.”

“How old?” I asked. Had Harriet made it out all right? Was it the waitress? Or maybe that woman who’d traveled with her boyfriend from Maine? Or a Mazikin?

“They didn’t say. She’s in critical condition, and the news said the police are hoping to question her about what happened today, since she’s the only surviving witness.”

“How many dead?” My heart hammered. My brain tumbled with calculations.

“Four. Henry said he got two with his crossbow. Not counting you, of course.”

I stopped at a traffic light and sucked a quick breath through my nose, absorbing the impact of Jim’s little dig. “I killed two, I think.”

“That’s what he said. So no humans killed.”

My hands tightened over the steering wheel. “Maybe. We don’t know how many Mazikin were in that raiding party, and we don’t know if they were able to drag any of the campers away.”

“Which is what Malachi said.”

I turned into the school parking lot. “And what else did he say?”

Jim gave me a sidelong glance. “Not much.”

I pulled the keys from the ignition. My eyes drifted to the front of the school, where a huge pile of flowers, candles, and pictures marked the spot where Aden Matthews had been sacrificed in our private war. Ian and Greg trudged by it on their way in. Greg was talking a mile a minute while Ian’s bloodshot eyes slid over the makeshift memorial. He looked like he’d been up all night, and I felt awful for him. I sighed. “Did you and Malachi find anything on patrol last night?”

Jim shifted in his seat. “Sort of. All of the shelters were full and wouldn’t let us in. But at the one on Willard, we smelled them.” He shrugged. “Actually, the Lieutenant smelled them.”

“And?”

“He told me to cover the front door, climbed up a fire escape, and broke in through a second-floor window.”

At least he hadn’t gone crashing through the lobby, knives out.

“He didn’t find anything, though,” Jim added. “We think the Mazikin were creeping around outside at some point last night, maybe looking for recruits.”

I nodded. “They’re building their numbers by possessing people no one will miss. No one’s going to raise the alarm until their numbers are so huge that it’s too late to stop them.”

“Your classmate was different, though. He was missed.”

I closed my eyes. “Yeah. He was a victim of opportunity. They grabbed him because he was chasing them, trying to expose them. And he turned out to be much more valuable than they anticipated, I’m sure.”

Jim’s eyes followed Tegan as she and Laney walked up to Aden’s memorial, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers and a set of pom-poms. “They could try to do it again.”

“They will. They’ll be cautious because I’m sure they don’t want to be caught any more than we do, but we have to keep an eye on everybody just in case. Do you have a cover story for being here?”

“Raphael got me some papers. He said I could use them if you gave me the okay. I’m a transfer from Bishop MacDonald Prep.” His cheeks turned pink. “I was suspended for fighting and drinking on school grounds.”

I chuckled. “Sometimes I think Raphael actually does have a sense of humor. No offense.”

He rewarded me with a sheepish smile. “None taken.” He pointed at Tegan. “Um … who’s that? Did she know Aden?”

“Yeah, they dated for a while.” I glanced at him and caught the look of interest on his face. “Hey. Don’t get distracted, okay? Keep your focus on your
job
.”

The eager glint in his eye dimmed but didn’t quite die. “Yes, Captain.”

I pushed my door open and raised my head to see Malachi staring at me from the front of the school, his face a blank mask. I tore my eyes from him and muttered, “None of us can afford to be distracted right now.”

SEVENTEEN

MY FIRST FEW CLASSES
passed in a blur. During lit class, I stared at the back of Malachi’s neck without blinking. He didn’t glance at me once. But as I headed for biology, his fingers closed hard around my arm and dragged me into the hallway next to the gym.

His face was in front of mine before I could protest. And it was no longer unreadable. His frustration showed in the firm set of his mouth. “Why?”

I didn’t want to know what he was really asking, because then I’d have to really answer. Why hadn’t I captured a Mazikin to interrogate? Why had I nearly gotten myself killed? Why had I kept him in the field instead of letting him come back? Why was I such a screwup? There didn’t seem to be any safe ground between us. Every inch was laced with the mines of my mistakes and shortcomings. I fixed my eyes on his shoulder, on a tiny flaw in the stitching at his collar.

A group of guys walked by, throwing curious glances our way. I faked a smile. “We have to decide if we’re going to pretend like we’re together or not,” I said. “I’ll let you choose, but either way, I’d like to avoid drama that might distract from our mission.” My voice was robotic; I was reciting lines from a script I’d practiced this morning as I got ready.

“I don’t care about that.” His palms were flat against the wall on either side of my head. His scent, the warmth of him, both drew me in and filled me with the desperate need to escape. “I want to know what happened last night, Captain,” he said in a low voice. “Henry told me that you dove in front of an arrow to
protect
a Mazikin. I need to know why.”

I gritted my teeth. If I talked about my mother now, I would fall apart completely. The raw, tender wound inside my heart would break open again and leave me spilled out and ruined right in the middle of the hallway.

“I need to focus on getting through the school day, and so do you,” I snapped, staring at the now bulging tendon that joined his neck and shoulder. “I will brief you at the Guard house.
Later
. Now. Back. Off.
Lieutenant
.” The words shot from my mouth like bullets.

They hit their intended target. His hands fell away, and he drew himself up to his full height. I wanted to suck my poisonous words back into my mouth. I wanted to throw myself across the minefield, hoping he would catch me and carry me the rest of the way. I almost believed he would.

Until I saw the trembling clench of his fists.

“Yes, Captain.” He backed away slowly. “And in answer to your original question: It will be easier if we do not pretend.”

And then he walked away from me.

I set down my nearly empty tray and slid onto the bench next to Tegan, who was staring blankly at her plate of lettuce. “Hey,” I said softly. “How are you?”

“Hanging in,” she said. “They called me down to talk to Ketzler, so I got to skip lit. She thought I might be suicidal or something.”

I glanced over at her. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and looked like she might shatter. “Are you?”

Her gaze turned sharp. “Of course not. I just—” Her chin trembled, and her fingers scrabbled for her napkin.

A loaded tray landed on the table, and Jim lowered himself into the seat next to hers. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little packet of tissues. “Need another one?” he asked softly, holding them out to her.

She sniffled and accepted his offering. “Thanks. Did you survive your first lit class without me? Sorry I got pulled out.” She nudged him with her thin shoulder as she dabbed at her eyes.

“I barely made it,” he said, keeping his voice light. “I think Mrs. Peterson’s already decided I’m a lost cause.”

Tegan let out a raspy laugh. “I can help you out there. She loves me. I won’t abandon you again.”

I looked at Jim over her bowed head, and he raised his eyebrows, a silent
What else did you expect from me?
I gave him a warning glare and turned my attention to my apple as Jim and Tegan talked about the afternoon classes they had together. Laney set her tray down across from mine. She was pale, as usual, but her eyes were bright. She didn’t even say hi—she was too busy scanning the cafeteria. And I knew the moment she spotted her target, too, because her expression changed, becoming all gooey. She grinned and waved as Malachi seated himself at the end of the table. Laney and Tegan both zeroed in on the six feet and several open seats he’d put between us. Amazing how one little gesture gave everything away; how, with one simple decision about where to sit, he’d practically shouted that he was done with me to the entire student body.

Laney wore the tiniest of sly smiles as she slid her tray closer to his and sat down next to him. “Hey you,” she said.

He rewarded her with a killer smile that ripped me open. “I was hoping to see you,” he said to her. “Do you think you could help me with that web design assignment?”

Ian blocked my view of them a second later, thank God. With practiced movements, he pulled his milk and a bottle of juice off his tray, setting them down at ten and two around his plate. On autopilot, he sat down, and then paused for a moment, pulled from the everyday ritual. He looked over at Malachi and then at me, his eyebrows raised. I lowered my head and grabbed my apple, my stomach churning.