Gathering of Pearls (2 page)

I wanted to tell her how ill at ease I felt in that long, foreign outfit. I wished I could explain to her that I didn't want to be special just because I looked different. I longed to blend in so that I could learn to be part of the new world around me. But as I silently tried to formulate these thoughts into coherent English sentences, I saw Ellen staring at me and knew I had to respond.

"Thank you for liking my dress," I simply blurted out. "It is called a
hanbok.
But I am more comfortable in these." I pointed to my simple skirt and blouse. It was just too hard to express myself in English. English grammar was almost the complete opposite of the Korean. I wondered how long it would be before I could voice my thoughts and feelings accurately and freely. It was so frustrating to speak using such simple words. I probably sounded like a baby, and I worried that Ellen and the others would think me slow and stupid. I blushed and pretended to be absorbed in unpacking.

Ellen watched me in silence for a while and then began to help. Methodically, she hung and folded my things. As we worked, she asked me many simple questions, such as my birthday, my age, what the weather is like in Korea, and what type of food we eat there. She seemed to understand everything I said, and she smiled so warmly at me that I began to relax about making grammatical mistakes, and just talked and talked.

She unwrapped the picture frame with the photo of my family, and placed it on my dresser. "Where is your father?" she asked, after I had pointed out my mother, my older sister, and my four brothers.

"He died during the Korean War," I said rather uncomfortably.

"Oh, Sookan, I'm sorry," Ellen said. "Where did you take this picture? Is that Seoul? It looks so serene there."

"That was at the convent. We all went to see my sister there that day."

"You look awfully serious in this picture, Sookan," Ellen observed as she examined the photo.

"I had been talking to my sister. She told me she did not want me to come to America. She said I was too young to come by myself. She had plans for me in Korea," I murmured, remembering the lecture I had received that day. Not wanting to think about this anymore, I glanced over at the picture on Ellen's bureau, which was right next to mine. I had been wondering about the boy in that picture.

Ellen immediately reached for it to show me. "This is Kyle, my boyfriend. I met him a year ago, through my cousin, and we took this picture last spring when I was visiting him at Princeton. I can't wait till we're married. I already know that I want us to live in a yellow house with green shutters. And I want us to have four children, two boys and two girls."

I was at once stunned and impressed by all her plans. I had never heard anyone speak this way about marriage. In Korea, girls don't talk about such things. There, marriage is an event that is left to the elders to arrange and decide upon.

The bell rang loudly as a cue for us to turn the light out. The bustling dorm suddenly fell quiet and dark. As we lay in our beds, Ellen told me more about Kyle. He was a junior at Princeton majoring in economics, and an only child like herself. Her voice faded into the distance as I drifted off to sleep after my long journey.

The next day, at Ellen's urging, the two of us took the college bus to downtown White Plains. Ellen wanted us to buy matching curtains, bedspreads, and accessories for our room, so we headed straight for the "home accessories department" at Bonwit Teller's. Ellen immediately pointed to a set of bright pink curtains trimmed with lace, and to their matching accessories. "Don't you like this one?"

"Yes, I don't like it," I replied, noticing the high price tag. What little pocket money I had brought from home would be almost gone if I bought this. I had already spent a lot on transportation yesterday, and I still needed to buy books for class. It had been hard for Mother to save the small sum she had given me when I left. My airplane ticket and the clothes and other things Mother had bought for me had cost a great deal. I think Mother borrowed money from our relatives to pay for these things, and I knew she and my brothers would not be able to send me any more money from home. As a scholarship student, the college covered my tuition, and room and board. In return, however, I was to work fifteen hours a week in the college dining hall as scholarship work, and was required to earn good grades in all my courses and to meet the social, moral, and religious standards of the school. I would have to figure out some way to earn pocket money on the side.

"Sookan, what do you mean?" Ellen asked, looking very puzzled. "'Yes, you like it' or 'no, you don't like it.' Which is it?"

"I mean I do
not
like it," 1 said, sorry to be disagreeable. I felt embarrassed, and worried that I had hurt her feelings. I wondered why Ellen had asked me what I meant. Then, as she busily searched for another pattern, I realized that I had made a mistake when answering her. I was still thinking in Korean. No wonder she was confused!

I smiled at my own mistake and said, "Ellen, I am sorry that my answer was confusing to you. I am trying to speak in English, but my thoughts are still in Korean. In Korean, the proper way to answer your question is to say 'Yes, you are right that I do not like it.' It is confusing for me to keep all the English grammar rules straight. I am sorry I did not like your choice."

"Oh, don't worry. If you don't like it, just say no, no matter how the question is asked. English is simple!"

But it was not simple. Everything seemed so different here—not only the language, but the way of thinking, too.

"Come on," Ellen said, "I'm sure we can find something we both like." I felt like giving her a hug. Instead, I busied myself looking at various curtains and desk sets. Ellen seemed to like bright colors, so I suggested a print that had a bright floral pattern against a beige background. Ellen was pleased, and we picked out everything to match, even the wastebasket. Color coordination seemed a serious matter to Ellen. Her outfits matched right down to her nail polish and earrings. I wondered what Ellen must think of me, in my simple gray skirt, white blouse, and functional loafers.

I was eager to return to school to look at the course catalog, but Ellen insisted that we stop for sodas. As we sat drinking our ginger ales, other college students that Ellen knew came in, and she introduced me to all of them. They were upperclassmen that Ellen had met during orientation week. They had come up to school early to help the incoming freshmen. Ellen showed them all the things we had bought, and they congratulated us on our wonderful choices. How comfortable they all were talking to each other. Seniority and age difference did not seem to matter to them at all. It was so different from Korea, where younger people had to use honorific terms and bow formally when addressing upperclassmen.

When the waiter brought the bill, I immediately reached for it and offered to pay. "No, no, don't be silly," Ellen said. "We'll go Dutch." I didn't know what she meant by "Dutch" and just stared at her with surprise.

"We'll go Dutch ... you know, we'll split the bill. Okay, Sookan?"

"Is it all right to do that? I mean, is it all right among good friends?" I asked, feeling rather hurt.

"Sure. It's best that way. We can go out as often as we want without worrying about whose turn it is to pay. All good friends do that here."

"Oh," I said. "I will have to get used to that, too."

"What do you mean?" Ellen asked.

"In Korea, we don't even have such a word as 'Dutch.' One is either the host or the guest. Good friends always take turns treating each other. Each time the bill comes, we all fight over it because we never can remember who paid the time before." I thought fondly of the last time my best friend Bokhi and I had grappled over the bill.

"American style is so much simpler. It's less confusing, and saves time, don't you think?" Ellen smiled proudly. Everything seemed to be easy to her. I could see her point, I suppose, but it felt almost too simple and too practical; it seemed almost cold. I wondered if I would get used to this. I wondered which way was better.

While we were waiting for the bus with the older girls from school, they started talking to me and asking me all about Korea. Everyone was curious about me and where I came from. I was happy to be making friends, and eagerly answered all their questions. As the bus made its way through the busy streets of downtown White Plains, we began to speak of the college dorm rules, the nuns, the professors, and the courses we would like to take.

By the time I got back to school, I had made friends with several sophomores, juniors, and even some seniors. As I was saying goodbye, Ellen yanked me by the arm and said, "Come on, Sookan. Let's get our room set up!"

The assistant dean recommended that I select a light course load for my first semester. She suggested music appreciation and a studio art class. But I signed up for world literature, world religions, Greek and Roman culture, and early European history. I knew it would be difficult for me, and that I would have to study many more hours than my classmates because of my poor command of English. But armed with what had quickly become my constant companions, my English-Korean and Korean-English dictionaries, I was determined to get through these classes.

My most difficult course was European history, and 1 always stayed late afterward to copy everything off the board. One morning, as I was busy finishing up my notes, I heard someone say, "Here you are. You'll miss lunch again if you don't hurry." I looked up and saw Marci, who lived in the single room across the hall from Ellen and me.

"Hi, Marci," I said. She smiled timidly back at me. I had caught her staring at me several times over the past few weeks, but each time our eyes met, she would look away. Just the day before, I had run into her on my way back from morning Mass. She had her camera slung over one shoulder, so I said with a smile, "Good morning, Marci. It is a wonderful day for pictures. The sun is so bright today that it makes everything sparkle!" She just nodded, then walked quickly away. I had felt embarrassed and confused. I knew she was a bit shy, but she could have said something to me. Maybe she thought I was silly.

I had watched her walk up the hill with her camera swinging at her side, and thought how wonderful it would be to go for a morning walk and take photos. The campus was so picturesque with the leaves just starting to turn. I wondered if Marci had gotten a picture of the sunrise. I thought of my little camera still tucked away in my suitcase. It was Jaechun's prized possession, yet he had loaded it with film and given it to me, telling me to take some pictures for him as soon as I arrived at school. But there had been no time. I had barely managed to jot a few words on a postcard to tell Mother that I had arrived safely.

"Do you have time for lunch today?" Marci asked. "I saw you in here late yesterday, too."

Still surprised that Marci had stopped by to get me, I answered, "Yes, I always have to stay late to finish my notes. But I think I have everything written down. Okay, let's eat."

Marci was tall and thin, and very pale. Her short, straight brown hair was carelessly tucked behind her ears, and she wore no makeup. Her clothes hung loosely from her thin frame. I thought she was very pretty, though, in a sporty, almost boyish way. She was so different from Ellen.

"Here, let me carry some of those," she said, as she watched me piling my books in my arms. "Don't you want to drop off some of these books? I can take some back to your room for you."

"No, I will need all of them later in the day. I do not have time to walk back to the room. I have class after class, and then I have to do my scholarship work, and afterward, I have to get in as much studying as I can. It takes me a long time to read what they assign. Once I leave my room in the morning, I do not go back until the library closes. And I am
still
behind in my studies!"

As we headed across campus, Ellen, walking with three other girls, spotted us and called out to me. "Long time no see! Come sit with us. I'll save you a seat."

I waved back and smiled. She was right. Though we were roommates, we barely saw each other. I was up and out of the room before Ellen's alarm clock went off, and I usually got back just in time to get ready for lights out. Except for the few words we exchanged in the evening, I only really got to see her if we ran into each other in the dining hall.

"You're so popular, Sookan," Marci said. "I don't know how you manage it all. Do you like it here?"

"Yes, it's exciting to be here, meeting people and learning so many different things. But it's still difficult for me to express what I am thinking, and it takes me so long to get my reading and studying done. My head hurts by the end of the day. It is hard to think in English all day long, and I know I sound funny."

"You sound just fine. You've adjusted perfectly. I'm the one who looks and sounds awkward all the time." Marci looked down at her feet. "Like yesterday morning when I saw you. I didn't know what to say. Please don't think that I was ignoring you," she said with a pained smile.

"No, do not worry about that," I said, feeling petty for having felt hurt. "I am happy you came to find me today. I think that it's just harder for you to get to know people since you do not have a roommate. Why do you have a single room?"

"Oh, I requested it because I like to read at all hours," she said. "I want to major in classics."

As Marci and I passed The Castle to go to the dining hall, I suddenly remembered that I had to run up to the job placement office on the second floor to see if I could find some extra work. I had checked a couple of times and hadn't found anything. I needed a job on or near campus in order to fit it in with my scholarship work and my class schedule.

"Marci, I'm sorry but I need to see Miss Mullen about something. Would you mind if I meet you at the dining hall later on? Would you please tell Ellen that I will see her later, too?"

"All right," Marci said, looking disappointed. I stood for a minute and watched her round the corner toward the dining hall. How I wished that I had the time to join Marci, to introduce her to Ellen and sit lunching and chatting with them. Unlike Ellen, who was always surrounded by friends, Marci was alone whenever I saw her. I felt sad and frustrated that I didn't have time for her. It must have taken a lot of effort on her part to come and ask me to lunch.