Frolic of His Own (43 page)

—Keep his, my God have you seen the bills they where is it, that blue folder Oscar where is it. Keep his costs down, they've charged him for everything here but paperclips. Long distance calls, telecopier, deposition transcripts, photocopying thirty cents a page? They must have done the whole Britannica, car rentals, travel that's our friend Mister Basie off to California, Mister Basie buying drinks for the house at the Beverly Wilshire they all could have flown to the moon, you call this giving him a break?

—I said on the rates Christina, those are costs, I said the hourly rates.

—Mister Basie sitting here with his clock running showing me pictures of the hairy Ainu?

—Not exactly what I, what I'm talking about rates Christina, we'd price somebody at Mudpye's level out at one eighty six an hour, Basie's probably priced around a hundred, maybe less, two or three hours of conferences for his client to explain the situation, a couple of hours of reading whatever's relevant and a couple more preliminary legal research, another conference you're up to a thousand before he's even taken the case, then he drafts the Complaint. Twenty hours research, four hours to write it and we're up to thirty five hundred and you've barely started. Kiester's brief comes in filing for dismissal and the heavy research time comes in, maybe forty more hours preparing Oscar's cross motion for summary judgment. Depositions, discovery documents if Kiester handed them all over, if he didn't more conferences, more briefs, deposing your witnesses probably count on at least ten hours of preparation for every hour of actual deposition time and an important deponent like Kiester himself figure his deposition lasts ten hours so there's a hundred and ten billable hours right there and you're still pretty early into the pretrial stage when things begin to get really expensive . . .

—Harry?

—Trial strategy and preparing your witnesses, the whole . . .

—Why in the name of God are you telling us all this.

—Just trying to explain how these things can mount up, even a fairly simple case like this one you take the case I'm on multiply every figure by a hundred, a thousand, I told you it would run into money didn't I? right at the start? If he'd won . . .

—He lost! He didn't win Harry he lost! my God how many times do we have to . . .

—Win or lose Christina, I told you at the start you begin running up bills the minute you . . .

—You don't think he's going to pay them do you?

—What?

—I said, by any remote stretch of the imagination you can't think that Oscar or anyone in his right mind would even faintly consider paying these idiotic bills for one instant, can you?

—Just telling you they put in a lot of time and work on the case Christina, take a look back there at Oscar's deposition I think Basie did a pretty damn good job for the . . .

—For a fraud, so the State can put him away for a year, what about your friend Sam. How long can they put him away for, he knew about it before the decision didn't he? You knew didn't you? didn't you call him?

—Look I've been out of town, it still might have been just a rumour and I've been so damn busy with the . . .

—Is that what you're worried about Harry? what the State can do to you? You sent Oscar to Lepidus, Shea and the whole . . .

—No wait Christina, look. The State's got nothing to do with it, no law that we have a duty to look into the credentials of lawyers we make referrals to. The whole thing's a self regulating profession, deal with things like that under the ABA's Code of Professional Responsibility doesn't mean a client has a cause of action against a lawyer who's violated the Code just because he loses a . . .

—The Code! My God you sound like a, a self regulating profession! Your friend Sam got us into this mess didn't he? Is anybody going to regulate your friend Sam or do we just put it down over here Lily, do try not to spill it.

—Do you want the . . .

—Just put it down!

—Have to research that Oscar, end up putting you to a lot of trouble entering a claim citing the elements of damages you've incurred here needed to make you whole, as they . . .

—To make him what?

—Legal phrase Christina, just means what it says, to make him whole, restore someone who can prove he's suffered damages to his . . .

—Well look at him, he's sitting right here in a thousand pieces if you want proof of damages to make himself whole, he can't get a new trial he can't find anyone else around to sue so he's suing himself is that what you mean?

—Of course it's not. Whole heart of the Fifth Amendment, you can't be made to testify against yourself, you've got a new law firm on that haven't you Oscar? Isn't that what they've told you?

—Well he, there's a letter here from him somewhere, from Mister Mohlenhoff, he thinks maybe they could get around that by granting one of us immunity to testify against the other one under threat of perjury or contempt he's looking into it. They want a five hundred dollar retainer to look into it.

—Most ridiculous thing I ever, don't send them a nickel, these the ones you got off a matchbook cover?

—Which one of him are you talking to Harry, the one who got Mister Mohlenhoff off a matchcover or the one Lily found for him who wants Oscar to pay him for suing himself in the first place.

—I didn't know what he'd, I know it was my fault Mrs Lutz but I just thought he was this lawyer that would help Oscar out now he's doing the same thing to Daddy, he took this money from Daddy where Daddy gave my brother Bobbie all this money to buy this Porsche that Reverend Bobby Joe calls the death instrument so now Daddy's in trouble where they want to sue him for something they call I forgot what they call it but, but maybe I better go Mrs Lutz I didn't mean to start . . .

—Probably a suit for what they call negative entrustment Lily, like handing a shotgun to somebody who isn't resp . . .

—Harry leave her alone, just sit down and be quiet Lily, and bring in some sugar will you? Didn't you get a cup for yourself? Five hundred for Mister Mohlenhoff off a matchcover or seventy five hundred for Lily's ambulance chaser my God Harry we're talking about thousands, these tens of thousands for your friend Sam who hands us a convicted felon and loses the case into the bargain?

—Just what I mean, you get a look at our billings to Kiester's people probably a hundred times what we saved Oscar with a small firm like Lepidus and . . .

—And who pays those, Oscar? because he sued them and lost?

—Well he, it's not a requirement in civil cases that the losing defend, the losing plaintiff I mean pays defendant's costs but I told you, I haven't seen the decision I told you, unless this judge holds him liable for reasonable attorney's fees but a judge like this one, no track record to go by you can't tell what the . . .

—You don't need that, Harry.

—What. Need what.

—Another drink. You don't need another drink. You haven't eaten a thing and those pills you're on to keep you from jumping out of your skin they told you not to drink didn't they?

—Just cuts down their effectiveness, one or two won't make any diff . . .

—Well you've had one or two, now will you sit down until we straighten this out? I don't care what this decision says about your thieving defendant's reasonable attorney's fees, you just said they were a hundred times what they ought to be didn't you? Oscar wouldn't even dream of paying them, I want to know who's going to pay Oscar. To make him whole.

—Well it won't, it's not that simple Christina, the . . .

—My God I know it's not that simple! Would we all be sitting here tearing our hair if it were? Your friend Sam got him into this mess, what are these elements of damages he's incurred you were talking about.

—Just the, just these elements things like fees, costs, the profits and accounting he went after originally but the, I think when I've had a chance to talk to Sam we can . . .

—Well pick up the phone. There's your chance right over there, call him up.

—Once we've read the decision Christina, no sense in . . .

—Well there's no sense in Oscar trying to do anything if he doesn't know what he can do is there?

—Well he'd just, he'd probably make either a tort or a contract claim,
file a notice pleading to put the defendant on notice of the claim against him but if he's going to plead fraud, it isn't that simple if he's going to plead fraud he's got to state every element of the common law tort of fraud, prove he was injured by intentional misrepresentation of a known fact, leave out one of the elements and his complaint's dismissed but if they can show it wasn't intentional, that nobody knew Basie was fraudulent he'd passed his bar exams hadn't he? showed them his certificate to practice?

—On Oscar yes, to practice on Oscar with Sam at the piano playing Nearer My God Harry either he knew or he didn't. If he knew, it was fraud wasn't it? and if he didn't know he should have.

—Well that would, you'd have to prove negligence. Take a hypothetical case, if the . . .

—I'm not taking a hypothetical case, we've got a real one wriggling around right here in our laps. Was it fraud or negligence.

—Well the, that would be for a jury, if the law allows claims of fraud and of negligence rising out of the same operative facts and it had to go to trial . . .

—That's what trials are for isn't it? My God Harry this is like pulling teeth! Either they injured him deliberately or they didn't. If they did he can charge them with fraud, if they didn't he can charge them with negligence is that what you're trying to say? or trying not to say? Either they're lying or they were plain careless and irresponsible, it's that simple, isn't it?

—Matter of fact it's, I'd have to research it but he might not be able to bring a malpractice claim till all his appeals were exhausted because up till then he hasn't suffered any injury.

—That's the most ridic, will somebody answer that?

—I will yes, Oscar told me hello? It's who? Oh . . . no. No, he's . . . No he went to California no he didn't leave a number.

—Who went to California.

—Nobody, that was just what Oscar told me to tell them.

—To tell who! Who was it, Lily.

—They said it was the South Georgia Pilot.

—There! You see Christina? as though they have the right to call whenever they, aren't there laws Harry? laws of privacy? The rights of, it's what Father used to say, the right to be let alone?

—A hundred years ago, that was a judge named Cooley coined the phrase opened up the whole can of worms, it came down from the invasion of property rights but in the courts these days if you're a public figure you haven't got any.

—Well I'm not. I'm not a public figure, I've done everything to avoid it, it says right there in the paper doesn't it? calls me a recluse?

—Call you Oswald too don't they? First Amendment freedom of the press to get things wrong Oscar, they . . .

—It's not just that it's the whole, when Father reads it he'll . . .

—He'll probably just chuckle like he did when that old woman with the withered hand? the one who frightened us on your mother's side, she asked him why on earth they'd named you Oscar? Nobody's family name she said, and he just chuckled and said well, we had to call him something, heat up some more water will you Lily? This tea's quite cold, of course it might come in handy for telling you apart if you insist on suing yourself Oscar but . . .

—I'm not suing myself Christina! And I'm, it's not funny, the whole thing, don't you think Father will read it? that his law clerk will show it to him? He already thinks I wrote that vulgar grotesque perversion he saw up there on the screen now when he reads this, if he had any doubts and he reads this where they say I wrote the original script for this spectacularly successful motion picture exploiting madness in the family did you see that? as an article of impeachment did you see that Harry? Impeachment! Just the word, a man who's lived and breathed the law for his whole, for almost a hundred years a century, a century!

—Look Oscar, one thing old Judge Crease is not, he's not stupid. Not thinskinned either. People paying press agents through the roof to get their names in the paper you sit here trying to protect your privacy the more vulnerable you become, call that the people's right to know. You think he doesn't see right through it? that they're just using you to get at him? Aiming for a seat on the appeals court and damn the people's right to know gets him the front page, you think he blames you for this rubbish about impeachment? How the hell do you think you sell papers, stir up a little controversy, create ill feeling wherever you can, bait the hook, stir the pot, stay away from them. Just stay away from them.

—No but listen Harry, just to set the record . . .

—Want to write them an indignant letter for calling you Oswald? They'll print letters from every Oswald in the country from Lee Harvey's widow on down a few libel suits thrown in, no malice intended? Whole damn thing's malice out there waiting for you. Stay away.

—No but listen! I, when they say I wrote the original script for this, this distorted travesty of a movie that bears no resemblance to what I really wrote to this blood and sex ninety million dollar spectacular they . . .

—Going to write them an indignant letter and tell them that?

—I have to! To set the record straight so that when Father sees it he'll see I had nothing to do with this warped twisted . . .

—Fine. And when Kiester's lawyers see it, when Mudpye reads it he'll mark it Exhibit A if you show up throwing away more money on an
appeal, see what I mean Oscar? Just digging up grounds for an appeal if there are any you're one step deeper in the whole . . .