Fractured (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 3) (13 page)

“I said no, Faith, and that’s it. I won’t talk about this anymore, he works for the family until his final breath.” I hear the command in his voice. I still want to try and get my reasons why across to him, but right now it will fall on deaf ears.

“What if it was me? Surely you would do anything in your power to help me, give me whatever I needed to get through it?” she whispers across the room.

“Of course I would. You are my light and I told you I would protect you for life, but this is totally different,” he says to his wife in a soft, calmer voice.

“How is it different? That’s his WIFE, and his SON! What is the difference, Damien? None at all and you know it. It’s ok that you don’t want to lose Malc, but don’t push him more than he can take, Damien, or you will lose him for good. Trust me on this, I know how this path will end if you carry on down it.” Her tone is firm but still soft as she talks to Damien and I see his shoulders sag in defeat.

“I don’t want this, Malc, sit on it for a while. Let’s try other options first and if in a couple of months nothing’s helping we can revisit this then, but that’s the best you’re going to get out of me right now, Malc.” I nod at him and bow out of the office, heading straight down the hall to the kitchen.

I sit down at the table and pull out my phone to check for any calls or texts I may have missed, and sure enough I see a text from Camilla. I swipe across the screen to open the phone so I can read the text.

Camilla: Are you coming home? I’m sorry X

She has nothing to be sorry for; she is only trying to deal with it the best way she can. It’s me that should be sorry for not doing more for her and I have been pretending since she came back that everything’s fine. I can see now that was wrong and I need to get her some help, she needs to let it all out and find a healthy way of dealing with it.

I throw the phone onto the table, not able to face replying to her yet, she only sent it about twenty minutes ago.

I look up and see Faith stood in the door watching me, trying to gauge if it’s safe for her to come and talk to me. It seems the only person who speaks her mind at me, whether I want to hear it or not, is Camilla. That’s one of the things I love about her, she sees beyond the muscle and position that I have in the family. Only she sees the real man. Now I run the risk of losing her all over again.

Cami

What have I done? My sick needs have driven him away. I let the scalding water cascade down my body, not really caring if it burns every inch of my skin. How could I do it to him again? All I wanted was that high, that escape from my mind for a few minutes to find some sort of peace. Leaning my head against the shower wall I try not to let the darkness consume me. In the end, though, it always does.

I scream as loud as I can, but it only makes his eyes hungrier, his body more powerful, his hands more determined. The grip around my throat tightens and I start to see little white spots in front of my eyes as my hands claw at his fingers, trying to grasp any little bit of air I can get. My lungs burn; my screams now bated and rough.

His hips are between my legs forcing me to keep them open. The blade scrapes across my tummy as he plunges deep inside of me – not the gentle caress of a lover but the brutality of a man taking what he wants regardless of what I want, and I sure as hell don’t want his dick anywhere near me.

It burns like hell and I try to push him off but he is like stone, wont budge an inch. With every thrust I feel myself tearing open more, and a wetness forms that I know is not desire but my own blood.

The punches to the face start next after what feels like an eternity of his body using mine. Each blow he makes stops me fighting, not because I want to but because my subconscious is fading fast, too fast.

The last thing I remember is the gut wrenching pain in my abdomen, then my body falling limp for the last time and the world around me fading to black.

The tear tracks are streaking down my cheeks and I find myself now huddled on the shower floor – the water running cold. I don’t care, though, I just want each disgusting memory to fade. I sit for I don’t know how long, my teeth chattering with the cold, my body shuddering as all the warmth leaves me.

I finally drag myself from the shower and wrap a towel around my frozen body. In the bedroom I don’t even grab my clothes, I take my phone out and text Malc, that’s who I want here with me now, holding me, stroking my hair, telling me it will be ok. With no response, I climb into bed letting the tears take over but this time not out of a memory but out of the loss of the man I love most in the world, my husband.

“Cami, Cami.” I hear the whisper in my sleep and I try to open my eyes to find out who is calling me. My body is trying to awaken in the hope that Malc is home, but the voice is too soft for Malc, and as I wake more I realise it’s Faith I hear.

“Hey, sweetie, I brought you tea,” she says sweetly to me and her tone is more than I deserve.

“Thanks,” I say. I sit myself up in bed, only to see that I’m naked, I pull the covers up quickly to cover my scarred body. Tucking the quilt under my arms, I finally braving a look at my best friend.

“Where’s Malc?” I ask her, my voice still a little horse from crying.

“He has taken Charlie over to ours for a little bit so me and you could talk.” As soon as she says it I start to panic. Why has he taken Charlie away from me? What is his plan? Is it just to discard me and to keep my son away from me?

As if Faith senses my panic she puts her hand on my lap, trying to calm me down.

“Hey, don’t worry. They will be home in a little while. You are more important right now. We have a lot to go through and I want you to start at the beginning, Remember, Cami, I’m here to help you, not judge. I love you.” I can’t speak – the emotion running through me right now is too much so I just nod my head slowly.

“Right, I will leave you to get dressed but meet me downstairs. There are some things you might not be willing to talk about but you have to, Cami, it’s the only way you will start to heal.”

“Ok,” I say but it is barely a whisper. The soft click of the bedroom door tells me it’s all clear and I take I sip of my tea, enjoying the refreshing taste in my dry mouth. I dress in one of Malc’s t-shirts and a pair of stretchy yoga pants and slowly make my way downstairs. The house is so quiet without my family here to fill it up with laughter and joy.

I walk into the kitchen and see Faith sat at the table with a pot of tea in front of her. I see the scones on the plate and I instantly know that Lilly has been baking again; I have to admit that woman can cook. I sit in the chair opposite and pull a scone from the plate suddenly realising that I am famished, but hardly eating will do that to you.

“Where shall I begin, Faith?” I ask her, letting her lead this conversation. At least if she asks I will be able to give her the right answers, I think.

“Why don’t we start with why you’re doing this to Malc?” she questions me and that’s Faith, straight to the point no bullshit.

“When I got out of the hospital I had all of these skills on how to get through the day, coping mechanisms if you will. I was all set. I knew Jake was dead – Malc told me on one of his daily visits – but it did not prepare me for life on my own back in my apartment where he had stood and planned. I couldn’t eat or sleep. So I called Malc and he came over and lay with me on the bed while I tried to go to sleep and that first few nights it worked. But then it wasn’t enough to block it all out. The peace I found just lying in his arms dwindled and I had to find a different way of him helping me, but It had to be Malc. I only ever felt safe with Malc.” The words tumble from my mouth and I don’t even think about what I am saying I just try to let it all go, try to make someone else understand that I am not doing it to be a bitch to him, I can’t, I need him.

“So how did you go from being raped to using Malc as your own sex slave?” Oh great, she wants all the little details, but I suppose if she wants to understand I am going to have to give them to her.

“The escape wasn’t enough with him just holding me – I needed a bigger high. It started the same as any other night he came over, I got into bed and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close waiting for me to drift off. But that night was different, I woke up screaming, the nightmare was so real as if it was happening all over again. He asked me what was wrong, telling me he was here with me, that I was safe and nothing was going to hurt me again. I reached up and kissed him gently at first, it was like electric the second our lips met and I knew I needed more – the voices had disappeared again. He pulled away when I tried to deepen this kiss, his eyes locked on mine. I think he was checking I knew what I was doing, that if we crossed this line there was no going back.” I told her exactly how it happened down to how I felt. I couldn’t keep anything back from her any longer and I didn’t want to.

“Well don’t stop there, what happened next?” I see her eyes wide as she is waiting for me to continue. If I tell this next part this is where the ugliness seeps in, the guilt of all those months of what I did to him. If I tell her will it ease the guilt? Will it make what I did more acceptable? Will I stop feeling like I’m no better than Jake? I made him do it to me on so many occasions.

“I just nodded at him and he became insatiable like he couldn’t get enough of me. I know what you’re thinking: how could I stand to have any man touch me after everything I had been through? It was different with Malc, I never felt scared or trapped or like it was all he wanted, I trusted him with every fiber of my being. And when he stripped me down and plunged inside I realised that I was wet for him, but it wasn’t enough, I needed him to take me harder. I didn’t want loving I wanted using. I know that seems ironic but I wanted him to eradicate every last bit of Jake from my body. I thought the one time would be enough to help, but it wasn’t, I couldn’t get enough of him.”

“Wow, and I thought me and Damien had it bad for each other. You know he came to ours last night? He was devastated, Cami, and he told Damien he wanted out because he thought that was what you needed to deal with all this shit. But it’s not right now, Cami, you need proper help like you made me have. All those months of therapy helped me and it will help you, Cami, but you have to decide that you want help, that you want to get back to being the amazing woman that you are, that we all know you are.” Her admission shocks me a little and I can’t get over the ‘he told him he wants out’ part. That he is willing to give it all up for me.

“Why?” I ask, now it’s my turn for a question.

“Because he loves you, Camilla, he would die for you and Charlie. You didn’t see the way he cried and held you when he found you in that room. He loved you even all the way back then and that’s why he lets you do what you need to do. Do you think any lesser of a man would have stuck around while you demanded he was rough in bed with you? He did it in a safe and caring way.” I am reeling. He can’t have loved me back then – my body was a mess. I lost part of myself that day, a part that I will never get back, my scars are a testament to that fact.

“Ha! You’re joking, right? That man denied me what I needed until I agreed to marry him.” Faith’s head drops back in laughter and it’s a full on laugh which in turn makes me giggle a little.

“You would not have agreed if you didn’t want to marry him, sweetie,” she says through her laughter.

“You know what, you’re right. I did want to marry him, but I wanted him with me, not you and Damien. I thought the baby and marriage would keep him with me,” I tell her, the note of insecurity in my voice is present again.

“You have to fight for what you want, Cami, you were the one who told me that when I did not even want to go out of the door.” I see the pain cross her face as she dives into her own past. I have to try if I want to keep my man, I have to do this, pull myself back from the brink, because no one else can but me.

“I know but what if I lose him? I couldn’t take it again; it broke me the last time. That’s why I walked out and took Charlie and abandoned him. I thought I wouldn’t be able to deal with everything so I went into hiding hoping that I would just forget about everything. There is only so much a heart can take and after losing Andrew, mine was dead. I was dead inside and out, how was he supposed to love me then?”

“You should have stayed and let him be there for you. It wasn’t just you that lost your baby, Malc did as well. I am not saying that his pain was more because you carried him felt every move that he made inside your tummy, but Malc lost all of you and he was devastated when you left. We didn’t know why because he just kept it to himself, but his fighting and anger became a problem until he went to get you.” Her words hit me straight in the heart and it hurts all over again. How could I do that to him? Not once did I think about how he was suffering, I only thought about my pain. I was wallowing in self-pity and heartache and I just wanted to forget but I never could. Every time I look at Charlie I see Andrew, but most of all I see Malc.

“I want help, Faith,” I say to her as quietly as I can, the realisation hits me that I want to fight for my family but first I need to sort myself out.

“We will all help you, Cami, we will be here through it all, I promise.” As she finishes she gets up from her chair and comes around to me and her arms wrap around me as she clings to me. I cry because she is right, I have a great support network as long as I accept it.

“I’m sorry, Faith. I shouldn’t have blamed you and pushed you away when you offered help in the first place, I don’t blame you.” I had to get it out, even though the sobs wracking my body I had to tell her, she deserves not to feel guilty any longer, and I know Faith she would feel it for the rest of her life.

“I’m sorry I gave up.” It’s all she needs to say as we hold each other in the kitchen. The opening of the door draws both our attention to the sound. Malc walks in carrying Charlie in his car seat, I get up from the chair and walk over to him. He looks defeated, pained and lost. I caused that, no one else but me.

“I’m sorry, Malc. I need help I know that, I just don’t want to lose you.” He puts the car seat down and wraps his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I feel the drops of his tears against my neck and it strengthens my resolve to get through this, because a man like Malc doesn’t cry unless he is ruined.

“I love you,” he whispers. “I don’t ever want to lose you.” Now my hands grip him tighter at his declaration.

“Well, I think it’s my time to bow out, we will expect you both over this evening so we can form an action plan. Does that sound good to you, Cami?” Her order is clear that this is not really a choice, but she says it in a way that’s not threatening, just caring, I am on my last chance to sort myself out. How many times can I fuck it up before they don’t want to help me anymore? That’s something I’m not willing to risk anymore.