From Where I Watch You (9 page)

“Yeah.”

Justine nods, dropping the cigarette and smashing it with the scuffed toe of her high heel.

“You don’t talk a lot, do you, Kara?”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for being the way God made you.”

The mention of God triggers my automatic eye roll.

The bus rumbles up to the curb. Justine hops up from the bench. I want her to stay. I want to tell her about the notes and my stalker and my dead sister. But instead I watch her fan away the exhaust fumes and cough, before she grabs my hand and squeezes it.

“You’re a sweetheart, Kara. Thanks for making my first day special.”

  

AN HOUR AFTER I
say good-bye to Justine, there’s a loud bang at the door that separates our apartment from the café. It’s Noelle. She pulls me into a booth. Her face is red and she smells like she smoked a whole carton. Luckily the café isn’t crowded. Still, she takes out a cigarette and her lighter. “I think Mason’s cheating on me, Kar.”

“Don’t light that in here, my mom will kill you,” I whisper. “So what happened?”

Noelle flicks the lighter on and off, staring at the flame. “We were just sitting there in his car and I pissed him off because I always change the song on his iPod. I guess this time it was too much for the prick. All of a sudden he says ‘I think we need to see other people too, I mean we can still hang out but I want to explore my options.’ Explore my options? So I said fine, asshole, now I can go after Mr. Hoyt.”

“Nice, Noelle.”

She stares over my shoulder and points her lit lighter. “Mind your own business, bone lover, this is a private convo!”

I don’t even need to turn to see she’s talking to Hayden. But when I do, I smile and mouth, Forget it.

I feel Noelle’s lighter poking my shoulder. “Whose side are you on here?”

I turn back around. “Noelle,” I whisper, “he has nothing to do with it.”

She frowns at me and sits back. “Can you stop lusting over him for two seconds to listen?”

“Fine. What happened next?”

“He just went off, saying he was only joking and he knew I had a thing for Mr. Hoyt. Mason and his friends all got stoned last weekend and one of his idiot friends brought up this crap about Mr. Hoyt. I guess Mason was sober enough to remember and trick me with all this shit about breaking up. He’s such a dick.”

“And what guy wouldn’t love the idea of his girlfriend hoping to bang a teacher?”

“Yeah but I don’t see him that way, Kar. Shit he’s only a couple of years older than me. And he’s not even my teacher anymore so it doesn’t count. God, I need to let loose. Come on, Kar.”

“It’s a school night,” I say. “How about tomorrow night? Maybe a sleepover?” She narrows her eyes at me. I’ve made a mistake. Before she can protest, I add, “It can be fun you know. Watching movies, pigging out on cookie dough and pizza—”

“Getting drunk.”

“Okay, getting drunk, too.” I was going to mention my little weed stash to seal it, but that’s totally unnecessary now.

She sits up and flicks the lighter on again. “Okay. At my house, because your Harry Potter cupboard of a room sucks. Bring cookie dough. I’ll take care of the rest.” She stands up, cracking her knuckles. “Hey let’s watch all the Saw movies, too. I’ll call ya later.” As she leaves I hear her snap, “Forget it, boner boy. You know she’s way too good for you!”

When I whip around, Noelle’s hurtling out the door. I don’t even have time to yell anything to her before she gets out. My face feels hot and I want to sink down into the booth and hide.

I see now that Hayden is the only one left in the café with me, besides a couple my mom’s age. The dishwasher hums in the back. I know it’s not Charlie because it’s his day off.

“C’mere.” Hayden says, pointing to the seat next to him. He closes his laptop.

“I should go back upstairs,” I say.

“You’re too smart to be friends with Noelle.”

So now what? I’m getting the older brother talk? “You don’t know her, Hayden.”

“Yeah, I know her. Girls like her. Nothing there. Nothing to see. Unlike you.”

This all puts me on the defensive. I feel normal again. And it feels good. “She’s pretty much my only friend these days.”

Hayden chews his lip, as if wanting to say something but not sure how. “People kind of ditch you after someone close dies. Or maybe you ditch them. I haven’t figured out which is which yet.”

Now I don’t feel so normal anymore. My pulse quickens. “What do you mean?”

He shakes his head. “Forget it.”

“Did that happen to you, too?”

He nods, avoiding my eyes. “Yeah.”

“What happened?”

“Look, I’m sorry, Kara,” he says. “I don’t really want to talk about it. But I want you to know that I understand. I know how it feels.”

Thank God, because I don’t want to talk about it, either. “Thanks.”

Hayden stays silent for a solid minute. I could congratulate him for not filling the silence with more condolences or the need for more details.

“She drowned, right? Your sister?” he finally says. “I knew someone who drowned, too.” He reaches out to pick at an old scratch in the table.

I shake my head. “Look, your friend probably didn’t drown like Kellen did. Like, how many people are stupid enough to get drunk at a party and then fall into a swimming pool in October? Who does that?”

There’s a clang in the kitchen that makes me flinch. Raul’s obviously dropped something again. But Hayden doesn’t seem to notice. Instead he rubs his neck with one hand and starts tapping his fingers on the laptop with the other, frowning at the screen.

I sit back and offer nothing more because I really don’t want to talk about Kellen. Another clang from the back fills the silence and I wonder if I should go check on Raul to make sure he didn’t fall or something, anything to get us off the topic of my sister.

Hayden closes the laptop. “Sorry about that. I mean . . . I hate when people are only half-there, but I do it all the time.”

I nod. A rush of warmth goes through me.

“You seem pissed at her, Kara.”

“Huh? Oh. Can we talk about something else please?”

“Sure.”

“Where’s your girlfriend?” I hear myself ask.

“Ah . . . we’re on a break.”

Before Charlie came back, this news probably would’ve put me over the moon. “Sorry.”

“I’m not. Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when we talked about my grandma, the baker? Remember I told you she was Greek? And she couldn’t speak English so she showed her love by baking us treats?”

I don’t remember at all. But he smiles and the fact that I notice again how incredibly good-looking he is makes me feel bad about Charlie for some reason. I don’t remember us talking about his Greek grandma ever, do I? But it doesn’t matter since I forget stuff all the time.

He continues. “She reminds me of you a little.”

“Thanks, Hayden. I remind you of your grandma. Nice.”

“No, no. Just in her dedication to what she loved doing. Baking. Like you. That’s why you remind me of her. It’s a compliment, trust me. Back in her village she baked for everyone. That was before she came to America. I miss her baklava.”

“Really, Hayden? A village?”

He nods like everyone lives in a village, and I feel dumb so I quickly say, “Give me her recipe and I’ll make it for you sometime.”

Hayden’s arm is practically around me and I feel the soft cotton of his sleeve against my neck under my ponytail. When he leans down, strands of his dirty blond hair fall over his forehead and his lips are inches from mine.

“You’d do that for me? Make me her baklava?”

“Mm-hmm. Phyllo dough is kind of tricky but I can do it.”

Outside the shop a face peers in. If it weren’t for the letterman jacket catching my eye, I wouldn’t have noticed him staring in at us. What the hell? Maybe now that he’s seen Hayden he’ll leave me alone.

I’m just about to tell Hayden but all thoughts are gone because he’s caught my chin in his fingers. His eyes flicker back and forth between my eyes and my mouth and then his lips are on mine.

“Thank you, Kara.”

I don’t have time to think about how quick the kiss is because he kisses me again, harder.

A thousand and one thoughts are going through my mind.

You’re just a fuckin’ baby, Kara.

It feels wrong. My arms were dangling at my side, but now I push my hands into his chest. He sits back and shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. My lips tingle. Before Charlie came back, I’d pictured this moment with Hayden a gazillion times, and in my dreams I’d been happy and floating on air. But my mind is taking me somewhere else, back to a memory, and now that it’s done, all I can do is try not to be sick or cry and hope that he’s not mad at me.

Again he kisses me, quick and soft on the lips before he slides out of the booth. “I need to go.”

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a flash of red across the room. Kellen disappears around the corner, her black ponytail peeking out of the top of her red hoodie.

At the door, Hayden doesn’t notice my sister, but turns and smiles at me, saying something I can’t hear. His face looks apologetic. Or pitying. Or maybe both. Probably about how I’m just a high school baby who’d never be able to meet his college guy needs anyway.

As soon as he’s out the door I want to go look for Kellen. But then I remember she’s dead. I’m frozen in the booth, shaking.

FRIDAY AFTER MY SHIFT
at Crockett’s, I pick up cookie dough. I have Justine wrap it in a brown bag for me because a real baker should never be seen with store-bought dough. I’m looking forward to just hanging out with Noelle and forgetting the weird stuff that’s been happening to me.

While I sit at the bus stop, my cell signals a new text:
Chg o plans. Me & M ok. Hang @ wrk tomm?

My feet won’t budge. I close the message, unaware the bus has arrived until the driver hollers at me if I’m getting on or not? I check the time of the message—an hour ago, when I was still working. Then I delete it.

I feel like I’m always standing outside those circular fences at the carnival, waiting for my turn on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I watch and wait as everyone else goes in and my turn never comes. I can’t wait to get out of here and be off to college. I set the tub of cookie dough on the bench; maybe someone will want it. Then I trudge toward home.

Noelle keeps texting me:
R U ok? Sorry. Hafta b w/hm. We’ll do it soon. Promise.

I let her off the hook by texting her back that I have so much homework it’s probably for the best.

Ok. Def good thing<3

Whatever. At the café, every table’s full and parties wait. Mom blows me a kiss and mouths, We are so blessed. She says it so often I can read her lips.

Upstairs, I take a shower, because I don’t know what else to do. With my hair wrapped in a towel, I sit in the window seat and watch the happy people strolling along the twinkly lit Ave in the frigid evening.

Down a block, El Diablo Coffee looks full and I think of Charlie.

I haven’t seen him in a while and I wonder if he’s there. Below me, muffled voices and laughter make the emptiness around me unbearable, so after combing out and drying my hair, I change into my favorite jeans and T-shirt.

My hand is almost on the doorknob when a loud knock, knock, knock scares me from the other side.

Mom wouldn’t knock on the door. Noelle would knock and yell.

“Who is it?” I ask.

It happens again, only louder. Three knocks. What the hell?

I listen carefully, still hearing the muffled voices downstairs. I can’t hear anything outside my door and I stand there waiting, my heartbeat picking up speed, while my cheek presses against the door to hear better.

Minutes tick away.

Then the thudding of footsteps hurrying downstairs and the amplified noise of diners as whoever was just outside my door opens the first-floor door that leads into the café. The door only Mom and I are allowed through. The door only Mom and I have a key for.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER I’VE
calmed down enough to go down to the kitchen and pull out ingredients for royal icing, intending to test out a design for the contest on some sugar cookies I’d baked and stuck in the freezer.

Before I mix I creep around the corner to see if Charlie’s washing dishes. Maybe Charlie came to the door? But changed his mind? This is what I’m hoping but deep down I know it wasn’t Charlie at my door.

Disappointment must show on my face because Raul, the regular dishwasher, smiles at me over his shoulder.

“Hey, Kara. Charlie’s off.” Then he winks. “If you were wondering.”

My mouth opens but nothing comes out, and I hurry back to my section of the kitchen. I try not to think of what Charlie might be doing or who he might be with.

When I turn around, Kellen’s sitting on the counter.