Glittering Images (26 page)

‘That’s certainly very significant.’

‘Any clergyman can have an isolated lapse which he can atone for afterwards,’ said Loretta. ‘Clergymen are human beings, not angels. But how can a devout clergyman pursue his calling if he continuously lives in sin?’

‘He either ends the sin or becomes an apostate.’

‘Well, Alex certainly wasn’t an apostate when I knew him. He was a believer through and through.’

The
ménage à trois
at the palace was beginning to look innocent again, but the thought of Lyle was still too difficult to endure. Stubbing out my cigarette I turned once more to Loretta, and in the manner of a patient begging his nurse for a pain-killing injection I whispered, ‘Love me.’

The strength came as soon as I touched her but she made me wait as she kissed my body and drew her hands over my thighs. At last when I was too strong to bear further delay she yielded; our positions changed; I linked us again and felt her flesh enclose mine as she expelled her breath in pleasure. I clung to her. She stroked my hair and for some seconds I did not move but remained in that position of extreme intimacy. At last I said, ‘I want to confide in you.’ I had realized I could fuse my two personalities by drawing the past into the present and bringing together within the same boundary of time and space the Charles of Starbridge and the Charles who was lying naked on that Surrey hillside.

‘Then go ahead,’ she said, still stroking my hair. ‘I promise you can trust me.’

The sexual strength slackened as if the power had been switched to other channels. Slipping out I buried my face for a second in her breasts before embarking on the full story of my visit to Starbridge.

The tale took some time to tell but finally I heard myself say, ‘You must be appalled by the idea of me making love to you while I’m in love with someone else. I’m appalled myself. I don’t understand what’s going on, but I’m beginning to think there are two mysteries here, the mystery of what’s going on at the palace and the mystery of what’s going on in my head – and the most peculiar thing of all is that these two mysteries seem somehow to be connected … Or does that make me sound completely crazy in addition to being thoroughly immoral?’

Loretta did not respond with a quick reassurance as a lesser woman might have done. Nor did she make any tart comment about Lyle. Instead after careful thought she said, ‘No, I don’t think you’re crazy. And I don’t think you’re fundamentally immoral either. But I do think you could be fundamentally confused.’

‘That’s a very generous judgement –’

‘I’m not interested in being generous, just in being accurate. Charles, are you sure you’re in love with this girl? If one’s confused it becomes harder to distinguish between truth and illusion, and in my opinion your instantaneous attraction to Lyle does suggest there might be some degree of illusion going on.’

‘I’m quite certain my feelings are genuine.’

‘Yes, but … Okay, let’s leave Lyle and turn to Alex because this is where you seem to be very confused indeed. Your interest in his past borders on the obsessive – it’s as if you’re seeing him as some kind of symbol impregnated with hidden meanings –’

‘What on earth do you mean?’

‘I only wish I knew. I feel I’m groping around in the dark but Charles, I’m sure you ought to discuss this with someone who’s a great deal more competent than I am to sort out what’s going on. Do you have an adviser you can consult? Clergymen usually have someone, don’t they – what do you call them – confessors, counsellors, directors –’

‘I go to the Fordite Abbot of Grantchester, near Cambridge. The Fordites are Anglican-Benedictines, not Roman Catholic monks, but monks within the Church of England.’

‘Fine. See your Abbot and tell him everything.’

‘Maybe I should make a short retreat.’ I thought about it but the prospect of any spiritual exercise which included confession was so appalling that I could only shudder and press my face against her breasts again. However when I realized I could only divert myself from the horror of confession by dwelling on the Starbridge mystery I withdrew from her and propped myself up on one elbow. ‘In your opinion,’ I said, ‘what’s going on in that
ménage à trois?’

‘My guess would be absolutely nothing – I think you got it right the first time. Lyle keeps the marriage glued together and her presence satisfies the different needs of all three of them: her need for power, Carrie’s need for a daughter and Alex’s need for an orderly home.’

‘I agree that’s the only answer which makes sense, but the fact is that the atmosphere just doesn’t tally with that explanation. I’m sure there’s something going on between Lyle and Jardine, although now you’ve confirmed my opinion that he’d never enter into a continuing illicit liaison I don’t see how they can be having an affair.’

‘Okay,’ said Loretta briskly, sitting up. ‘Let’s try and cut through some of this confusion of yours by running through the various possibilities. Possibility number one: Lyle’s in love with Carrie.’

‘Out of the question.’

‘Is it? Very feminine helpless women like Carrie often do wind up in lesbian situations, and you should remember there’s always the chance that your feelings for Lyle could be an illusion.’

‘Yes, but –’

‘The biggest argument against the existence of lesbianism,’ interrupted Loretta, taking my side before I could dispute the idea further, ‘is that I can’t see Alex ever tolerating it. I think we can assume that whatever’s going on must somehow succeed in satisfying all three of them. Okay, let’s move on to possibility number two: Lyle’s crazy about Alex but Alex isn’t crazy about her; he’s kept the situation in control and nothing’s ever happened between them.’

‘I can’t see any clergyman in his right mind tolerating an infatuated woman in his household,’ I said. ‘The situation would be much too inflammable. He’d have got rid of her straight away.’

‘But supposing he wasn’t in his right mind? This is possibility number three. Supposing he’s crazy about her but his religious beliefs are keeping him in check?’

‘From a clerical point of view that would be even worse than the previous situation – it’d be disastrous for his spiritual health to have such a temptation constantly on his doorstep.’

‘So that leaves the final possibility: Alex has lost his mind, thrown all scruples to the winds and is deeply involved in a fully consummated love affair.’

‘And that,’ I said, ‘is impossible for two reasons. The first is that I’m sure Mrs Jardine wouldn’t tolerate it, and the second is that he couldn’t remain a bishop in those circumstances unless he’s an apostate – which we’re both sure he’s not.’

‘I agree that last difficulty seems to be the eternal stumbling block,’ said Loretta, ‘but I think I can visualize a situation where Carrie would be complaisant. According to Evelyn, Alex and Carrie never gave up hope of having a family – a hope which would give each of them a powerful motive for continuing to have sex. But supposing, once Carrie reached the menopause, she turned against sex on the grounds that it had become pointless. It’s not an uncommon thing to happen, and when it does the marriage usually reaches a crisis. That’s the point where the husband, if he’s a layman, takes a mistress and the wife looks the other way.’

I stared at her. ‘I think you’ve hit the nail on the head,’ I said. ‘I think that’s what happened. From something Mrs Cobden-Smith said I deduced the menopause was going on five years ago, and that was exactly the time when Mrs Jardine was once more on the brink of breakdown.’

‘But that was because the old stepmother turned up.’

‘Yes, but supposing there was more to the crisis than that. Jardine told me that this was the last occasion on which he recorded personal difficulties in his journal – and he admitted that he’d had an important decision to make. Supposing he was trying to decide whether or not to –’

‘I agree it’s suggestive. If anything happened I’ll bet it happened then, but the big question is: did anything happen? And if it did, how did Alex square his conscience?’

‘I’m going to find out. I’ve got to,
got to
–’

‘I know. It’s worrying me. Charles, you’re much too obsessed about this –’

‘How can I not be obsessed with it if I want to marry Lyle?’

‘Yes, but … Okay, let’s have another shot at putting the situation in some sort of rational perspective. The plain truth is that you don’t know whether you’re in love with Lyle or not. However you think you are and this makes you ultra-sensitive to this mysterious
ménage à trois.
The most likely explanation of the
ménage
is that there really is nothing going on, but because you’re not perceiving reality properly you’re sliding deeper and deeper into illusion by devising this theory which will explain Lyle’s coolness without damaging your own ego. In other words you’re saying subconsciously to yourself: she and Jardine are having an affair and that’s why she’s not responding to me properly. But I think you ought to face the possibility that by reading too much into people’s innocent reactions you’re winding up imagining this sinister atmosphere at the palace. In fact in my opinion the really relevant question here is not what’s going on in the
ménage
but what’s going on in your subconscious; for example, why are you so sure Lyle’s right for you?’

‘She can cope with anything.’

‘But that makes you sound like a lunatic in need of a keeper!’

‘Does it?’ I pulled her into my arms again. ‘One more time,’ I said. ‘Just once more.’

She parted her legs and put her hand gently on my body to guide me in.

The knowledge that this was to be my last chance for some unknown time of satisfying myself sexually made me urgent as I gave physical expression to my despair. My misery was compounded by exhaustion and soon I felt the power fading. Loretta moved to restore it but my flesh was already contracting and seconds later I was closing my eyes against the light as I slumped back upon the bracken.

I slept. Then waking suddenly, just as one so often does after a short deep sleep, I sat up and said, ‘Jane.’ Loretta kissed me on the cheek. In confusion I saw she was dressed.

‘I’ve been asleep,’ I said dazed.

‘Only for ten minutes. I thought you needed it … Who’s Jane?’

‘My wife.’ Absurdly my eyes filled with tears, and terrified by this fresh evidence that I was on the point of disintegration I grabbed the lighted cigarette Loretta was offering me and turned my back on her. As I dressed I was able to say, ‘I’ve proved Jardine was capable of a single lapse. Now I’ve got to prove he was capable of a continuing illicit liaison. If I knew he’d been sleeping with that stepmother before his marriage –’

‘I’m sure he wasn’t. Look, Charles, you’ve just got to get this obsession in perspective –’

‘I suppose he might have fought shy of taking his father’s wife. After all, even though there was no blood relationship between them the legal relationship would have brought them within the prohibited degrees –’

‘Well, that wouldn’t apply in this case, would it?’ said Loretta, taking her glasses from her handbag.

I stared at her. ‘What do you mean?’

She stared back. ‘My God!’ she exclaimed. ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t find out!’

‘Find out what?’

‘Alex’s father never married her, Charles. She lived for twenty-five years as his mistress. There was neither a blood-tie nor a legal relationship between Alex and Ingrid Jardine.’

‘Alex told me and Evelyn about it once,’ said Loretta. ‘He was trying to establish a better relationship between Carrie and his stepmother but he wasn’t making much progress and he confided in us out of sheer exasperation. Apparently Carrie was taking the line that she wasn’t obliged to receive anyone who had lived in sin for twenty-five years.’

‘But the father was a religious fanatic! Why on earth didn’t he marry her?’

‘He hated all formal religion and he hated all clergymen so he kidded himself into believing he didn’t need a clergyman reciting the wedding service over him in order to be married before God. He had to marry Alex’s mother in church – she was a girl from a very respectable family – but Ingrid was on her own and apparently quite prepared to humour his crankiness; probably there was a very strong sexual attraction going on. Anyway old Jardine summoned her to his bedroom one night, and after they’d said some prayers together and exchanged a few vows he put his signet-ring on her finger, took her to bed and consummated what he was pleased to call his new marriage.’

‘Wait,’ I said. ‘Wait.’ My heart was thudding hard. ‘Just a moment.’

‘God, what is it, Charles? You’re as white as a ghost!’

‘Did you say a signet-ring?’

‘Yes, maybe he thought a real wedding-ring was as unnecessary as a clergyman reciting the wedding service – or maybe the marriage was unplanned and he used the only ring available at that moment … Charles, what the hell is it? What’s the matter?’

I said, ‘Lyle wears a large signet-ring on the third finger of her left hand.’

Eventually Loretta said, ‘No. I know what you’re thinking but it’s impossible.’

‘It’s the only explanation that fits. Jardine married Lyle informally before God and they now think of each other as husband and wife. They believe they’re not living in sin, and that means they can go on receiving the sacrament regularly.’