Glittering Images (67 page)

‘He told me about his parents,’ said Lyle crying. ‘He talked about his ideals, he stood by me, he lived his faith – oh, and then I felt so ashamed, so mean, so cheap, so absolutely vile – I could hardly speak I was so crucified with guilt, but I knew then I loved him. I hadn’t loved him before. I’d found him physically attractive, but the truth was –’

‘Yes – one last hurdle, Lyle –’

‘I hated him, I was so angry with him, I wanted to make him pay –’

‘And that was because –’

‘He slept with Loretta,’ said Lyle, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘I thought he’d just been amusing himself with me, I thought I’d been deceived, I thought he’d let me down – men have always let me down, even Daddy let me down, going away and never coming back, and I couldn’t bear Charles betraying me when I liked him so much. I thought: I’ll have my revenge on him, I’ll make him pay, I’ll tell him he’s got to marry me or else I’ll create a scandal by saying the baby’s his. I was all set to do it, I’d drummed up the nerve, and there I was, mad with anger and loathing and wickedness, absolutely
infested
by those demons you recognized just now, and then … What was it you said at the beginning of our conversation –’

‘No demon can withstand the power of Christ.’

‘Yes, Charles was so good, so straight, so Christian – the demons all fell away and I was able to love him but then the demons came back, they tried to reclaim me because they knew I was so undeserving of a man like that, they did reclaim me but by a miracle you cast them out – oh Father, help me, please help me, I’ve been so sick –’

Darrow said at once, ‘If you can see that, you’re already getting better.’

‘I just wish so much that all the terrible things I’ve done could be wiped out!’

‘That may not be so difficult as you fear. Once a true repentance has been achieved the way’s open for the start of a new life.’

‘But not with Charles. There’ll be no new life with Charles now – I’m going to lose him, aren’t I, Father? I’m going to lose what I want the most and it’ll be a just punishment for all my lies and deception and wickedness.’

Darrow said nothing. He merely turned to face me, and I shall always remember that at the end when the final decision had to be made he was not only silent but inscrutable. The decision had to be mine and mine alone.

‘If you can forgive me for Loretta,’ I said to Lyle, ‘I can forgive you for wanting revenge. And even if you can’t forgive me I’d still forgive you anyway now that I know just how deeply you’ve suffered.’

‘Oh Charles – Charles –’

‘Let’s go back to the hotel and make some wedding plans.’

‘The retrospect has much in it that is humiliating and that calls for repentance; but Christ, in His limitless mercy, has endured me all these long years, and I cannot doubt that He will be with me to the end.’

Letters of Herbert Hensley Henson
Bishop of Durham 1920–1939
ed.
E. F. BRALEY
.

Lyle and I did talk about our wedding but not for long. She was exhausted, and at nine we parted in the foyer of the hotel. The following morning I rescued her from the dining-room where she had been trying to eat breakfast and we returned to Grantchester; she went for a walk around the village while I saw Darrow on my own.

‘She’s still tired,’ I said in response to his opening question, ‘but she’s much calmer.’ I hesitated before adding, ‘How soon did you realize what was going on in her mind?’

‘I could tell at once she was in difficulty, and when I realized she was using me to express all her anger towards the opposite sex I wondered if you yourself could be immune from that hostility … She needs much more help, Charles.’

‘Did you find a nun?’

‘Yes. Fiftyish, widowed, very intuitive, very humane.’

‘I only wish I could believe that Lyle will ever agree to see her.’

‘I think that when the present appalling tensions have eased she may well feel a new need to confide.’

‘How I wish you could continue to counsel her!’

‘It would be too dangerous. You yourself witnessed the sexual edge the scene developed when she was disturbed, and if I attempted to counsel her on my own … No, Charles, such a session would only confuse her – and incidentally it would be extremely unwise for me. Monks are very ordinary men in many ways and were quite definitely not designed by God to counsel pretty women on their private lives.’ He smiled at me before adding, ‘Outline your next battle-plan.’

‘We’re going down to Starbridge. She needs to collect some essential possessions and I think it’s best if she parts from the Jardines as soon as possible. I’ll see him on my own first, of course.’

‘How do you think he’ll behave?’

‘That’s exactly the question I was going to ask you. What do you think, Father? I’m not asking for a demonstration of clairvoyance now, just a prediction based on the evidence.’

‘Most of the time that’s all clairvoyance is anyway.’ Darrow considered for a moment. ‘He’ll be stunned – but not, I think, by the news that Lyle’s leaving him; he must have been well aware for some time that they were in difficulties. But he’ll be stunned by the news of the child, and the first question he’s going to ask is how often he can see it. This is where you meet the problem of what part the Jardines are going to play in your marriage, Charles.’

‘Lyle accepts that there must be a complete break,’ I said, ‘and I confess that on this point I’m implacable. They’ve got to stay well away, and if they think they can come and coo regularly over my child in its pram they’ll have to think again.’

Darrow examined his Abbot’s ring and was silent.

‘Am I being unChristian?’ I said uneasily.

‘Not necessarily. What do you think?’

‘I think God’s called me to make this marriage – which will certainly begin by being very difficult – and therefore my first duty is to make sure the marriage works. And I don’t believe it’ll work if the Jardines are allowed in.’

‘I must admit,’ said Darrow, ‘that I think this is the only conclusion you can reach while you and Lyle are both recovering from your ordeals and learning to love each other, but guard against inflexibility, Charles. Remember what difficulties your father’s inflexibility caused when he was unable to jettison his conviction that you were an exact copy of Romaine.’

Now it was my turn to be silent. Finally Darrow asked, ‘What are you going to do about the wedding?’

‘That’s another difficult problem. We’re both agreed we want the quickest, quietest wedding possible – I shall get a special licence, of course – but from the point of view of gossip it’ll look odd if Lyle’s not married from the palace.’

‘Will it? Don’t lose sight of the fact that she’s their employee, not their daughter, and employers and employees frequently fall out. Of course there’s bound to be some degree of tittle-tattle if the Jardines aren’t present at the wedding, but people have short memories and it’ll soon be forgotten. The great thing is to behave confidently, as if you’re taking the most natural course in the world – and that leads me to my next suggestion: why not get Dr Lang to marry you in the chapel at Lambeth? What could be more thoroughly respectable than being married by the Archbishop of Canterbury? And that would also help to explain the Jardines’ absence; everyone knows Lang and Jardine are estranged.’

This struck me as a suggestion bordering on brilliance. ‘But how much would I be obliged to tell Lang?’

‘Nothing.’

‘But what if he questions me about Lyle’s relationship with Jardine?’

‘My dear Charles, you’re a clergyman – you’re under no obligation whatsoever to repeat a word of Lyle’s recent confessions to anyone, even to the Archbishop of Canterbury! All you need say is that both the Jardines were making such heavy demands on Lyle that she was quite unable to have any life of her own. This is so obviously unhealthy and undesirable that no further comment needs to be made.’

My mind cleared. I realized then how exhausted I was by the strain of the past twenty-four hours, and Darrow’s clarity of vision was even more comforting than usual.

He said suddenly, ‘Are you going to wait till the pregnancy’s confirmed before you set the wedding date?’

‘No,’ I said, knowing he asked the question to see if I were toying with the idea of escape. ‘I want to marry her anyway, pregnancy or no pregnancy, and the sooner the better.’

He was satisfied. ‘And how do you feel now,’ he said, testing me again, ‘about being a father yourself?’

I smiled at him. ‘Now that I’m not wasting my time trying to be the perfect son to all my father-figures, I’m sure I’ll have the energy to tackle parenthood!’

Darrow nodded but when he made no comment I realized he expected me to go on. ‘I made myself so unhappy being the perfect son,’ I said soberly, ‘that I had a horror of creating anyone who might have to go through what I went through. And my father always made fatherhood seem such a colossal trial that I became subconsciously terrified of the burden it would entail.’

Darrow nodded but continued to wait.

‘I couldn’t cope with my marriage,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t cope with my family, I couldn’t cope with myself. Of course I shied away from coping with anyone else, especially a child who would be dependent on me. But now I can cope, Father. It won’t be easy. It’ll often be very hard, but the truth is I don’t feel unfit and unworthy here. I believe that this is the family life God has called me to undertake – perhaps to prepare me for a call to serve him in some other field – and that through this great ordeal he’s made me fit and worthy for this very special purpose.’

Darrow leant back in his chair as if he had safely steered a ship into harbour after an exceptionally arduous voyage, but all he said in the end was, ‘May God be with you – and I’m sure He will. Well done, Charles.’

When we returned to Laud’s I packed a bag for the visit to Starbridge and then while Lyle and I sat facing each other on either side of my desk I telephoned the palace. Gerald Harvey at once connected me to the extension in the library; as soon as Jardine responded I embarked on my prepared speech.

‘I’m telephoning to tell you that Lyle’s agreed to marry me,’ I said flatly. ‘I’m speaking from my rooms at Laud’s but we’re about to leave for Starbridge so that I can call on you this evening to discuss the situation. I’ll come to the palace at six-thirty.’

A deep silence followed this declaration of war but at last Jardine said levelly, ‘I’d like to speak to Lyle, if you please.’

‘Until six-thirty – thank you. Bishop,’ I said, and terminated the call. I had no intention of giving him the opportunity to talk to Lyle unless I was able to monitor both sides of the conversation.

‘What did he say?’ said Lyle frightened.

I told her.

‘Did he sound shattered?’

‘Not particularly.’ Ignoring her pallor I added to divert her, ‘Did you write the letter?’

Opening her bag she produced an unsealed envelope which she handed to me.

‘May I?’ I said politely before I extracted the letter within. I thought it was important that my behaviour remained civilized as the pressure to become dictatorial increased.

‘Of course,’ she said.

She had written to confirm that she wished to marry me and to inform him about the child. It was a cold stark little letter; I suspected she had not dared admit any emotion for fear it might have permeated the entire message.

‘Is it all right?’ she asked nervously.

‘Fine.’ Sealing the envelope I slipped it into the inside pocket of my jacket and in silence we embarked upon our journey.

So we came at last to Starbridge, sunlit sinister Starbridge, the city which had concealed such a tormented reality behind its brilliant glittering image. The sun shone on the Cathedral again as we descended from the hills, and the waters of the river sparkled in the hot September light. Our separate rooms were waiting at the Staro Arms but I did not pause to unpack my bag. I drank some water to refresh myself and then left for the palace. Lyle saw me off. As we parted she was unable to stop herself saying desperately, ‘Be kind to him.’

I at once wanted to lay waste the entire palace, but I gave a brief nod, beat back my jealousy with one last kiss and walked out of the hotel into Eternity Street.

By the time I reached the palace I was more tense than ever but I had every emotion tightly in control. I had given Darrow back my borrowed cross at our last meeting, but I had bought a cross of my own which I was wearing beneath my shirt, and during the walk through the Close I touched the outline repeatedly to maintain my equilibrium.

On reaching the palace I was shown at once to the library.

Jardine was standing by the window and it was not until the door closed that he turned to face me. His face was pale and set. He looked tough. I stood my ground.

‘Good evening, Dr Ashworth.’ Evidently he had decided not to rake up memories of our previous meeting by calling me Charles.

‘Good evening, Bishop.’

He gestured that we should sit down and once more we faced each other across the desk. Eventually after an awkward pause he said with care, ‘I hope Lyle’s well. I’ve been worried about her for some time.’