Fragile Bonds (19 page)

No longer able to resist the urge to feel her lips against mine,
I place my lips at the corner of her mouth, trying to gage her reaction. When she doesn’t pull back, I repeat the gesture on the other side before running the tip of my tongue across her lower lip. I pull back, looking into her deep brown eyes, smiling as I remember the way gold flecks seem to dance around her irises when she’s turned on. If the way her body slumped against mine as our lips touched wasn’t confirmation enough that she wants this as much as I do, that glint in her eyes is a dead giveaway.

I tighten my grip around her waist, pulling her body tight to mine. She lets out a gentle moan as my lips cover hers in a hungry, needy kiss. Her lips part, inviting me into her warm mouth.
Our tongues dance and curl around one another, as if committing each other’s tastes to memory. Never before has the taste of mint left me needing so much more. As the kiss intensifies to a lust-filled, savage exchange, I feel my cock begin to swell between our bodies.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can feel a tug at the hem of my shirt, closely followed by delicate fingers leaving trails of fire along my already heated flesh
. Being this close to Melanie, feeling her mouth on mine is like heroin to me. Kissing her isn’t enough, I need more. But I’m determined to take things slow this time.

“I’m sorry,” I say in a strained voice.
With a strength I wasn’t aware I possess, I manage to pull myself away from her. We’re standing at the point of no return and I know that even another second of feeling her body melding to mine would cause me to lose the ability to stop.

“It’s okay,” she assures me tenderly, running her small hand up my chest.
She moves closer, refusing to give me the space I desperately need. She continues to trace the lines of my upper body, thankfully over my shirt this time. My head tips back, eyes closing as I give myself a moment to just feel her so close to me. A small part of me still worries she’s going to be the voice of reason, telling me again that the risks outweigh the benefits. “I’m a big girl. I knew what was going to happen when I walked in your front door. I still have concerns, but I’m tired of pretending.”

The immature part of me wants to do a fist pump, but I contain my elation. “We have to get out of here,” I tell her,
knowing that I can’t be anywhere with her and private horizontal surfaces right now. Once the adrenaline wears off, it’ll be different, but having her back in my life, truly with me, I want to take her into my room and show her how much I’ve missed her for the past nearly seven years.

Now that we’re not trying to fight our feelings for one another, we’re able to sit in comfortable silence as Xavier drives north out of Madison. I don’t have to ask him where we’re going
. I know we’ll stop at the little deli on the other side of the river before heading to Devil’s Lake for the day. It’s the place we spent almost every free weekend when we were a couple, climbing the bluffs and stopping to have a picnic along the way. I lean my head back against the seat, enjoying the feel of his hand resting on my thigh.

I sit in the car while he picks up our lunch, trying to wrap my head around the whirlwind that is my life. After spending far longer than I’ll ever admit to anyone wishing Xavier would come back to me and finally giving up on that dream, here he is. I’ve always believed that every little thing that happens in life happens for a reason, but I refuse to apply that logic here because that would mean Alyssa’s illness and death is the reason we’re together now.
Instead, I will revel in the fact that we are back together without thinking about the why.

“You okay?” Xavier asks as he hands me the plastic bag filled with fresh cheese, cold cuts and crusty bread. I close my eyes as he runs the backs of his fingers down my cheek. When I open my eyes to look at him, I wonder if he can see the
conflict running through my mind.

“I’ll be fine,” I respond uncertainly. I feel like the worst friend ever, moving on with Alyssa’s husband so soon after her passing. Telling myself that she was a client, not a friend, does nothing to ease my guilt because I know she quickly grew to be more than that. I shared more with her in the last few months of her life than I have with Stacey in a few years. And when she found out my biggest secret, she still didn’t turn me away. Instead, she encouraged me to let this happen. But would she have wanted it so soon?

“Mel, I know you better than that,” he says, trying to come across as unaffected. “And believe me, I have a feeling we have a lot of the same shit going through our heads right now. I don’t like the fact that, as much as I love you, I feel guilty for moving on. There are going to be days when something happens that reminds me of Alyssa, and then I’ll feel guilty because I know that you’re the one person I can openly talk to about how much I miss her. And I do. I miss her every single day.”

Listening to him finally open up to me this way doesn’t hurt the way one might imagine. Having Alyssa be a part of our lives even though she’s gone isn’t a threat to me. I was there to see what they shared with one another and I would never ask him to keep that from me. “
The way I see it, we’ve both been fighting ourselves for a while now. I feel like crap for wanting to be with you because I know what you’ve been through. I feel like a bad friend to Alyssa because I’m not strong enough to wait some arbitrary amount of time before seeing where things lead with you. But we are the ones who are living. You knew her better than I did, but I have a hard time believing Alyssa would want us feeling guilty. She knew this was pretty much inevitable,” I say, waving my hand between our bodies. “And as for me, I don’t expect you or Jacob to ever hold back from talking about Alyssa. I may not have known her very long, but I know she was a great woman. And unfortunately, the only way Jacob is going to remember her is if you do talk. I get that.”

Xavier grips the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles begin to turn white. I know it’s not anger, but I want to get him out of this mood that’s threatening to cast an ugly shadow on what should be a good day for the two of us. “I just…I need to know that you’re not going to get sick of it and leave. I don’t want to lose you again.
I
can’t
lose you, too.”

I turn in my seat as we near a red light. Once the car is stopped, I reach for his chin, turning his face to mine. “Whatever happens between us, the one thing I can promise you is I will
never
leave because you won’t forget about her. I’d be more upset if you did try to push her memory aside. She’s a part of you and a part of Jacob. And when it comes right down to it, she’s a part of us because if she hadn’t been sick, we would have gone on living our separate lives.”

As Xavier leans in to kiss me, a horn blares behind us.
We break apart, both of us laughing at being caught like teenagers. The mood returns to a more contemplative state as Xavier pulls away from the light. I stare out the window as Xavier makes his way down the highway, uncertain what to say next. Xavier doesn’t seem to be in the mood to keep talking about our relationship or Alyssa, but the silence is deafening.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do about work?” I ask, knowing that he’s expected to go back next week. He doesn’t need me to point out the fact that there’s no way he can be gone as much as he used to be, but I’m not sure what that means for his position. I’d prefer if he never had to travel, but I know that’s not a possibility given the fact that his job is to oversee the installation of new medical technology systems at hospitals around the country. He wasn’t at Infinity Solutions for a month before they had him flying to a new city every week.

“Not yet, but I want to talk to you about that.” He looks over at me, looking slightly more relaxed than a few minutes ago. “Braydon made me an offer last night that I’m thinking about taking. His partner is looking to sell his stake in the club and Braydon wants me to buy in.”

It probably makes me a hypocrite, but I’m not thrilled with the idea of Xavier being involved in the daily operations at Artemis. Braydon treated me well for the two years that I worked for him, but being around the women day in and day out means I know exactly how skanky they can be. Most of them think the best way to move up to the VIP Room is to offer sexual favors to management. And seeing as I know Braydon has never taken any of them up on their propositions, they would likely see Xavier as the better target. Artemis might be an upscale club, but it’s still a business where sex and skin are the preferred currency.

“Okay?” I say, not knowing what he expects from me. We’re only an hour into being a couple again, so it’s a bit premature for me to risk coming across as the jealous girlfriend.

“Melanie, if I do this, I need to know that you’re okay with it. If we’re together, I’m not going to make a decision this
important without talking to you first.” The weight of his words settle on my chest, vanquishing the last remnants of the high I’ve been riding since our kiss.

It’s still a little chilly with the wind blowing across the lake, but the sun is shining down as we pull into the parking area. Melanie hasn’t said much since I brought up working with Braydon and I’m beginning to worry that she’s already pulling away from me. I don’t want her freaking out, thinking that I’m already hearing wedding bells with her because I’m definitely not, but if she’s not comfortable with me being involved in the club, I’ll tell Braydon no. There are plenty of other opportunities out there for me, this just happens to be one that would give me the most freedom to be there for Jacob and build something of my own instead of working for others.

I reach for Melanie’s hand, threading our fingers together as we start to make our way up the rocky trail. This was always our preferred route because of the scenic outlook at the top of the bluff. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to stop along the way and talk without having to worry about too many other hikers passing by. “Talk to me,” I say, hoping she can’t hear the desperation in my voice. Until she tells me what she’s thinking, I’m going to sit here jumping to conclusions.

“I think you need to do whatever you feel is best for you and Jacob,” she responds. “Even if things were different, it would still be your decision.”

We’ve barely started the first steep ascent, but I pull Melanie to a rock outcropping, motioning for her to sit. At this rate, we’ll be lucky to make it to the top but I can’t wait another
forty-five minutes to have this discussion with her. “That’s the thing, Melanie. It’s not just me and Jacob. I’m not going to do this and have you get pissed off at me about it. I’m done telling myself that there’s some unwritten rule about how long I have to wait to be with you. I’m through with keeping you at a safe distance. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it. There are some things we’ll take our time with, but this is a long term decision for me, meaning I want your input.”

She shifts further back on the large boulder, making room for me to sit next to her. Once I settle into place, she leans against my side. I take her nearness as a sign that she’s at least willing to hear what I have to say, but I need her to respond. With every passing second, I can feel her body relaxing, but she has yet to say anything. Instead, she reaches down to pick at her shoe laces, then bits of debris on the surface of the rock. She’s mulling over my words, so I force myself to be patient.

Melanie looks up to the sky, pursing her lips. My heart starts racing, still wondering how she’s going to react. “Okay, if you want my honest opinion, I’m not thrilled with the idea,” she says, finally turning to look at me. I press my lips to her forehead, as she continues to speak. “If you do buy in, you need to tell Braydon that you have to be on the business side that you can’t be there until bar time. Jacob needs you home with him at night.”

“Right, and we already talked a bit about that,” I inform her. Even though she’s still framing this to sound like her reservations are all related to Jacob and my ability to be there for bedtime for him, the crease in her brow tells me that’s not all that’s going on. I sit for a moment, rubbing my hand up and down the length of her bare arm, debating how hard to push her for the rest of her issues. “Braydon told me that the way they have it set up now, he handles most of the front-of-house management and Garrett handles the books. But there will be
one or two nights each week when we both have to be on the floor.”

She should know all of this. When she was in grad school, Melanie was one of Braydon’s best bartenders. That’s the other reason I wanted her input; she knows what the club is like, knows what type of problems they run into.

“I don’t see that as a huge problem. I could watch Jacob those nights.” She rolls her head from side to side, probably to get rid of the tension that flooded her shoulders when I told her I would be working a few night shifts a week. Seeing as she adores Jacob almost as much as he’s grown to love her, I know this has nothing to do with him, but I don’t press. “Actually, yeah, I do have a problem with it,” she adds, turning so she’s staring directly at me. “When I worked there, you hated the thought of other men looking at me even though they couldn’t touch. I’ve seen some of those girls and you don’t have the same security I did. There’s nothing stopping the dancers from trying to flirt with you and that pisses me off.”

It’s adorable to see her get so riled up over the thought of someone hitting on me. What she doesn’t get is the hottest dancer in the club could drop to her knees and offer to suck me off and it wouldn’t interest me.
I meant it when I told Melanie I will do everything I can to make sure I don’t screw up again.

I stand, pulling her to the edge of the rock so my legs are straddling her body. “Are you getting jealous already?” I ask playfully, cupping her face in my hands. Even being in the park does little to squelch the desire building inside of me right now.

Our eyes lock, staring at one another as my thumbs graze along her cheeks. She pulls the corner of her lip between her teeth as her breathing shallows. I lean in, softly covering her mouth with my own, loving the gentle moan that escapes as her lips part for me. There’s no sense of urgency in our kiss, only the deep need to stay connected. Melanie’s hands slide beneath my t-shirt, sending a tingle up my spine. She deepens the kiss, her eager tongue conveying the message to me that I am hers as much as she is mine. Surrounded by the sounds of nature, it’s a kiss that begins to heal our wounds.

“I wouldn’t say jealous,” she says breathlessly after breaking the kiss. Her body is still pressed against mine and my cock stirs, remembering how amazing she feels when there isn’t the barrier of fabric between us. As much as I crave that feeling again, I refuse to rush that aspect of our relationship. “But I’m not above making it clear to them that I know their silly little games. I swear, if you come home smelling like cheap perfume, I might be forced to hurt someone.”

I lift her off the rock, swatting her ass playfully as we start walking again. I don’t need her to admit that it bothers her to think about me being around that much bare flesh, it’s enough for me to know she cares enough to be jealous.

With the air clear between us once again, we’re able to enjoy our walk. At times, the incline is so steep that our conversation dies off so we can pay attention to our footing. Other times, we slow to point out wild animals in the distance or birds high in the trees. Finally, we make our way to the clearing at the top of the bluff. We pass the observation point in favor of a secluded clearing in the trees. As we near our spot, I start to reminisce about the times we used to share up here, wondering if she’s doing the same thing. These rocks are where we made most of our plans for the future. Deeper in the woods is where we escaped to when we couldn’t stand the thought of waiting until we got home to be together.

“Will you tell me about how you and Alyssa met?” Melanie asks me as I lay out food between us on the flat rock. I’m caught off guard by the question and honestly not sure I want to talk about this right now. This is my time with Melanie in our special place and I don’t want her to think that Alyssa is always going to be an invisible third party in what we share. She reaches for my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze that matches her loving smile. “You don’t have to now, but I want to know more about her.”

“You’re a strange but amazing woman,” I laugh nervously. I realized shortly after Melanie started taking care of Alyssa just how strong she is now. I can’t imagine I would have been as kind and compassionate if roles were reversed and I had been expected to be face to face with a man in Melanie’s life. And to then want to know more about my time with Alyssa? It just goes to show what a genuine heart she has. “There will be time for that, but today I want to talk about you. I want to know everything you’ve been doing for the past six years.”

Melanie shrugs as she makes herself a sandwich. “There’s not much to tell. After you left, I put every ounce of attention into my coursework so I could graduate as quickly as possible. I started working for CompCare right after graduation and did that until I felt like I couldn’t stay there any longer.”

“Why did you quit?” I ask. It’s a question I’ve almost brought up several times, but didn’t want to pry. I’ve spent a lot of time doing that when it comes to Melanie, knowing that every fact I learn about Melanie is going to make me love her that much more. “You were always talking about how you couldn’t wait to be a nurse, to actually get out there and help people rather than learn about how to treat patients.”

“It was time for a change,” she sighs, sadness veiling her delicate features. “When you watch one patient after another pass away, have to meet new families knowing that you’re going to eventually be the one telling them their loved one’s fight is over, it gets hard. With every case, it took more of a toll on me, and it got to a point where I felt like I was losing a piece of myself every time someone took their last breath.”

Tears well in the corners of her eyes and I know we’re both thinking about the night Alyssa passed away. Even though I was devastated by my own loss, I still remember watching as Melanie tried to stay professional throughout everything. She held me that night, whispering assurances in my ear that it was for the best that Alyssa wasn’t in pain anymore. I know she didn’t do that for everyone, but I also know she’s too caring to not let every loss affect her.

“Thank you for being there,” I say, my voice rough with emotion. “As hard as it was, I’m glad it was you.” God, that sounds pathetic. “I mean, I’m grateful that it was you because no one else would have cared so much about taking care of Jacob and me. You didn’t have to do that.”

Melanie slides around so she sitting behind me, her chest pressed to my back. As she wraps her legs around my waist, she starts gently kissing along my spine. “I’m glad too,” she admits quietly. “I hate that you had to live through that and I’ll admit I wanted to quit so many times, but I couldn’t. I knew you and Jacob needed me there just as much as she did.”

I lean my head back, turning to her for a kiss. It’s a slightly awkward position, but I need to feel her lips against mine. Even if she won’t tell me how she feels about me, every touch gives me reassurance to tide me over. “I love you, Mel.”

As we eat, Melanie and I take turns sharing favorite memories from our weekend trips to the lake. I watch her face light up as she talks about canoeing for hours, trying to find hidden alcoves in the bluffs along the banks and make a mental note to plan a full weekend for us to come up here before summer is finished. I admit to her that I’ve often thought about the nights we spent around the campfire, watching the flames fade to embers before curling up against
one another in our small tent. When I remind her about the plans we once had to learn to rock climb so we could tackle some of the more challenging areas of the park, she becomes giddy, asking if we can still do that. Immediately, I tell her I will call the local indoor climbing facility so we don’t waste any time, but my excitement is quickly replaced by reluctance. More than anything, I want to make her happy, but the fact is I now have to worry about making the best decisions for Jacob. I can’t blindly follow her adventurous whims anymore, knowing that I have a son who relies on me at home.

After we’re finished eating and the conversation begins to fade, I reach my
hand out to her, pulling her off the flat rock. Hand-in-hand, we walk down the trail in silence. Now that I’ve started asking her the questions I avoided for so long, there’s one more I need to get out of my system. It’s the question that has plagued me since November.

“Why did you take the assignment?” I ask, turning my head away from her momentarily, second-guessing my decision. I just told her today was about us, not Alyssa, and yet here I am, bringing it up again. “I mean, you said you thought about trying to get out of it and you wanted to quit more than once, so why didn’t you?”

Melanie leans into me and I slide my arm around her waist. When she doesn’t answer immediately, I don’t press the issue. Just like so many other topics, there will be time later if not now. She stops abruptly, causing me to stumble on a rock in the path. I look over at her and can see her thinking about her answer. “I’ve asked myself that question probably a hundred times. The thing is, I have no clue.” We keep walking and I wait to see if she’s going to say anything else.

“I
told myself it’s because I was that dedicated to my job and my patients, but I don’t think that’s why. I wanted to throw up when I saw the last name and address. I knew there was no way it was a coincidence that the patient’s last name was Ross and it was your address. I spent hours trying to come up with an easy way out of it.” She looks away from me, seeming almost ashamed at her admission. “Every time I started walking to my supervisor’s office to tell him I couldn’t do it, I lost my nerve before getting to his door. I didn’t want him thinking I was unable to separate my personal issues from my job and I couldn’t think of a valid reason other than you for why I couldn’t help Alyssa.”