Game Over (5 page)

Dame’s
drama got to be too much for me. It was obvious he wasn’t faithful to me and had no intentions of becoming so. Things became more open for me after that. That experience made me grow up faster, recognizing my relationship with him for what it was. He used me and vice versa. Unfortunately, there was no controlling him. At times I couldn’t even reach him. It was cool, though, he was giving me something better than his time: an education in GAME 101.

Trust no man.
  

5
-
Caught Up

Obviously, I wasn’t a celebrity myself, far from it. But among my friends and family I was beginning to feel like one. Through mainly Dame, I
got to attend more and more industry events and my peoples knew it. They knew I’d been spending less time at school. They were hitting me up on a regular wanting to know when I was going to take them with me to another party or wanting details about the ones I couldn’t take them to. It felt good to be the object of conversation. I enjoyed it. The night of Mase’s album listening party for Harlem World was no different.  

The Roxy was packed. Everyone was there. Puffy was sharpening his party throwing skills with each party he sponsored. He was upgrading with each. I guess it was because he was gradually getting more and more money, making more industry connections. Just like watching Dame grow, it was interesting to see Puff do the same.

That night, as usual, I was enjoying myself. I was dancing, talking to friends, getting my drink on and bobbing my head to each of the songs the DJ played from Mase’s album. Sometime during that night, I noticed a guy looking at me. He was surrounded by security so I knew he was someone special or at least someone with some money. I didn’t recognize him though. Going about my business, no matter where I was in the club or what I was doing, he kept watching me. It was obvious that he was interested in me but I didn’t sweat it.

Dame
and I were still together at that point. Obviously, he had a lot of friends in the industry, some at the album release party. I didn’t know who was possibly there keeping an eye on me for Dame, if that was the case. But I did know that Dame wasn’t being faithful to me. I knew he was dating other women so of course I felt it was only right that I be able to do my thing also. If he could have a bitch on the side, I could have a nigga. Fair exchange ain’t no robbery.

Eventually, ole boy who’d been watching me all night
sent his security over to get me. They walked me over to their boss and left us to talk. Looking back, it’s weird realizing the moment he opened his mouth to me for the very first time, the sound of his voice became an addiction I would never be able to shake. It was raspy and had some sort of strange effect on me that I can’t explain to this day. It was more than sexy.

Ole boy introduced himself as Jason. He was cute and had
a boyish look about him. His smile, even without fully showing his teeth, was one of the brightest I’ve ever come across. His head was shaved down to the scalp and smooth. The entire package gave him a sort of innocence. I liked him from the jump. After telling him my name, we began to talk. “Winter,” he laughed. I’d always thought my name was a curse. It’s the type of name that makes people interested in you. He seemed interested in discovering more about me than discussing himself. He wanted to know who I was with, what college I was attending, where I was from. It all seemed to intrigue him. I liked that so we eventually exchanged numbers.

Jason
and I talked on the phone nearly every day despite the fact that I still lived with Paul. I enjoyed his conversation and he seemed to enjoy mine. It got to the point that I was looking forward to his calls, breaking my neck to answer whenever I knew he was calling. Hearing his raspy voice was like a fix. One day, Jason told me he was packing up and hitting the road. Not sure what he meant, I asked where he was going and why.

“You know the song “We’ll Always Love Big Poppa?” he asked.

Of course I knew it. Who in New York didn’t?

“Yeah, I know the song,” I told him.

“That’s me and my group, The Lox. I’m a rapper. I’m Jadakiss.”

I was totally caught off guard. In all honesty, at that moment in my life, getting with rappers wasn’t by design. It wasn’t something I planned. It was all coincidence
or maybe even fate. I hadn’t got with Nino because he was a rapper and obviously I had no idea Dame was a Hip Hop CEO when I met him. The shit had all fallen into my lap, like it was all God’s design. It was as if the Hip Hop world was coming after me, not the other way around.

After that phone conversation, Jason hit the road and stayed on it a lot but he never stopped calling me. If anything, he started calling
more
, excitedly telling me about everything he was experiencing. He was seeing the world for the very first time and it had him eager for more. He was like a kid in a candy store or a child on Christmas morning. I was genuinely happy for him. We became very good friends.

Jason wasn’t from the projects like me. He was from a safe part of
Yonkers so he wasn’t as gutter as me or most dudes I’d associated with. He had even gone to college himself. That was cool though. If anything, it made me like him more. We didn’t go on traditional dates. It was more like we’d simply meet up at events, usually with my girl Nikeya tagging along, and have fun. We rarely had privacy because he and I always had our crews with us, wanting them to share in the fun we were having in the industry. That’s what it was all about at that time….Fun. We were young.

I didn’t love Jason but I definitely had strong feelings for him, feelings that could
’ve possibly turned into love. Being around him was something I always looked forward to. Even our sex was more playful than anything else back then. We couldn’t really get it in exactly how we wanted to because our peoples were always around so we had to sneak it in closets and back seats. We even had to lock Nikeya’s ass out of a hotel room once so we could at least get a quickie in.

Then there were the times where we really got it in, with Jason showing off his mandingo skills. He was good in bed, the cuddly type. He knew how to be affectionate yet handled his business leaving me satisfied. Just the fact that he thought enough of me to offer a rag afterwards or asked me if I was hungry, thirsty, or needed anything should’ve told me to try to keep things working with him.
It was rare to see a rapper with emotions like that. He even made me want to do better in the emotion department. I’ll say this, if he ever goes broke, he could bottle his sex up and sell it for a sizable amount of money. Yeah…it was that good.

We’d even sneak and freak out in one of the bunks on the tour bus while everyone else was sleep or hanging out in the living room near the front part of the bus.
Those were the good days with him. He was
Jason
to me, not
Jadakiss
. He was genuine and appreciative of his opportunity. Money wasn’t flowing back then but he didn’t seem to care. He was just happy to have his shot and he wanted me to be a part of it. He wanted me to experience his climb to fame alongside him. On one of the weekends Paul was away, Jason performed at Delaware State. The shit made me an instant celebrity. Everybody knew because of the way I dressed and because of my swagger, something about me wasn’t quite like them. When they saw me receiving special treatment from Jadakiss, which I was careful to make look like a friendship so Paul wouldn’t ask questions, my stock went up even further than before. Everybody rode me hard, wanting to be in my circle. I loved the attention Jason brought me, but loved his personality more. He was very humorous and fun. I was really thinking about cutting Dame loose and being with Jason.

I had no agenda or ulterior motives
for spending time with Jason. Although money always came in from dudes I dated, I really wanted Jason’s friendship. That was good enough for me even though he sent me money through Western Union often. At one point my second semester of college tuition was due plus books, and all my other expenses, both personal and traveling expenses. As usual Jason came through just like the others.

I guess me and Jason were just kids then who were just genuinely happy to be a part of something so huge. That was why we clicked. We both wanted happiness and fun out of life. It seemed like we were meant to be.

There was guilt, though. Keeping it one hundred with myself, I have to admit that Dame was still in the picture. He shouldn’t have been. He didn’t deserve to be. It was obvious that for him I was just one girl in a thousand, whereas with Jason I was his
only.
When I look back, I feel horrible about that. I should’ve let Dame go but I didn’t know how to.

Jason and his group began to blow up. Lil Kim
and DMX appeared on their “Money, Power & Respect” track. That song was like crack. Everyone loved it and The Lox’s rhyme skills were being praised. Everyone in the industry was calling them real Hip Hop. The shit was even swelling my head up. There was nothing like being around my friends when his records would come on Hot 97. It felt good to hear people acknowledging that same distinctive raspy voice that had turned me on from the very first moment I’d heard it.

This was Bad Boy’s heyday
so Jason being signed with them was perfect. Everything the label touched was going platinum. Jason was being poised to do the same and he knew it. I was just as happy for his success. So when he invited me to meet him in Philly on the Bad Boy “No Way Out” tour, I accepted quickly. Nikeya and I left school and hopped the first thing smoking to Philly. When we got there, we met him at his hotel where there were about twenty other rappers and staff members ready to hop in the motorcade. Within minutes of walking into his room, it was time to roll. Soon we were hopping into a tinted out van and headed to the venue with Puff leading us in a Bentley. In front of him was a major police escort.

Man, it was like some Obama shit!

Jason had come up. Immediately, I noticed how Jason was being treated on this tour. He was becoming more of a priority. Since The Lox were now obviously becoming the next best thing, they were being treated that way.

When we reached the venue, I could
n’t believe my eyes. I mean, what I’d experienced with Dame and the college tour shows was wild. But this right here was fuckin’ mind blowing! The arena was huge. Brand new tour buses. Expensive equipment. Cameras. A heart shaped bed was unloaded, strictly for Lil Kim. Everyone had an assistant. Even the assistants had assistants. Security was all over the place. Dozens of Philadelphia police officers were also there. The moment seemed larger than life. It was like watching a movie being made.

After Jason left us so he could go get prepared, N
ikeya and I slipped on our backstage passes and headed directly backstage. Seeing what was going on behind the curtains was even more mind blowing than what we’d seen outside. Everyone was back there: Black Rob, Nas, Busta Ryhmes, Mase, and a whole lot of others. Somewhere between my seventeenth and nineteenth birthday I’d screwed Mase so seeing him felt uncomfortable. It was unmemorable so pretending as if he never drooled on my back during sex was best for us both. We both just waved and kept it moving.

I saw Kim also. Seeing her felt weird. I could remember her days at
the Junior Mafia house. She was just a regular girl back then. Now she was all over the radio and everyone was making a huge fuss over her. I wanted to approach her and ask her if she remembered me from the house but decided not to. I was happy for her though. She’d dealt with Big’s death and turned it into a come up, repping him every time she got the chance and doing everything she could to keep his legacy and memory alive. Nikeya and I were having fun though. We couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. Nothing could fuck it up, at least that was what I’d thought just before my eyes landed on a familiar but unexpected face.

Dame was there.

We were in a crowded hallway when I noticed him. Immediately, my heart rose to my throat. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I didn’t know if I should run, duck or hide. I should’ve known this was going to happen eventually. Sooner or later. I guess being so young and new to the game, it hadn’t occurred to me how small the industry was.

Come to find out, Jay-Z was performing on the tour also. Since N
ikeya and I came at the spur of the moment, we had no idea. Man, my heart was pounding at that moment. Within just seconds of me seeing him, Dame spotted me. I swallowed hard when a surprised look spread across his face. Without hesitation, he made his way through the crowded hallway with a vicious strut directly towards me, never taking his eyes off me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as soon as he reached me.

In that brief moment, Jason’s face crossed my mind. I saw his smile in my head. In my ears, I heard his voice. I saw all the good times we had and were having. I didn’t want to lose that. I wanted that forever. But at the same time, the selfish side of me didn’t want to lose what I had with Dame, although it wasn’t much. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too so I did exactly what Dame had taught me…

I lied.

“One of The Lox is Nikeya’s cousin,” I said with my face twisted into a smirk.

Dame didn’t respond. He just gave me this kind of sideways sort of look, obviously knowing I was lying. He’d been in the industry long enough to recognize
“game.” But instead of speaking on it, he simply looked me up and down, turned around and walked off. I had no idea if he believed me or not. Something told me he didn’t. I wasn’t sure but the chance of wedding bells ringing seemed to dwindle.