Friends Like Us (41 page)

‘If you change your mind…'

‘I won't,' she said. ‘It's time to go. Sorry Liam.'

He looked at her, thinking, doing his usual plotting and planning. ‘Listen,' he said, ‘my pal Peter Carberry is looking for freelancers at the
Times
. I'll give him your number. Keep the wolf from your door.'

‘That'd be great. Thanks Liam.'

‘They might be right up your street. They don't do “craic” over there.'

‘Suits me, so.'

‘What are you going to do… now you're free-range?'

‘I don't know exactly. Sort some stuff out. Sort me out. Begin a novel… Perhaps. Perhaps not. Have some F-U-N-N.'

‘You take care of yourself, okay. And join us for Christmas drinks on the 19
^th
. Fallons. Promise?'

‘I'll be there. Promise.' She wasn't sure she would.

‘I never did give you one of my bollockings, did I?'

‘No… I thought I'd get out before you did. They were legendary.'

‘You know, Mel? The place will be a lot quieter without you… and not as much fun.'

‘Now there's an irony.'

Melissa could still hear Liam laughing as she said goodbye.

As she walked out, Lulu was hovering and wearing a dress so tight and short that only the very young or the very optimistic could wear it. She had boots that reached to mid-thigh leaving a gap of flesh.

‘Going somewhere nice?'

‘Business meeting,' coughed Lulu. ‘With Liam, I mean Mr Connolly.'

‘Right…' said Melissa, the penny dropping. ‘Well, I'll see you Lulu around. I'm moving on.'

‘Really?'

‘Yeah. Good luck with everything. You're a good writer, keep on doing it.'

Lulu blushed. ‘Thanks Melissa. From you that means the world.'

Melissa held out her arms and hugged her. ‘I expect to see you win some awards. Or the Pulitzer Prize one day.' She winked at her as she walked away.

I hope she likes Bananarama, thought Melissa. Hope her eighties music is up to scratch. Somehow she doubted it was. She walked straight into Jimbo who was carrying a packet of Hula Hoops.

‘How's it going?' he said. ‘Haven't seen ye for a while?' He was looking at her, curiously, he knew something was going on. That's the problem with journalists, thought Melissa, they always wanted to know what was going on.

‘Jimbo,' she said. ‘I'm leaving.'

He said nothing, just looked at her. ‘As in fecking off?' he said after a moment.

‘Yes, for good. I've just told Liam.'

‘And what did he say? Did he bollock you? Is that why you're off?'

‘No, it's just that there's no place for me here anymore. I don't fit in.'

‘That's a bit drastic,' he said. ‘Why didn't you just bollock him instead?'

‘Because I want a change. I want to move on with my life. I don't know what's out there for me, but there's got to be something.'

‘Aye,' he said, after a moment. ‘There will be. Smart girl like you. You'll be fine.'

She smiled at him. ‘Let's stay in touch, all right?'

‘You do that, give me a call.'

‘And you can fill me in on the romance between Lulu and Liam.'

‘Never!' He whistled.

Melissa shook her head. ‘And you call yourself a bloodhound.'

‘I'll never understand women,' he said. ‘That eejit. And I was hoping to make my Hula Hoop mobile. I thought I'd give you the first bite.'

‘Well, sorry Jimbo. You'll have to try it yourself.'

‘Right.' He looked disappointed.

‘It's just that my life needs a reboot,' she tried to explain. ‘A change, a challenge, an adventure. You know?'

‘Aye,' he said, nodding. ‘We all need that from time to time. Good luck with it. I'll see ye around.'

‘See you Jimbo.'

She wondered if they were going to hug but they didn't. They stood there for a moment and then Jimbo turned away and walked down the corridor.

Just as he was about to disappear, he turned around. ‘You're the only person I have ever been able to stand,' he said. ‘In an office situation.'

Melissa almost fainted at the compliment. ‘I'll miss you too,' she called, but he didn't turn around again.

She raced down the steps, all the way to the ground floor, this time thinking of her mother, Mary, and wondered what their future held. They had Frankie now… and, she supposed, Caleb and Cara. In fact, Frankie had called her and just she and Melissa were going to meet up, once Christmas was out of the way, and spend some time together at Frankie's house and she'd meet Caleb and Cara then.

But there was Cormac, of course.

She had discovered life without Cormac was a soul-withering and spirit-depleting situation but she had no choice except to get on with it and strike out anew.

She should have felt terrified but there was something that kept her walking out of the door of the building. No, it definitely wasn't fear that was fuelling her, it was something else, a sense of her own power, a sense that she could control her own destiny. That she didn't need to be scared of anything ever again. She was sure she was doing the right thing. I am never going back, from now on, she thought, from now on I only go forwards.

She began scrolling through her phone. When she had found Cormac's number, she pressed Delete Contact on her phone. That's it, Cormac gone, job gone. She was going to start again.

Eilis was waiting for the delivery of a new sofa. She had gone to Ikea and had chosen the softest, squishiest and most comfortable sofa in the shop. She had practised the various positions she might be in: the full recline when watching TV, the cross-legged perch when eating tea and toast and, of course, the relaxed, casual normal sitting-on-a-sofa pose. It had passed all the tests with flying colours. She had just waved off the Rob's old one which she was giving away to a good home. An architect couple turned up to collect it, delighted with their new sofa.

Eilis had even bought some cushions for it, adding to the one Steph had bought her. And a rug. Immediately the house seemed more like somewhere she felt she belonged.

A knock on the door. She wondered who it was. The architect couple returning the sofa saying that they had changed their minds and it was way too uncomfortable.

Standing there, with a full hipster beard, was Rob. ‘Hi,' he said. Eilis gaped at him in shock.

Eilis mouthed an inaudible response and looked at him with wide eyes. It was like seeing a ghost. She had heard nothing from him in months.

‘Where have you been?' she managed.

‘Staying with friends.' He looked awkward.

‘But…'

‘Eilis?'

She looked at him.

‘Eilis, I'm here to say sorry.'

‘Okay… so you've said it. I've heard you. And that's all grand.' She went to close the door but he pushed it open.

‘Eilis… look, I'm so, so sorry. But I had no choice.'

‘No choice? It seems very clear that you
chose
to leave.'

‘Can I come in? Please? I want to explain.'

She stood back and let him pass. She'd begun the process of moving on but she did deserve an explanation, she figured. She was still curious what happened. Rob walked into the kitchen, looking around at his old house, taking in the changes.

‘It's nice to be back.'

She glared at him. He wasn't coming back, if that's what he thought. She had just begun thinking that she was moving on, making the place her own. ‘What do you want Rob?'

He looked at her, sadly. ‘Listen… I… it's just… I don't know how to explain this, any of it.'

‘Just try,' she said. ‘If you want to tell me.'

He cleared his throat. ‘Eilis, you have always been my best friend, since we met, it was great. I love you, I loved our life together but…'

‘But what? You met someone else, someone more attractive than me? Someone better?'

‘Kind of.'

She didn't expect him to say that, so for a moment she felt winded. She turned slowly to look at him. And there was Rob, totally disarmed, so unlike the smooth, in-control Rob she knew. For a moment, she saw the young boy from Ennis she had met more than two decades ago. He was still there, he'd never gone away… he'd just been hidden.

Eilis broke the silence: ‘So, who is she?'

‘He.'

‘He?'

‘Yes, he.' Rob looked at her, imploring her to understand.

She looked confused. ‘He?' she said again.

‘He.' He coughed, trying to clear his throat. ‘I'm gay. Always have been. Just hoped I wasn't. And then I met you and, at first, for ages, I thought I was straight and I was just so relieved. But I hadn't stopped being gay because I met you. I was. I am. And I can't deny it any longer. It's been killing me.'

‘You're gay?' she said, trying to take it in. ‘As in gay?'

He nodded. ‘I thought I could just pretend I wasn't, that sex wasn't important. I thought I could ignore it and everything would be okay. But I couldn't.' He stopped. ‘May I have a drink of water, please?'

She reached for a glass. This was something she hadn't even considered for a moment. She realized she had been stupid to have missed all the signs. Of course! But why hadn't he told her, it could have saved years of her life. She turned on the tap and handed the glass over

‘Thank you.' He drank it down. ‘About four years ago, I actually realized I couldn't live like this. I wanted to be seen, to be real. I wanted the world to know who I was. I wanted to be visible, not hiding away. It's the most basic of feelings. I want the world to know who I truly am. But the thought of hurting you, of… coming out, of being me, was horrifying.' He stopped. ‘But I knew I had to do it. I just didn't make a very good job of it.'

‘No, you didn't. It was quite brutal.'

‘I'm sorry,' he said. ‘I thought I was going to either crack up.' He stopped unable to speak anymore.

‘So…' Eilis prompted.

‘So, I began going online… to different sites and talking to people. Men.' He sipped his tea. ‘Men like me. Men in marriages, men in denial, unhappy, lonely men, like me.'

‘So, you decided to do all of this without breathing a single word to the woman with whom you shared your life and home. Why didn't you tell me twenty-one years ago? My whole life! My whole adult life has been dominated by this relationship, which I now discover was entirely a lie. Your selfishness, your need for secrecy has meant that I've wasted two whole decades!'

‘I am so sorry. I really am.'

‘Jesus Christ, Rob! How could you?'

‘I'm sorry.' He looked down.

‘So, where've you been staying?' She spoke more gently now, as she realized how sad he was. It wasn't easy, obviously, to admit his true self.

‘With Michael.'

‘Is he gay too?' she said softly.

Rob nodded.

‘Right,' she said. ‘Are you two… you know? Are you together?'

He nodded again. Eilis wondered about protocol in situations like this, should she throw something? One of his silly angular mugs, perhaps. Or boil the remote-controlled kettle dry?

‘So why are you here now?'

‘To collect my things… and to explain to you.'

‘In that order?'

‘No. Not, in that order. Please Eilis, come on…'

‘Why should I?'

‘Because… because I am sorry. I made a mistake.'

He was right, it had been a mistake, their whole life together had been fake and unreal. Theirs hadn't been a relationship, it was barely companionship. She liked him and he liked her but not enough, never enough, to blend their lives, to marry, to have a child, all of those things she had never allowed herself to dream of but she had wanted. And now it was probably too late for her.

‘A child would have been nice,' she said looking out of the window... She felt as though her heart was being constricted, squeezed into a tiny ball. It was a physical pain.

‘It's not too late.'

‘Easy for you to say, Rob,' she said, feeling her voice break. ‘Off for your new life. It's so easy. You change your mind. I've decided I'm gay, sorry everyone!' He voice was rising to a pitch now. ‘But you don't have a biological bloody clock, do you. Convenient that! I do though. I'm nearly thirty-nine, Rob. I have given up so much for you – so fucking much.' She looked at him meaningfully and he looked down at his lap. ‘And this! This is how you repay me.'

And breathe. She calmed herself. If only she had paid more attention at the yoga class she took years ago, she might have been able to do alternate nostril breathing or whatever it was, and not lost her equilibrium in the first place.

But she suddenly realized she felt relieved. All the uncertainty was over. She didn't have to think about Rob ever again, if she didn't want to. She always knew, deep down, that they weren't right for each other. Now, she could move forward. The photo of her mother was on the windowsill. She wondered what she would make of it or what she would say. Brigid was a woman who always gave people the benefit of the doubt, who was forgiving and loving. Brigid would have seen the good in Rob, she thought. It must have been so difficult for him to keep the pretence going all these years. But he'd done it now, better later than never.

‘Sorry,' he said again and this time she shrugged. What was done was done.

‘I forgive you,' she said.

‘What?'

‘I forgive you.' She felt free. It was a wonderful feeling, not scary at all. ‘You are an eejit, though. You might have saved me years of trouble had you bothered to come out before.'

‘Tell me about it.' He placed his hand over hers and squeezed it.

‘I'm seeing someone too.'