Fragile Bonds (13 page)

“Let me,” I say softly, running my hand down his arm. I need to put distance between us because the feel of his worn cotton t-shirt is too inviting. I want to wrap my arms around him, resting my head against his chest as we watch Jacob and Brody roll around on the laminate flooring. “You go relax this morning, I’m sure you need it.”

Xavier’s blue eyes soften as he assesses me. “Melanie, you’re our guest. You don’t have to cook for us.”

“No one said I
had
to, but you’re letting me stay here for free, so I’m going to make breakfast. Go.” I shoo him out of the kitchen and start pulling out ingredients for a hearty breakfast. If I have anything to say about it, and I will because he just handed me the “guest card” we’re going to be spending most of the day outside. I can’t wait to have willing subjects to practice some new photography tricks I read about last night. We’re all going to need the energy.

“Miss Melanie, can I show you the dooms later today?” Jacob asks around a mouth overflowing with syrup-saturated pancakes. I figured it was a bad idea to let him put syrup on his own food, but it wasn’t my place to tell Xavier how to parent, so I watched as
Jacob created a lake of maple goo on his plate.

“Jacob, they’re
dunes,
not dooms,” Xavier chuckles, leaning back in his chair, hands resting on his stomach. It’s the type of move I would expect from someone with a sizeable beer belly, but watching Xavier sitting that way just looks strange. “And yes, we’ll take Miss Melanie and show her your favorite places. But first, you need to get dressed.”

I’m impressed when Jacob places his fork neatly on his plate and carries it to the sink.
It’s something simple, but I know how he and Xavier used to fight about the task. Maybe they’re finding their natural groove, father and son trying to work together to find a way to co-exist in peace.

“Miss Melanie, do you want to see my bedroom?” Knowing from my conversations with Xavier that the two of them are sharing a room right now, I’m reluctant to follow when Jacob grabs my hand, pulling with all the force his small body will allow. It feels like an invasion of privacy to go into Xavier’s room. I don’t belong there. But then I see the twinkle in Jacob’s bright blue eyes and I’m unable to resist. “My daddy lets me sleep with him because it keeps the bad dreams away. I hope you won’t have bad dreams in my old room here. Do you want me to show you my old room?”

Excellent idea. As much as his rapid-fire questions and comments generally make my head spin, this morning I’m grateful for a reason to put off entering Xavier’s space for a bit longer. As soon as we cross the threshold into the smaller of the two bedrooms, Jacob’s shoulders slump forward as he kicks the carpet. I want to know what caused the mood shift, but I don’t ask because I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on.

“This is a great room, Jacob!” I say with feigned enthusiasm. I scoop him into my arms again, hoping that he’ll feel safer being so close
to me. For as long as Xavier will allow me, I will make sure Jacob knows I’ll do everything I can to keep him smiling.

“I liked it, but I kept waking up at night. If bad dreams live here for you too, you can come sleep by me and Daddy, okay?” I just about choke when I hear Xavier clearing his throat behind us. I look to him, hoping he’s going to field this statement because I’m not going to be the one to break Jacob’s heart by telling him there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell I’ll climb into bed with Xavier.

“Buddy, I bet Brody will be able to keep Miss Melanie safe at night,” Xavier says quickly. Good to know one of us adults is able to think on our feet. Jacob looks over to me and I nod, confirming what his father has said. “Now, why don’t you go get dressed? Your clothes are on the chair.”

I set Jacob on the ground and watch as he runs into the other room, leaving me alone with Xavier. I know this bedroom is small, but it feels as if the walls are closing in around me with every step he takes closer to me. This makes no sense to me because I am
not
interested in Xavier. I’m here because he and Jacob need me. That’s all. I back up until the back of my knees hit the bed and he keeps moving closer. He’s firmly planted in my personal space when he swings my heavy suitcase onto the bed. We stand there, staring into one another’s eyes for what feels like minutes. When I begin to chew the bottom of my lip, Xavier’s gaze briefly drifts down before he shakes his head and walks away from me. I can’t hear what he’s mumbling as he walks out of the room.

Maybe asking her to stay here was a bad idea. There aren’t enough pep talks and warnings in the world to keep me from being drawn to her. And doesn’t that make me the king asshole? While I have no clue what would be considered an acceptable amount of time to berate myself for noticing another woman after Alyssa’s death, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s longer than a month. Especially when
the said woman is an ex who also happened to be a friend to my wife. But, what can I do now that she’s here? Jacob will be crushed if I tell her that I think it would be better if she stayed in the motel down the road.

“Daddy, can we take a picnic with us? I can help make the sandwiches,” Jacob offers as he runs down the hall. I’m fairly certain the boy only has one speed and that’s full. No matter how many times I tell him to walk, he runs everywhere. And I let him because I’ve learned to pick my battles and this is one that can wait.
He flings open the cabinet door and starts transferring food onto the dining table. “We can take cookies and oranges with us. And juice boxes. And grapes. And crackers.”

He keeps rattling off just about everything we have in the small pantry and I can’t help but laugh. Jacob is filled with life today that I haven’t seen from him since we came
back from the cruise. Things got serious within days of being home and I think he knew it. It’s good to see more than fleeting smiles which quickly fade. “Buddy, we’re not going camping. I don’t think we need to take
all
of the food with us.”

Melanie walks out of her room wearing a long cotton skirt and simple white tank top, her hair pulled into a messy bun and sunglasses perched on top of her head. She leans against the wall, cupping a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I glance back at her and she winks at me, motioning for me to go back to helping Jacob.

I start putting snacks back into the pantry, leaving a few of Jacob’s favorite items on the table. Brody slides across the laminate floor as he tries to stop, making both of us double over in laughter. It feels
really
fucking good to be living again, even if just a little bit.

After spending the entire day on the beach, Xavier and I escorted one overtired and cranky preschooler and an exhausted dog back to the condo. It wasn’t ten minutes after Xavier got Jacob out of the shower that those two were curled up on the couch, fast asleep. While Xavier finishes getting dressed, I pull out my camera, grabbing a few quick shots of Jacob and Brody snuggled up together.

“Are you turning into one of those crazy women who is constantly taking pictures of unsuspecting people?” Xavier laughs as he heads for the kitchen.
I catch myself breathing in deeply, taking in the spicy smell of body wash that has been left in his wake. I really need to get a grip. He hands me a soda and I follow him out to the balcony, camera still in hand.

“I’m not that bad,” I reply, knowing that yeah, I am turning into that type of person.
After so many years doing what I thought I loved and then realizing that it was slowing sucking the life out of me, it’s good to have something to feel passionate about.

Xavier looks down at my camera before I feel his eyes creeping slowly up my body. He’s not leering and it doesn’t feel sexual, but it’s definitely a different vibe than we had before. Everything about today is different than it was just a month ago and I think we’re both struggling with how to process the changes. “I dare you to take it back inside,” he challenges me.

“Done,” I say, reluctantly opening the sliding glass door. When I look back to him, I wish I hadn’t been so quick to answer because I would love to get a shot of him standing there, looking more relaxed than I’ve
ever
seen him, with a nearly full moon low in the sky as a backdrop. “See, I’m not that girl.”

He pats the cushion next to him on the swing. There’s a small part of me telling me to lean against the railing, to keep a safe distance from him. The rest of me rationalizes that there’s nothing wrong with sitting next to a friend, listening to the waves crash against the sand in the distance. That is the part that I listen to.

For the first time since November, the silence isn’t deafening. I pull my legs close to my chest, allowing Xavier to gently rock the swing. We both stare into the inky darkness, soaking in the noises of the cool night.

“How long are you staying here?” I ask quietly. I’ve been wondering for a while now how long he plans to stay away from Wisconsin, but tonight is the first time I’ve worked up the courage to ask. If I were in his shoes, I can’t imagine I’d be eager to leave a place as beautiful of this to go back to memories of what I’ve lost. But that’s not his style. Xavier is a very ordered man and he has a job that he loves waiting back home. And as much as I can tell Jacob loves being a beach bum, he needs to get back to his friends at preschool. Both of them need a level of structure they aren’t getting here.

“I’m not sure,” Xavier sighs. I look over to him and see the mask of sadness lowering over his face. It’s the first time since I arrived that he’s looked like this and I kick myself for doing that to him. “I have four weeks of leave left, but I don’t know if I can go back.”

I lean forward, resting my head on my arms, willing him to keep talking to me. Xavier once told me about a theory called
the octopus reflex. He said that if you want to get an octopus out of the entrance to an underwater cave, you have to go against your own instincts. Rather than pull on the animal, you simply push gently and the octopus will be so shocked it will dart out of the entrance, thinking you want it inside. Right now, I need to be the scuba diver, trying to lure him out of the cave. The best way to do that is to stay silent.

“
I feel like I need to give myself and Jacob a fresh start, somewhere that we won’t have so many bad memories. That’s why I love being here. He’ll talk about her from time to time, but he doesn’t seem as sad as I thought he would be. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize that she’s actually gone.” Even in the shadows, I can see his jaw tense when he finishes his thought. The only sound other than nature is him gently squeezing the aluminum can in his hands. It’s one of the few nervous ticks that man has.

“But what will that teach him?” It’s time to get back to human reflexes, and every one of mine is telling me it’s time to challenge him. I understand wanting to run away from the difficulties in life. I also know that eventually, the time will come when he has to face going home. “Would you want Jacob running if things got bad between the two of you when you’re older? You need to be home where there are people who love you.”

“The only person there for me anymore is Braydon. And I’m sure he’d find every opportunity possible to escape to the club.” My chest feels heavy with his assumption. How can he think Braydon is his only support? Have I not told him that I’ll always be around?

“Xavier, you know I’m here too,” I promise him yet again. “We might not be the biggest support network in the world, but between me and Bray, you have nothing to worry about.”

I allow Xavier to pull me close to his side. Feeling the warmth of his body, the hardness of his chest under my hand, I tamp down my fears. He’s a friend seeking the comfort of a friend. We can do this.

“I don’t think I can go back to the house.” The longer Xavier talks, the quieter and more melancholy he sounds.

“Then don’t,” I say with a shrug. “Find an apartment for the time being and hire movers to pack and transport everything. But you need to think about that because the only memories of Alyssa that Jacob will ever have are all in that house. That’s his home too.”

Xavier leans over, placing a chaste kiss on the crown of my head.
Friends, just friends.
“I know I’m being selfish on this one, but I’ve loved twice in my life and I’ve lost twice in my life. Both in the same house. It’s time to move on.”

I can feel those damn tears again and I wish there was a way to block them. He sounds certain that the only way he’ll consider going home is if he never has to walk through that particular front door again.

“Then find a new place. If it helps, I’ll make some calls and get you a lease until you decide if you want to buy a new house and we can hire movers to pack.” I’m certain that with one phone call, albeit a somewhat unpleasant one once Tyler finds out who I’m trying to help, I’ll have a place secured for the two of them.

One of the biggest things I know about Xavier’s personality is that it’s like pulling teeth to get him to ask for or accept help. But it’s time he learns that he’s not in this alone and it’s not a sign of weakness to do so.

“Melanie, you don’t have to do that,” he groans. The feel of his hand gently gliding up and down my arm is lulling me to sleep. I blink hard a couple of times, trying to hide how ready I am to fall asleep in his arms. Not because they’re his, but because they’re here and I haven’t slept more than three hours per night for too long.

“
You’re right, I don’t have to. But I want to.” I let out a long yawn and I know I’m going to have to head in soon. “I have a friend who manages some properties, we’ll give him a call and see what he has. Deal?”

“Are you going to call even if I say no deal?” Xavier chuckles. He gently pushes me away from him, standing to help me out of the swing.

“Probably,” I admit. No sense telling him I won’t. It’s a toss-up on which of us is more stubborn, and this time I’m going to win. We walk in the house and Xavier scoops up his son before heading to bed. “Goodnight, Xavier,” I whisper loudly.

True to her word, Melanie is sitting at the table, phone cradled on one shoulder as she types notes on her laptop. “Okay, thanks Tyler,” she says sweetly before ending the call. “Oh, hey! I have good news. Tyler said he has a two bedroom on the west side that’s available now.”

I pour myself a cup of coffee, wondering what time she got out of bed that she’s so perky this morning. I almost prefer pre-caffeine Melanie to this version. Almost. “Melanie, I told you I’m not sure I’m ready to go back,” I grumble, lifting the hot liquid to my lips.

“And I told you that I’m not letting you run away,” she retorts, standing with her hands on her hips. We enter a
masters level staring contest, but I lose it when she cocks one eyebrow. I
always
lose it when she does that. “This is a great place, good school district for next fall, close to the highway for you to get to work, and he’s going to waive the security deposit.”

Now that I’m beginning to wake up a bit, I realize that I’ve heard this guy’s name before. “Do you mean Tyler, as in gay best friend Tyler?” I ask, not sure how else to phrase the question. If it is him, I can’t imagine he knows who I am or he probably would have told Melanie that she had lost her mind if she thought he would help me.

“Yeah, that’s the one,” she says, bending into the fridge to pull out the carton of eggs. I clench my eyes closed when I catch myself staring at her perfectly round ass. “He also said they have a moving company they work with frequently and he can call them as soon as you’re ready. Because of me, he’s also willing to do all of this and have you sign the paperwork and pay first month’s rent when you get back.”

She’s like a steamroller this morning. Even if I tried fighting with her, I’m not sure I could get a word in. And it’s obvious that she has decided that
I
am moving. When did she become such a pushy broad? “And what if I don’t want to move there? What if it’s a dive?”

Melanie turns the laptop in my direction and I see a slideshow scrolling across the top of the screen.
This apartment isn’t like anything I’ve ever lived in. It’s gorgeous. I roll my eyes, not wanting to let Melanie know just yet that she managed to find the perfect place for me and Jacob.  While she finishes making breakfast, I return to my bedroom to find that Brody has jumped onto the bed and is once again curled up next to Jacob.
I wonder if this place allows dogs.

All morning, I work harder than I should
to come off as distant and aloof when I’m around Melanie. She’s pushing all of my buttons, but it’s not pissing me off the way it normally would. Instead, I feel grateful for whatever stars aligned to bring her back into my life. Her incessant need to have everything in order is just what I need right now because it’s driving me insane that I’m putting so much effort into trying to appear normal for Jacob’s sake that I no longer give a damn about the things that used to mean so much to me. She’s probably the one person who can help me right now, simply because she is the only person other than Braydon who truly knows me.

“If you don’t want to take the apartment, just tell me,” she says as we walk along the sand. Before Alyssa died, I couldn’t imagine being content walking up and down the beach all day, watching Jacob play, but now, I wish I could do it forever. I don’t want to miss a minute of his life, but I know that I’ll have to when we go home. Who’s going to take care of him when I’m on business trips? What if I have a late meeting? These are two more reminders of how much Alyssa did for me. Things that I took for granted.