Giving It Up: Pushing the Boundaries, Book 1 (15 page)

Chapter Sixteen

It was past nine o’clock when he finally showed up. Beatrice had been wearing a cute teddy she’d gotten on sale at a big lingerie chain, but at eight thirty, she’d finally changed into a more comfortable tank top and shorts, not certain when Warren would actually get there.

That he’d come eventually wasn’t a question. If there was one thing she had learned about him in these past few weeks, it was that he did what he said he was going to do. And despite whatever awkwardness had been left between them after last week, she couldn’t bother dwelling on it. She’d been so afraid today. It had made her realize their time together was too short not to cherish every minute.

Even if he was being a stubborn bastard.

She sprang up immediately when the soft knock sounded on her door, and she practically ripped it open to find him wearing street clothes, looking haggard and smelling of antiseptic soap. He gave her an apologetic shrug. “They made me go to the hospital after you left. Brewer told the captain that I was feeling faint. Fucker.”

She couldn’t contain her laugh as she beckoned him inside, and he stole a smiling kiss as he crossed the threshold into her apartment. She shut the door behind him and took his hand in hers.

“Are you sure you want to be here? We can always postpone to next week.”

She’d meant to be solicitous, but Warren’s face changed, the smile dropping, and he said tersely, “I can’t push it out. I know you need the money, but I can’t keep this up for longer than we agreed upon. It’s eating into my schedule too much as it is.”

Her mood fell then too, and she released his hand to cross her arms, feeling like a stupid little fool. What had happened today…it made her think things had changed between them. She’d thought it meant something special now, these Wednesday visits. She’d already given up on the money, even if they hadn’t talked about it.

But apparently what had happened earlier hadn’t meant the same thing to him that it did to her. She looked away, trying to keep her voice calm and businesslike. “I’m sorry to hear it has become an inconvenience. I don’t mind if you would prefer to call off this deal. Adding one more item to your list of obligations has the exact opposite effect of what our agreement was supposed to do, you know. After last week…” She trailed off, then dropped her voice to a whisper. “Actually, after the first time I kissed you, I wasn’t expecting you to pay me anymore, anyway.”

He took a step forward. “I wasn’t trying to say that you were an inconvenience. That’s not what I meant. I—wait. Did you just say you didn’t expect me to give you the money? Like I would stiff you at the end of this? I pay my debts, Beatrice.”

Oh God.
She could feel the press of tears behind her eyes. He really had no clue. And she felt like a fool. She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant.” Her voice was wobbly, but she soldiered on. “I meant I no longer
wanted
your money.”

The last word came out as a merely a shape of her lips. She still didn’t look at him after that, just reached for the door handle again, meaning to let him out, but he reached one arm up, holding the door closed, while the other grabbed her around her waist and pulled her toward him. “Why don’t you want my money anymore?” His lips landed on her temple, a light kiss, and she trembled.

“I thought, after this afternoon…” Goodness, this was hard to admit. “I thought we were about more than that. You
protected
me. You kissed me in front of
everybody
. I can find other ways to get the money for Nana’s debt. I’d rather—” She took a deep breath and looked up at him. “I’d rather have you.”

Warren groaned and brought both arms around her then, tipping her head back and bringing his mouth to hers in a hot, possessive kiss. When he broke away, though, he was shaking his head. “Beatrice…” He swallowed hard. “I wish I were a different man so I could give you what you want. What I want too, to be honest.”

She opened her mouth to ask him why it sounded like he was going to reject her when they both wanted one another, but he groaned and lifted his eyes upward, as though searching for something important. When he looked back at her, his mouth was drawn in a tight line. Resolved. “It wouldn’t be fair to you, though. I don’t have the kind of time that a—a girlfriend would need or deserve. You’ve already seen how scheduled my life is, and right now things are actually
good
. How hard would it get if one more thing happened? If
I
actually got hurt and couldn’t help out my family anymore? Everything would fall apart then. And you’d be the first person to go.”

It hurt to hear it, both the words and the way he’d said them. It was the first time he’d opened up any of his life to her, but all she could focus on now was,
You’d be the first person to go
. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. She barely knew the details of his days.

But she felt like she knew
him
. She searched his face, trying to find a break in that stony expression. “Can’t we at least try? Even if it is only an hour a week, Warren, it would still be better than nothing. I
want
you.” It bothered her, to hear the pleading note in her voice. She’d never pleaded for anything. She’d been taught it was unseemly, that a woman should accept what she got and be appropriately grateful.

“We still have tonight.” His mouth relaxed, and his hands skimmed over her back. “And after this, we still have another Wednesday. It’s what we agreed on, anyway.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, hating how her feelings for him had been reduced to things that could be somehow crammed into five Wednesdays. And yet, even though he was pushing her away, she couldn’t manage to say no, to turn him away tonight and end it any sooner than it absolutely had to. She’d already decided earlier to cherish the time she had with him, and she didn’t intend to change her mind about that.

She went up on her tiptoes, brought her lips to his chin and kissed it softly, feeling the stubble of his beard scraping against her lips.

“It’s all I can give you,” he whispered, his voice almost desperate.

That was what made her acquiesce completely. Fine, she wouldn’t push it anymore tonight. Maybe at the end of next week, the end of it all, she’d talk to him again. Maybe then things would be different.

She hugged him tightly, and her breasts flattened against his hard, warm chest. Wow, he was sexy. Sexy and wonderful and probably going to break her heart. “In that case,” she whispered in his ear. “Take off your clothes and get on the bed.”

* * * * *

Warren reclined on Beatrice’s bed, watching as she slowly stripped off her shorts. He’d never seen her like this, so casually cute. Even though she was in her pajamas instead of lingerie, she looked even sexier than ever.

She looked like someone’s girlfriend.

He’d thought about her the entire time he’d waited in that goddamn hospital room—he was going to kill Brewer for that—and practically sped all the way over here once he was released. It felt so good, not to have to think about what he needed to do next, what he was in charge of. She’d been there for him today, and he trusted her to be there for him now.

He was so relieved she’d decided to see their agreement through these next few weeks. By then, he was certain he would feel more relaxed, and although he would regret not being able to see Beatrice anymore, he would get over it eventually. Better that than turning his life upside down for her, only for her to realize a couple of years down the road that it still wasn’t enough.

He had stripped down in record time, practically jumping onto her bed, wondering what she had in store for him as she walked toward him. Tonight, her panties were white cotton, lovely against her creamy skin. Warren could feel the blood rushing downward, making his cock shift and stir against his thigh.

She was looking at it, a small smile touching her lips, and the attention made him grow even harder. Her delicate fingers grasped the hem of her tank top, lifting it upward, and he could feel his arousal rising along with the soft fabric.

“You’re so big,” she murmured, her hands pausing at her ribs, and he groaned, realizing she was talking about his dick, which certainly was big at the moment. Fully erect, jutting nearly straight up out of the wiry black hair at its base, so hard he could almost see it throb and jerk with need. She got to him so fast. He had no idea anymore if that was normal, but it certainly felt like she aroused him at an incredible speed.

He wanted to part her legs and push inside of her.

But they’d agreed on no sex.

Of course, he’d also said that kissing would be wrong, and that was already shot to hell. Not to mention the fact that she’d brought him to climax with her hand these past two times. He’d justified it somehow, telling himself her hand was merely a tool, separate from her real desires. That it wasn’t a sexual part of her. But it was getting harder to think that way about Beatrice.

Especially now that she’d confessed she didn’t want his money. That it wasn’t a business arrangement for her. He’d been using that to keep his distance, and now that it was gone, it was down to merely his will. No excuses. No crutches.

He tried to think of something other than how good it would feel to be inside of her—not just any woman, but
this
woman.
Beatrice
. He didn’t want to end this long stretch of sexless years by using her. But the way she was looking at him…

He wanted to feel every part of her, wrapped around him.

He reached down and grasped the shaft, watching her face. At the sight of him touching himself, her eyes went wide, darkening with arousal.

“Warren?” She half whispered, half squeaked his name.

“Yeah.” He practically grunted it out. The pressure of his fingers, squeezing there, was making him think he’d been an idiot to give in to his masculine pride and take himself in hand to prove something to Beatrice that she already knew.

“Um, maybe—I mean, I know—I should have asked you this before, but do you—do you have any diseases?”

“What?” He nearly laughed at that, before the reality of what she was asking sank in. And then, when it did, he straightened, as though his body didn’t believe what he was hearing and had to take measures to protect itself from disappointment. “You mean, like sex diseases?”

She was blushing so hard he could see the tips of her ears were pink, even in the low light of the bedside lamp. But she nodded, and his blood surged at the very idea.

He allowed himself to laugh then, half pained with arousal. “No. I don’t have any diseases. I have to get a physical every year as part of my SWAT requirements, which was back in February. I was negative for any STIs.” But it was nearly July, and he knew that was plenty of time to get infected with something. He swallowed. “The thing is…even though the test was a few months ago, it has been three years since I’ve had any reason to consider, um, that kind of thing.”

At that, Beatrice’s mouth dropped and she gaped at him. “Are you—you’re telling me you haven’t been with a woman, like, in that way, in three years?”

Damn it, this was embarrassing. He never should have told her. But at the same time, he’d wanted to tell her.
Shit
. He forced himself to hold her gaze. “Yeah.”

But she regained her composure and gave a soft laugh. “It’s been about four for me. And I was tested last month as part of my regular exam. I mean, not that you should take my word for it. But I-I think we should at least have the conversation…right?”

Just like that, so casual, and yet he wanted to pass out from sheer anticipation. He was breathing fast now, watching her hands start to move upward again, revealing the soft undersides of her breasts. She’d kept her lingerie on every time he’d seen her so far, but this time…

Holy hell. He was about to see real breasts for the first time in years. His fingers tightened and he prayed he wouldn’t come the second her nipples appeared.

And then, her top was falling to the floor and there they were, dusky pink and pointing out toward him, moving slightly with the sway of her breasts as she walked toward the bed. When she leaned forward, he couldn’t stop from groaning at the sight of her luscious body stretching over him. He took his hand from his cock and brought it up to cup one soft, sweet mound in his palm, reveling in the way she moaned and pushed against him. But too soon, she was shifting away, out of his grasp.

“Close your eyes.”

It came out as a soft purr, but he didn’t miss the command in it too. “What are you going to do? God. Something that requires discussing diseases beforehand. Shit.” He was gasping for breath now.

She put one hand to his mouth, pushing a finger against his lips, and he sank down into the bed at just that light pressure.

“I love when you talk like that.” She followed him down to the mattress, gently lowering her body atop his and kissing him, his erection pushing up into space between her spread thighs. It was impossible not to thrust it up against those innocent-looking white panties, and when he made contact, she broke the kiss on a cry of pleasure before returning her lips to his jawline, trailing kisses down his neck, over his chest, moving down…

Oh hell.
That’s what she was going to do.

He picked his head up off the pillow and placed a stilling hand on her arm. Brown eyes met blue. “You
definitely
don’t have to do this.” Even though, everything be damned, he wanted her to. So much.

“I want to,” she whispered, echoing her words from earlier. “Lie back.”

She was so sexy when she talked like that, so commanding and in control. She sounded like she could handle any problem, manage anything life threw her way. She sounded like—

“Fuck,” he huffed out, when she bit down lightly on his small nipple, which made him jerk and groan and thrust his hips up against empty air, seeking relief for the intense pressure building in his cock. He wondered what she was going to do to him. How far she was going to take this.

And then, she moved even farther downward and pressed her open mouth to the skin above his navel. Had he ever been touched like that, hot and wet with the barest hint of her teeth scraping over the sensitive area? He doubted it. He would have remembered something like that. It was already too much. And yet not enough.