Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (10 page)

There's a conspiracy of silence about anger and fighting, quarreling and making up. Nobody really talks about it. The subject is a closely guarded secret. Couples and families are very tight-lipped about what is going on behind closed doors. So, just in case you thought you were the only one who gets angry and has big battles, I've got news for you: You're not. Very respectable people get angry and fight. Here's one of my favorite quarrels, which I have heard in various forms. My clients and I have named it “You Never.”

Mark says, “You never want to make love.” Carla replies, “And you never help around the house.” Mark and Carla have fought the “You Never” quarrel in one form or another for sixteen years, and although they haven't solved every one, they've figured out that most of their complaints about one another are linked. If he's feeling “you never” about her, she's probably feeling a form of “you never” about him. “I've learned that if I want sex, it's a good idea to help around the house,” Mark says. “And I've learned that if I want Mark to help around the house; he's more willing if he thinks we're going to have sex,” Carla says.

Love and anger, fighting and making up are the absolute nitty-gritty of human existence. What can you learn about getting mad and making up? What can we learn from our quarrels and from reading those of others? To avoid the pitfalls! To recognize strategies of domination and techniques of manipulations—regardless of whether these are your own or someone else's, and regardless of whether they are deliberate or only semi-conscious. To see the patterns that lead to conflict.

To recognize and avoid those patterns requires considerable skill, but learning about yourself and how you've contributed to the mess you're in is easier in the long run. If you're willing to learn about yourself, you'll still disagree with your sweetie, but you'll do it in peace and goodwill.

If you've ever snapped at your sweetheart because she was snapping at you, you know what a negative chain reaction that little snap can set off. If you've ever raised your voice in reaction to the tone in his voice, you
know firsthand that two shrill tones don't make an agreeable melody, or a congenial marriage. There is a Chinese proverb that says, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” All couples have arguments. The trick is to be patient during the argument. Patience in the middle of an argument is the passkey to understanding what the trouble is about. When you're patient, you can treat each other gently while figuring it out. And often you don't need to figure it out at all, because being patient with each other was the only remedy needed. All arguments can end kindly with the words, “Yes, dear,” or “I see what you mean.”

A satisfying relationship is not accidental; it happens with plenty of listening, laughter, quarreling, and making up.

The ways of love and anger are very unpredictable. Sometimes people yearn for love without finding it, and sometimes they simply fall into love without even looking for it. But regardless of whether they've yearned for it, planned for it, or just fallen into it, lovers know that love feels wonderful. Everything is so delightful, and you feel so exhilarated that you can't imagine things will ever be different. And yet things are different, or become different, very quickly!

Lovers do get angry with each other and start fighting—sometimes very soon after they first get together. Getting mad at each other and quarreling is just about inevitable. It goes with the turf.

I once asked a well-married friend of mine whether he had fought with his wives. “Yes,” he replied, “I did, but not nearly as much as I should have.” He reminded me of an important finding: that the way a couple deals with anger and conflict is an important factor in determining the success of a relationship.

You can deal with conflict by shoving it under the rug, by pretending it doesn't exist. You can deal with anger by overpowering the other person— whether you do it with a club or by sweet-talking them into oblivion.

I know people who don't even hear remarks they don't want to hear. They're convinced that anything that may possibly lead to friction must be tuned out. They insist on nothing but sweet talk. They're right to a point: All the sweet-talking lovey-dovey stuff is great—but unfortunately, it doesn't last forever. Anger and conflicts need to be dealt with. If you don't deal with them, they gather momentum until one day nothing can stop them, and they then thunder down upon you like an avalanche.

Anger is a signal that something between you needs to be dealt with. Paying attention to what's troubling your partner is good for your relationship.

There are all kinds of fights and plenty of things to get mad about. Money, sex, raising kids, religion, politics, where to live, in-laws, vacationing, drinking, eating, health—it's just infinite what people argue about. All these quarrels express themselves in different ways—hot anger, cold withdrawal, rivers of tears, and violence. At the bottom there is one thing that characterizes all quarrels. And that's The Blame Game.

The blame game is also known as fault-finding, nit-picking, making the other wrong, criticizing, complaining, bitching, whining, and seeing the mote in the other's eye. We play the blame game for many reasons. No one likes to admit being wrong. We say, “No I didn't,” or “It's not my fault,” or “That's not true,” or “Well, look what you did.” Blame is like a hot potato—we toss it back and forth. She says, “You spend too much.” He says, “You're too tight.” She blames him or the circumstances; he tosses it back.

You can make a case against anyone, and that includes your beloved partner. In love relationships the tendency is to blame the other person for our feelings: “You made me angry.” Then we replace that with: “I feel angry when you do such and such,” which is still pointing the finger at the other person. Anger arises to help us get to the root of the matter, but we have a tendency to blame the other when we're angry rather than looking within ourselves or at the problem. If something is not happening as we'd like, it is easier to blame the other than to take responsibility for getting what we need.

Remember, you're always responsible. If he is 75 percent to blame, that leaves 25 percent for you, and that's the part that you must deal with. If you don't like what's going on between the two of you, change yourself. Drop those qualities or actions that create trouble in your relationship. Make love a self-transformation, and your life will be enriched.

We can't expect our partner to do it all or be it all for us. We have to look deeply within ourselves to find what needs to be changed. Instead of making the other person wrong, communicate about what is causing your pain. That's more productive.

Is all this blaming really worth it? In the blame game, both players are losers. You'll be much happier if you pin the blame on the donkey. The blame game stops when one person says, “I see what you mean,” or “I never looked at it that way,” or “You might be right.” The blame game
stops when one person says, “Honey, lets pin the blame on the donkey instead of each other.”

I know a husband and wife who filed for bankruptcy, lost their house, their cars, and their business. Instead of blaming each other, they threw a pity party. The invitations read, “It's our party and we'll cry if we want to.”

The ties that join a loving couple are far stronger that the forces that divide them. Loving couples create a safety zone where anger can be expressed without either getting hurt. Their relationship is not threat-ened by disagreements. They're aware of each other's strengths, they value what each brings to the union; consequently they won't let anger fly out of control. They take care of each other even when they're fighting. “Let's not go there,” Sean reminds his wife, and together they make a turn from the dead-end direction they're heading.

Couples who manage anger well function under these principals:

1. Physical violence is not allowed. Loving couples have an irrevocable rule against physical violence. They may get into shouting matches, but they would never hit each other, throw things, or destroy each other's property. There's a mutual respect for each other's point of view, and even when they're in the heat of an argument, there are places they won't visit. They don't insult each other's mothers or call each other names.
   
2. Our goal is what's best for us. Loving couples know that the goal of arguing is to clarify what is happening. If one person is angry, the other partner wants to find out what is going on rather than winning. They know that proving yourself right tears you further apart; trying to understand what life is like from your sweetie's point of view solidifies your union. Happy couples work to find a solution that is good for both.
   
3. Assume positive intention. Happy couples use anger as a signal that they need to sort through the muddle and find clarity. When one of you is angry, you both feel bad. A positive intention is to resolve it so that you can both feel better. When your partner is mad about something, don't assume that you know what it's about. Making assumptions before you've heard each other out is deadly to a happy resolution. When your partner is angry, instead of assuming the worst, come to each other in a spirit of cooperation. This gives you a far better chance of a positive outcome: “What's best for us.”
   
4. Our differences are our gain. When you finally admit to yourself and to each other that you have differences, you'll feel anxious,
   uneasy about your relationship and wondering if it's going to work out. When you're angry that your spouse wants to sleep with the window open while you prefer it closed, know that the negotiation that goes on between you is what having a relationship is all about. There's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated that he doesn't do it your way, but avoid the trap of thinking that the reason your life is so difficult is because of him. Instead of saying, “We can't get along,” say out loud, “We're having a difficult moment,” and then add, “Let's figure out how to create something superior out of this.” Instead of trying to erase differences, a loving couple finds ways to incorporate elements of both.
   

Loving couples disagree and get angry, but they follow principles when fighting so that they don't destroy each other in the process. They strive to resolve their arguments so that they both feel better.