From The Moment I Saw Him .... (20 page)

 He led me to the bedroom, and we joyfully rediscovered
each other in the most blissful of embraces.  It was not merely physical, there
was a spiritual dimension to our union, a sense of belonging and being at one
which I never had with anyone else, and afterwards, as we lay entwined in a
mazy contentment, I thought “Now I know what to do.”

Before we went to sleep that night, we had a long
talk about our future.  I knew now that it was Nick I wanted to be with.  He
needed me, we loved each other more than ever, and we agreed that once I had
extricated myself from my involvement with Ian, we would make a definite
commitment to one another.  I believed Nick when he confessed that for the
first time, he was ready to settle down with me, and I almost ached with
contemplating the bliss of it.

 But first, I was faced with the awful task of
telling Ian I was no longer able to marry him.  When I got to work on the
Monday morning, I sought out Robin and told him of my - our - decision.

“I can’t fight it any more.  I know it’s the right
thing to do,” I explained.  “But I’m frightened how Ian will react.”

“I can’t say I envy you, Eithne, although I‘m
pleased,” Robin said.  “I feel that you and Nick are much better suited than
you are with Ian.  When does Ian get back?  I assume you’ll wait until then,
not write him a Dear John letter?”

But Ian was not due to come home for several weeks,
and I felt I urgently needed to undeceive him before I could be fully happy
with Nick.  In the end, I rang him from the office two days later.

He sounded concerned when I finally got through to
him.

“Eithne?  It’s lovely to hear your voice, darling,
but is everything okay?” he queried.

“Well - no-one’s hurt or dead or anything.”

 I swallowed hard.  “Ian - I am terribly, terribly
sorry, but I have something to tell you which won’t wait until you get back.”

I could feel his surprise down the line.

“Are you pregnant?” he asked.

“No, nothing like that.  I’m afraid my old love Nick
has come back.  He’s been very ill, and I’ve realised that my future lies with
him and not with you.  I’m so very sorry.....”

My heart was in my mouth while I waited for his
reaction.

“What?  Don’t be so ridiculous, Eithne!  From all
you’ve told me, he’s a complete waste of space.  Are you seriously telling me
that you’d pass up everything I can offer for some scruffy, third rate
journalist with a track record of disappointing you?”

Put like that, it did sound incredible, but I knew I
was right.

“It’s hard to explain,” I faltered.  “I thought I loved
you enough, Ian, but when I saw Nick again, I realised that he still has my
heart.  He’s always had it.  I wish it wasn’t the case, but it is.  Surely you
don’t want a wife who can only give you second best?”

I could feel his hurt and amazement down the
telephone, and it made me quake with apprehension.  Finally, he snapped

“I’m not going to talk to you about it now, Eithne. 
You had better think hard about what you’re doing - I can’t believe you’re
giving in to such a terrible misjudgement.  You’ll regret this, believe me.”

He slammed the phone down, leaving me panicky and
upset.  I couldn’t see how this was going to resolve itself without further
horrible scenes, and it made me frightened.

”Well, what did you expect?” said Nick, when I told
him later.  “I must say, I object to the “scruffy third rate journalist” bit. 
Surely
The Telegraph
merits a higher ranking?”

   I couldn’t help smiling, and I thought that I had
never seen my vain and debonair Nick scruffy in all the time I had known him -
except for the time when he experimented with a moustache.

“Should I come with you when you finally have it out
with him?” Nick asked.

“God, no.  He’s much bigger and stronger than you,
Nick, he’d be like a terrier with a rat.”

“Thanks.” 

Nick looked miffed.  I gave him a quick hug.

“You’re still not properly over your pneumonia, and
Ian used to be a boxer at school,” I explained.

We were sitting on the balcony, enjoying the balmy
evening and the riverside view.  Nick lit a cigarette - to my sorrow, he had
defied the doctor’s orders and started to smoke again almost as soon as he left
the hospital.

“You know I shall have to look for another job,
don’t you?” I said.  “I don’t think there will be room for the two of us at the
agency once he gets back.”

“You don’t need to worry about money.  I’ve got
enough for both of us,” he replied.

It felt strange, but wonderful, to be living there
with him, the life I had always longed for.  His illness had sobered him, and
made him appreciate the ordinary things which make up a happy existence, and I
had no doubts about his commitment to me, or mine to him.  This time, I knew we
would be building a life together.

I was just getting ready to go for lunch with Mia on
Friday, to tell her what had occurred, when I heard raised voices, and Ian
loomed in the doorway of my office.  His usual elegance was marred by a bleary
look, and he needed a shave.

 He strode forward, and pulled me up by my arm.

“Let’s go to my room.  We need to talk.” 

His tone was grim, his face set.  Still gripping me
painfully, he propelled me down the corridor to his office, which had an air of
dusty disuse about it after his absence.

He slammed the door.

“Now, Eithne.  I’ve come back - at some
inconvenience - to talk sense into you.”

He pulled me roughly into his arms, and his mouth
clamped down on mine.  It felt awkward, scratchy and unloving.  I was reminded
of his violence after the Arethusa incident, and squirmed away.  He stepped
back, and hit me, hard, across the face.

I was too surprised to utter any protest.  Hand to
my smarting cheek, I collapsed on to one of the chairs by the table.

“How dare you treat me like this?  Just because some
boy you’ve always had a crush on crooks his little finger, you think you can
walk away and leave me to look a fool.  You’ll be the one to look foolish
before I’ve finished with you.” 

His face was grey with rage.

I couldn’t believe what was happening.  I was
prepared to accept blame and recriminations for having changed my mind, but I
was frightened by the violence in his face, and the memory of those warnings
about his ruthlessness came back vividly to me.

“Please, Ian, there’s no need for this.  Can’t we
sit down and talk about it calmly?” I faltered, still holding my face - it
hurt.  He glowered at me, and made no move to do as I asked.

“I want to know what happened,” he demanded.

I stammered out the tale of Nick’s illness, the
phone call from Rosine, the realisation that my feelings for Nick were
unchanged.

“I never meant for any of this to happen,” I
confessed miserably.  “But I’ve had to confront the truth - and that is I love Nick
more than I love you.  He needs me more than you do, Ian.  I’m so sorry that
things have turned out this way, but they just did.”

“And suppose we’d been married when he came back?”

This question had occurred to me as well.

“I - I would have stayed married, once I’d made the
commitment,” I said.  “But - I would still love him the most.  I can’t help it,
he’s in my blood somehow - it’s difficult to explain.”

He swore under his breath, and walked to the window,
looking out with furrowed brow on to the street below.  I felt the side of my
face with anxious fingers.  The whole of my jaw hurt after the force of the
blow.  I couldn’t think what to say to make the situation less fraught.

After a short pause, he turned to scowl at me again.

“I suppose you’re shacked up in your dreary little
East End bolthole,” he said sneeringly.  “You haven’t wasted much time.”

I was silent.  It was true, I had moved swiftly back
to my heart’s original anchorage, but what was the point of further shilly
shallying?

He moved back from the window, and sat on the edge
of the chair opposite me.

“I thought you loved me.  You said you would marry
me.  I’m not accustomed to being lied to and deceived.” 

“I didn’t intend to lie to you, or deceive you,
Ian.  It was sheer accident that Nick came back into my life.  But - you know
what?  I’m beginning to be very glad that he did, because I don’t much like the
person I’m seeing now.”

He sprang up, and for a moment, I thought he was
going to strike me again.  I shrank back in my chair with a whimper, and this
appeared to stop the upraised hand.

“Hit me all you want, Ian.” 

I sidled away from the chair, hoping I could circumvent
him and reach the door.  I was beginning to feel very frightened.  “Hitting me
isn’t going to get me to change my mind, even if it does make you feel better. 
It’s not a very manly thing to do, is it?”

     He stood there, panting.  I think he was beginning
to feel ashamed of his actions.

“Eithne.”  He spoke softly now.  “Please tell me you
forgive me, and this is all some nightmare.  Can’t you understand how upset I
am?  I know we can still be happy together....”

He stretched out his hand to me.

“I’m afraid I don’t believe that any more,” I said,
and ran for the door.

I saw Mia at the other end of the corridor, looking
for me, and I hared down the carpet towards her.  She looked at me in horror.

“Jesus Christ, Eithne, what happened to your face?”

I grabbed my jacket and bag.

“Quick, Mia, let’s get out of here.  Go by the side
stairs, don’t leave me alone, whatever you do...”

We turned and ran until we were out of the building
and in the dim safety of the wine bar.

I sank on to the banquette.  By now I was in a state
of shock.  Mia went to get a bottle of wine, and I swallowed most of my glass
at once.

“For God’s sake, Eithne, tell me what’s going on,”
she demanded.

Hesitantly, I ran through the complicated tale of my
change of heart.  She looked pleased when I told her about getting back with
Nick, she looked appalled when I described the scene I had just had with Ian.

“I always said he was a bastard,” she exclaimed. 
“I’m so pleased you’ve finished with him - can you imagine what he’d be like as
a husband?”

Now I had escaped, I felt like a deflated balloon,
and tears began to trickle down my cheeks.  My face was very sore where Ian had
hit me.  I could feel bruising coming out, and my legs would not stop
trembling.

“I can’t go back to the agency today, Mia.  I don’t
know if I ever can.”  I was really crying now.   “I know it’s all my fault, but
I couldn’t help it.”

Mia hugged me, and waited until I had regained some
semblance of self-control.  She said,

“Don’t even think of going back today.  When you
feel a bit better, I’ll go and find Robin and tell him what’s happened, and
then I’ll take you back to Wapping.  Do you know where Nick is at the moment?”

I shook my head.  The nature of his work meant that
I never quite knew what Nick was up to on a day to day basis, unless he was up
against a copy deadline and pounding at his typewriter at home.

“Never mind.  You’ll be quite safe here, have
another drink.”

“Don’t go just yet, Mia.”

We sat in tense silence for a while.  Although I was
horrified by Ian’s behaviour, I also felt very guilty for having been the agent
which had brought it about.  I remembered how sweet he had been the day he
persuaded me to go to Paris; it now seemed very wrong of me to have agreed to
marry him without being completely sure of my feelings.  How could I have made
such a mistake?  I was ashamed at having wrought this carnage around me.

I tried to explain some of this to Mia, but she
wasn’t having any of it.

“You thought it was the best thing at the time.  I disagreed,
but you’d based your decision on the facts as you saw them.  So you were wrong
- when Ian calms down, he’ll realise he’s had a lucky escape too.”

She put down her glass.  “Now I’m going to find
Robin.”

But when she came back, Robin was with her.  He
looked upset when he saw me.

“Fuck Ian.  Your poor face..... I’ve a good mind to
tell everyone what a brute he is.”

“Please, no, Robin,” I begged.  “I don’t want this
to go any further.  But I can’t bear the thought of seeing him again just yet. 
Would you mind if I take a few days off so the dust can settle?  I’m afraid I’m
going to have to leave after all, I can’t see it being feasible that we work in
the same place now.”

In fact, it was Robin who accompanied me back to
Wapping, and Nick was at home when we got there.  I left it to Robin to give
Nick an outline of what had happened, while I tried to soothe my sore cheek
with an ice pack.  I had a nasty suspicion that a tooth might be loose.

When I reappeared, Nick cradled me in his arms, and
gently kissed my wounded face.

“I suppose Eithne can’t sue him for assault?” he
demanded, his countenance very dark.

“No - I want to forget it ever happened,” I said. 
“Anyway, I feel guilty about it, it’s my fault he got into such a state.”

I had taken a strong dose of pain killers, and felt
better now they were beginning to work.

Robin stayed on for tea, and then drinks.  I was
pleased to see him getting on very well with Nick.  It looked like they might
be kindred spirits.  As evening approached, Robin telephoned his girlfriend,
and we all went out for a meal.  I put on half a tube of foundation to disguise
the trauma on my cheek, and the camaraderie of the evening went a long way to
restoring my sense of happiness.  As long as I had Nick, and good friends like Robin,
I could get through this difficult time.

My face slowly started to mend.  Luckily, there had
been no permanent damage done.  I took the following Monday off, but Robin rang
me on the Tuesday to say that Ian had decided to return to the States on a semi-permanent
basis - there was the possibility of a link with a West Coast agency also in
the pipeline - and so I was safe to return to work.  I think Ian was unwilling
to put up with the loss of face resulting from the end of our affair, and this
seemed the best way out.  If all the negotiations went well, he had the option
of staying in America for some considerable time, in the role of managing
director for the partner company.

When I returned, Rob Mackerras asked to see me.

“I can’t say I approve of your behaviour, Eithne,”
he said reprovingly.  “Ian and I go back a long way, and I think you’re mad to
turn him down in favour of your old flame.  But with Ian away now, we need some
continuity of people, especially on a newer account like John Warrender, so
it’s probably best if you stay on for the time being.  Just lay off the rest of
the staff, will you?”

I thought this was extremely unfair, but bit my
tongue.

“Please don’t be annoyed with me Rob, I’m so very
happy,” I said.

Of course, there still remained the task of
informing everyone else of my broken engagement and the return of Nick into my
life.

A perfect torrent of disapprobation fell upon my
head, from family, close friends, and colleagues, the whole of account
management and the secretaries at Mackerras Mackay.  Everyone thought I had
taken leave of my senses: my parents and Deidre were horrified by what I had
done.  The only exceptions were Robin and most of the creative staff.  They
said that I’d had a narrow escape.

I don’t know what Ian’s family thought.  They never
contacted me to express an opinion either way, but I suspect his mother was
delighted.

Nick wrote another article for
Sphere
, which
was published in one of its last editions, about our rapprochement and starting
a new life together in London.  It brought in another sackful of mail - I
couldn’t quite understand why people were so interested in our lives -
including some rather unkind comments about broken promises from a minority of
disgruntled readers, prophesying doom.

Nick and I didn’t care.  We retreated to our
riverside home, and were blissfully, blissfully happy.