Gay Bombay: Globalization, Love and (Be)longing in Contemporary India (39 page)

I WAS LIKE, WELL THAT’S THE ULTIMATE EMPOWERMENT, IF

YOU CAN BE SO MATTER OF FACT ABOUT IT.

Yudhisthir described his coming out as a
necessity
due to the extreme anxiety that he was experiencing while being in the closet, which was affecting his health and studies. ‘I was a nervous wreck. After coming out, the headaches have gone and the anxiety levels are lower. I am not com-pulsive or neurotic any more’. Harbhajan, who was married and forced to come out due to blackmail threats he was receiving from one of the male prostitutes he frequented, received rock steady support from an unexpected source—his wife!

SHE WAS RELIEVED. OUR RELATIONSHIP FINALLY MADE SENSE TO HER,

THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. SHE SAID THAT SHE

DIDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM BUT WE SHOULD KEEP IT WITHIN OURSELVES.

THE FIRST TWO YEARS AFTER I CAME OUT TO HER WE DECIDED NOT TO

HAVE A CHILD BUT THEN DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO BE TOGETHER

AND WE WANT TO HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED

FOR SEVEN YEARS NOW AND HAVE A DAUGHTER. I NOW TELL HER

EXACTLY WHAT GOES ON IN GAY BOMBAY MEETINGS, FILM SCREENINGS,

PARTIES, EVERYTHING. SHE EVEN MAINTAINS ACCOUNTS FOR THE [GAY

BOMBAY] GROUP! I AM SUCH A LUCKY BASTARD. I DON’T KNOW WHY

I HAVE GOT ALL THIS LUCK, I DON’T DESERVE IT.

Gopal’s insistence on speaking to the press about his homosexuality was a contentious issue with his family. ‘They say, ok, you are gay; why do you have to be in the press? Others can do it. My answer is that yes, there are others doing it too. And many more are required as well’.

Other respondents like Husain and Pratham walked a tight rope while negotiating space for themselves and their homosexuality within their
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family systems—a
don’t ask, don’t tell
policy that ensured that everyone was happy. Pratham revealed, ‘There has been silent support—by which I mean I have never been forced in marriage. They are aware that my partner lives with me. My sister and nieces in the US always bring or send gifts for him’. For Murgesh and Asim, tacit acceptance by the family had led to their making professional or personal sacrifices, that they said they were perfectly happy making.

ASIM: TO

ME, NOT GETTING MARRIED WAS A FAR MORE IM-

PORTANT ISSUE. I WAS VERY CLEAR THAT I WAS GOING TO

FIGHT DESPERATELY FOR THAT. I WASN’T READY TO PICK

ANOTHER FIGHT ABOUT WHERE I WAS GOING TO WORK.

I GAVE IN ON THAT [AND JOINED THE FAMILY BUSINESS]

BECAUSE I NEEDED TO PROTECT MY SEXUALITY BY NOT

GETTING MARRIED.

MURGESH: IF YOU FEEL YOUR FAMILY IS SACRIFICING IN ACCEPTING

YOU (PRIDE, SOCIAL STATUS AND SO ON)—YOU CAN ALSO

SACRIFICE. MOST OF MY FAMILY KNOWS—ALTHOUGH WE

DON’T DISCUSS IT. I AM WILLING TO MAKE THE SACRI-

FICE OF NOT BEING OUT COMPLETELY FOR THEIR SAKE.

As it could be expected, the geographical location of the respondents influenced greatly their capacity to network and meet other gay people.

For the respondents living outside India, coffee shops, bars, cafés, pubs, malls, gay video parlors and the Internet were all possible venues for interaction. For those within India, parks, public toilets, trains and railway stations and other cruising areas, the Internet and Gay Bombay parties were some of the options listed. Taksa even provided a detailed statistical breakdown of the people he met in Bombay—‘Internet—70 per cent; railway stations in Bombay—3 per cent; through other people—

25 per cent; gay group meetings—2 per cent’.

FAMILY TIES

Coming out to my mom is an anti-climax. I don’t plan it—it just…happens.

She is on one of her regular visits to Bombay from Bahrain and I am throwing
one of my trademark tantrums. I suddenly blurt out that I am gay. She says
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that it’s fine, but I still haven’t told her what I’d like to eat for dinner that
night! I feel cheated that my giant revelation has been brushed off with a
non sequitur
. What the…? It seems so ridiculously stupid to have carried
such a heavy burden for all these years, no?

It is left to my dad to make up for the lack of histrionics on my mom’s part
and he doesn’t disappoint. I wait until a few years later. I am at MIT and the
LBGT film festival that I am organizing gains some publicity. Since, I really
don’t want him to read about my homosexuality on the BBC’s homepage,
I call him up long-distance to break the news. He goes through the routine
of shock, disbelief, denial, and so on. Well, at least one of my parents is a
stereotype—having two perfectly understanding parents would be too much
to handle! He expresses his disappointment that I might not get married
and have kids, something he has looked forward to. I remind him that I am
in Massachusetts and that I could certainly get married here…to another
man and also adopt kids if I want to. He hangs up.

It takes him three months to call me back and he wants to talk about
the weather, the fluctuating fortunes of the Indian cricket team, the stock
market; anything but my homosexuality. I don’t let him off. I remind him
that I am gay and that he can’t pretend that our previous conversation never
happened. He says that he will never change his position. When I meet him
next in Bombay, I tell him about my book research, the people I encounter
and the places I go to and he listens impassively. Two years pass and the
pressure from my side is relentless. In every email I send him, I make it a point
to mention something about my life with partner Junri in Boston. I feel quite
hopeless about the fact that he is not budging even a little bit, but then as
I tell him when we meet again in Bombay, it is his choice and ultimately,
his loss. After some volatile showdowns, things finally change and now, he
occasionally asks about how Junri is doing, or at least doesn’t flinch when
I bring up his name. While I am in India and talking to Junri on Skype video
chat, my mom pops her head in front of the webcam and asks him how his
presentation went, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, to be
talking over video, to her son’s partner, halfway across the globe. It’s strange
how something can be so normal for one parent and so alien for another!

Meanwhile we fight a similar battle with Junri’s parents. His mother
eventually visits our home in Boston and finds it a little disappointing when
she doesn’t find any wigs, dresses or make up around the house. We laugh.

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She’s come prepared to accept everything stoically, but our life is quite
boring. We work, we return home, we eat, maybe watch a little TV, go to
bed. So the most exciting thing we offer her is the view from the top of the
Prudential tower, over a late night ice cream.

GAY BOMBAY: ACCESS AND IMPACT

My respondents came to know about Gay Bombay by reading about it in city newspapers like the
Bombay Times,
searching for, or stumbling upon it on the Internet and through word-of-mouth publicity. Some accessed the group exclusively online (either because they were apprehensive, married, lived out of Bombay or simply did not have the time to attend any of its offline manifestations) and for these individuals, the website and newsgroup engendered a kind of ‘immobile socialization’7—enabling them to feel connected to the Gay Bombay community at large. Those who lived in Bombay and were comfortable attending the local events, equated Gay Bombay primarily with the city based events and not with the list or website. Even here, there was a split between those who thought of it as primarily a party space and those who thought of it as a space for other kinds of community events.

For the newsgroup subscribers, the reasons for signing up were varied.

For some it was just curiosity, for others, a way to know more about the emerging gay world in India. Vidvan said that he was ‘fascinated at being able to interact with other gay people in Bombay, while being anonymous at the same time’. The respondents from out of India looked at the group as a connection to their home country. Thus, Husain had experienced a ‘craving for my countrymen’ and could ‘relate better to men who think and act more in line with my culture and traditions’. For activists like Randhir and Gopal, the possibility of advocacy and working for the issue of LBGT rights was the lure. For Murgesh, it was the chance to share his poems and romantic musings with other gay people.

‘It is a readymade market—I would post my work and receive all
oohs
and
aahs
—people would write back and say, its so lovely…it felt good.

I felt euphoric’. Often, it was simply a search for empathic gay friends.

Respondents like Kabir and Asim, who had their fill of Madh Island parties and cruising and dancing at Voodoo through the 1980s and the 1990s, Straight Expectations
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accessed the various Gay Bombay spaces out of a sense of ‘wanting to do more for the community’ (Kabir). ‘You see younger people and you do not want those who are 15 to have the same experiences as you did and make the mistakes you made’. Asim found the sense of community he obtained through Gay Bombay as a progression from his promiscuous earlier days, in which ‘being homosexual was just about partying and sex’.

Once the respondents had signed up for the online group, they continued to subscribe for a variety of reasons. For Karim, Pratham, Randhir and Queen Rekha, it had become a community that they were deeply involved in and knew the other members. ‘It is a largely
non-cruisy
, moderately intelligent e-list’, said Randhir. ‘I continue to visit it mostly to update myself on what is happening and also to update others with information that I may be privy to. I also like to read up on the various articles that get posted there regularly’. It was also important to know

‘who is bitching about whom…’ (Vidvan). For Husain, Jasjit and Taksa who lived out of India, the chance to keep in touch with the happenings back home and participate in the discussions were the biggest draws, so that when they visited Bombay on their holidays, they could plug into the offline community easily. In contrast, Mike who lived in the US, declared that he had unsubscribed from the newsgroup and only occasionally visited the Gay Bombay site. His main interest in the group was the parties that he attended whenever he was in Bombay, but he was beginning to find even these to be boring.

Mike says:

Going every fortnight for the event gets very boring.

Parmesh says: Why is that?

Mike says:

Same people, trashy place, waste of money and at Gay

Bombay, there’s a 90–10 trash-cuties ratio.

I think Gay Bombay is more about shedding inhibitions,

learning to love sleaze and having a good time.

Parmesh says: In terms of activities?

Mike says:

Dancing.

Parmesh says: You see it primarily as a party organization?

Mike says:

I know they have other events too.

Parmesh says: Yes.

Mike says:

But I would get bored at those events.

Parmesh says: Why?

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Mike says:

Because they’re more for people who are coming to terms

with their sexuality.

Parmesh says: Ah!

Mike says:

That is phase 1.

Parmesh says: And you are in?

Mike says:

Probably phase 3.

For those respondents who accessed Gay Bombay offline, a pleasant first experience was the main motivating factor for them to keep on returning to the group’s events. Gul utilized the
Neighbourhood Watch
service provided on the Gay Bombay website and mailed one of the volunteers who had contacted him and encouraged him to come for the meeting.

When Gul subsequently expressed his apprehension about going for the Gay Bombay party the week following the meeting, the volunteer kindly told Gul that he could attend the party along with him and his boyfriend. Before attending his first meeting, Harbhajan was nervous that his married status might be a problem for some of the other members. Their unequivocal acceptance of him into their fold was a huge relief. ‘From then on, I attended each and every meet’. Bhuvan established at his very first meeting that this was a group he could ‘relate to’.

BHUVAN: THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PEOPLE I WANT TO BE WITH. ISSUES

BEING DISCUSSED IN SUCH A NON-PERSONAL WAY. THERE WAS

A STUDENT, WHO HAD JUST DIED, PEOPLE HERE WERE RE-

MEMBERING HIM WITH ENOUGH SENSITIVITY, WITH DUE

RESPECT TO HIS MOM. IN A WAY IT WAS COMFORTING THAT

IF I CHOSE THIS PATH, AFTER I DIE PEOPLE ARE THERE… WHEN

SOMEONE IS SO SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO SEE ISSUES CLEARLY

WITHOUT GETTING FILTERED, THAT’S WHEN YOU KNOW

THE PERSON IS SENSIBLE AND WHEN YOU HAVE ONE MORE

SENSIBLE PERSON LIKE THAT IN A GROUP, GOOD; IF YOU LOOK

UP TO THAT, YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THAT, THEN YOU WANT

TO COME BACK AND GAIN THAT KIND OF KNOWLEDGE. AT

[MY FIRST] PARTY I SAW THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES,

SAW HOW SENSIBLE AND SENSITIVE THEY ARE WHAT KIND

OF THOUGHT PROCESS GOES BEHIND THE SCENE. THESE ARE

RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE.

My interviewees came up with a wide range of positives attributed to Gay Bombay’s presence. For Taksa and Mike, the online world of Straight Expectations
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Gay Bombay had not emphasized individual differences as much as diminished them, while Pratham thought that it had resulted in making people more ‘individualistic and helped them live a gay lifestyle’. Karim felt that it had ‘literally changed the life of so many people’—helped many people come out, given younger people confidence and enabled at least some people to withstand marriage pressure.