Futures and Frosting (20 page)

Is she seriously
typing every single thing I say?  I suddenly have the urge to scream the words
“ANAL WARTS” just to see if she keeps right on clicking away without batting an
eye.

I want to ask
her if she heard me say I was addicted to porn.  Maybe the noise of kids
playing around us or Gavin’s loud huffing and sighing block out what I said. 
Obviously, I can’t bring it up and
ask
if she heard me because if she
hasn't, she’ll want me to repeat it.  And knowing me, I
will
repeat it
to be polite and that will just fuck up this entire freak out I'm currently
having.

I am hereby
restricting the word “porn” from my vocabulary.  It’s getting me into too much
trouble.

Lisa stops
typing and gives me the universal one-finger, hold on a minute sign as she
answers her ringing cell phone.

“Son of a
bitch,” I mutter.

“You said a bad
word,” Gavin informs me.

“I’m allowed.
I’m an adult.”

“I wanna be a
dolt!” he says excitedly.

A few minutes
later, Lisa ends her call and turns her attention to Gavin.

“How about I ask
you some questions now?  Would that be okay?”

“Sure,” he says
with a shrug.

“Do you have a
nickname?  Can I call you Gav?” Lisa asks.

“Can I punch you
in the face?” he asks.

“Gavin!” I scold.

“What’s your
favorite color?” Lisa asks, both of them ignoring me.

“I like green. 
Green is green.  I fart green.”

Oh
wonderful.  This is turning out to be a stellar interview.

“What’s your
favorite food?”

“Skabetti and
meat balls.  Balls are delicious!” Gavin exclaims.

Lisa and I both
share a snicker over that one.

“If Phineas and
Ferb and Spongebob got into a fight, who would win?” Lisa questions.

Gavin thinks
about this for a minute before answering.

“Spongebob ‘cuz
he’s a big tough man.  Phineas and Ferb are dumber than his wee-wee.”

I roll my eyes
and shake my head.  This interview has officially gone in the shitter.

“What is your favorite
holiday?”

“Fart.”

“Gavin,” I warn.

“What’s your
favorite animal?”

“Sheep, ‘cuz
they’re stupid,” Gavin answers with a laugh.

“What’s your
favorite smell?”

Oh that’s a
super question to ask a four-year-old who just said his favorite holiday is
passing gas.

“Smelly cat. 
And feet,” Gavin says with a giggle.

“What’s your
favorite song?” Lisa continues.

Please don’t
say “99 Problems But the Bitch Ain’t One” or I will smother Carter in his sleep
for downloading that to his iPod.

“SMELLY CAT,
SMELLY CAT, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU!” Gavin sings as loud as he can.

“How do you even
know that song?” I ask him.

Gavin replies
with a shrug.

“You like to say
big people words a lot.  How come?” Lisa asks.

“'Cuz I like it.
'Cuz I’m a man.”

“I’ve heard you
like to talk about your wiener a lot.  Why do you do that?”

‘Cuz it’s
stupid.  I crapped my pants.”

Gavin laughs out
loud at himself.

“Excuse me?  You
know you aren’t supposed to say that word,” I scold.

“I can’t say the
s-h-p word either.  What the heck am I ‘sposed to say?” Gavin asks with a roll
of his eyes.

This is what I
have to deal with.  Am I supposed to correct him when he spells “shit” wrong? 
Why the fuck hasn’t anyone printed a parenting handbook yet?

“What’s your
favorite thing to do?”

“Fart in
everyone’s face,” Gavin says in between giggles.  “FART!”

“You sure like
to say ‘fart’ a lot,” Lisa says with a laugh.

“’Cuz I like
saying it forever, punk!”

I put my elbow
on the table and my head in my hand.  There is no point in even trying to put a
stop to this train wreck. 

“What do you
like better, cookies or girls?” Lisa questions.

“My mommy makes
yummy cookies.  Girls are stupid.  Except for Mommy ‘cuz she has boobs,” Gavin
replies earnestly.

“Gee, thanks,
sweetie,” I mumble as I lift my head and glance at Lisa to see if she looks as
horrified as I feel.

“When you grow
up, who do you want to marry?”

Obviously, the
fact that any chance at a Pulitzer for this interview is long gone doesn’t
matter one iota to this woman.

Gavin gets up on
his knees on the bench seat and places a loud, wet kiss to my cheek.

“I want to marry
Mommy.  We’ll kiss and we’ll marry and I’ll take her on dates and we’ll be best
friends forever and make lots of phone calls with each other.”

No, no, no,
no.  Just...no.

“Phone calls? 
Do you mean you’ll call your mommy a lot when you’re older?” Lisa questions.

Don’t do it. 
For the love of God, don’t do it.

“No, we’ll make
phone calls like Mommy and Daddy do when they go into their bedroom and lock
the door and yell and make weird noises,” Gavin replies.

“When asked if
he enjoyed preschool, the precocious four-year-old asked me if I was the
police.  When I told him that no, I was not the police, he informed me that I
should go to jail and called me a ‘dicky punk’.”

Carter laughs as
he reads the magazine interview aloud.  Lisa had sent me an email copy of the
interview right after she finished it so I could look it over, but seeing it in
print in one of my absolute favorite magazines that I have read cover to cover for
years and only dreamed about one day being in makes me feel a little sick to my
stomach.

“How can you
laugh about this?  This isn’t funny.”

“Gavin is quite
obviously fond of both of his parents.  When asked what his favorite thing
about his father was he replied, ‘He tucks me in at night and tells me that if
I eat my green beans my wiener will grow big and strong just like his,’” Carter
reads with a laugh.

“I’m buying that
kid a Porsche.  He just told all of America that I have a big, strong penis.”

I shake my head
at him and get up to dump the rest of my now cold coffee into the sink and
rinse out my cup.  My morning coffee, which usually brings me close to orgasm
and gives me the strength to make it through the day, leaves me feeling
queasy.  I’ve only been able to stomach two sips of it.  I'm guessing that the
combination of seeing my name in print in my most beloved food magazine and
listening to Carter read back to me the embarrassment of that day three weeks
ago is the culprit for my upset stomach.

“Claire, this
interview is awesome.  She raves about how amazing you are by making your
dreams come true and how absolutely delicious everything you make is.  This is
going to drum up so much business for the store.  You should be proud,” Carter
tells me.  “Although, I really think we need to sit down and talk about this
porn comment.  I get that you’re uncomfortable about it, but you don’t need to
be with me.  I like porn.  I like to watch porn.  I would especially like to
watch porn with you,” he states as he set the magazine down on the kitchen
table, stands up, and walks over to me.

He rests his
hands on the counter on either side of me, caging me in.  He presses his body
up against my back and places a kiss to my shoulder.  I sigh, memories of the
last time we stood like this in the kitchen flooding my mind.  Even having my
mother walk in on us doesn’t diminish the hotness that is kitchen sex.

“What’s really
going on in that head of yours?” Carter asks as he rests his chin on my
shoulder and we stare out of the little window above the sink.  I watch Gavin
in the front yard, sitting on the walkway right in front of the porch drawing
with sidewalk chalk.  “I can tell something has been on your mind, so what
gives?”

Just tell
him.  Tell him that all of a sudden after Liz and Jim’s wedding, all you can
think about is donning a white dress, standing in front of everyone you know,
and committing the rest of your life to this man.

“Ever since the
wedding you’ve been on edge.  Don’t worry, I have no intention of dragging you
to the altar if that’s what you’re worried about,” Carter says with a laugh.

I close my eyes
and let my head fall forward. I should have never made those little comments
all these months about how I'm not sure about the whole idea of marriage.  How
the hell am I supposed to know I’d change my mind?

“It’s nothing,
really,” I reassure him, turning in his arms and putting on a happy face I
don’t really feel.  I place my hands on his cheeks and pull his face to mine,
kissing him with all of the love I feel bubbling in side of me.  Carter moans
softly and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight.

The front door
opens and closes, and we end the kiss that's sure to heat up if we don’t stop. 
No matter what we have going on in our minds, no matter what kind of struggles
we are dealing with, nothing can change the spark between us or how much we
want and need each other.  That is one thing I'm absolutely positive of.  Right
now, that is the only thing I am sure of.

“I love you,” I
tell him, staring into his gorgeous blue eyes and trying to push my worries to
the back of my mind.  “I’m just out of sorts.  Liz has been crazy busy since
she got back from her honeymoon.  We haven’t had a lot of time to talk and I
miss her.  And I just haven’t been feeling well.”

Carter puts his
hand to my forehead as Gavin comes running into the room.

“You do look a
little flushed.  Are you coming down with something?” he asks, pressing the
back of his hand to one of my cheeks.

“I’m sure it’s
nothing.  Just stress,” I reassure him.

“Hey, Dad, guess
what my favorite word is?” Gavin asks as he stands next to us, bouncing back
and forth excitedly from one foot to the other.

“I don’t know,
what’s your favorite word?” Carter asks as we separate from our embrace, and I
go back to rinsing out my coffee cup and the other couple of dishes in the
sink.

“Nutjob.  Nutjob
is my favorite word.”

“Of course it
is,” Carter states with a sigh as he lifts Gavin into his arms and starts
walking across the kitchen, no doubt to once again explain to him the
difference between little people words and big people words.  I know it’s wrong
to staple something to someone’s head, but I am two seconds away from writing
this rule down on a piece of paper and smacking it to Gavin’s head with the
black Swingline that's on our computer desk.  And just that quickly, I feel
like crying for even thinking about doing that to my son.  I'm obviously having
issues.

“I’ll give Jim a
call and see if they have any plans tonight.  I think you just need a night out
to take your mind off of everything,” Carter tells me as I watch him walk out
of the room giving Gavin a few tickles and blowing a zerbert on his cheek.

He’s probably
right.  I just need a night out with friends, particularly my best friend.  Liz
and I haven’t had any alone time since she’s been home.  She has told me more
than once to just say the word and she’ll drop everything so we can sit down
and talk, but I feel bad about imposing on her.  She's a newlywed with her own
business to worry about.  I don’t want to bring her down with my insecurities. 
If I don’t talk to someone, though, I'm going to explode. I can feel it. 

Or maybe throw
up.  I suddenly have an image in my mind of a person literally being blown to
bits with blood and gore and body parts splattering against a wall.  With my
hand to my mouth I race to the bathroom to throw up the small amount of coffee
I consumed.

~

“Seriously,
Claire?  How is it that we’ve been friends all these months and I didn’t know
that you’ve never been to one?” Jenny asks with a shocked expression on her
face.

“What are we
discussing here, ladies?  Donkey shows?  Midget and donkey shows?  Ping pong
shooting vaginas in Tijuana?” Drew asks as he gets back from the bathroom and
takes his seat at the table.

Carter calls
everyone earlier in the day and demands they clear their schedules for a night
out.  It really isn’t too hard to convince anyone to do this, but I still
appreciate the fact that he's organized it for me and knows how much I need
it.  We are just finishing up dinner at Lorenzo’s, our favorite local pizza
place that's famous for not only good food but cheap draft beers.  My stomach
still isn’t feeling one hundred percent better after that morning so while
everyone around me enjoys their drafts, I stick to 7 Up in the hopes of
settling things down.

“Claire has
never been to a sex toy shop,” Jenny informs him.

“Wait, I’m
confused.  Liz owns a sex toy shop, and it’s right next door to Claire’s,” Drew
tells her, turning his attention on me.  “Dude, you’ve never walked over to the
shop that’s connected to yours?  That’s a little weird.”

“Of course I’ve
been to
Liz’s
store.  I’ve just never been to any other store.  And I
don’t really think her store counts since it’s not like it’s full of sex toys
right out in front,” I explain.

“True. My store
is like a mullet.  Business in the front, party in the back,” Liz states.

“Or like anal,”
Drew says with a laugh.

Everyone stares
at him.

“What?  It’s
totally like anal.  Business in the front, party in the back.  Hello?  Why is
that not funny?”

Jenny pats his
arm for comfort and we all resume our discussion.

“If you guys
will remember, I never even
owned
a vibrator until Liz conned me into
doing one of her at-home parties,” I remind them.

“Ahhhh yes, the
infamous dinner where we talked about your vagina and sex toys all night long,”
Jim says with a laugh.

That night still
goes down in history as one of the most mortifying nights of my life.  It had
been the night after I saw Carter again for the first time since our
one-night-stand.  I walked into Liz and Jim’s house, talking nonsense about my
vagina and how I’d never had an orgasm with another human being when I turned
around and saw Carter and Drew sitting on the couch listening to every word. 
Jim met them earlier in the day and unbeknownst to Liz or I, invited them over
for dinner.  The rest of the night had been spent discussing how many sex toys
I received at the party earlier that evening and the fact I only had sex one
and a half times in my life.