From What I Remember (24 page)

Manuel pauses. I can see it’s still difficult for him to tell this story, even all these years later. He looks at Kylie to see if she’s okay. I’m not sure if she is or not.

“Everyone said it was a miracle that Javier survived. Like he was protected by God. But Javier was ruined by it. He felt like he killed his father and his brother. He felt responsible. And he felt guilty for surviving.”

Kylie looks stunned. Manuel puts an arm around her, and the two of them sit there silently. I don’t know what to do. Talk about a third wheel. I don’t want to make things worse, and I don’t know how to make them better, so I just keep quiet, watching and waiting for a sign from Kylie.

I can’t really imagine what she’s going through. I guess my dad’s cancer comes close, but that’s been a slow dissolve. This must feel more like being punched in the stomach. Maybe we shouldn’t have come.

“Is that when he moved away?” Kylie asks Manuel.

“Yeah. He just couldn’t take being surrounded by all the memories. He kept going over and over the accident, blaming himself. I don’t think he knew how to go on without his dad and his brother. He stopped playing soccer and worked as a bartender for a while in Rosarito. We kept in touch whenever he returned to Ensenada. Which became less and less often.

“Eventually, Javier started talking about going to America. He seemed better as he made his plans. He came to see me one night. His car was packed and he had made the decision. He was going to San Diego. After finding a job, he’d bring his mother. I promised to look after Lola while he was gone. In many ways, Lola had it worse than Javier. She lost her husband and her son. And now her only other son was moving to America. She just sat around the house knitting. I used to take her out to dinner once a week. That’s how I heard about you and your mother and your brother. Javier fell out of touch soon after that. He stopped returning my calls. I assumed that was something he had to do to shed his past. So I stayed away. But I never stopped thinking about him.”

Manuel stops talking and looks away for a moment. I think he’s worried that what he’s told Kylie will upset her even more. But Kylie is poised and calm.

“Thank you, Manuel. I appreciate hearing all of this,” she says. Someone would be picking me up off the floor right about now. But Kylie’s holding it together amazingly well. I’m officially impressed.

“This is a lot to take in, no?” Manuel asks Kylie.

“Yeah. But I’m so glad you told me. It helps to know. And it explains…a lot.”

“I’m sure your dad has his reasons,” Manuel says.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“You’re okay?” Manual asks.

“I am. In some strange way, it’s a relief to find this out. At least there’s an explanation for his behavior. It gives me hope for him. For us. To be honest, I’d kind of written him off.”

“Well, then, I’m glad I told you.”

“I think I’m going to take a walk, get some air. I’ll be back in, like, fifteen minutes,” Kylie says.

“Take as long as you need. We’ll be here,” Manuel promises. “We can talk more later, if you want.”

Kylie gets up. I follow her.

“You mind if I come with?” I ask.

“Nope.”

We head out into the bright sunshine.

“You want to talk?”

“Just…walk with me. You don’t have to pretend to care about my messed-up life,” Kylie says.

“I do care.”

I mean it, which is weird because I usually don’t care all that much. I like to keep my distance, keep it light. Too much baggage messes with my game. But Kylie’s story has drawn me in, or maybe it’s Kylie. I want to know about her family, about her.

Kylie heads up a hill, past a row of earth-toned bungalows. Everyone seems to be having a backyard party. We walk along in silence for a while. I’m trying to figure out what to say that won’t sound completely stupid and insincere. So I say nothing. Brilliant.

I’m pushing to keep up as Kylie goes faster and faster. And then, near the top, Kylie collapses onto the grass. She lies there, motionless. I lie down next to her, careful not to touch her or say anything moronic. I’m never usually this self-conscious, but Kylie has me tied in knots.

“I always thought it was Jake that made him shut down. And then, maybe his mother’s death,” Kylie says. “But now I get that it was so much more. I can’t believe I had to come all the way to Ensenada to learn about my dad. I mean, it would have been nice if he could have told me himself.”

“Yeah, my dad’s not much for sharing either.”

“People say you become your parents,” Kylie says. “But I don’t want that. I mean, I love my parents, but I don’t think they’re really happy. I don’t want to shut out the world like my dad.”

“I think it’s already too late for me,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I’m not exactly good at opening up to people. I’m a lot like my dad.”

“What are you talking about? I’m the one who’s always shutting people out. You’re amazing with people. You can talk to anyone.”

“Maybe, but it’s all kind of an act. I don’t like people knowing all my shit. Except Charlie. But that’s different; we’ve known each other since nursery school.”

“Well, you’re telling me your shit now.” Kylie looks at me directly.

She’s right. I am.

We both look away. It’s too intense. I stare up at the sky. It’s a perfect, cloudless blue. I take out my phone and snap a photo of it. Maybe I’ll use it as background for something.

“At least I don’t think he’s a complete dick anymore. I mean, he needs therapy, but I get where he’s coming from now. His drinking, how disconnected he always is. It makes sense. I don’t know why my mother or my grandmother never told me. Jesus. My family is so messed up.”

“Welcome to the club. I’ll have to teach you the secret handshake.”

Kylie smiles. She’s twirling a long curl around her finger. “No wonder I’m such a social retard.”

“You’re not a social retard.” I may have thought that yesterday but not today.

“Do you think, when we have kids, we’ll mess things up as bad as our parents?” “Dunno. Hopefully not.” We just lie here for a while, not saying anything. “Thanks for not…I don’t know, laughing at this whole thing,” Kylie says. “I don’t think it’s funny, and I’m guessing you don’t either.” Kylie sits up and looks down at me. She’s so raw, exposed, beautiful. “Max Langston,” she says as she continues to stare at me. I like the way she says my name. “Max Langston.” She says it again. And then she starts to laugh. “What?” “Out of all the people to find myself stuck with in Ensenada, learning about my dad’s secret past. Max Langston. I can’t believe it. I mean, it’s crazy, right? We don’t even know each other.”

“We know each other a lot better now.”

“That is indisputable, Max Langston.”

“C’mon, let’s go back down. Will should be here soon.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I jump up, grab Kylie by the hand, and pull her to her feet.

’m on the 5:25 bus to Buchwald and Center. I know I shouldn’t be. But once I had the idea, I couldn’t stop myself. I can meet Kylie at school and we’ll go home together.

I have two Luke Skywalkers, one Darth Bane, three Yodas, a Poggle the Lesser (which is very rare), and a Darth Vader with me. I forgot my Tavion Axmis. I will not forget Tavion Axmis next time. I should have brought four Luke Skywalkers, because I have lined them all up on the seat next to me and they look uneven. I move the Yodas to the front, but I don’t like it. I put one of the Luke Skywalkers in a fighting position.

“Excuse me.”

Someone is talking to me, but I’m not going to look up.

“Excuse me, may I sit here?”

I’m not looking up. Sometimes I like company, but not now.

“No,” I say. I’m not looking up. Are they gone?

I move one of my Yodas right next to Darth Vader. They are contiguous. I love that word.
Contiguous.
I think they’re gone.

We’re passing One America Plaza. The top of the building looks like a screwdriver. Every time I see it, I can’t believe how cool it is. I could stare at it all day. The tallest building in the world is Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It’s one hundred and sixty-three stories. Almost five times as high as One America Plaza. Burj Khalifa is also the tallest structure in the world. Which is different than a building. The KVLY-TV mast in Blanchard, North Dakota, is the second-tallest structure in the world, and the CN Tower in Toronto is the second-tallest freestanding structure.

I stare out the window and count buildings. I know Mom will be angry with me that I just walked out of the house, but I need to see Kylie. I’ve never done anything like this before. But Kylie’s never missed dinner without telling me. And Dad did everything wrong. He’ll probably be happy I’m gone.

The bus pulls up to Buchwald and Center. It’s 6:17. Exactly fifty-two minutes. Excellent time, especially in rush hour. But the buses have special lanes. I walk the seven blocks to Freiburg. I know exactly how to get there. Mom and I used to take Kylie to school all the time. I count the cracks on the sidewalk as I go. Twenty-five cracks every block. One hundred and seventy-five cracks by the time I get to the main stairs of Freiburg.

The school is so big and bright, it looks like a castle. I walk up the main staircase. There’s no one around. I try the door.

It’s locked. All the doors are locked, chained shut. I knock on them, hard. Maybe Kylie’s locked inside. Will she even hear me?

A man with a mop opens one of the doors.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m looking for my sister. Kylie Flores.”

“Everyone’s gone home. It’s the last day of school.”

“She’s probably in the library. She likes to read.”

“No one’s in the library. I just finished cleaning the place.”

“She said she was staying late at school, so she must still be inside. Can I come in and see?”

“I’m sorry. School rules. No one’s allowed inside. Hope you find your sister.” The man with the mop shuts the door.

I’m alone. I’m not sure what to do or where to go.