Getting Old is the Best Revenge (8 page)

A New Job

I
t's eleven a.m. and the mail has arrived. Front doors open, people stroll over. For many, this is the big event of the day.

Evvie is already at the mailboxes. It's also the day her weekly Lanai Gardens
Free Press
is delivered, and she's graciously handing them out to her admirers. There's something for everyone in this newspaper my sister started years ago because, as she said, she desperately missed the
Daily News
and the
New York Post.
She covers everything from Hadassah meetings, clubhouse events, and religious services to garage sales. Everybody reads her reviews of plays, movies, lectures, and concerts, written in her own highly individualistic style.

Sophie is down early, a minor miracle. The pile of
Bingo Bugle
s is there and she can't wait to see the photos of this week's big winners from all over the country. Sophie's flavor today is lemon and she's dressed head to toe in that confection.

I open my mailbox to find letters from my grandchildren in New York. Bless them, they write me every week, with a little urging from my daughter, Emily. I look around to make sure Ida isn't here. She never gets mail from her family. It breaks her heart, and I don't like to read mine in front of her. This week's offerings are drawings. Elizabeth, the oldest, sent ballet sketches. Erin drew her beloved horses. Pat sent cartoons he's created, and Lindsay, the budding photographer, sent funny photos of her menagerie of dogs and cats. I put the mail in my pocket to reread and enjoy again later.

I hear a smattering of laughter and I turn to see a group clustered around one of the picnic tables. Tessie is holding court. I walk over to see what's got everyone's interest. Tessie is reading Evvie's latest review aloud. She's laughing so hard her massive chins and arms are jiggling. Her audience is rapt.

Our two newest tenants, the cute cousins Casey and Barbi, are enjoying the entertainment. They look like they are just about to leave to play tennis, and they are adorable in their tennis togs. It's nice to see young faces around here.

Even Denny Ryan, our maintenance man, has stopped sweeping the palm fronds to listen. Denny has finally recovered from the harrowing escape he had two months ago. He's back to working on his garden, and he has a new interest: the adorable Yolanda, who takes such good care of our Millie. So far, the two of them have only exchanged shy smiles, but we hope they'll soon get further along in their relationship.

When Tessie sees me she starts over. I want to tell her not to bother, since Evvie makes me read everything before she sends it in, but Tessie starts emoting.

" 'Knishes or Knocks? Good Girl Goes Tres Bad by Evvie Markowitz. Review of the French movie
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
' "

Evvie, pretending to stroll, is watching people read her paper, occasionally smiling at a thumbsup sent in her direction. Hearing Tessie, she turns. She waves toward us in her most grandiose manner, graciously bowing, like the true
artiste
she is.

Tessie waves back. As she continues to read, Evvie lip-syncs along with her.

" 'Another French movie, and you know how this reviewer loves French movies.' We sure do know, Evvie." There is a happy nodding and murmuring at that.

" 'We loved her in
Amelie,
but I warn you, you're not gonna love Audrey Tautou here as she stalks a doctor, a handsome cardiologist who she loves. Wink, wink, a cardiologist, a doctor of the heart. So how come he doesn't love her back, she's so sweet? But then again, he's married, so maybe that's why. At first it doesn't look like she's stalking, she looks like a girl in love. But believe me, she is stalking, because later in the movie everything turns all around and what was one thing five minutes ago is now something else. But we don't care; she's gorgeous whether she's good or bad, until she starts destroying her friend's apartment and then rips up her wedding dress. She gets weirder and weirder and we start to think maybe she should have gone for a psychiatrist instead of a cardiologist. It was a confusing movie but I'm sure I explained it perfectly.' " Tessie grins as she finishes the review. " 'So, Knishes or Knocks? I give it two knishes. Loved Audrey but the story was not much.' "

Tessie bows and her audience applauds. Evvie comes over to shake hands with all her admirers.

Ida and Bella show up finally and our group moves off to another of the picnic tables on the grass. We are gathering to plan our errands for the day.

"So how was your date last night?" Bella jumps right in.

"Great," I say noncommittally.

"So how was the food?" asks Sophie, still reading the
Bugle.
"You really ate raw fish?"

"Yes," I say.

"So how's Morrie?" asks Ida.

I love the way they always take turns. I wonder if they draw straws beforehand to see who goes first.

They never take the hint. They know I won't tell them anything, but they still ask. "Fine."

"Feh,"
complains Bella, "she's worse with words than that stingy Irving." She gives me a gentle poke. "It wouldn't kill you to share."

"Hey, listen to this," Sophie says, excitedly waving the newspaper. "They're having a drawing in the
Bugle
for a free luxury bingo cruise for two! And it ends this week."

"Big deal," says Ida. "You really think you have a chance in hell of winning?" She continues to browse through her mail. "All ads," she says with disgust. She hides her disappointment.

"Well, it couldn't hurt to try. I'm buying five dollars' worth. Anyone want to throw in a buck?"

Bella dips daintily into her purse, pulls out a dollar bill, and offers it over to Sophie. "Count me in, partner."

There are no other takers. "You'll be sorry," Sophie warns. "When I win, I get to pick my companion, so you better start being extra nice to me."

"What do you mean--when
you
win? What about me? I put my money in. Can't I be the companion?" Bella says.

Sophie ignores her.

"I miss bingo," Bella complains. "Now that we stay out late on our stakeouts, I'm too tired to play the next day."

"Me, too," adds Sophie.

"I never win, so I don't miss it," says Ida, the perpetual voice of negativity.

A group of women walk toward us, looking very determined. Those who are still hanging around the mailboxes stay to see what this is about.

Hy and Lola, standing on their balcony on the second floor, are leaning over the railing scanning the action. Mr. and Mrs. King of the Roost!

"Well, look who's here," says Tessie, sunning herself on her bench while eating potato chips. She's always eating something. She waves to one of the women. "Hey, Sarah, what's up?"

There is an exchange of greetings between those who know these members of Phase Five.

May Levine is the spokesperson. "We've come to see Gladdy." The four women walk up to our picnic table. "We want to hire you."

Hy leans far over the railing. "Hey, Glad, I told you about the peeper. She's the one who got peeped." He struts up and down the balcony, proud of himself.

May looks at me, surprised. "You already know?"

Hy isn't finished. "Of course she knows. I told her. I know everything that goes on around here. Sometimes before it even happens."

May scowls, turns her back on Hy, and looks at us.

Evvie asks, "Did you recognize the guy?"

"No," May says, hands on hips, "but if I ever see that limp
putz
again I'd know it!"

Bella covers her ears as everyone else laughs.

"The coward was wearing a mask!" number two in the delegation, Sarah, contributes.

"A Superman mask," says number three, Edna.

"Did he wear a cape?" Casey wants to know. Her cousin Barbi adds, "With a big yellow
S
on it?" Apparently this is more interesting than getting to the tennis court.

May says, "I don't know, all I saw were his eyes through the mask. And the
putz.
"

More giggles.

Practical me asks if she called the police.

May says, "Of course I did. Did I expect they would do anything? No. They laughed! And embarrassed me because they wanted me to translate
putz.
"

"This is a job for Super
woman,
" Sophie announces dramatically, pointing at me.

Sarah announces, "We, the women of Phase Five, want to hire you to find--"

"The
putz
!" Tessie screams out hysterically, spilling potato chip crumbs down her sizable bosom.

It's becoming a circus. But why am I surprised? I should have moved this meeting upstairs. Too late. Hail, hail, the gang's all here.

Hy joins in again from above. "Let's get all the guys around here to drop their pants!"

Lola smacks him on the head. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, you letch! Showing off your equipment. We don't know that he's even from around here!"

"First," says occasionally practical Evvie, "let's talk about the fee."

The four ladies of Phase Five look shocked.

"What fee?" asks Sarah.

"You do this for money?" asks May. "I never heard of such a thing."

Evvie raises an eyebrow. "You got a problem with that? What do you think--we're a nonprofit organization?"

May says, "This affects all the phases. Let everybody chip in."

"Hey," says Edna petulantly, "next time it could be you! If you live on the ground floor."

"Yeah," says Sarah. "What about doing it
pro
bony
?" Obviously they, too, watch the jargonfilled lawyer and cop shows.

"How about
pro boner
?" Tessie screams with laughter.

"That's
pro bono,
" Evvie corrects, hiding a grin.

"Just go and catch him," demands May Levine, hands on hips.

"Oy,"
moans Bella, "more night work."

Well, I guess I have a new client.
Pro boner.

15

A Funeral in Boca

I
still don't get it," Evvie complains. "Why are we schlepping up to Boca? And why did I need to wear dark colors and stockings?"

She hasn't stopped questioning me since we started our drive up the AIA to Boca Raton.

"Can't you just enjoy a nice ride along the coast and not make a big deal about it?"

"No," she says. "I had a
nice
rummy tiles game set up for today that you made me cancel. Besides, enquiring minds want to know. And furthermore, why did we have to lie to the girls? Why couldn't they come along?"

"I gave them an assignment, didn't I? I asked them to go door-to-door in the other phases to find out if anybody would like to report on a Peeping Tom incident."

I think about Evvie when she was a kid. Always asking "Why?" No matter how many times I'd answer, there was another
why
. Even though I was only two years older, big sister was supposed to know everything.

"And besides," I say, "aren't you glad to have a day alone with me for a change?"

"Yeah, but I still would like to know why."

I smile. Good old dependable Ev. It used to drive me crazy when I was young, but now I really like her "enquiring mind."

Evvie pulls at her black cotton blouse, trying to blow air down her front. "Black makes you hotter and I'm sweating. Turn up the air."

"It's as 'up' as it goes."

"But why didn't you just tell them where we were headed?"

"All right already. It's because we're going to a funeral. And you know how they behave at cemeteries. Bella won't walk on the grave markers, Ida hates anything to do with death--"

"Wait a minute. Somebody died?"

"If one is attending a funeral, one might say that. But relax, it's nobody we know."

"Then why are we going?"

I sigh and turn off my Andrea Bocelli tape. Boy, do I love that guy's voice. "I intended to use the time on the trip to fill you in, but no--you have to know everything all at once. I'm filling you in now."

"Well, if you had just said so . . ."

"Shh, listen. When I had dinner the other night with Jack and Morrie, I opened my big mouth and said I thought those two women, the one in Boca and the one in West Palm Beach, were murdered."

"You're kidding."

"Don't comment. Those two women were both wealthy, both died unexpectedly of heart attacks. Less than a week apart? Too convenient."

She looks at me for a long moment. "You believe that?"

"I've no idea. It just popped out of my mouth. I really made a fool of myself, spinning theories like there might be a serial killer who hated rich women, or someone was killing them to work their way up the twenty-five-richest list."

Evvie ponders that for a moment. "Like Alec Guinness in
Kind Hearts and Coronets
?" Evvie relates everything to movies she's seen.

"I mean, it's possible, isn't it?" I ask her. "How come unexpected heart attacks? They weren't that old. They had plenty of dough to spend on keeping healthy. My money's on the ones who will be getting their money. Like their husbands."