Fragments of your Soul (The Mirror Worlds Book 1) (49 page)

“This stone is not of importance to me,” she said contemptuously and dropped the splinter to the ground.

It remained lying in the wet sand and Arvid stared at it. She could feel its  grip releasing her mind. Suddenly she felt the burning pain of the cold on her skin and the wet underwear that stuck to her body. Her legs were trembling, and dizziness overcame her. Suddenly Arvid felt a stranger in her own body—no, it went even deeper than that. For a moment it seemed as if she had become a stranger to her own soul, as if she were a different person.

Hel quickly grabbed her by the arm and helped her to sit down. “You’ve done well,” she said with a smile.

When they shortly afterwards arrived at Hel’s house, Arvid was a little better. Hel brought a box of thick wood, and quickly and under extreme concentration, Arvid put the shard inside, without getting overwhelmed by its influence.

Naal was silent the whole time and lay down to sleep shortly after they had eaten. Arvid, on the other hand, couldn’t find rest, even though it was in the middle of the night. She sat down on the bench right by the window and looked outside, although there was not much to see in the dark. She could see the trace of the red star lamps that lit the path leading up. Maybe it was exactly this simple picture that calmed her so. While she had held the soul shard in her hand, she had caught a glimpse of something that had blurred, almost destroyed, the border of the rules of her world.

Eventually, Hel sat down beside her. She looked incredibly tired.

“Don’t you want to go to sleep?” said Arvid.

“Not yet,” Hel said. “I wanted to answer your question… and talk about my father.”

“What question?”

“You wanted to know why you can’t see my soul.”

“Right,” Arvid said with an embarrassed smile. “I hope that wasn‘t too rude…”

“It wasn’t,” Hel said. “It’s because I possess the gift to absorb the properties of any soul. It is as if it becomes my own. Like this I can exactly recognize its nature and composition.”

“I… don’t know if I understand this,” confessed Arvid.

Hel smiled. “That doesn’t matter. You only have to understand that I am able to recognize a soul clearly, even if it is not bound to a body. That’s why I’m down here at the river.”

“Not bound to a body?” Arvid asked blankly. “Do you mean… the souls of the dead?”

“For example.”

“And what does this have to do with the river?”

“It’s not just a river,” said Hel. “It’s the Black Waters. Deep within them runs the soul stream. I observe it at all times.”

“The soul stream,” Arvid murmured thoughtfully. She had heard of it, but had that not just been a fairy tale? “I thought that was just some story.”

“No,” Hel said, “but many don’t believe it exists, because hardly anyone has ever seen it. It is omnipresent. It flows deep inside the earth, everywhere, but this is the only known location where it becomes visible—at least for those who have the gift to recognize souls.”

“So soul gems are actually crystallized souls?”

“No. But… there is something of a soul that remains in this world when it passes. These residues are what make a soul gem what it is.”

Arvid nodded thoughtfully, then she let her eyes wander outside the window again. The staircase in the rock face was so infinitely high. How many possibly knew that soul gems originated in a place like this?

“Well, Arvid,” Hel said after a long pause, “what happened between you and my father?”

“What… exactly do you mean?” On the one hand Arvid had so many questions she wanted to ask Hel; on the other hand it made her uncomfortable to talk to her about Loke, especially about what had happened last. After all, he was Hel’s father.

“He was here a few days ago,” Hel said. “He asked me for an absurd number of different soul gems and… well, it could only mean that he was extremely upset.”

“Why?”

“Has he ever told you how my mother died?”

“No,” Arvid said, then she swallowed. “Just… his brother… Helblindi said that Loke was responsible for her death.” She insecurely looked up to Hel. “Is that true?”

“He didn’t kill her, if that’s what you mean,” Hel said. “How could he? He and she were connected with a band of life.”

Arvid hesitated. She had never really thought about that. Now that Hel mentioned it, she suddenly felt very foolish.

“She took her own life,” Hel said, “but this certainly had to do with Loke. It was a political connection. My mother had accepted that, but… when she realized who and what Loke was, she became very unhappy. She couldn’t stand him. Hatred began to grow in her. She hated what Loke was, and he made her life a living hell by tormenting her in every possible way.”

Arvid felt a queasy feeling spreading in her when she heard that. She knew how Loke could be. How would he treat someone whom he despised, but with whom he was forced to live together?

“It must… have been bad,” she said softly.

“I think that both contributed, that the situation finally got out of control,” Hel said. “My mother hated my father deeply. The idea that there was no way for her to escape this connection must have worn her out. She wanted to destroy him; all her thinking circled around this one thing. She knew that when she died, the band of life would also kill Loke. This thought was the last bit of happiness left in her.”

“But the band didn’t kill him,” said Arvid. “After all, Loke is still alive.”

Hel nodded. “I’m sure he told you that living runes don’t hold forever on the body of a shapeshifter.”

“Yes. Your mother didn’t know that?”

“I admit I don’t know if she knew,” Hel said, “but when she killed herself, the band was not completely faded yet. She took a poison, then she sent for Loke, who had to watch as she slowly died. He knew that the band of life would do something to him, but it was uncertain what. My mother killed herself to at least see her husband suffer in this very last hour.”

“How horrible,” whispered Arvid.

“He who sows suffering will reap sorrow,” Hel said. “My father has sown endless fields of it.” She rose and slowly walked over to the table, where the box with the shard was still standing.

“This is what he lost on that day,” she said. “At least what remains of it.” She reached out with her hand, but paused before her fingers touched the wood of the box.

Arvid frowned. “A soul gem?”

“Back then it was no gem yet,” said Hel. She turned to Arvid, looking at her seriously. “When my mother died, the band of life shattered Loke’s soul, but only one of the fragments was lost. After all these years this shard is all that still remains of it.”

“But… that’s…” Arvid broke off and rose also. “This is a soul gem that formed from… a part of Loke’s soul?” she asked in disbelief. The thought was outrageous.

“A very small part,” Hel said. “I’m telling you this because… every time my father is feeling bad, he blames it on the imbalance the loss of this fragment caused. He often carries a collection of tiny soul gems… broken gems. He tries to compensate for this imbalance, but probably he’ll never quite succeed.”

“But with this shard it might be possible,” Arvid said excitedly.

“I’m afraid not. What he has lost is lost forever. This splinter only contains a meager residue… Nevertheless, it is the best alternative there is.”

“At least that.”

“I’m also glad that we were able to retrieve the shard,” Hel said, but without actually looking glad. In a strange way all her emotions only seemed to be superficial and fleeting. She went to one of the chairs and sat down. “But you still haven’t answered my question. What happened between you and my father?” She looked at Arvid from her empty, expressionless eyes, but Arvid hesitated. Then finally she grabbed the chair next to her and sat down also.

“It’s… complicated,” she said haltingly. “Your father, he… well, he hurt me a lot. He’s done that… many times before, but… this time it was really bad. It was… it was…” She broke off, thinking, then shrugged helplessly.

“Did he make you angry?” said Hel, as Arvid didn’t continue.

“I wish so much that he would have,” Arvid said with a sad smile. “I can handle that just fine, you know? But… No, he… said something to me that hit my most sensitive spot. At first I was just shocked, sad, desperate… but then… Loke suddenly tried to comfort me. At least… I think that’s what he tried. And then it occurred to me that Loke had known full well that I would be shocked about what he said. He had done it on purpose… and… deliberately, just to comfort me shortly afterwards and somehow try to make up for it again. It was so contradictory and absurd. I felt… like a worthless toy that was being pushed around helplessly.”

Hel nodded thoughtfully. “And you told him that?”

“Yes,” Arvid said quietly. “That… and that I will have nothing more to do with him or anything about his life.”

“And you were serious?”

“Yes, I was,” Arvid said, looking down at her hands. “To him I’m… vulnerable and completely defenseless. The pain was just too much.”

“You do love him.”

Arvid hesitated, then nodded. “For so long… For months I’ve been clinging to the hope that he would return my feelings, but… whenever he is nice to me, gets closer to me, then… then it turns out that it’s just a game or an experiment.” She sighed deeply. “Our marriage only made it worse. Right from the first minute my head told me that Loke only made me his wife to protect me and thus his plan. But my heart hoped on. I was ready to accept all his faults, if only I knew that… I meant something to him. But then a week ago… it was just too much. Why should I continue hoping, when he’s just playing with me and obviously takes pleasure in hurting me?”

For a while Hel silently looked at Arvid, then she rested her chin in her hands and absentmindedly turned her gaze toward the large window. She seemed neither offended nor disappointed, but it was hard to tell what was going on inside Hel.

“I can’t excuse my father’s behavior,” she said, “and I understand your thoughts. You’re right… He likes to play games, with everything and everyone. He enjoys observing pain, confusion and fear. These feelings exert an irresistible fascination on him. It’s in his nature, and often it’s difficult for him to control it.” She turned her head and looked directly at Arvid. “I don’t mean to justify my father’s behavior. I’m just telling you how it is.”

Arvid sighed. “I know that he’s not indifferent about me. That’s the only reason I came here. But I… I just… don’t understand him.”

For a while there was silence between them, then Hel said, “My father, Loke, he… he is clumsy when it comes to showing affection. He may have learned to be a father or a lover, but not a husband. Many have desired him, but never out of love. In all the years of his life he was only ready to allow tender feelings a single time, and that was a very long time ago.”

“Sigvin,” murmured Arvid. Suddenly she remembered what Nod had told her back then. Sigvin… the only being Loke ever had felt this kind of affection for, who, however, had not wanted him.

Hel nodded. “Hardly anyone knows the true background of this story. The story, which is written down in a few books, is nothing more than a fairytale.”

“Do you know the real story?”

“Only roughly,” Hel said. “But what I know is that Sigvin was no woman but a man. His name was not even Sigvin, though I never found out his real name. The woman Sigvin is a figment that helped Loke to work through this painful experience. Well, maybe more to suppress it… Sigvin is the embodiment of his most heartfelt desire. A being that loves him the way he is, unconditionally, with all his faults and flaws, despite the darkness in his soul. Loke would have liked this man to be all this is for him, but… His affection made him very vulnerable to him.”

“And he was hurt,” Arvid said softly.

“Yes,” said Hel, “so badly that my father was not ready to allow loving feelings since then, out of fear of being hurt again. For a being like him, with all his power, it must have been a severe shock to see that on an emotional level he could be just as weak and vulnerable as all the small, insignificant people whose weakness he despised so much.”

Hel gently took Arvid’s hand. At first Arvid winced at the cold touch, but then she let it happen.

“I believe you can be Sigvin,” Hel said. “In all the years I was not sure if there would ever be a being who could truly love my father, not just a body, not just a god, but what he really is, deep inside. I can’t see into your heart, Arvid, but I watched you at your wedding. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you kissed him, the way you were holding his hand… Everything you did was full of love.”

“I love him with all my heart,” Arvid said. “I want to be with him. But… I’m scared.”

“I think my father is scared too,” Hel said and gently let go of Arvid’s hand again. “That’s why he keeps hurting you and pushing you away. His affection gives you power over him, and it terrifies him, more than you possibly can imagine. He will never forget what Sigvin has done to him.”

“He doesn’t trust me,” realized Arvid. “He thinks I will hurt and leave him, too.”

“You have already done that.”

Arvid knew that Hel was right. Suddenly there was a dull ache in her heart. They had both hurt each other, out of the same fear. The realization hurt. Why didn’t she have the courage to show him her affection? Why had she not told him how she felt and that she wanted to stay with him forever?

“Do you think… he will forgive me?” Arvid finally whispered. The thought that it all might be too late now was horrible.

“I don’t know,” confessed Hel, “but I hope so.”

Arvid nodded silently, then she rose from her chair and slowly walked across the room to the window. She missed Loke so much it hurt. She wanted nothing more than to return to Sölunnir and see him there. But maybe he was not there. Maybe her words had hurt him so much that he would stay away forever.

“There’s something else I want to tell you,” Hel said.

Arvid turned slowly to face her.

“Your soul,” Hel said, “is no longer alone.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” said Arvid, puzzled.

“When you see Loke, then tell him that I told you that.”

When Arvid was awakened the next morning, it seemed to her as if she had only just dozed off. She wanted to turn on the spot, but Naal tartly told her that she couldn’t be considerate of her exaggerated sleep requirements. They ate in silence and then got ready for their journey back to Sölunnir. Arvid’s feelings were mixed. On one side she could hardly wait to see Loke, on the other side there was the uncertainty whether Byleist had found him, and the fear of facing him again after the past few days.

When they were finally ready to leave, Hel took her aside again. “I’ve been thinking,” she said. “There’s one more thing I would like to tell you, that might help you on your way…”

“I’d be very grateful,” Arvid said.

“You know… All I wish for my father is to find a little happiness. But I also want to keep you from more bitter disappointments.”

“I’m afraid I won’t be spared that.”

“No, certainly not. Being with him will always mean pain also. Never doubt that you are important to him though, even when it might not feel this way, and his actions are determined by chaos. He may have power and know many things, but… when it comes to love, he is lost. It is you who has to take him by the hand. He has learned to be a father for me. He will also learn to be a husband.”

“Thank you, Hel,” Arvid said. “Your encouragement means a lot to me.” She held out her hand to the giantess. “I would like to hug you goodbye, but I’m afraid I’m too small.”